It Was One Week Ago Today

[Karen2424]

I have been having lots of different feelings. I hate taking a shower because I always end up crying. I get angry when I am thinking of my dad and my kids run in being loud and so I yell at them to stop and get really mad. I feel like all I have is my thoughts. Last night I started thinking of how I needs someone in my life to take care of me, like a boyfriend/husband. I have been w/o a partner for about 4 years. I live with just my 3 kids and have enjoyed not having to take care of a man too. My relationship with my 2 youngest kids father was not healthy and made me not want to be with someone. Now I think I am ready to get back in the relationship game. My kids dad does not see them either and I think not that my dad has passed I really want them to have male role model.

Today is a beautiful day. Just the same as last Sunday when my dad passed. I will be going over to my parents house with my kids today just like every past Sunday. It will be really hard without my dad there.

[kayc]

I can understand your wanting someone in your life now that your dad has passed...just take it real slow as when we're grieving we don't always see clearly. I remarried 1 1/2 years after my husband died and it was a horror story, I don't wish that on anyone. I realize it wouldn't have happened had I not been vulnerable and if I'd been in my right mind. So go slow and get feedback from family/friends. Good luck!

[mfh]

Karen, it is easy to flare into anger when we are newly bereaved. Loss is sort of like the universe has attacked us and we are vulnerable and that means on guard. So when someone says the wrong thing (something that on another occasion would not bother us) we become hypersensitive and react to it....frequently with anger. It is all part of the journey.

I hope today is a day of sharing and support for you.

[MartyT]

Yes, Karen, as Mary says, such angry flare-ups are completely normal and totally understandable. When this happens with your kids, though, I would encourage you (once you realize what just happened) to apologize to them and to explain that what you're really mad about is the fact that your father (their grandpa) died. That not only takes them off the hook (for whatever they think they did or failed to do that made you angry), it also conveys to them that when you're mourning the loss of someone dearly loved, it generates all sorts of conflicting feelings and reactions, and it's okay to express them, and then discuss them openly among yourselves so that as a family, you all can come to a better understanding of them and work your way through them ~ together. ♥

You might find this article to be helpful: Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief?

[Karen2424]

Thank you all for the replies. I did read that article Marty. I am really feeling a lot of those reasons for being angry. Especially when I see an older man I think my be my Dad's age and I wonder why he is still alive and able to be with his family and my Dad is not. It's so hard. My Mom was telling me again how she found my Dad and she is still wondering what happened. She mentioned talking to Dad's Dr. and questioning him about Dad's heart and if it was worse than they let her believe. It is so hard when you don't know why he died and what happened and if he would have lived had he not cracked his head on the floor. I will also be thinking of this for a long time I think. It is the hardest part. Not knowing. This is not the road I wanted to be going down right now as I am sure no one wants to when it happens. My father was such a wonderful person and accomplished so much in his life. He was a teacher for 27 years and so many of his past students say how he was the best teacher at school and how many wonderful memories they have from his drafting classes and driver education classes. I of course did not appreciate it that my father was in the same high school as me and I could never get away with anything! Now I wish I could go back and do a lot over but the past is past. My Dad was so liked by everyone, even the dental hygienist he saw came to the calling hours. How many times does that happen?? I'm so sad for my Mom too. They were married for 50 years just this past June. They did so much together and had so many good times. She say's she is walking around the house talking and no one is there. She says she thinks he is in the room but looks around and he is not. His things are still around the house like his shoes and pants hanging up in the bathroom. My Mom gave me a little envelope of some things he was saving from my kids like card and pictures. They are so sweet to see. Thanks for listening.

[kayc]

You and your mom are really going through it and I can relate. We lost my dad 33 years ago, my husband nine years ago, and my mom 1 1/2 months ago. Everything you are talking about, I've been through. You live through it but your life is never like it was "before". It helped me keep my dad alive by sharing memories with my kids and mom and sisters. With my husband, I talk with my sisters and kids once in a while but I live alone so there isn't so much contact. It's really important not to lash out at your kids, but like Marty said, be open with them about what you're going through. They'll understand if they see you cry but might personalize if you yell at them.

I still have my husband's robe hanging up on the closet door. It's whatever brings you comfort.

[Karen2424]

That is so sweet to have his robe hanging on the door. It warmed my heart to read that. My Mom is alone now and I worry about her. She has good neighbors though and I live about 15 min away, my sister and her husband 25 min away. My sisters daughter (the only granddaughter) has been staying overnight and will be back this Friday from college to stay again. It's just so hard. I stopped at the grocery store today and when leaving caught out of the corner of my eye a man in a jacket like my Dad had. I think I gasped when I saw it thinking it was him. And the nurse called from school today and said my 7 year old hit his head, I could feel the panic take over my body because I was thinking of my Dad falling and hitting his head. It was like seeing a car wreck after you've been in one. Not a great feeling...it really scared me.

[mfh]

Karen, My husband died 4 years ago and many of his things are here including his jacket hanging on the back of the bedroom door and other things he used on a daily basis. We eventually come to terms with our beloved's possessions but many keep some of them around because having them around us is comforting.

It is normal for your mom to think your dad is there physically.They have been together for many years. I still forget momentarily once in a great while and think Bill will be there when I get home....and then I remember. Your mom (and you) may do this too. It is lovely that your mom has you so close and your sister also.

One day at a time. Your dad sounds like a wonderful person.

[Karen2424]

Thank you Mary. Yes he was wonderful. I wish in hindsight that I appreciated him more and did not do some of the things I did as a kid. I guess that is normal though.

I went back to work today for the first time since he passed. I have a job doing data entry so we don't talk to anyone while working and boy oh boy was that hard! I have an ipod to listen to podcasts but sitting with just my thoughts is so hard. I only told two people there about my Dad passing. I work as a temp along with other temps so this work site does not treat us like their actual employees so we kind of have to just keep quite and work. The hours lately have been cut down a lot and when I told my Dad about it a few weeks ago he told me it sounds like it's time to find a new job. I think I need to listen to his advice and start looking.

I also talked to my Mom today (I call every day now to see how she is) and she told me of an experience she had. I was so excited to hear it. It was later in the afternoon and the sun was out. She sat on the patio and was kind of falling asleep or like half awake and was startled by a figure of my father either running or flying by her. I have read of these visitations in twilight sleep and what she explained sounded like it. I have not had any signs lately and was happy to hear my Dad was near her.

My Mom also has asked me a few times if Dad knew or felt like he would pass soon. He had his own obituary already written out which he did last winter. He told my Mom not to let anyone pressure her into doing anything she didn't want to after he passed like buying or selling something. He had told her things he wanted regarding the headstone. Maybe older people just talk about these things or maybe my Dad was just super organized but it seems strange some of the things he told her.

Thanks for listening.

[kayc]

You're right, some older people do talk about these things, and I'd encourage younger people to also, esp. if they're married, so the other person knows their wishes and what to do, it takes a lot of the heat off the decision making when the time comes.

I'm glad your mom got a "visitation", I've never had anything like that but some do seem to get them.

I wish you well on your job hunt and just being able to hold it together at work, it's hard when you're not at a real supportive place of work.