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Being Overwhelmed Most Of The Time


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I lost my husband of 38 years five weeks ago. I have lost my best friend, my rock, my strength. Each day I am overwhelmed trying to deal with daily tasks. I returned to my part time job but feel useless. I get in the car but when I am driving I forget where I was going. I am so disappointed with myself. I used to be such a strong person. Now I can barely make a decision. I also find it exhausting putting on a happy face until I get home. Any encouraging words would help.

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Dear Shalady,

I am so very sorry to hear of your terrible loss of your husband, best friend, rock, and strength. I lost my Doug almost 33 months ago, and I remember those days of being so overwhelmed, in such a fog of grief, that I could not drive at all. I remember the first time I was able to get in the car and drive a short distance, and I was so proud of myself, and truly amazed that the world did not end.

Do you have family nearby? Do you have a grief support group (other than us, and we welcome you here. I know more people will be along soon to send loving compassion and caring to you.) or some close friends?

If you would like, and when you feel like it, you can tell us a bit more about your husband.

But for now, you are in survival mode. Truly. You must take care of yourself. Eat healthy foods. Stay hydrated. Get enough sleep, and take time to rest, meditate, and write in your journal. Your whole life has been thrown out of balance, because half you your life is missing. It takes time to find enough balance to do much of anything.

Take good care of yourself, know that in time, it gets easier, and that we are here to listen, console and give comfort, and to share this journey with you.

I am glad you found this wonderful place, but I am so very sorry for the reason you are here. I hope today you can find a little peace for your heart, and a little comfort in knowing that everyone here will hold you and help you through this time of painful grief, fog, and confusion.

Blessings,

feralfae

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Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I too am sorry for your loss. My family is far away but I am grateful to have some wonderful friends. I keep the happy face most of the time for them but have my moments when I just can't bear to. I stay away a lot because I'm not sure they understand how devastated I really feel. I know I can come here and read other's feelings and get comfort.

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After spending your lifetime with your husband, it's no wonder you are feeling this way. It's a huge shock to the system! We do better eventually at coping, but what an adjustment meanwhile! I hope you will continue to come here, there are many recent losses here. I'm so sorry you lost your husband. I lost mine nine years ago, we're all in different stages, surviving together.

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I am so sorry for your loss. Welcome to our site, a place of support, comfort, non-judgment and caring. I am glad you are here but sad for your loss. You asked for "any encouragine words" and I think the most encouraging thing I can say to you is that you will make it. Many here, including myself, have lost our soulmate/husband/partner and I will be bold enough to say we all wondered how we could ever survive. We are all surviving and working towards thriving and you can also. It takes much patience with the process which is just what grief is-a process that demands attention every day and in these early days it demands attention every minute. I hope you have one or two supportive friends to walk with you through this and we are all here for and with you.

As for being strong or weak, I understand how weak you feel. I felt that way also when my Bill died. But you get up each day, you go to work, you hold it together while you are out there in our grief phobic society. I call that outstanding strength. Your strength is now being re-directed to dealing with the hardest thing you probably have been called to deal with.

I urge you to educate yourself by going to the articles string > and other strings here to gather information about grief itself and about how various members deal with it and have dealt with it. Keep a journal or write letters to your beloved to drain off some of the pain. Cry. The tears of grief are chemically different than other tears and they help heal and tears release the build up of pain and sadness. Do something for yourself each day: bubble bath, good food, long walks, water, etc. And do consider returning here where understanding people have created a "tribe" of support.

Peace to your broken heart, Mary

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I hear and feel your pain too shadylady. Today is a strange day. My sister in law has taken herself off for the day. It's not a week after my husbands funeral. I feel a very heavy weight in and on my chest. I'm alone for the first day. And yet I have a huge amount of things scheduled for the day and evening. My pain is a 9 out of 10 in my chest. Panic!

I will get myself ready to go out and do the things I need to. How I do it I don't know. The pain is huge. I want it to go away. I wish I could give you the comfort you need and take your pain away. I have trouble in concentrating and functioning. I feel like I'm fraying.

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I am so sorry for your loss.. I am new to this also, my husband passed away five weeks ago. Today was very difficult. I went to see some aides that helped take care of my husband. I totally lost it. This seems to be a process we have to go through. I find music seems to soothe me a little. Try to find something you enjoy to help you relax. I found we can come here anytime for comfort from those who have been through this journey as well. I wish you peace and comfort.

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Dear Shalady,

I am sorry you had such a difficult day seeing some of the aides who helped your husband. As strange as it may sound, being able to sob with people who cared for him is something to treasure and is healing. I am still in contact with Bill's caregiver's (those who came in at home and helped me a couple of times a week). I find being in contact with them does indeed bring forth tears but is also consoling because they knew him and knew what he and I went through.

