Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Recommended Posts

I don't ever expect to stop grieving or missing my husband but how long before it stops being so overwhelming that I have to fight to function? It's all still too soon for me, I know that. Today marks two months. I stayed in bed all day, even though I should have been at school. I am starting to feel like I'm never going to be able to overcome this need to wallow in my heartache and pain. It's getting harder instead of easier and if I just had some idea of how long it might be until it eases some, even just a tiny bit, I might be able to hang on. I can't continue to live like this, without any hope at all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I went back to work within two weeks of George's death. In a way, it was a lifesaver, but I made mistakes I never would have made otherwise and at times it was hard to focus and the tears would hit. I can't recall how long it took for me to not feel overwhelmed, but quite some time, I imagine it's different for everyone. He died on Father's Day and I remember the entire summer was a frantic fog. Gradually it started getting better. I don't recall ever staying in bed all day although I heard plenty of others that did. It's not surprising that it feels harder rather than easier because the shock wears off, you're left alone, and reality hits. But eventually it will start to get better. Just be understanding of yourself. The hope is that we are all surviving and you will too. Keep coming here and posting your feelings, it helps to be listened to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel panic when I envision living many more years without Steve. I have to pull my thoughts back to getting through today - just today - and not think about the future. I do have trouble getting up and moving in the morning. I just don't want to face another day without him. The only reason I get out of bed is to let the dogs out. Then I feed them and lie down again and go back to sleep for another hour or two. The next time I wake up I really don't want to get up but force myself. I used to be such a morning person but everything is changed now.

I keep thinking about moving. Someday I think I will have to. The memories are too difficult. But I'm nowhere near being able to take that on.

It's been 11 weeks for me. Still fresh and sometimes I feel like it didn't really happen - my mind still trying to undo it. I could never have imagined how tough this journey could be.

Rita

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If I learned one thing after Bill died, it is to live in the present moment...try not to look down the road right now and try not to wonder how long you will live. I know those are tough and it is difficult to believe the pain lessens and loses it edge. If anyone doubted that, I certainly did. I am sorry you hurt so much. You are both so new on this journey and we who have traveled it awhile can all but guarantee you that it does change.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel like I'm rejecting help by saying this, and I'm not trying to, but even the present moment is pretty awful. Being in it doesn't seem to help much. I guess I just wish someone who really knew what I was feeling would say something like, "if you can hang on for six months, it will still be bad but not quite SO bad", or eight or ten months or two years...just to give me hope for light at the end of the tunnel.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of all, you are not rejecting help. You are sharing how it feels. And I do know the present moment is gut wrenching pain.There are no words to describe it really.

I think people hesitate to say to you that in 6 months or 2 years it will be better because everyone is different. What I can tell you is that the first two years for most of us here were tough and somewhere in the second year the light in the tunnel shows up. Little glimmers of hope return. Now I want to say again, everyone is different and you may see changes sooner or later than that but as I see folks here, I see shifts happening around those times. Another piece of this is that you take care of yourself even though that is hard to do. Eat well, walk, get out of the house. I used to drive to Wal Mart and just wander around, buy a loaf of bread and come home just to change the energy. I went to lunch with friends. I read everything I could get my hands on. Go to our articles topics and start reading...even if it feels impossible. It does help, at least it helps many to educate themselves as that give hope. do some journaling and reading to educate yourself about grief and read the posts here of the folks who post regularly -go back and read their early posts - and you see the gradual shifts. I don't want to name names but there are folks here who post often---read their early posts and how it was for them. You will not live in this gut wrenching pain forever...it WILL shift if you do your part...

Perhaps others will share their journeys with you also. You are in good and safe company here so do stay and share your pain anytime you wish as often as you wish. That is one of the reasons we are all here. Bless you, Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with everything you said, Mary, and I want to emphasize the fact that grief does change over time, just as we change in our response to it. The agonizing pain of loss diminishes in intensity over time, but it's never gone completely. It is a process, not a single event, and it takes place over time.

