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Sometimes, like today, I am able to distract myself for most of the time. The thing is, distracting yourself wears you out after a while. And when I finally stop, it all crashes back down on me. I think even just a steadiness in the emotions would be easier to handle. The highs and lows are terrifying.and then some days, distraction doesn't work and those are truly awful days.

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This is just my experience but I don't think you should move to get away from memories (or at least not yet). I live in the little cottage that Pete and I moved to in 2001. I find enormous comfort in being surrounded with the things we put together. I try to keep it pretty much the same and it helps me. Others may feel differently but I know everyone will say wait at least a year before making any big move.

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I, too, find comfort living in the place that we shared. I know it may not always be feasible as I age, but for now, I enjoy being here, where I scattered his ashes, where we shared the best times of our lives.

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Rita,

If you can, don't move yet. Wait at least—at the very least—a year before you move.

I was all set to move away from our home, and then I began to understand the healing journey that was before me, and I am so very glad I have stayed put, because the grief work and adjusting to the new life are quite enough for a while, for at least a year, maybe two,for anyone.

If you don't need to move for financial reasons, stay where you are for a while longer. I think you will be glad you did.

fae

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Thank you all, my friends, for the advice not to move. Even the thought of doing it is exhausting. I'm just putting more pressure on myself. I think I am dreading the next season of cold and snow. There is alot of snow where I live and Steve and I always worked on it together - he with the plow and me with the snowblower. Now I will be doing it myself and that makes me incredibly sad. Another thing to face alone.

I will have to put the idea of moving aside for now.

Rita

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Rita, I understand...I too live in snow country. I don't have a plow and George was working on getting the snowblower working when he died...it's in pieces in the carport. Somehow I've kept up by myself. Try not to be afraid, even when it seems daunting, everything will workout.

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Marty,

Thank you for sending me to that article. Best line in it is that you can't leave your grief behind. I'm sure that's what my wanting to move is all about. My mind is saying - go where everything is new and you don't have to look at HIS things and you'll feel better. But that will just stuff it. I'm sure the pain will re-surface at some point.

Actually, that reminds me of something I was thinking about this morning. Let's say grief is in a container. The goal is to empty that container as long as it takes. I can go through it deeply and consistently every day, or I can go through it for a few hours a day and try to distract myself the rest of the day to get some relief. I ask myself, which is better? Will the contents still be waiting for me after I finish my distraction, or will the rest I took have some benefit and perhaps help with emptying the contents? I'm not describing this too well.

This is my brain doing anything and everything to try to move out of this horrible pain.

Rita

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I'm not sure the container ever empties because grief can continue fresh. But it helps to let it flow and not try to stop it.

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I also think it helps to know that it's okay to take a break from grief and the exhausting work that it requires. Your grief will still be there when you get back. When you're rested or even refreshed a bit ~ if only by meditating, taking a nap or going for a walk and breathing in the fresh air ~ you're better prepared to return to it.

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:wub: Totally agree. If I did not and do not distract myself as needed, I know that would have been and would be a very poor choice. We can not grieve 24/7 and as Marty said, grief will be there waiting for you. In the early days I found that I was more easily distracted by leaving the house...lunch with a friend, wandering the mall, etc.

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So true! And we have to give ourselves permission to smile or laugh. It doesn't mean we're betraying our Love. It is human to smile and it is a good thing, even if only for a moment.

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I do a lot of things to distract myself. When I walk our dog twice daily I listen to Audible on head phones so as not to be alone with my sad thoughts. I do research which distracts me. I spend time with our little grandchildren and then I don't even have time to think! I go on the internet a lot, on Facebook, etc. all these things help to distract me from grief. It's still there when I stop them but it helps me not to be devastated with loss all the time.

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Distractions from grief are a good break, but yes the grief is always there. I do community theatre, spend time with friends (movies or games) read a lot, FB a lot, just surf the internet a lot, all of those things are a distraction, and I do actually enjoy them, but the grief and loneliness is always there. It is just part of our new "normal". Most people I know would look at me and think I am "recovered" and have "moved on". They really don't have a clue, and I don't blame them. Until you are on this journey, you just don't know. And I do not wish them to travel this road, although, as part of life, most of them will.

As far as moving from the home Mike and I lived in, well it never came up in my mind. We married in 1990, and Mike moved into a house that I owned. Later when we bought the lot next door, the entire property was put in both our names. We lived here our entire married life, and all the landscaping was done by Mike. I will never leave this place, until I join Mike. It has so many wonderful memories of Mike, I have pictures of him working in the yard, and building the deck off of our back porch....I took pictures at all the stages of the deck. He was so proud of himself!! As was I.

QMary

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Well, I am sure she was frightened and sad but what she experienced can not be compared to your loss. My guess is that her intentions were good.

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I'm sorry her words hurt you. I'm sure she was terribly afraid of losing her husband, as well as missing him...there are no guarantees you'll see each other again in wartimes.

The one that got me when I lost my husband was a former BIL telling me he knew how I felt because he'd lost his parakeet...only to find out he got his parakeet back three days later so he hadn't even lost him! People go overboard in their attempts to relate sometimes, not realize that their analogy is way off base.

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I had a perfect example today as to why we need to talk to each other here because people who haven't suffered such losses don't undertstand. I met a chap who Pete and I have known for years. He asked me how I was. I said I was ok. He said how long is it. Now since Pete died? I said it was two and a half years. He said "are you getting over it now, Jan?". He said this in a really nice way. I said "I will never get over it". He said "I suppose I can understand that. I was divorced a few years ago. Of course that isn't the same thing". I said "well no, if you lose your husband who you've been happily married to for 50 years you don't get over it, you just learn to cope". He is a lovely chap but oh he had no idea at all. I hope he realised that I wasn't criticising his attitude but ......

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Jan, I think you handled this well...you did not back down from speaking truth but you also did not lunge into him with anger. You educated and shared your own feelings...this is how we change attitudes about grief. :wub:

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As I stated elsewhere, when my grief was fresh, I had someone compare the loss of my husband to their three day disappearance of their parakeet. No kidding! It just goes to show how clueless people can be if they haven't been through it. I hope I was more sensitive to people than that before going through it myself.

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When my father died in 1997 I had no clue how hard it must have been on my mother. She died 7 years later and lived alone until the last year when she went into a nursing home after falling and breaking her hip. She was so terribly unhappy those years. I lived quite a distance away so I only visited about every other month. Looking back now, I had no idea what she must have gone through. Now I know the pain of it.

Rita

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Yes, it must have been hard for her, I know all too well. I would be delighted if my kids visited every other month! I used to go see my mom with the kids every week after my dad passed, so she could have something to look forward to.

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