It is indeed a process and one that goes on forever but with work and time, becomes a quiet part of you. I am glad you are soothed by music. You might check the Meditation string in the Tools forum also. Yes, we are always here for you.

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Shalady, I am so very sorry for your loss. I totally get the being so overwhelmed, for the first few months after Mike died, I felt very much out of control. It will be soon five years, in January, and I will tell you that you will get better. The grief does not go away, but you will find yourself able to deal with things better and better, slowly, but it will happen. You will find much good advice, or just willing ears to listen to you here on this site. I have been coming here since a couple of months after Mike died in 2010, and this place has become a warm caring refuge for me. For all of us, I think. So sorry for the reason that you joined us, but know that we have your back.

QMary

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Shalady,

I am so very sorry that you have lost your wonderful husband. It has been 33 months since I lost Doug, and I still have days when the grief is present and palpable. But life does get easier, the pain lessens, and most days are filled with peace, some joy, and opportunities.

I have been coming here for almost two years, having spent the first year in a true fog. Because of the wonderful, loving support and wise words I find here, I have been able to heal and cope better with this change in my life and being. It takes a while, and it is different for each of us, but you will make it.

This is a safe place to vent, to voice your sorrow, to share your grief, and to find wisdom and compassion to help you begin to heal.

We are here for you.

Blessings,

fae

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A very close friend told me about this site . She lost her husband and was able to find comfort here too. I am so glad I took her advice. Everyone shares so much compassion. It is a great comfort when we are trying to cope with such unbelievable sadness. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. Thank you for listening and sharing.

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shalady,

I'm glad your friend told you about this site too. I hope you and she are able to share with each other, it really helps. I had a friend I could share with but she is getting married and moving away now and has been gone most of the year with her new BF. I know I will miss our times together.

Perhaps you could start your own thread and tell us a little bit about you and your husband. When I joined this site nine years ago, the threads were more topical, but now people seem to have their own threads, I never have but it would have been nice...a place where people can go and find you.

I hope you continue to come here, we all walk this journey together, as often or little as you like.

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I was having a good day and somehow got turned around in the evening and the floodgates opened again. I can't believe I cry each and every day. I feel so weak and wish I could be stronger. My husband was a Navy man. I am in the process of making arrangements for burial at sea. They let you choose from several ports so I have chosen Norfolk which is where he was first and longest stationed. I know he would be very pleased. He was very patriotic and loved his country. I am trying to find various ways in which to honor his time here. I miss him so very much.

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How special to be buried at sea, what an honor! The missing part never goes away but we do learn to cope and adjust better, this is still so raw for you though.

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I hear you too, as most of us do. It's my husbands birthday's today. I have a huge amount of trees in my back yard and now it's fall. I did mention to some of the people that offered their help, that the leaves will need to be picked up. That was the only thing I could think of at the time.

Low and behold, four of his co workers turned up out of the blue to clean up. It took a fraction of the time to sort the back yard out and all was done. This is not a week after his funeral. Now I no that all these things do tend to fall by the way side, as time goes by but I'm trying hard to keep all doors open at this point. It's hard to do because all I want to do is hide away., curl up and not go out, pretend nothing has happened and the hurt in my chest is not really there. The empty space on the other side of the bed is a fact of shift work and not permanent. The soreness in my throat is not a lump that wants to turn into tears. Oh I can think if so many excuses and sometimes they work. I'm going to take every oppertunity and invitation when it comes my way. I've been told after 5 weeks people begin to stop asking and calling. This is a challenge to see if the na sayers are right.

Not only am I hurting, as you are Shalady, going through all sorts of emotions and fears but we have to start thinking of our 'new' future with all those emotions happening at the same time. I hate it. But I'm not going to give in. I won't.

I'm taking each day as it comes.

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I am so sorry you had to go thru a birthday, especially so soon after. I can only imagine that hurt. It was so nice the people cleaned up the leaves. There are so many kind people willing to help. Like you my heart aches. I too wonder how I face tomorrow without him. I too have the attitude of just one day at a time. It is wonderful to have this place to share feelings with so many experiencing this journey. I have learned so much and will continue to come here for comfort and understanding. I hope you do too. I wish you peace and comfort.

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Elly,

I am glad his coworkers showed up to help you today. This is their tribute to him and their way of giving back, and I'm so glad you let them and gave them that opportunity. I had many who said "If you ever need anything..." but they disappeared, did not even answer the phone or return calls. I know it gets awkward, but really?

To face your husband's birthday so soon...that has to be hard. My husband's birthday was five days before he died. When I came home from the hospital, the night he died, his birthday banner was still up. I don't remember taking it down.

