Confused Boyfriend Coping. With Girlfriend's Father's Passing.

[Elicamacho]

Me and Rachel were a great couple we loved each other so much but a couple of weeks before the death of her father her nice started reevaluating our relationship and then the day came where her father passed away ever since she's been so distant from me she doesn't want to love anybody she doesn't want to love me she just doesn't want me to talk to her I'm so confused I can talk but I just don't want to.. But yeah while she's grieving there's a guy that I feel she's cheating on me I freak out and I get selfish and away that I just want to know what she feels in our relationship I feel like I pushed you away too much and all I can do is just what her I don't want to lose her and I love her so much and I can't lose this relationship she's done so much and she means so much for me I can use any help in anyway I can any advice thank you.

[Mike98]

Hey there, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I went through the same thing and also have had some suspicions too and she ultimately ended the relationship with the reason being she didn't want to be with someone right now. My advice to you is to not pressure her in any way and keep things away from relationship talk unless she brings it up, acting as a good friend to her is what she needs and hopefully in your case she then won't have reason to push you away further. I wish you the best of luck.

[kayc]

This thread fits better in "Loss of Love Relationship" where there are identical situations, and I see you've posted over there too.

It might help to read some of the threads over there and the advice given in those situations.

I am so sorry you are hurting! I've been there.

Like Mike said, it's important to respect her wishes. She is grieving and she won't be the same again. There's no button to push that will take you back to where you were. She's changed by her grief. It sounds like she has tried to tell you she can't do a relationship now and you're trying to force it...she can't be cheating if she's broken up with you. It could be she has nothing in her to expend on a relationship, but she can perhaps have fun with friends. It makes sense, a relationship requires something from her, friends don't. If you want to even be her friend or remain in her life at all, it's important to pull back on what you want and respect her wishes, otherwise it'll drive her further away into going dark on you. Right now it's about her. You need to make your life about you, without her. Stay busy with your family and friends, activities...now would be a good time to take up something new, join a gym, something to take your time and energy so you don't obsess about what is going on with her. I know this is not what you want to hear but it's the truth. You can't control or fix the situation by something you do or don't do. All you can do is try to keep from further damaging your relationship with her...and by relationship, I mean possibility for friendship because the relationship as you knew it is done for now. Very few find themselves back where they were, I mean maybe 1%. My fiance broke up with me over four years ago when his mom was dying. We had a no contact period (his choice) followed by a friendship where we talk on the phone regularly and maybe see each other a couple of times a year. That's it. Nothing is the same as it was before. He never tried to get me back. Neither of us has dated since. I do consider it a success story even though we aren't in a relationship because I respected his wishes, we were able to maintain a friendship, and I realize he is not relationship material as is. You have to work with what is, not hope to change the other person. The core of our relationship or friendship either one is built on respect and you can't have respect if you're trying to control the situation or change the other person.

I wish you well. The love can change form to fit the situation, trust me, I've been there. She can still mean a lot to you, just in a different way.

[Elicamacho]

Thank you so much for the advice. But she has ultimately asked to end the relationship. I kept thinking she was cheating on me with this guy and at the funeral he comes, I try to rub her back as comfort and she rejected it. She seemed annoyed of my presence when I was next to her, supporting her. But as her friends came to he after the service she all hugged them then the guy, Ryan came up and hugged her for just a little bit longer. She then went up to her friends, him acting disrespectful cracking jokes and she would smile and laugh with him. I on the other hand kept my cool, grabbed her purse and belongings with me and held her stuff. I guess they wanted to do something after and they were telling her about doing something. So me and Rachel and her friend go to the car, of course me holding her stuff still, opening her door, just being a good boyfriend. We then head to the reception at her grandparents. She would talk to her friend but not me. The whole way. And as soon as I spoke a word to her she sounded like she didn't even want to talk to me. But at the grandparents we kind of talked better and then she would put her legs on mine showing she was comfortable with me. So we leave and go to the house we were going to hang out at. But as I pull up she says you can drop me off here, and I replied with you don't want me to go? Ryan will be there and you don't want me to go? And she said let's park and talk. So her friend goes in with the friends and she tells me to park. I ask her her feelings, she has none. She kept saying i just want my dad. And I asked what about with you and Ryan have y'all been talking? What's even going on? And she said nothing has been going on. I just can't deal with anything but my grief. She is broken. Then I said are you even happy with me? I told her how I've been feeling under her, and she said I just can't be happy with anybody. She then said I think we should stop this. She said she hates the way she treats me and it hurts her to see herself treat me the way she does after she does it. She said I make her the happiest she's ever been. And all this good boyfriend stuff almost like I was breaking up with her and she was giving me a reason why I shouldn't. But then she says I love you so much but I just can't be in a relationship right now. I cried, told her I was just trying to be there for her and she said I just need time to process this and carry on with my grief. It was the night of the funeral as well. The worst night of my life. I told her stay here I'll get your door. She comes out sobbing saying I love you so much but I need time. I said okay. I understand. It feels kind of vague to me. We cried and cried saying I still love you. Then she says don't stop texting me, I still want to see you, I still want to hang out with you. But then she said if it hurts to much then you can stop. I'll understand. I gave her one last kiss, I made her laugh and she said I'm so sorry for the way I've treated you, this can be good for us. And I said I hope to see you soon. We cried then hugged again and said goodbye. I was so so destroyed my life left me with myself. She also told me text me when I get home. Then I said okay. I texted her and we just kept talking about how Amharas it will be. Then the next day I asked if I could text her throughout the day, and she said whatever is easiest, my phone died after I said I don't know what to think anymore and she replied Eli we broke up... This is so so painful and if I could just understand all this and get this pain away that would be great. But I feel so depressed. So destroyed, haven't eaten, everything just reminds me of her. She was my one and only best friend.

[Elicamacho]

Also, my mom and dad survived this and helped me out a lot. My mom lost her mom at 18 and her dad at 19 yet my parents stuck together. Because my dad was the only one there for her. Rachel on the other hand has almost the whole church with her because everyone knows her and loves her. It's not that big of a deal for her to be alone because she never really is.

[kayc]

I'm sorry...this is how it goes, I've seen it way too many times. It will take time to get used to it. Try to stay busy with your friends/family, your hobbies/work. Don't be surprised if she stops texting. If she goes dark on you she may get back in touch on down the road, by then you will have changed too. It's hard, the hardest thing in the world to live through, but you will. If the rest of us can survive it, you can too.

[Elicamacho]

Been getting lots of support. If it's Gods will He will let it happen, If not He will take care of me!

[kayc]

So true! That's called living by faith, it will see you through.