feralfae Posted September 3, 2014 Report Share Posted September 3, 2014 This thread was really Mary's idea, but I think it is a good one. I have read some articles on how to survive solo, linked for us by Marty or Mary. Maybe here, we can talk about our strategies to survive on this new adventure of Solo life. I hope that here we can help each other to explore strategies to begin to reintegrate ourselves into our communities and the world, walking solo now, but still walking forth into this new life. I was a great proponent of Solo for a lot of things. Two people cannot sculpt the same piece of art, nor paint the same picture, nor throw the same pot. Not really. But, I was one of those solo kids, so I learned young how to survive on my own, although there were sometimes half-siblings and cousins around, but not always. I came to relish my independence, self-sufficiency, and brave encounters with the great outdoors. Solo. I did two weeks of wilderness survival in Winter, just to show I could. Solo. I would go into the Wind River range Solo for long treks, before we had cell phones or even towers for cell phones in Wyoming. I loved solo adventures into the wilderness anywhere. I thought I was tough and truly a great independent spirit. Doug and I did things together most of the time, but we were both capable of solo adventures as well. Then Doug left, and I found out that I truly suck at Solo when it is a life path and not a choice for a few weeks or in only one area of my life. I am only beginning to feel safe and open enough to reach out, so I have been making very intentional and conscious changes toward expanding my life outward so that I am not as insular as I have been for the last 30 months: I volunteer at the local Art Museum one or two days a week, and give little tours, which makes me need to be articulate, well-groomed, and on my toes, as well as throwing me in with lots of people, almost too many, where I must be social and witty and tolerant; I am helping to heal the local hospital, which desperately needs healing; I am going to Meeting most Sundays, and it is opening my heart, as well as healing my spirit, in many ways, as well as giving me a sense of belonging. It also gives me much to think about; I am reaching out to people, inviting friends to come visit, and going to visit more; I am getting assertive about making lunch dates, having friends over for luncheons, and just beginning to go to some events in town, such as Audubon talks or art walks; I am budgeting so that I can do the inviting of a friend out to dinner and a movie, concert, or something at least once a month; I am looking over my calendar to make sure I have at least one purely social event every week. Sometimes I must prod myself to crawl out of my comfortable cocoon and put in an appearance, even something as simple as going to the local health food market. What are you doing to put a toe into the river of Life these days? And I hope Mary and Marty will add more here, because I am not the deep well on wisdom on this subject that others are. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 3, 2014 Report Share Posted September 3, 2014 fae, Much of what you're doing is what I need to do. I need to be more proactive about people and scheduling something fun. I think taking on the role of Church Treasurer will be a step in the right direction. I want to start attending church a little more, I've just been going Sunday mornings, maybe it'd help to be out around others more. I need to take the initiative to call and invite people for lunch or something. I tend to be too introverted about socializing. If/when the gas prices go down it'll help me to get out more, it's over $4/gal. here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted September 3, 2014 Report Share Posted September 3, 2014 In the past 16 months, I suppose I have not had much time to devote to socially surviving solo. Almost from the time that Ron left, my son & I have simply been in financial survival mode mixed with our times of grieving. Most weekends were spent doing yard sales, Craigslist, or Ebay. I simply filled my empty days & nights with constant TV, the library, or the grocery store. Sometimes I even made a few pieces of jewelry, but those were few & far between as my desire to create anything had waned. I could not bring myself to sell our beloved cabin in 2013 & of course, it is suggested that no major decisions are made in that first year. I suppose I had this fantasy that I would be able to keep it, but then reality hit, my daughter's condition began to deteriorate, & I sold it as fast as possible to have funds to come out here for a while & help her. As you all know, she did not survive & I will be returning home soon. I retired 8 years ago & did have a circle of "work friends". We would meet for lunch once a month, but I missed so many lunches because of Ron's health, that soon I was no longer even notified of the upcoming lunches. Sad, but I understood after working for 40 years with many different people that they were not "true" friends. I suppose I have no idea how to even make a "true" friend at my age. In that respect, I have learned to be alone. I am not truly alone as my son lives nearby & is always ready to help me & always ready to listen, but we do not really do social things together. I do not have a lunch or dinner partner, but I have grown used to bringing home take-out from my favorite restaurant. LOL I do not like the idea of eating out alone. I am looking forward to returning home & continuing with my quest of selling