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I hope you are doing better today. I know how difficult it is to cope with the loneliness. I try to fill some of the time by reading and taking walks with the dog. Of course there is always a pile of paperwork on the table. I get to it a little at a time. I turned down another dinner invitation with friends tonight. I had a late lunch and could not eat again but mostly I was just not up to it. I love their company but can't focus well. I hope they don't give up on me by stopping to ask me. Do you have any interests you enjoy? I find music helps me. Sometimes it makes me cry but that is ok. Remember our lives will never be the same, how could they be. I guess at some point we will begin a new way of life. For right now it is just one day or maybe one hour at a time.

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Yes Shalady, music does help if only to break the silence in the house. I have many interests but I'm unable to focus on them. My insides seem to vibrate and pound. My hands shake and I seem to go from one task to another. I've tried to be very conscious of not letting an invitation slip by. The winter months are long here in Canada. I love life and find this a huge hurdle.

Question, Has anyone tried grief counselling and how did that work for you? I have the option to try this.

I've read here a few things that trouble me. ' let myself cry' how can I do that. I get frustrated with myself, the crying won't come. I get tearful, well up need to blow my nose, that's as far as it gets. The other things is. I know it to be true but when I read 'our lives will never be the same' it feels like someone has just stabbed me in the heart again, it's realizing this is permanent. Here to stay. I can't take this hurt much longer. I wish everyone here the peace and love I felt before this happened, not this constant fear of a long life ahead single.

I want to feel protected, cuddled, told I'm loved again. My husband was so good and breaking down my walls and showing me how true love felt. Now I wish I could re build those walls to protect my heart.

Gosh I feel and sound like a ten year old being told I can't have ice cream because I didn't eat all my dinner.

Elly

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Dear Elly

I have had the tears problem, by which I mean despite the depth of my loss (as deep as the world) I find it difficult to cry. I fear it because when I used to cry my Pete was always there to comfort me. I've been told on this very forum that no one cries for ever and that it's healing but still the tears don't come often. And yet my grief is just as deep.. It may be the same for you. You fear the sobs, the total letting go. I hope you can do that because as I say I'm told it's sort of healing (so far as anything can ever heal us). As we keep saying, take care of yourself. At this stage you can't do much more. Take one day at a time. Jan

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I am so sorry for your pain.. I agree that you just take one day at a time, even one hour at a time. This is the hardest thing we have ever gone thru. Do not put pressure on yourself about crying. The tears will come. Although everyone faces the same challenges in this grief journey we all handle it individually. There is no right or wrong. Some days are better than others. I have not gone to grief counseling but have been thinking about trying it. It can't hurt. I won't know unless I try. Something to consider. Just try not to pressure yourself right now. Take care of you, eat, drink water and take a nap if you can or at least rest. This is exhausting. I have been in the house two days just because I am tired. I will make myself go out today, I will do that for me. I so wish you a better day today. I hope you find some peace and comfort knowing we are listening and we do understand.

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Elly57,

I have had a grief counselor since shortly after I lost my husband Doug. She has been a wonderful help, and although I see her now maybe every three to six months for an hour, during the first year and longer, she really helped me to focus, let myself cry, grieve, heal, and find out that there was a good possibility that I was going to make it somehow without Doug.

I highly recommend grief counselors to anyone who has been through a major loss. Grief counselors are trained to help to guide us through our days of deep grief and pain. Marty or Mary will have more suggestions for you on how to find a grief counselor and I think they also have information on what you can expect and what you should look for in a grief counselor. They are not like other counselors.

I think the constant fear of looking forward is very common for all of us the first many months or year or more. Timelines differ for each of us. For more than the first year, due to complications in my case, I was fearful of so many things, and without Doug here to protect and comfort me, I felt that no matter what I did, life was going to be a nightmare forever. But it was not forever,; it was just for a long time.

I have only recently, with the help of a very good trauma counselor, been able to forgive myself for not saving Doug, for not being able to protect him from medical mistakes and a treacherous family. We cannot do it all, and some things, we cannot do even a little bit.

What we can do is honor our grief, give room and time for the tears, and reach out tooters for comfort and assistance. There are also grief support groups in many areas and towns. Your grief counselor, when you find one, may be able to put you in touch with a grief support group.

Honor your pain and loss. Give yourself all the compassion you can. Maybe set aside a couple hours each day to cry, journal, let yourself honor the pain and grief, and know that this is a part of loving as well. When we love so very deeply and totally, we must go through the pain of the loss when our Beloved is no longer with us in their physical body. It is so hard, and it hurts so very much, but we can live through it. Here, you will find those of us who have made it this far. it has been almost 33 months since Doug escaped his cancer-riddled body after a struggle of more than three years against the cancer. I find that even thinking about his leaving is bringing tears now. I am still buying tissues by the case these days, although I am not using them at such a fast rate as I did the first year and longer.

I am in Montana, and the winters here are long, but not as dark as Canada. Come here often, and we will make it through the winter together. Come here and share with us, and we will listen and comfort you as best we can.

Blessings

fae

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