I Wont Let Myself Grieve Over My Dad

[sharirouse]

I apologize for all of my recent posts, my mind just loves to race at night.

I do cry over my dad and cry when I need to and all of that stuff internally but Im having issues letting myself do it publicly.

Im afraid of making people feel awkward or placing my burden on them. and its getting to the point where I almost feel like I am doing the whole "woe is me" thing but holy crap Im sad! I still feel lost and empty. I know its only been a month and its going to be hard but what is wrong with me?

My brother and I got into an argument after my dad passed, long story short he only started talking to my dad when he found out he had cancer and didnt even know I existed, but anyway, he almost tried to one up me and made me feel like my pain wasnt justified even though I was there for the passing.

How do i get passed this? I have started telling myself aloud that my dad is gone. I needed to do that with his cancer but i never did so I am doing it now but how do I allow myself to be as sad as I need to be? I wanted to scream and shout and hit things when my dad passed but I never let myself because I almost felt like it wasnt acceptable. What is this?

[kayc]

No apologies necessary for your posts! You are sharing how you feel and all of that is valid!

As far as your brother goes, family stuff can get really touchy when suffering loss, everyone is hyper sensitive and we all grieve different but when we're grieving we usually only see our own situation. Your brother probably had some issues with your dad or maybe was just naturally busy with his life, not thinking about his dad ever being gone and suddenly he finds out he has cancer, and naturally he's going to want to talk with him and connect...it is then that we lay everything aside and want to get our priorities in order...cancer has a way of slapping us with what our priorities should be. I'm sorry he was insensitive to you in the process, I've found sometimes we have to overlook whatever happened around the passing and determine not to let it affect our overall relationship. I had some things happen with my sister too when my mom died, it's not nice, but we have to try and get past it...sometimes people are just their unloveliest and most insensitive at those times.

There isn't a "certain sadness level" you "need to be", just allow yourself to feel/experience what you do. There are some exercises you could do to help you experience/express your grief such as writing your dad a letter and telling him how you feel about him, using art as a form to express how you feel, some even use music if they are gifted that way, or write poetry. Some sew a quilt out of their clothes. Use your imagination, whatever feels most apt to you.

It seems you feel you didn't "properly grieve" right when you learned he had cancer. Try to let go of the notion that there's a "proper way" to do it...all of us are different. You let yourself experience the grief once it did sink in, that's the main thing.

[MartyT]

My dear, you said,

How do i get passed this? I have started telling myself aloud that my dad is gone. I needed to do that with his cancer but i never did so I am doing it now but how do I allow myself to be as sad as I need to be? I wanted to scream and shout and hit things when my dad passed but I never let myself because I almost felt like it wasnt acceptable. What is this?

First of all, if you want to deal with grief effectively, you won't think of it as something you must get past, but rather as something you will learn to get through. It is a learning process, and it takes place over time.

And you allow yourself to be as sad as you need to be by finding the time and space (as Kay says) to experience/express your grief. See, for example, Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief and Finding Crying Time in Grief.

If you feel the need to scream and shout and hit things, then find a safe place to do just that! Sitting alone in a parked car away from other drivers can be a safe, soundproof place where no one can hear you scream. Beating on a pillow with your fists can be a great way to discharge some of that energy.

Finally, you ask, What is this? It is sheer, raw grief, my friend, and you are looking straight in the face of it. Good for you.

[kayc]

When I mentioned getting past it I was referring to what my sister said to me when my mom died, not the actual grieving process, I just wanted to clarify that in case that wasn't clear.

[sharirouse]

Im just having a personal issue with my brother right now because I feel like I am grieving alone. But l agree that I do just need to move passed it and honestly, I cant deal with other peoples issues right now and if he's having issues with my dad, those are his and his alone.

Im actually relieved to hear that I am in the face of grief! I have been forcing myself to deal with it in different ways, its like having an infected wound and finally digging into it and cleaning that sucker out. sorry if that is gross but i am getting a medical degree LOL. I cleaned out his closet today and I had been dreading it and it helped.

I really loved those articles and I went digging a little deeper and found some things that really struck a cord with me. I do need to "just be." Focus on myself and do what I need to do. I need to take care of myself and go through all the motions! I think I will be open about it if I need it and i have a punching bag at his house and i think i want to beat the crap out of it.

Im going to write a letter to him and im going to write one about him just for me. I found a video on my phone and he was talking in the background and i think ill listen to it. it hurts but it helps. I finally got to see his ashes and i think that helped. I havent cried since I saw them and have been cleaning out his house but there was a quote on something I just read and tears come out in different areas and ways.

i think i will try painting or something more creative than writing just for fun. i found that my dad had a beautiful film camera and i think im going to start messing with it!

[kayc]

All of your plans sound great and in the right direction. I had to laugh at the punching bag, been there!

[sharirouse]

does hitting things actually help? I want to go visit it tomorrow alone so i can go scream and shout lol but i have to dig up all the aggressive emotions again! i was so mad the other day though lol my car battery died and i was alone and no one would help me and i was mad i couldnt call him so he could help me lol my mom told me that i could call my stepdad any time but hes not my daddy lol i dont mean that in a bad way but i wanted my dad!

[Jenjen2]

I just wanted to say you are being so strong

I lost my dad 5 months ago and I 'got through it' by ignoring my emotions and my grief I still find it hard to put myself first and do what I need to do and I think it's making it worse you need to do what's right for you sometimes

Jen

[sharirouse]

Thank you Jen! But I really dont think Im being strong lol I cry all the time at night. I hid from the grief the entire time he was sick and now its time for me to deal with it because I cant stay in my bed forever, even though I want to. The one thing that helps me that may help you is remember that your dad wouldnt want you to stay sad. Go out and make him proud! Do fun things and ask him to come with. I do that

Im also a night crier because I dont like to do it in public. Sometimes I have to but make time to be sad. I read that in an article and I like it! Allow it to come out and you will feel so much better!

[MartyT]

Jen and Shari, a post that appears in today's edition of the What's Your Grief? blog may be of interest to you, as it features the challenges faced by a young woman whose father died a year ago: 13 Questions With a WYG Reader: Roni and Ron