In addition, it should be noted that the passage of time alone does not heal grief ~ It is what we do with the time that matters. Grief is hard work and it takes enormous energy ~ that's why in the beginning it's important to tend to the basics by taking good care of your body so you'll have the stamina and the strength to do the work required. That means seeing your primary care physician for a check-up to make sure you're physically healthy; getting sufficient rest and exercise; staying hydrated by drinking plenty of water; eating nutritious foods even if you have no appetite.

This careful attention to your physical needs prepares you for doing the hard work that grief requires. I invite you to read Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief

See also How Long Do We Grieve?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In the first year after my Pete died I hardly functioned. I was an automaton and if it hadn't been for being needed by our daughter and her two year old and newly born second daughter I think I might have died of self neglect. I don't even have memories of that time much. It's as though my brain didn't put down memories. I became ill a few times too. I was lucky that over the road was a neighbour who checked up on me. She understood grief because her partner had been killed in a motor bike accident. She is still there for me. It's now three years this November since my Pete suffered the devastating stroke which he died of five months later. I won't tell you I'm recovered because I'm not. I never will get over the loss. But I do function better. I am able to appreciate that I am still alive, even though Pete took everything that meant everything with him when he died. But he left me with sweet memories and ok that isn't enough, but it has to be enough. I found that reading about other people's grief helped me. Talking to other people whose life partner has died helps too. Their grief doesn't increase our own. It sort of sanctions it. Mary and Marty were so helpful to me in my early months here. Mary never told me I'd soon feel better. She knew that the loss I'd suffered was so huge that it shattered everything I cherished. I still turn away when I read things like Move on, or something good will come from your loss. How can that be true when the person who gave meaning to your life has gone. But I've found that Pete hasn't gone. Ok I long for his physical presence. But I do truly feel him near me (I'm not a conventionally religious person by the way). I understand how you feel ( so far as anyone else can understand someone else' a grief). I can give you just a little hope. Just hang in there. Don't look forward. It won't look good. Look back if it helps. Remember the love. And just keep writing here because people here truly understand. We are all still grieving. We support each other. We are doing our very best to cope in our new and unwelcome lives without our soul mates. And we are carrying on and sometimes we even smile and laugh, just as they would want us to do. Jan

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If anyone would have told me I'd survive this, I wouldn't have believed them. I didn't think it possible, but here I am. We learn to adjust, to cope. We never stop missing them. Like Jan said, remembering their love carries us through.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jan, I remember well how much pain you were in and you are a living example of how grief changes and that we do adjust.

Kay, I agree...if anyone would have told me I would survive the pain, I would not and did not believe them....the pain is just so deep. But as you say, we learn how to cope and to adjust...and yes, we miss them forever and as Jan said, our love and memories carry us through.

I also think that down the road, helping others helps also. That means helping in any way. I volunteered at a food pantry until my back said I needed to stop. Visiting those in nursing homes. Helping kids learn how to read by listening to them read at a local school. The ways of helping are endless and somewhere down the road that might appeal to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Donnacas,

I understand what you are asking and I am going to answer you with my journey. My husband has now been gone, 5 months and 7 days. The first 2 months were okay because I had to function to take care of all the financial obligations. I was grieving but I did not let myself feel to much and just forced my way thru each and every day. I found a counselor at the beginning of my 3rd month and I am glad because the 3rd month was the worst for me so far. I got really down and I had to face that my husband was not coming back and that this was my new life. Did not like it at all and the feelings of hopelessness began to overwhelm me. I fought my way through this month and into my 4th month and finally had to understand that I had to replace hopeless with hopeful. I have had to learn to replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts. As I went from the 4th month into the 5th month, I have learned to keep myself busy and to look for something hopeful everyday. This does not mean that I am not grieving anymore, just that I know that I have a life to live and that my husband loved me and I made a promise to him that I would be okay and live my life. That is what I am doing. I take each minute, hour, day, week and work my way thru them. That is what you can and will do. When you don't feel like getting up, that is when you need to get up the most. Do not let yourself give into the darkness around you. It is okay to rest, reflect, journal, cry and to just feel, but when it is easier to stay in bed than get up that is when you need to get up, get dressed and move. You say you get up to let the dogs out, then go out with the dogs and look around. Look at the sky, admire the trees and flowers, listen to the birds sing, take the dogs for a walk and look around at the world. Admire Gods creation and smile and be grateful. I know this sounds easy and its not, but if you start to do this you will start to slowly feel better. No the grief does not just stop, but you can live with it and that is what you will do. I still wish that I could just back up time and that my husband was not dead and would just walk through the door, but that is not going to happen and I can't allow myself to dwell on what ifs. I have to live in the moment, which is now and each day figure out how to find recognize the good around me and not dwell on the negative. God loves you and so do all of us who know how you feel. We hurt when you hurt, but I also want to smile when you are able to smile again and I know that you will be able to do that.

