My Dad's Funeral Was Yesterday

[Karen2424]

This is my first post here and I hope it will give me some relief.

My Dad passed away suddenly last Sunday the 28th. He was 87, would have been 88 in December. We (me, my 7 and 8 yr olds and my Mom) were going to go the pumpkin farm that day. My mom went to the store around 10 am and returned in about an hour. She walked in the back door to find him face down on the stone tile floor of the kitchen, his coffee cup still warm on the table. He was laying flat on his stomach with his arms straight down underneath him. He had cracked his head (which my mother said she could see) and was laying in a pool of blood on the floor. She of course was in a panic and called 911 but he was gone. She kept saying she shouldn't have left him alone. He was falling asleep a lot lately and a couple months ago fell out of the kitchen chair on to the same stone floor and cracked a couple ribs and also got a huge goose egg on his head. I was running late getting ready that day because my kids were acting up and a little after 1pm I saw I had missed calls on my phone from my brother in law. I didn't call him, but I called my mom's house. My sister picked up and said my dad passed away. When I got over there the state troopers were there and we waited for the funeral director to arrive. I did not see my dad on the floor but my mom looked again and completely broke down. I can only imagine what it looked like and I still play the scene over and over in my head. I am having the most problem with not knowing what actually happened. Did he have a heart attact? cardiac arrest? If he had not cracked his head on the floor would he have just passed out and woke up? Did he die before he fell and cracking his head did not matter? If my mom did not go to the store then would she have been able to save him or help him? Or would it have been worse if she was there to see him die? What if it happened while he was driving and we all died?

I had been doing alright up till after the funeral yesterday. I am not the type to show emotions in front of my family and managed to not cry during the whole day. We went to funeral home for a final viewing, the procession to the church (my 16 yr old was a paul bearer), the arrival at church with the bag pipe player playing beautiful irish songs as we brought dad in to the church, the church ceremony, the procession to the grave side, the military salute including 3 shots fired and the military officers folding the flag that was on the casket and presenting it to my mom on behalf of the president, and finally back to the church for a luncheon. It was a very long, tiring but beautiful day.

I usually took my kids over to Grandma's and Grandpa's every Sunday for playing and dinner and to do some laundry and run to the store myself while the kids played. My kids had been acting up for the past few weeks but this last Sunday we were there with Grandpa they were very good. We ended the day with them tossing the football in the front yard and Grandpa was sitting in a chair and got to see the great spirals my 7 yr old could throw over and over again. One of the kids thew a ball right over Grandpa's head too. We were all having a good time and I am so grateful my kids we good and having fun with Grandpa the last time they played with him. We waved goodbye from the car as driving away like we did every Sunday. I did not know it would be the last time we could do that. He wanted so much to make it to my kids high school graduation. He told me to get him there even if it was in a wheelchair. He would have been 99.

I am so sad. My mind just keeps going back to it all and all the memories. I have not been able to eat much. And I don't feel like doing anything even though I need to take care of my kids and go grocery shopping.

Thank you for letting me share.

[MartyT]

Karen, my dear, I am so sorry for your loss, and we all know how much this hurts. I know you will find solace here, and I'm grateful that you've found us.

Your description of your dad's funeral is beautiful, and how wonderful that you and your children have the memory of all those Sundays together with Grandpa.

You say you're not the type to show your emotions in front of your family, and if that's always been your style and your preference, it's not likely that you'll change it now ~ and that's okay as long as that works for you. We all have our own unique ways of experiencing grief and of managing the pain that goes with it. Still, you have your kids to consider, and I just hope that, for your own sake and for that of your children, you will permit the free expression of thoughts and feelings among yourselves. Maintaining a stoic attitude in front of your children implies that feelings are to be suppressed, and can even give your kids the impression that you don't care enough to mourn your father's death. On the other hand, reminiscing and talking openly about how much your dad meant to all of you can model to your children that it's okay to feel and express your pain. It gives them permission to share precious memories of their Grandpa and enables all of you to offer support to one another. You need that as a family, and you certainly do deserve it. ♥

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your dad. Your questioning/what ifs are common, but try not to drum up scenarios for what ifs. You do have some questions that any of us would have, such as, "Did he die instantly?". Unless there was an autopsy, I'm afraid there isn't any answer to that. Did he have a history of heart problems?

It sounds like you had a wonderful funeral! I'm so glad you have memories of the kids playing with their grandpa, I'm sure they won't forget either.

It's normal to not feel like doing anything when you've suffered a loss like this. It's good that you have kids, it'll force you to keep going. Be patient and understanding with yourself.

[mfh]

Karen, I am so sorry for your loss and how sudden and shocking it is. I do understand families that do not share tears and pain openly....I grew up in one and have worked with many who come from these families in my practice over the years. As Marty said so well, you have an opportunity now to change that for your own sake and the sake of your children. I won't repeat what she said but I do hope you will read it a couple of times. Teaching your children that sharing tears and pain as well as joy is human and an act of strength is something for you to consider...so if someday they lose someone close as they certainly will...they have you and others to go to with their pain.