off many items in preparation for a move out of state in the next couple of years. There again, I will not really be "surviving solo" as I will be moving with my son & grandson. I'm not sure I would be brave enough to break out on my own in unfamiliar surroundings. If for some reason, I remain in Arizona, I will be fine alone here. Lonely, but fine. I guess I really haven't contributed a lot for suggestions. As I stated earlier, I spend most of my time at the library, Walmart, the grocery store, in front of the TV, or making jewelry. Pretty boring, HUH? I hope all of you have many more "fun" things to do or as Fae does, contributes to others. Love, Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted September 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2014 Dear Karen, I had to smile, because one of my grief counselor's first suggestions to get out was to just go push a cart around some box store, even if I did not buy anything. I think, with all you have had to deal with, you have done remarkably well to keep going, to stay coherent, and to create anything at all, much less something s complicated as jewelry. Solo eating is still a challenge for me, but lately, I have been making myself fix a healthy and appetizing, s well as attractive, dinner, and have been taking my dinner on a tray, with a nice napkin and a glass of wine, and eating out on the patio while I watch the birds migrating through, watch the little creatures of the forest, and watch the clouds. Doug and I used to do that together many evenings. It's still hard to believe he has been gone for almost 31 months, and yet, I still feel as if he is here with me every day. I think we all find our solo way at our own pace. Each of us is unique, and what works for one might not work for someone else. I am glad you are going to be living with your son and grandson. I really miss having anyone else in this house with me. It is just too quiet and so lonely. But until I have healed a lot more from the traumas and am stronger, I will be here. I know you are recovering from medical things as well. We will keep healing and taking good care of ourselves. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted September 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2014 Mary mentions fun and joy. For many of us, especially those early on this grief journey, the big challenge may be having the energy to go to the grocery store, to get the car fixed, to even be able to go shopping. Whatever you are doing to make your way along this new solo path, while on your grief journey, anything that helps you to be out more, to be more social, to help you step outside your grief and enjoy a few moments, this is a good place to share about it. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted September 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2014 Marty ! Mary ! Please change the topic to Singing Solo, rather than surviving solo, which sounds too, too heavy. and add the subtopic "how we find joy and fun now that we are solo" as Mary suggested. (imagine Anne's music notes here, please) fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 3, 2014 Report Share Posted September 3, 2014 Karen, your life sounds much like mine, minus the son...mine is too busy and too far away. I fill my days with much the same and try to make them pass, as if another one down is a feat. I need to figure out how to make friends and have things to look forward to, not just keep busy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted September 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2014 Kay, is it worth your while to take your cards to craft shows, which I know is driving a lot, but you might also meet other artists and make some new friends that way? And make some money too. Being church treasurer sounds the perfect volunteer job for you, with your background. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 3, 2014 Report Share Posted September 3, 2014 It's way too far, it's cost prohibitive plus I couldn't in winter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted September 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2014 Marty or Mary, Thank you for fixing the title and the sub title. Kay, I understand. There are projects I won't take on because of the distance, not to mention the driving in the winter. You have so many talents and skills, and you have such a wonderfully practical, down to earth awareness. I know that something just right for you that will make you happy will turn up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 4, 2014 Report Share Posted September 4, 2014 ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohsosad Posted September 9, 2014 Report Share Posted September 9, 2014 This has nothing to do with the topic but I didn't want to start a new thread. Marty, I just wanted to say I finished your book "Finding Your Way Through Grief" last night and it is a wonderful book. I love how it takes different issues, discusses them, and then makes specific suggestions. I will read it again and again, I'm sure, as I continue on this difficult journey. Thank you for writing it. It is quite a gift for the bereaved. Rita Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 10, 2014 Report Share Posted September 10, 2014 Rita, my dear, writing that book was a labor of love. I am so pleased to learn that you've found its contents to be helpful ~ and how very kind of you to say so here. From my heart to yours, thank you. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted September 10, 2014 Report Share Posted September 10, 2014 In years past I have never truly minded being alone, because it was usually only for brief times. When Mike was Jail Administrator, he would transport prisoners, sometimes was gone overnight....I loved it...would pick up junk food, and make sure I had a good book, and completely enjoy my time. Now that it is always, it is not so good. As Kay mentioned in a different thread, I am fairly active socially. I still am involved in community theatre, although have been cutting back a little. I have a good group of friends that spend time together, if not every week, then every other week. We play cards, eat, watch movies, eat, talk, eat. No wonder I have put on weight. I still read avidly, that is one thing I have done since a young child, and I love reading. Some of it now, however, is to just pass time, when I am here alone. I do have some special trips coming up this year...my friend Joe and I are doing another Mini Cooper Rally, this time in Eureka Springs, AR around Halloween. Will be great fun, and we will attend the Mad Hatter's Ball in Eureka Springs, a big event. We will be dressed to the 9s. Joe will wear Mike's top hat and morning coat. Joe is one of my gay friends, he is mid 50's. So funny the other night when we were all together at another's house. We got to talking about age, and I mentioned I would be 69 this year....Joe is so funny....he said "OH, no, I am dating a 70 year old woman"...much laughter, of course his partner Steve was there, and thought it was funny also. Then the plan is, in April, for my friend Tom, along with my brother and Sister in law and myself to fly to the west coast and spend a week in Napa valley, and driving up the coast. So looking forward to that. Tom will be retired by then, so none of us will be pressed to get back for a job. Finally in June is the World Premiere of the Jones Hope Wooten play that I will be directing. So yes, I do stay pretty busy, and I do enjoy most of what I do. Oh, on solo eating....nope, just can't do it...take out, or fix at home. I usually have lunch at least once a week with one of my girl friends, and other than that, I do a lot of reading!!! Not to mention spending a great deal of time on this computer. It has been a very tough summer, my sister's illness, then losing little Faith. I am ready for some happy times. My grief is always there, and if I could have Mike back for just one hour, I would give up everyything else in the world, but we all know that will not happen. Soooo, I will be grateful for what I have here and will be with him in another place someday. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 11, 2014 Report Share Posted September 11, 2014 I find if I eat out alone, I bring something to read, it helps. I actually enjoy hearing the happy chatter in the background. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bosspark Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 It is so lovely and healing to read posts about positive things happening in the lives of members here. I can only believe that the ones we love would not like to see us always sad, and must take pleasure in the joy that we can find for ourselves. I went to a grief support group for the first time this week, and I was so saddened by the sadness of the members. I don't think I am strong enough yet to bear that. At this point, I am looking for what will boost me up. I hope it is okay to grieve individually and allow myself to look for what I feel will be healing to me. Wayne was such a positive person with such an AMAZING sense of humor that I think maybe I may be honoring his memory more by looking for the light than by dwelling in the darkness. Its so very hard, but having this place to safely share thoughts and feelings is wonderful. Marty, what is the book Finding your Way Through Grief? It sounds like a helpful resource. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 That is the title of a book I wrote that was published by Hospice of the Valley in 2008. You can read more about it here: Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year. You can read readers' reviews on Amazon here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bosspark Posted September 12, 2014 Report Share Posted September 12, 2014 Thank you, Marty. I feel very strongly that this group is a very important part of my grief journey. Today I thought about Wayne and my original post- retirement plan, which was to travel once I was able to retire in three years. Of course, as Wayne's Parkinson's disease worsened, that plan was looking more and more unlikely. Today it occurred to me that I could still travel solo. The world is a big place,and Wayne was able to see a great deal of it in his long life. Why wouldn't he want me to see more of the world if that was what I wanted to do? If we can't travel together, I can still travel and carry him with me in my heart. It was a very happy thought to me and one that seemed appropriate to share in this topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 13, 2014 Report Share Posted September 13, 2014 That sounds like a great idea! And for those of us who can't travel, you can open up the world to us through your eyes! I admire people that go ahead and do the things they'd planned, even though solo. It is that spirit that will serve you well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 13, 2014 Report Share Posted September 13, 2014 When you're ready to plan that trip, this site has several articles with helpful tips on traveling solo: Traveling Without Your Partner ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohsosad Posted September 13, 2014 Report Share Posted September 13, 2014 Bosspark - I've attended some group meetings (different groups) and I've found they bring me further into the depths. I'm still so raw I am unable to speak up in the group which made me feel badly about myself. Most of the people are well along in their grief travels and talk a good deal. I spoke to my counselor (a hospice pastor) and wondered aloud with him if group is just not the right place for me at this time - maybe later - or maybe never. He suggested I put it aside for now and just continue my one-on-one discussions with him. So, although group is often recommended as part of healing, it may not be right for everyone. Rita Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted September 14, 2014 Report Share Posted September 14, 2014 That is so very true, Rita. It is such an individual thing. I also attended a few group gatherings and decided that they were not for me. I was grieving over the loss of my husband and the group was way to diverse for me at the time. I stayed with my grief counselor and she helped me get over some pretty tough times. To this day I do not have words to thank her. I will always be grateful to Hospice of the Valley for all they did to help my family as we cared for my husband during his end of life. I am not at the point where I am even thinking of a solo trip ~ perhaps never. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted September 14, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2014 I, too, went to group for a few times, but felt overwhelmed with all the facets of suffering, pain, grief, anger, and other emotions of those around me. One young woman who had lost her father needed someone to lean on, and chose me, probably because I often appear very strong to others, even if I am a wuss inside. My grief counselor was wonderfully helpful, and I felt free to be open and hurting with her. I still see her every few months if I hit a rough patch. Anne, you may not be thinking about a solo trip of the vacation sort, but you made a successful solo trip to visit your daughter in Illinois, and you are making nearby solo trips sometimes. That is enough. I don't know if I will be able to go on group tours or guided group outings for a while, maybe never. Doug and I did a lot of travels that was just the two of us, and he was not charmed by group tours at all. I know I am not ready yet to go on a cruise solo or even a birding outing with a group where I am on my own, solo. We are all making it one day at a time. Anne, I still hope to get you to Montana or me to Arizona one of these days when we have the energy and courage to do so. Meanwhile, we are all finding little songs to sing solo right here in our own lives, whether it is coloring mandalas, making cards, throwing clay, or counseling others, we are all doing things that add a few notes to the beauty of the One Verse. I am still sort of hibernating, but also sending lots of love to you and a few flingings of *<fairy dust>* as well. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 14, 2014 Report Share Posted September 14, 2014 Rita, your counselor has given you wise advice. It may be too early in your grief journey for you to be attending a support group. This is an excerpt from an article I wrote for Open to Hope, which you might appreciate: The fact that you found it difficult to be in an “in person” grief support group at this point in your grief journey is not at all unusual, for the very reasons you describe: Your husband died barely six weeks ago, you’ve only just begun to confront the harsh realities of this profound loss, and you may not feel ready yet to “be there” for others in their pain. That’s why we usually suggest that mourners wait a few months after the death of a loved one before joining an “in person” support group, until they’re a bit further “down the road” and feel strong enough to listen to other people’s stories of loss. (Even as I say this, however, it’s important to bear in mind that everyone is different in this regard; some people are more “group-oriented” than others, and such folks are quite comfortable and do quite well in a group setting right away. Like everything else in grief, no one “rule” applies to everyone.) You say that hearing the stories of the people on this forum doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable or even more depressed, but I think that has to do with the fact that here you can come and go as you choose, and if you prefer, you can also remain in the background, as hidden and anonymous and invisible as you want to be. Depending on where you are in your own grief process, you may not feel the need for a support group just yet, but that may change over time. There is no right or wrong time to come to a meeting, but if you decide to do so, you might try coming to several meetings rather than just one, since each one changes depending on the composition of the group and what is discussed in it. You can read the entire article here: Grief Support Group Didn't Help--Now What? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 14, 2014 Report Share Posted September 14, 2014 You may want to try a support group in a couple of months, this is probably just too soon. Sometimes people are just too raw and hurting themselves to having a lot to give to others. Here you can give as little or much as you feel comfortable doing and can post or just read according to how you feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now