Donna (Sadlynn)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Donnacas,

You asked a question, “but how long before it stops being so overwhelming that I have to fight to function?” I do not think there is an answer for that question that can be applied generally. Each one of us must go through this pain only as we know how. It would be like asking a mother which child does she like best.

I am so sorry for your pain. Words are so limiting when it comes to describing any loss. I am now 27 months and 13 days living and functioning without my beloved husband, Jim. Those early months I was a robot going through the paperwork that needed to be attended to so I would be able to survive. Memorials and services were somehow taken care of but I don’t remember them. People came and went with good wishes, food and support. Then it all stopped. I was left alone with my memories. I even cursed Jim for leaving me. I was angry with him because he knew how very lonely I’d be without him. Nothing has filled that emptiness but I am functioning. Something I thought I’d never be able to do either.

Working on my grief has brought me to a better place. Grief counseling saved me. I slowly began to understand that what I was going through was normal grief. For the first months I’d tell my counselor that I thought I was doing fine and she agreed with me but kept telling me that now I needed to work on getting my mind and heart closer together. I didn’t understand that until about four months into our meetings when during her visit all I did was cry. Her comment to me was, “Now we are getting somewhere.” It was at that time I learned how to accept the emotion of loss and allow it to take its course.

As a retired educator, for four decades, I was asked by one of my student teachers, now a teacher, if I would come to her class and read to her second graders. I agreed. Over the summer we talked about the theme for the new school year. She told me that her second graders were all about fairies and fairy themes. All my experience was with middle and high schoolers so I was a bit hesitant going into her room for the first time. I had been used to reading to older students but not the small ones. The experience lasted for half a year and it made me feel good to volunteer. I did not dress as a fairy but I did have a set of wings tucked away in my bag of books that I bravely put on outside her classroom door before I entered.

Grief takes work as so many have said. Reading about grief, reading about other grievers’ journeys help to normalize your own grief. Our hope comes from seeing that others have made the same journey you are on right now. I think it is only after awhile that we see how far we have come and we get our answer about how long it takes for the overwhelming feeling to leave us.

You will get to that place.

Anne

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Donnacas,

I feel for you in your loss and recent challenges. 2 months is so short in grief yet probably feels like an eternity in your heart & soul.

You've received some great counsel here. I trust the wisdom from those on this site who started their grief journey before us.

As you work, do try to take a few hours a week to read about grief, care for yourself, eat well, drink water, go for a walk, listen to your heart, try to sleep, take naps or at least rest a bit.

You ask, "how long"? Our grief and loss varies widely, so each of us will have a unique adjustment to our "new normal".

When my early grief counselor advised me to re-think that same question after one year, I cringed. This week marks one year since my husband died. Not one day in the past 12 months has been emotionally easy; I awaken dreaming of him and I hug his pillow goodnight. I've not yet reached the point where happy memories outshine my sadness. I look forward to that.

Maybe this will work for you....it helps me: when I have a quiet day, I rest, read, sleep, introspect. There's often a grief insight to ponder. It's all exhausting. Yet my grief is lighter than last year.....my insight is deeper....I'm sleeping well most nights now. I wish that you you too.

Hang in there with healthy habits, talking with your loved ones, listening to them, too. What you're learning now will help you through your grief evolution. Take good care.

Jo

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Donnacas,

It has been 31 months and 6 days since Doug escaped his body which had quit functioning, as the cancer inexorably moved into more and more organs, more and more tissue. The last day, Doug pulled out his tubes and announced that he was leaving very soon, and then told me that he would be here, loving and caring for me, no matter what. No matter what.