You can feel free to share all your pain and shock here...it is a very safe place for that and we are glad you came here.

[Little Girl]

I am sorry for your loss. All the advice I have been given is to allow yourself to grieve. Your father's time came when it was suppose to. I understand exactly what you are going through, I too continue to replay times and moments over in my head, it is part of the grief process. Hopefully by writing it down in your post, you have found relief. Cry if you must, it is a release, at least for me. Big hugs...

[Karen2424]

MartyT thank you for your reply. Yes I have always struggled with showing emotion. It was really not done in family. We weren't hugging and saying I love you stuff. Although I wish it was different it is hard to change. My kids do see me sad and I tell them it is because of Grandpa being gone. My youngest son is real lovey and always gives me hugs. He is so helpful to me. Thank you again.

[Karen2424]

Thank you all for the posts. You all seem so kind here. I am glad I found this page.

Little Girl it is comforting to hear that you also replay the moments in your head. And some part of me knows it was his time to go. There have been lots of little things I can remember leading up to this that tell me the same thing. I have been thinking a lot about death lately over the past few months. My dad being 87 I knew he could die. He did have some health problems. He had a heart doctor and was taking Coumadin for irregular heartbeat, lung problems from years of smoking even though he quit 40 years ago, vertigo and dizzy spells. He was not physically ill the day he passed away though. He was in fact excited to go the pumpkin farm with the grandkids my mom said. Somedays I would be really sad at the thought of him passing. Even when a celebrity passed away a while ago I really took it to heart and felt like I was grieving for him for weeks even though I did not know him. I had constant thoughts of him when I went to sleep and woke and it made me really sad. Now, I think somehow I was practicing for my dad passing. It sounds weird to say that. My cat died about a year and a half ago and my dad buried her in his backyard for me. I had a dream the first night after he passed and Lily, my cat, was in it. I don't know if any of you believe in signs but I think she is there with him. I have had a few what I believe are signs over the past week and I don't know if it okay to share those here but I will if it is.

[enna]

Karen, I am so sorry for your loss. We do find our own way to express our grief. It sounds like you had wonderful times at those Sunday gatherings.

Thank you for sharing with us.

I just saw your post about signs ~ yes, many of us do believe in signs and it is perfectly okay to share here.

Anne

[MartyT]

As you come to know us here, dear Karen, you will find that we most certainly are open to the sorts of signs you mention, and we'd love to hear more about your experiences with them. See, for example, After-Death Communication: A List of Resources ♥

[Karen2424]

Thank you. I think I will share a few now.

There are three that I think are really strong signs

1. I seem to be seeing signs in the clouds a lot. I was at my kitchen sink after coming home Tue. from a stressful time of getting a top and sunglasses for the funeral and I was pretty distraught. I looked up (I have a lot of trees tops out my window being on the 2nd floor and can see some sky above them) and I noticed pretty clearly a horse head and the front leg bent like a race horse racing(my day did like watching horse racing) and I said out loud, Are you at the races? I looked to the left slightly and saw a human figure in a circle kind of like a cameo with head and shoulders, it developed wings and moved side to side as if to show them to me. I lifted my hand and waved saying Hi Dad and it formed a hand to wave back, then it turned into a smiley face, and then to my cats face, and then to the dog my dad had as a boy (I have seen in pictures) and then it was gone but I had an extremely calm feeling. I feel like he was letting me know he is an angel and he is alright.

2. Wed. at the sink again I looked out and saw a heart shaped cloud. (I have read that they are signs and have seen a few over the past days). I said, There you are Dad, and the strangest thing happened. it turned into angel wings. The one on the right was a perfectly shaped beautiful angel wing and I got chills through my whole body. I was a very surreal experience.

3. I have also read that pennies or dimes found are signs. I went to my kids school on Thur for the book fair. When I was leaving I thought about finding pennies or dimes and looked down at the ground. I thought of course I will not find any if I am looking. It was a beautiful sunny day with lots of fluffy clouds. I got in my car, shut the door and looked to the left and this shiny circle caught my eye. I could not tell if it was a coin or piece of metal. I thought to myself you have got to be kidding me, is this a sign? I opened the door and got out and found a penny heads up. I knew this has to be a sign.

I'm sure I will have more to share over the days. Thank you all.

[MartyT]

Oh, Karen, these are wonderful! Just warms my heart! How very special for you! Thanks so much for sharing! ♥

[mfh]

Karen, I am so glad you are sharing your signs. I have had many since Bill died and many believe that dreams are visitations....which I love to think about.

[Karen2424]

Thank you

[kayc]

The signs are very comforting, I esp. like the one that your cat is with him, that is so cool!

[Karen2424]

It is so strange to see them, but I really do see them. My cat was in a dream also. I believe I have seen an angel once before too. In the sky and all sound vanishes and overwhelming calm feelings. That was after I left the house because of a fight with my kids dad a few years ago. You can't look for them, they just find you.