Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Grieving Gf Broke Up With Me


Recommended Posts

Hey everyone I know there's plenty of grief breakup stuff on here already but I figure I could use some advice on my situation. My gf met three months ago and really hit it off. We felt like we had known each other for so much longer, felt a strong attraction to one another, and had many things in common. When we were a few weeks into the relationship she learned of her sons wishes to go live half way around the world with his dad. She was very sad to hear this but wanted him to be happy and agreed to let him go. As the relationship went on things were still really good between us but she often spoke about how this was tearing her up inside. I did everything I could to help her through this, bought her flowers, got her daughter her favourite toy for when they broke the news to her, I really tried to make things a bit better. About two months into the relationship she had a big blow out with her sons father and while at work texted me that she needed space to be with her son as he was leaving in a week. She also said she was confused about her feelings, and wanted to wait until after he left to see how she felt about things. Also in that text she told me that I was the best guy she ever met, and it had nothing to do with me but that she found it hard to be with me because things had moved so fast, I felt so much, and she wasn't sure if she would feel the same way after he was gone. I asked her if she was breaking up with me and she said no but at the same time she didn't feel this was fair to me. She said she wished he wasn't going away, maybe things would be different if we had met a few months sooner, and she was confused about what to do. She also said she didn't wanna start off a relationship this way because she was struggling so bad with the thought of her son leaving. My response was i understand this is very hard, I didn't want to burden her, and if she wanted I would walk away. She said she didn't want me to do that. I agreed to give her her space but she kept texting and calling me lots afterwards telling me that this wouldn't be forever, that she really cared about me and we would see each other soon enough. As the last month went by things seemed fine. Once the day came when he left she told me that she was crying a lot and had to hide from her daughter because she couldn't keep it together. I tied to be supportive and said I'd be there for her no matter what, and if she needed to talk I'd listen. From that point on she became very distant, just going out with friends and trying to stay away from the house. I figured this was a good thing as her daughter was gone for a while with her dad, and I knew that staying at the house would just be a reminder of her son being gone. After a week of very low contact I decided I would ask her if things were ok between us. The next day I got a response that we needed to talk. She ended up giving me a phone call saying she didn't feel the same anymore, that i didn't do anything wrong, and was the best guy she ever met. She went on to say that she would probably regret this later but for now it was for the best, and also said maybe we could hook up in the future. My response was that I wished her the best, had a great time with her, and hoped she found what she was looking for. I wondering does this sound like it was the grief of her son leaving that caused her to end things? I know that through grief some people push away their loved ones and get confused about how they feel about things. I'm a bit confused and I wonder if what I said closed the door if she decided she wanted me back after she was done grieving? Sorry for the novel.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It totally wasn't you, wasn't anything you said or did, you were very supportive and she admitted several times how nice you were, etc. No, this is her grief speaking, just as surely as if someone died, there's many different kinds of losses and if someone ripped my kids away from me when they were young it would have killed me. While I don't fully understand this type of grief response, you can see it happens often enough that it's considered a common grief response. Perhaps things will change in the future, perhaps they won't. I encourage you to try to go on with your life. If she'll allow you to be a friend, that's great, but only time will tell how it'll go. Most of the time they do not get back together, but with one person they did, so who knows. I just don't want to see you holding your breath because it can slow down your recovery and it's a off chance.

I know it hurts, and I'm sorry you're joining the club here. :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for your reply kayc, I appreciate the feedback. I'm sorry that there's so many of us in this club but I'm comforted by the fact that I'm not alone, and we can all work together to heal. It's been pretty tough for me because it's been so long since I felt such a strong bond/connection with someone, she took my breath away. Not to mention it's like I'll never get to know what we could have been, we never got the chance. This girl brought a romantic side out of me that I thought was gone forever. I tried so hard to make it easier on her and her daughter while the son was leaving. In the end I just want her to be happy, and if removing myself from the equation will do that then it's okay, she's going through such a bad time, and I can't fault her for anything she decides to do. Maybe this was just adding pressure to her life at a really bad time and no matter how good of a bf I was she needed time to focus on healing without being with someone. She's such a beautiful person and I'll never forget the time we spent together. I find myself becoming pretty emotional while watching movies with sad parts and I sometimes can't believe I'll never see her again but I guess that's the chance you take when you fall for someone. I also find it hard to work out which is something I usually do religiously. I guess it's just gonna take some time to digest things. Thanks again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This post was very insightful. I believe you truly love her because you place her needs ahead of your own. And it seems the time she was in your life served a purpose, she helped bring out things in you and that adds to the dimension of who you are. Timing, it's true, is important. You could have met her two years before or two years after with a totally different outcome. And who knows what the future will bring, that we have to leave to the unknown. You say you have a hard time working out...when we are no longer interested in things that we always were before, that's a sign of depression. It's common to feel some effects like depression when we're grieving...that doesn't mean we're clinically depressed, but if it continues for a long time, it might be good to see a professional to see if it's something that needs treatment. My guess is it will return when you've had more time to adjust, but that's just something to keep in mind. I started feeling better within a few months, although I continued to miss Jim. It does take a while to adjust to such a loss. The difference between the loss due to death is that it doesn't ever completely go away, whereas we can console ourselves about the outcome when it's due to a breakup...eventually.

I hope things work out better for her...she may be going through regrets...regrets at letting her children go with her dad, even regrets over breaking your heart...that doesn't mean she could change it, just that she could feel bad that it happened.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the reply. I agree with you 100 percent on her probably feeling bad for breaking my heart and I didn't want that to be another thing making her feel guilty so I did something that many have said not to do, I sent her a card of encouragement. It said that I had no hard feelings and understood why things happened the way they did. That I cared for her and wished her the best for the future, and that if she ever wanted to catch up in the future my phone was open. Some would say that I have given all the power to her through this letter but I wanted things to end on a more positive note. This also let her know I wasn't mad and hopefully unburdened her from most of the guilt she might have felt. It just didn't feel right with how I left things with her, I felt like i cut her out of my life because she didn't wanna be with me but in essence, I should have been more kind and understanding of the situation. My only regret is I know there were certain ways that I pressured her through all of this and that was mainly because of how how worried I was. I gave her plenty of space and didn't text her unless she texted me 95% of the time but during the last week of our relationship, after her son had left and had received some very emotional messages I texted more often with jokes trying to cheer her up which didn't seem to work. We had this problem with our phones as well, and sometimes her texts wouldn't make it through to me so I'd asked a few times if she responded to my texts because I hadn't received anything back. If we didn't have that problem I never would have asked. Stupid s*** that probably put more pressure on her through a very difficult time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well you've done what you can do, I would lay back now and see if she responds...if not, you have your answer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes I suppose so. I sent her that card and also wished her a happy bday through text yesterday and didn't hear a peep back. I'm very surprised I didn't even get a thank you. Maybe she not ready to open the lines of communication with me? Maybe she hates that I reached out to her and said forget this guy? I pretty confused. I didn't bring up getting back together or anything in the card, I didn't ask any questions or act angry towards her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You did the right things, it's her situation, you can't change that. She probably didn't respond out of fear that you'd want to reconnect, she's not wanting that. I'm sorry.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, it's very common for this time frame. She may contact you on down the road as a "friend" but she may not, it seems 50/50. I'm sure she's okay, she knows where to go for support if she needs it. I know it's hard to let go, but you have to let her be responsible for her and you be responsible for you...she won't let you take care of her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...