As I held him in my arms as he left, I felt as though all of life had left with him, yet I had the hope of his promise. And although I have been through much, as has everyone here in their own way, I still hold to and know that the promise is true, because I am still here. :)

I was numb for the first year, trying to carry on and keep things going, even though we had talked about what changes would be needed. It took a long time for me to adjust to and accept the reality, the fact, of Doug's physical absence.

It is early days yet for you, and it is so hard to learn to live with and through the deep and harsh pain of this grief. Even when I lost parents, grandparents, and a brother, it was not this painful or hard on my heart. Somehow, I could accept that grief and loss more easily, and keep going, probably in part because I had Doug to share the grief with me. When Doug left, I was left standing on the edge of a great abyss, darkness all around, and no one to catch me or even care if I fell off the world. That is how it felt. It took all my energy and focus to remember to eat, sleep, get dressed, brush my teeth, just make it through the days.

As the days pass, small things begin to come into focus, and you will be able to notice the smile of a friend, feel the hug of someone who cares, hear a word of kindness and compassion from someone who grieves with you. But for the first while, I think we are mostly numb, in a fog, wrapped tightly in our grief, and barely moving outside of our own pain. The pain of the grief is like a little box, and it takes a while to be able to move out of it, even to push a hand through the grief to lovingly fix ourselves a cup of tea with gentle compassion and self-awareness. The pain is truly like a prison cell, and although there is no door, it take a while to have the energy to even contemplate the bird singing outside the window, or to walk through the door for a few minutes of sunlight.

Be patient and gentle with yourself. Give yourself as much time as you can to meditate, write in your journal, cry, wail, hold his shirt and feel his love around you. Take care of your precious body, and treat it well. Take naps. As Jo said, keep the healthy habits going. Reach out to others for loving companionship. Trust that the healing is happening, even if you don't notice it every day.

Go gently, and cherish yourself and who you are as you walk through this time of great grief and deep healing.

Blessings,

fae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

fae, you speak truth and compassion like no other...perhaps in part because you really walk and walked into your pain... :wub:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My question isn't because I'm being impatient with myself or with grieving. Like I said, I don't ever expect to stop grieving for and missing my husband. I can and will live with that. And I appreciate the kind and comforting words more than I can say. I also know that everyone grieves differently and no one can give me a specific time frame on anything. Lordy, wouldn't it make life more bearable if there was one?

No, I am really just looking for a round about estimate of when this absolutely CRIPPLING AND OVERWHELMING PAIN will ease just a little bit. I feel like if I had some semblance of a point when it would be a little easier to function, maybe I could hang on with just a glimmer of hope. Because I can tell you, I am a strong person, but Hecules himself couldn't endure this sort of anguish for his entire life, or his life wouldn't have lasted long. I'm just looking for an aiming point. A place to lift my eyes to, just a little.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I read in a couple of places lately - and was also told by a friend who is a counselor - that grieving can become chronic. That scared me. I'm giving in to my tears and anguish as often as they hit me - I thought that was what grief "work" is - but now I'm wondering if I am establishing a pattern that I won't be able to stop. I'm interested to see what Marty and Mary would say about this. Is it possible to grieve too much? - and it can become a way of life?

Rita

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Donnacas wrote,

"I am really just looking for a round about estimate of when this absolutely CRIPPLING AND OVERWHELMING PAIN will ease just a little bit. I feel like if I had some semblance of a point when it would be a little easier to function, maybe I could hang on with just a glimmer of hope."

It will get easier. Give it some more time. The wonderful fact that you are asking this question means that you are striving and hoping for change, and that you are doing the work to help yourself to heal. For me, it was after the first anniversary of Doug leaving. But the pain was already a little less by then. I have a dear friend who lost her husband a few months after I lost Doug (Doug's not lost; I know just here he is, and he is right here!) and she is very much recovered in many ways—taking trips in and out of the country, adopted another dog, is gardening, going on trips with friends, and enjoying life and has been on a couple of dates, too. For her, she felt she had made a lot of headway in about 14 months. She is on anti-depressants, and they seem to have helped her. I didn't want to take brain chemistry meds, so I do a LOT of meditation and journaling, daily. I still meditate daily. It really helps.

