enna Posted September 15, 2014 Report Share Posted September 15, 2014 I like the idea Mary suggested about a “Bailey oriented project” ~ So many of us do understand your pain and any decision you make is yours to make. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mkroberts16 Posted September 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2014 I have so many pictures of Ms. Bailey, I could indeed do somehitng like that......I'd like to write about her and our lives together. Her breeder sent me a message the other day saying"I'm so glad she got to share her life with you!".... Coming home and waking up in the am is still the worst...2 times of the day, I was dedicated to her...and her needs during the week and of course, listening at night to see if she was ok............. Today is 2 weeks OMG can't believe. I'm not accepting this, I guess........ Thank you all.....for helping me get through this day by day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 16, 2014 Report Share Posted September 16, 2014 Sounds like a great project for you. Acceptance takes time. Be patient with yourself. No judgments....be kind to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 16, 2014 Report Share Posted September 16, 2014 Sometimes it does help to write, acknowledge what you loved about her, and the times you remember with her. It's only been two weeks, that's not very long. Be patient with yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted September 16, 2014 Report Share Posted September 16, 2014 I just read the messages in this thread, and can so totally identify with you mkroberts. I lost my little corgi Faith one week before you lost your precious Bailey. She was diagnosed with congestive heart failure 17 days before she died. The vet clinic and I did all we could for her, but she died in her sleep on August 24th in the night. I have another corgi, Sassy, and having her has kept me going. She misses Faith, as do I. Bringing Faith's ashes home in a little cedar box was very hard, but I put her next to my husband's ashes, right where he would have wanted her to be. I very much understand your need for another dog to love, and if I did not have Sassy, would probably be looking for another Corgi right now. My sympathies are with you, and I am holding you in my heart. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mkroberts16 Posted September 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2014 Thank you...tonite is really difficult as is all others in these last 2 weeks....I can't imagine going on w/o her....she was so much of my life oh bringing home ashes on Sat was awful.....I went thru the same thing w/ my husband's ashes only it took me 5 years to disperse his ashes....and people thought there was something wrong w/ me for waiting so long.... Thank you for your thoughts....it helps to know there are some who understand..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 17, 2014 Report Share Posted September 17, 2014 It took me two years to scatter my husband's ashes. It doesn't matter what others think, it matters that you remain true to yourself, to what you know to be right within yourself, and thank God you are doing just that. Here you have people who understand. I'm sorry it's so hard right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mkroberts16 Posted September 17, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 17, 2014 Its Bailey's Mom agian it is Wed 9/17 OK it has been a little over 2 weeks and some people thinkg I should be "OK" Well I am still over whelmed w/ grief Coming home is awful getting up in the morning is just as awful these are the 2 critical times Bailey needed me...Yes I have seen a grief counselor 2 X now but does it make it go away NO. I still can't sleep thru' the night, as I listen for Bailey stirring..etc I am still so sad w/o her presence.....I get sick to my stomach when I think about handing her over to the ER vet tech. and saying goodbye Did I do the right thing??? too late?? too soon?????? OMG I am so unsettled in grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 17, 2014 Report Share Posted September 17, 2014 Those thoughts/feelings are normal. "some people" thinking you should be okay? They clearly don't get it! I'm still mourning Skye after a YEAR and he was my granddoggy! Don't worry what others think, they're clueless. Bailey had a longer life than any dog I've ever had, you must have been doing something right! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mkroberts16 Posted September 18, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 18, 2014 Its Bailey's Mom again.OK its been about 2&1/2 weeks. People expect that it's enough time to "be better" "over it"...etc.... Well, let me say...I still have not removed her bed, carpet, etc where she last was in my kitchen I haven't even washed her bowls. I still get sick to my stomach when coming home to the apt...and can't see her there when I open the door. I feel so alone.....I have been filling my time w/ work and constantly being on line: looking at Border Terrier photos, reading articles about pet loss, seeking to find a breeder w/ a little girl, and more......... I have even been reading articles on "end of life" for pets, etc..... I still can't accept she is gone...I can't even say the words.... I am seeing a grief counselor...( 2X now)..... But I feel awful........................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 18, 2014 Report Share Posted September 18, 2014 You are doing your grief work (reading articles, looking on line, etc.) and that is what you need to be doing right now to work through this. Please don't worry about what people expect. Even if they've lost pets, their pets may not have meant the same to them as yours did to you, they may not have been as close, interacted as much, etc. And even if they were, everyone copes differently. Concern yourself about YOU, not them and they really shouldn't be telling you what you should/shouldn't feel. How are your feeling about your sessions with your grief counselor? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mkroberts16 Posted September 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 19, 2014 Kay..thank you for your concern & help. Hard to think only of myself right now...it's still so RAW handing her over to the ER vet technician walking to teh car,,,etc.... It does help to be here and to read other articles. I have had 2 grief sessions...she is very good.....also very compassionate ans in sightful I feel good when I am speaking w/ her. You know we have all grieved before but you never "get used" to it,,but I do remember how much I hate the feelings each time...... I guess I was kidding myself that Bailey would be w/ me forever.....it just felt so good to be w/ her...I never thought about a time when I would not be w/ her Thank you for your words & thoughts...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 19, 2014 Report Share Posted September 19, 2014 I know (thinking they'll live forever), my Arlie is 6 1/2 and big dogs don't live as long (he's 128 lbs). I dread the day when he starts having physical problems and knowing the time will come when he'll pass...I can't imagine how I'll live without him. He is everything to me! He's my incentive, my joy in life, what keeps me going! He's the one that makes me smile, ensures I get exercise, and entertains me. He's the one who gives me kisses and the one who notices when I come home. I cant imagine my life without him. But I know it will come. And when it does, I'll probably be inconsolable for a time...I'll probably get another dog when I find the one I think is right, but never ever will I forget Arlie, and never could anyone replace him. He is very special, just as my granddoggy Skye was special. It's funny how they imprint a place in your heart, unique only to them, and no one else can take that spot...yet another manages somehow to create a spot of their own...even when we're resistant to the idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 19, 2014 Report Share Posted September 19, 2014 Kay, I totally understand what you are saying re Arlie's someday death. Totally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mkroberts16 Posted September 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 19, 2014 Its so great that they take such a wonderful part of our lives...making it all the worse when they are called away from us. No, I will never replace Bailey, just like she never replace my girl before her, Parsley, The one thing I am having trouble with today is this weekend will be going into 3 weeks and you know, it DOES NOT seem it at all. There are been no time parameters for the most part....just long hours of hurting all running together...... I know I have gone to work, brushed my teeth, etc......but in a huge timeless window. I am so grateful to have found this site and "met" some of you who understand, who "get it" and most of all who CARE about this topic. I am not doing well and you have all been the most understanding. Thank you. Bailey's mom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mkroberts16 Posted September 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 19, 2014 Can anyone suggest how to deal w/ coming into the apt w/o Bailey??? I Hate it so....she spent alot of time recently iin the kitchen and when I come home my eyes to where she was...same thing in the morning..she was the first activity I did after waking up feeding her and taking her outside only then could I deal with the rest of my morning routine.... any suggestions to help me thru' this?????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 20, 2014 Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 You might consider changing things about a bit...perhaps going into the kitchen after you've done your other things in your routine. I can relate...when my husband was alive we used to always get groceries together on Saturdays, it was a big deal to him since he'd grown up in poverty and not had enough food to eat, he loved getting groceries, it was the highlight of his week. We had to travel 50 miles to the store since we live in the country and can't afford the local store that costs twice as much plus. So when he died, it was really hard for me to travel the highway by myself, let alone go the our grocery store. For a time I had my daughter get groceries for me but after a few weeks I knew I needed to traverse the highway by myself...I did so with tears streaming down my face and I can't tell you how hard it was. I, too, have a routine with my pets. When any of them goes and that routine is disrupted, it is going to be hard. I don't know any way to get through it with ease. When I lost Chappy (he was eaten by a cougar), I had been accustomed to his sleeping with his paws around my neck and his little head burrowed into me...and suddenly I had to sleep alone. There wasn't any real way to alleviate the pain of changing that routine. If anyone has suggestions, I hope you'll post them, I just don't know of any. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mkroberts16 Posted September 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 I thank you for your thoughts..I know there is no "magic" action...I wish there was! I am hard on myself and this makes it harder! When My husband died I could not live alone in our house afterward..I had to move to a new apt. I guess it's my fear of loss...etc...... I really think a new little companion will help in some ways. I may hear from my breeder tomorrow or Monday about any possibiities. Some of my friends told me to a rescue event today, I did...but all dogs were large and I really think my heart wants another Border Terrier,,,,,,,Oh my this is so difficult.......... Thank you again for listening! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 20, 2014 Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 I think this is one reason it's so hard to cope with the loss of a cherished pet: We're constantly bumping into reminders that our fur baby is no longer with us physically. It may help to recognize that each time we bump into these reminders, we are one step closer to recognizing and acknowledging our loss. Difficult as it is, It is nature's way of helping us to face and come to terms with the reality of the death. After my beloved Beringer died, I immersed myself in finding every photograph I could find with him in it. I spent several days doing this. Then I assembled the best of the pictures and put them into a photo book. (I happened to use Snapfish, but there are other programs online designed to do this. Such programs are quite user-friendly, since even in my grief I was able to follow the instructions well enough to produce my own book ~ and trust me, I am NOT a computer geek!) The result was a beautiful memory book that's become a priceless treasure ~ and a gift to my grandchildren as well. Yes, it required concentration and effort, but it worked for me, because the project kept my mind focused and temporarily distracted me from the pain of losing Beringer. I also set aside a shelf in a bookcase that contains Beringer's photograph, a container with his cremains, and a battery-operated votive candle, among other mementos. Above it hangs an artist's painting of Beringer that was commissioned by a very dear friend of mine and later gifted to me. And I've added his picture as "wallpaper" on my computer monitor so I can see his beautiful face frequently throughout the day. After a while, I even commissioned an artist to construct a "soft sculpture" of Beringer, which is basically a stuffed likeness of him, and I placed his collar around its neck. Is all of this crazy overkill? Not at all. It is some of what brought me much-needed comfort following the death of a being whom I've dearly loved, and it is part of what keeps his memory alive for me. It is also something I first learned from my dear father many years ago. See Memorializing a Cherished Pet ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 20, 2014 Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Marty, these are wonderful ideas and ones that can be used for a pet or a human person. mkroberts, even though you did not see any dogs at the rescue event, I applaud you for going and I applaud your friends for reaching out in the only way they knew how to. You will know what you want to do and when. For some of us the breed is extremely important and that deserves to be honored. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mkroberts16 Posted September 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Hi This is Bailey's MOM, my first name is Marcia. Thank you Mary & Marty. What helps me when I come into the apt...I start up my computer and look for replies from you! You have no idea how much they help! I feel like I am walking on "sacred" ground being in the kitchen where Bailey spent most of her last several weeks. i know that sounds way out there....but I feel like I should leave everything just as she left it. I am going to sleep w/ one of her little hoodie sweatshirts tonight. I shudder when I think about the reality of what has taken place. Going to the rescue / adoption event was difficult.....I cried.......I did pet some of the dogs for a bit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mkroberts16 Posted September 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2014 This is going to sound trite and weird but tonight coming home to the empty apt I made a HUGE realization: No matter what kind of day or night I had...work...or anything else..fight w/ the ex-boyfriend, Bailey was ALWAYS there for me when I opened the door if it was a bad day at work, etc...or if I was crying over something ugly boyfriend said, Ms. Bailey was always there and we would sleep together, she would lick my tears whatever until I feel asleep....OMG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 21, 2014 Report Share Posted September 21, 2014 Marcia, (nice to know your name) Your experience of realizing pieces of your loss is one that I would think all of us have experienced....those insights come with grief. As for "walking on sacred ground" I think death does indeed make us aware of the fact that those we love are sacred be they human or animal...or even a tree. We just get so wrapped up in "doing" all day that we tend to forget sacred moments, sacred spaces, sacred beings. I like how you described your kitchen where your furbaby spent so much time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 21, 2014 Report Share Posted September 21, 2014 It's common to want to cuddle or sleep with something of our beloved. When my son was a child, he crocheted me a blanket, and it is one of my most treasured possessions. I sleep with it every night. Once in a while, I catch Arlie holding it, all snuggled up with it and I know it's because he wants to be close to me. Most people would scold their dog and make them get away from it, but not me. I savor the preciousness of that moment. I totally understand your wanting to snuggle up with Bailey's shirt. I think we do what we need to do to bring ourselves comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted September 21, 2014 Report Share Posted September 21, 2014 My dear Marcia, I am early on in my grief for not having my beloved Benji (a rescued Shipperke/Poodle) with me anymore so I do not have much to offer as comfort for you. I do know how your heart is hurting. I also know that there are people here who treasure their pets and understand what it means to not have them physically with us anymore. I also made a memory photo book of my Benji using iMac software. I first did this when my Jim passed away and it is something I treasure to this day. It is good to talk about our losses. And it is very good to have a place where we can come and talk and not be judged. Keep talking about your Bailey and know that we are listening. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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