I Cant Forgive Myself :(

[sharirouse]

Hi guys,

Im new here so bare with me please as I learn my way around this site. But anywho, my dad passed away two weeks ago and Ive been through all the emotions and guilt is overpowering everything. To be perfectly honest, I feel like I failed my dad.

My dad had stage 4 colon cancer but died from septic shock due to his liver failing. I never realized how sick he was and he never told me. Since we found out in stages how bad he was doing, I was able to apologize and really tell my dad how much I loved him and I have apologized but in a general sense and he told me there was nothing to be sorry about but as the days go on, I feel like I wasnt there enough. Im 20 and in my third year of college so yes, I couldnt always be there and he understood that because he was so proud that I was in school but that doesnt justify it for me.

My parents divorced when I was 9 but separated since i was 7 and all i can see in my mind is my dad sitting at home alone. My parents became friends and she helped take care of him but sometimes she would think he was annoying so if we saw him at the store she would wait till he walked by because she didnt want to talk. Well, that breaks my heart looking back at it. I didnt mind talking to my dad but I understand why she didnt want to but i cannot get it out of my mind. He deserved so much more! How dare I?!

And lastly, I have an older brother who is 47 (my dad was 70) and he recently came back into my dads life and for time purposes, no one trusted him. No one, my father included. Well we got into an argument a few days after my dad passed and I feel like my dad was given piece of sh!t kids and I feel so bad.

I feel like I should have loved him more and when I say that, i dont mean I didnt love him because I do so much but he deserved more.

I apologize for the novel but I cant escape my mind.

[enna]

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your Dad. The fact that you had the time to tell your Dad that you loved him and are busy with attending school I’m sure made him very proud of you.

We do the best we can at the time we are living our lives and more often than not we feel guilty for things we did not do. What is important is what is in our hearts. It is easy for us to look back and think of all the things we ‘could have, should have’ done.

I am sorry that arguments occurred with your brother. Those are things he will have to answer for and not you.

After awhile you will find peace in that you were/are a caring person. Right now, you have to grieve the death of your father. All these feeling you are experiencing right now are just feelings and they will pass.

Come here and express yourself. Those here are listening and understand about loss. I wish you well in your studies.

Anne

[mfh]

I am. Very sorry for the loss of your father and the complicated but common feelings surrounding his death. It is very common that we look back and see what we "could have" done or wish we had done. I seldom see anyone who has not had those feelings. Perhaps putting your feelings in writing in a letter to your father will help you to air them and lead to your letting go of the regrets. It all takes time and work. In the meantime, I suggest you focus on your own grief and perhaps read other posts on this site to see how others deal with loss. We all need to learn more about grief. Again I am so sorry. Please return and allow us to listen to you and support you.

[sharirouse]

I am. very sorry for the loss of your father and the complicated but common feelings surrounding his death. It is very common that we look back and see what we "could have" done or wish we had done. I seldom see anyone who has not had those feelings. Perhaps putting your feelings in writing in a letter to your father will help you to air them and lead to your letting go of the regrets. It all takes time and work. In the meantime, I suggest you focus on your own grief and perhaps read other posts on this site to see how others deal with loss. We all need to learn more about grief. Again I am so sorry. Please return and allow us to listen to you and support you.

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your Dad. The fact that you had the time to tell your Dad that you loved him and are busy with attending school I’m sure made him very proud of you.

We do the best we can at the time we are living our lives and more often than not we feel guilty for things we did not do. What is important is what is in our hearts. It is easy for us to look back and think of all the things we ‘could have, should have’ done.

I am sorry that arguments occurred with your brother. Those are things he will have to answer for and not you.

After awhile you will find peace in that you were/are a caring person. Right now, you have to grieve the death of your father. All these feeling you are experiencing right now are just feelings and they will pass.

Come here and express yourself. Those here are listening and understand about loss. I wish you well in your studies.

Anne

Thank you to both of you, I really appreciate it. I never thought of what was in my heart and I have apologized to my dad in my head but if he can see what is in my heart then I know for a fact he will understand.

And oh my gosh, writing a letter to him sounds like an amazing idea! This way, I can again apologize and let it go once its written down. I am so glad I came here and I thank you guys. I will definitely be sticking around.

[mfh]

[MartyT]

We're glad you came here, too, my dear, although we're so sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

As Mary suggested, learning what is normal in grief and reading how others respond to it can help so much, as doing so gives you ideas on what you might do to alleviate some of the distress you're feeling.

You may find this (including the related articles at the base) to be of interest: Guilt In The Wake of a Parent's Death ♥

[kayc]

I'm so sorry you lost your dad and I imagine it's hard to focus on school with all that's taken place.

My son just graduated from college, and as a parent, I would have felt terrible if I'd been the cause of him not making it through. I wanted him to concentrate on his schooling because it's so important to his future and I'm sure your dad felt the same way. The best tribute you can pay to your dad is by doing the best you can in school and beyond.

I'm sure your dad knew how much you love him. Sometimes my kids aren't always good at being here or telling me how they feel, but I know if I was gone it would feel devastating to them...that's just how it is. I'm so sorry your dad went so young and suffered so much, I'm sure he wanted to spare you. BTW, I just lost my mom a month ago and I understand all about feeling like you wish you'd have done more...

[sharirouse]

Im so glad I can get this off my chest and you guys really understand how I feel. Ive talked to people who have lost their parent years ago but since its so fresh, they cant relate completely. I read that article and I have to agree when it says confessing how I felt helps, especially since you all arent judging me because you are going through it too. Im starting to feel better about it but of course, I will always regret not calling him more, or not spending more time with him but at least now, I can see how important time with my mom is. Its just sad that my dad had to be the one to teach me that.

I had talked to someone at church and he reminded me that we cannot move in with all of our old/ill family members and cling to them, it just doesnt work that way and to be honest, I dont think my dad was around my grandparents when they died so I need to realize that it happens. I just feel awful. Not only that but I need to remind myself that even if I had been stuck to his side, I couldntve of changed the outcome. He was sick and there was nothing any of us could do.

I really appreciate you guys replying and KayC, i know for a fact he wanted to spare me, but what about him? And I know its not a question any of us can answer

School offers a little bit of relief but I did lose my mind there for a bit. Since I am in the medical degree classes, I feel like all my teachers like to talk about Livers and chemo and cancer. I sometimes think they planned it lol...

[kayc]

School is surely a reminder, but if you're going into the medical field, what better way to make something good of all you've been through. As a parent, I can see how sacrificial parents feel towards their kids, and it doesn't change when they're dying. I saw the look of concern on my mom's face the last time I saw her when she couldn't even talk any more...their heart is always toward their child, wanting what is best for them and that trumps how they're feeling. Their concern is toward YOU, not themselves.