If you can sit patiently and compassionately with yourself for the first year, giving yourself all the healing tools you can find, and coming here to vent, question, seek, and share, I think you will find that a year from now, you will be stronger, more at peace, having moments of joy (I remember looking at the clouds and smiling one day, just so happy to be able to see and enjoy beautiful clouds again) and feeling a new appreciation for simple things such as the laughter of a child, the smell of good coffee brewing, a cookie fresh from the oven, a bird's song, or the hug of a dear friend.

I know that seems like forever from the depths of a broken heart and the echoing aloneness of walking into rooms where no one is waiting, but the pain and emptiness truly do get better. I think the more we lean into our grief, the more we can let it move through our hearts and release the pain (usually through tears), the more we can feel those empty spaces filling up with love, gratitude, appreciation for life, and hope for the future.

Looking back, I can see how much better I was emotionally after two years. I am slowly getting stronger and better physically too. I am getting more social. I feel I have more self-confidence and courage. But there are still days, moments, when I miss Doug terribly and just sob for a while as I release more grief, pain, emptiness. I can feel life and love filling my heart, so it does not feel so empty now as it did even six months ago.

Aim for a year from today, and help the healing by coming here, seeing a grief counselor, reading helpful books on healing, and journal, meditate, and enjoy chocolate as often as needed.

*<twinkles>*

fae

Rita wrote,

"Is it possible to grieve too much? - and it can become a way of life?"

Wow, that is an interesting question. Too much for whom? because we are all so unique and individual.

I think a lot of people who might ask that question are used to the cultural norm of stuffing the grief, hiding the pain, covering over the sadness, because they cannot deal with the raw emotional charge of deep grief. Our culture avoids, escapes from, sets aside, and ignores grief. I know people who had to go back to work three days after losing a spouse. And we all have different emotional makeups, so one person's grief might be construed as another person's "too much" or "way of life" simply because their grief is expressed and felt in a different way. I don't think I would know how to tell anyone they were grieving too much: I think we all grieve as much as we need to grieve. But one acquaintance told me two months after Doug left that "You are simply wallowing in your grief, you need to let it go and get over it, and get back to life!" I did not hit her. :) Nor have I invited here for dinner since then.

For me, I went through the first year in numbness and denial. About a year into the grief, I found this wonderful supportive, caring and healing place, where Marty and Mary hold us as we heal, and realized I had to deal with the grief, work through it, and find a way to keep myself alive and as healthy as I could. While I was trying to reconcile myself to the grieving process I was also dealing with health issues and repeated robberies of our houses, so there was not a lot of time to get stuck in a rut, so to type.

I think people can get stuck in a rut about anything, and grief work is probably no exception. If I could not look back two years and see how incredibly far I have come, how much stronger and healthier I am now, how much more social and self-caring, how much more competent and joyful, how much more aware and alive, I would worry.

But I think as with a lot of other ruts, we reach a point where we look at ourselves in the mirror one day, and ask, "When did I quit using lipstick? Where is my blusher? Are these my dull, lifeless, tear-crusted eyes? Is this my life from now on?" And so, that day, I started to resurrect myself from the despair of grief, and here are a few things I did.

(First of all, remember that this was more than a year later, and I am still working on the reformation, the transition, because the old me who loved and lived with Doug is not much here any more. There is a new me emerging, that has parts of the old me, but also a lot of new facets. We tend to kick ourselves out of ruts, because there is no joy there. And I think we are created to seek joy in our lives. So we get out of the ruts and begin to make new pathways for our journey.)

I started going back to Meeting on First Day. The peace of sitting in silence, and the loving compassion and intimacy of our close group of Quaker Friends gave me a safe, belonging place to be without needing to be more social than I felt able to be. It also bolstered my faith and restored my sense of wholeness. I got back in touch with my Creator. That helped a lot.

I started making myself go out to eat at least once a month, with a girlfriend, and dressing up and putting on makeup to go out for the event. Self caring is so very important!

I went back to walking, using free weights just to work up a sweat and feel my body being alive again. That really helped a lot. It helped more when my girlfriends started noticing and commenting on my better posture and stride (I had emergency surgery for caudal equina several months after Doug left, and I am still getting my stride and balance worked out to my satisfaction, but I can climb trees again.)

I started reading some escapist fiction, and got caught up in the romance and action of the plots enough to escape from the constant grief shadowing my mind.

Then, I began to add a few more things, such as short drives out into the countryside, visiting friends, going shopping for little things, and so much more, just to feel that I had a life again. I love my volunteer work at an art museum. I started doing repairs that had been left undone on the house while Doug was so very ill. There were just a lot of things I decided I could try to do, and the little successes really helped me to feel I could, somehow, manage to go on.

I imagine that grieving can become chronic, but I don't think any of us here are in much danger of that. It seems we are all too busy doing things to have that happen. We may be in some ruts about not wanting to date, about not wanting to marry, about a variety of things, but I think grieving is a pretty organic process, and that at some point in time, we have released enough of the pain and sadness, filled the emptiness, and opened the windows of our lives enough that we are pretty much back in the world. It is a different world, but it is still out there. :)

Every day of our lives, we shift, change, gain new perspectives. I think it would be hard to get stuck in a grief rut. Grief is not depression. Grief is a process, not a chronic condition like depression can be. I don't think it is anything to worry about, because I think we all strive to leave behind the pain and the grief, and journey on to acceptance, peace, and a new way of living in spirit with our Beloved. I hope this helps a little.

*<twinkles>*

fae

This is a very long post! Yikes!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

fae covered both posts so well there isn't much to add. I suppose if someone fixates on something they could be considered as grieving too much by outsiders, but I hesitate to even say that because it is pretty much all consuming, particularly at first (the first 2-3 years?)...at least it seemed so to me. It is not, however, the same at two years as it was at one year, nor as at six months...it is ever changing and you'll find grief bursts can come at any time and you'll do better then worse then better...and so forth. I hope this answers a little bit. I don't think it goes entirely away. And when I say "fixates" I mean to the exclusion of everything else, where you won't let yourself smile or progress or consider any "life", cease to enjoy any activities or pleasures. It IS common in the early stages to not feel desirous of previous hobbies, watching a movie, reading a book, etc. that you previously enjoyed. This will come back, although it may not entirely to previous level, but some at least. It's really just so hard to compare because we're all so individual about how we handle things. Some of us have good support around us, some do not. Some have a job they like, some do not. It took me YEARS to where I could read again (for pleasure) and even then it still has not come back to where it once was. I still enjoy my hobby but not always to the extent I once did. That's okay. I've learned to act on it when the urge strikes. :) For the first year I could not watch a movie (without George :( ) but I have no problem the last few years enjoying them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

fae and Kay have covered this topic very well, Rita. There are many pieces to the grieving process. First, there is the person who comes to grief. We come with our own histories, habits, behaviors and in some rare instances mental health issues. All of that has an effect on how we grieve, of course. Then there is our motivation to deal with our grief in a healthy way i.e. reading, journal, taking care of ourselves, exercise, being social, getting support and more. Those affect our grief process. There is the person who postpones grief or does not grieve at all. And there is also how the person we love died. A murder, a tragic accident, a missing person, and other complicated situations affect our grief process. And sometimes one or more of these and other factors can lead a person to deal with their grief in an unhealthy way.

Frankly in the 40 years I have dealt with grieving people I have never seen a pattern of grief develop but of course, I am working with people who seek out assistance and work hard to heal.

If on the other hand, we walk into our pain, feel our pain but also counterbalance that with good self care, sharing with understanding people and perhaps counseling or group counseling I think the chances of someone grieving chronically are slim to none. If anything I believe people do not allow themselves to grief enough because our society squelches that with its fear and ignorance of grief. If someone is involved with others especially with a well trained bereavement counselor and actively working on her grief process, I can not imagine this happening. There is always the exception of course.

We are in charge of any pattern of behavior that we might start and we can change that at any time. I just have not bumped into that in a basically healthy person. If a person comes into grief with serious mental health issues already and has no support in the process, a person can sink into depression but again that is a situation of complicated grief and not normal grief. The problem in our culture is that people fear grief and are ignorant of it so when they see someone grieving or having a moment or day of sadness a few years after a huge loss....they tend to see that as abnormal. It is not abnormal. It is normal grief. I can guarantee you that 4+ year after losing my husband Bill, I have bad days and 20 years from now I will still have tears over Bill on occasion. That is all normal.

Are you concerned about this for yourself? If so, I urge you to sit with a well trained bereavement counselor. Check with a local Hospice to find one. Not a therapist who has no training or experience in grief counseling. Process this concern with that person. It sounds like you are fearing your sadness and because we are not educated to know what normal grief is, we see this pain sometimes as something that is not normal. I will do a bit of research tomorrow to find you some articles that discuss this in greater depth. Re-read fae and Kay's responses and please know that people do not want a pattern of chronic grief to develop and as I said, I have not seen it happen...ever...even in the most painful of situations I have been graced to be a part of.

Peace to you, Rita.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Donnacus, you have had such wonderful and insightful answers to your questions. And they are very valid questions. When I lost Mike, 4+ years ago, I though that very soon I would be back to normal, that the gut wrenching grief, and disbelief would gradually subside and I would be back to "normal". Little did I know that old "normal" would not be showing it's face again. As said before on this thread, it is different for everyone. I came home from the hospital the day after Mike's sudden death. I had just had a total knee replacement a couple of days before he died. I was on pain meds., and so I think I was rather numb for the first few months, besides the numbness from his death. I went back to work about 2 months after his death, I was already scheduled off from work due to knee surgery. It was hard, very hard. I cannot even really tell you when I finally realized the raw grief was easing up a little. But I can tell you that it will happen. You are still so very early in this horrible journey, as others have said, the most important thing you can do right now is make sure you take care of your self, eat well, try to sleep, or at least rest, and don't sweat the rest of the stuff. A grief counselor would be helpful. This group right here has been the most helpful tool for me. Lots of wisdom, personal experience, and loving caring people who will listen to anything you need to say, and will be able to give you some insight. Stay with us Donnacus. You have a long journey to make, but we are all in various stages of that same journey, and someone will have the right thing to say to help you at any time.

QMary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, the "normal" we once knew is gone...that's why they call this the "new normal"...not that anything about it feels normal to us, I used to hate that term, but it is ours now, like it or not, and we do eventually learn to coexist with it if nothing else.

I realize I will never stop missing George. I will always keep a few of his things to go to, hold onto and think of him. I will never stop loving him, and will continue to draw comfort from his love for me...his love has not died, even though he passed from this life to what is beyond. He may not be able to physically hold me or talk to me, but I think of him constantly. If truth be known, I think anyone that has a relationship like ours goes through this.

This IS our new normal. Trying to find joy in little things, learning to be mindful of this moment, surviving, and always remembering. There's a place in the Bible that talks about our "working out our salvation"...well that's kind of how this grief is for us...we continue to try and work out our grief, it takes effort and it's more work than we ever realized...but we're doing it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much to everyone for your replies to my concerns about chronic grief. It's nearly 3 months now since Steve died so I know it's early, but gosh, the pain is so intense. I spend hours crying every day. Yesterday, a Sunday, was especially awful. Sunday - the day of rest - we would watch golf together, have a nice dinner, talk about everything. He would read the latest thing he had written for my comments while I sat and worked on a needlepoint or a knitting project - with the dogs sleeping nearby. It was peaceful and cozy and it's all gone now. I can't watch golf or old movies, can't knit or work on any project. And I want to move to get away from the memories.

I am talking to a counselor who is a hospice pastor. I did go to a therapist very early on and that was a bad experience (talk about clinical! and no empathy from her at all!). This pastor is good for me. The groups don't work for me.

So much of my many years with Steve involved my working with him on his creative projects, and now that's all gone to. I have to become a new person, and I'm so reluctant to give up the old one.

This is a horrible, lonely journey. I thank you all for being there so I can vent.

Rita

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I too had a bad experience with a grief counselor who told me I needed to remove my wedding ring and move on! And this was in the first month. I'm glad you have someone better now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...