Being Overwhelmed Most Of The Time

[kayc]

I never really worried about the tears...I cried so much in the beginning that it came as a relief when the tears ceased. Still they come every now and then like floodgates opening for release. If they come, do not stop them, let them flow. When they don't come, don't worry about it. Tears are not a measurement of our loss or our grief. We can miss them internally just as much, perhaps more, than externally. Tears are for US, not for them, they are a way of releasing what is inside, but it will come in due time.

There is so much material here, Marty has posted some links for you and there is so much material here, there's something to cover everything to do with loss I think! I hope it is a help to you, it sure has been to all of us!

[kayc]

After reading the article Marty posted, I can see how simplistic my response was to you...the article really does cover it much better, my post was just of my own experience...there are so many different responses one can have.

[Elly57]

Thank you Marty. I will check them out. I'm sure you will have posted them before however I'm grateful and I hope on behalf of others that are just reading and not posting here, they too will find support in the material you have shared. It's not all about me here ( although it is at home) but it's about all of us here.

Thank you again.

FYI .....I'll keep posting if you keep replying....thank you.

[MartyT]

You are most welcome, Elly ~

And Kay, I hope you know that posting from your own experience is always welcome, here ~ That's what makes this site so special. We all come from different backgrounds, different experiences, different perspectives ~ and we all have something of value to contribute. ♥

[mfh]

Elly, Just to let you know that even after doing therapy and grief counseling for 40 years, when Bill (my husband) died just over 4 years ago, I saw a grief counselor for several months and joined a Hospice spousal loss support group. Both helped me and I urge anyone who is grieving to try counseling if they are so inclined or if they are struggling with grief in any way....

[ohsosad]

shalady,

You've said a couple of times that you feel weak and wish you were stronger, but it's only been 6 weeks!! You are being too hard on yourself!

Rita

[shalady]

I know, you are right. I am so used to being a nurturer and being strong. This is just shattering. I can't wrap my brain around this or process it. I think I may need to look into counseling, although I find coming to this site and reading others' experiences very validating and comforting. Days can pass and I've accomplished nothing. I cry a lot. I talk to him. I miss him so much. I can't imagine long term without him, alone without him. Thanks for listening...

[kayc]

I can barely remember six weeks out, I was frantic, scared, anxious, hurting, out of my mind! It was a very hard time and most of it is a blur. Just getting through this is quite a feat, I think we need to give ourselves pats on the back regularly for making it.

[Elly57]

Shalady.......we shall do this together......I'm three weeks on and still going. With the help and support we both get here is amazing. I wen to my first grief counsellor yesterday. And quite honesty I don't know how it went. I sat for an hour and spoke. That's all I can say. One thing I did come away with was, a problem I was having trouble with (stepchildren of 31) was clear to me when I said it out load. Who'd a thought! That was a weight off my shoulders.

I'm also going to a hospice support group next Wednesday. This is where my husband passed too. It's an amazing place. So peaceful and supportive there. I have asked them if I can just drop in sometimes for a tea or coffee. It feels like I'm closer to my husband there. They were all very upset at my husbands passing as he was relatively young, active fit man of 58. He played hockey and baseball and enjoyed very active pursuits. I makes me feel better that ores are having difficulty with his passing so I'm not on my own in this.

Shalady .......we will both do this, along with others at this site. You are not alone, even though we feel we are.

[shalady]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. The thought of a support group is sounding more like something I need to do. Anything that might help at this point. I have lost a sister and both my parents as well as many friends and relatives. This loss is unlike anything. You never understand until you experience it. I am so sorry for all that are here but so grateful we can be here for each other.

[Wifflesnook]

Sha lady

We 'old hands' know how helpful it is just to be able to share. You are still so early in grief. Like others have said you may hardly remember much from this period. I certainly don't, even though I was supporting our daughter, a single mother, with her new baby whilst grieving. I seem to have put down no memories of those early months and have no desire to revisit them. It's still hard but one thing I know is that sharing with someone who has experienced this awful loss does help. We are walking with you.

[mfh]

Shalady,

I am glad you are considering a support group at the appropriate time or individual counseling. As helpful as this group is and will continue to be, sitting in a circle of people face to face has its own benefits that I hope you will explore for yourself. Typically it is recommended that you become a part of a support group after the third month and consider individual counseling before (and after) that time.

I think in these early weeks it feels as if the pain of loss will just crush us and be with us forever. In time we learn how to live with it and incorporate our loss into our lives. We learn that the pain will come and go instead of having a constant and excruciating presence in our days. And we learn that we can do this journey and grow as a result of it. None of this is what any of us wanted but when it comes into our lives, we do the best we can without judging ourselves and with great patience. Peace to your heart, Mary

[annew]

Hello, everyone. I was just told about this site and am so glad to hear of it. I lost my dear husband of 25 years last November and the grief has become gut wrenching again. Feels like it happened yesterday. I don't know if I can do this and I am in so much fear. He was my whole sense of safety in the world. Friends and family are not there so much and I do go to a group now but it is only twice a month. I am so lost without him, was only 52. I never knew anything could feel like this.

AnneW

[MartyT]

My dear, Anne. I'm so sorry to learn of the unexpected death of your husband, and sorry to think that is the reason that brought you here ~ But it's good to know that you've found your way to this warm and caring place, and I hope you can feel our arms wrapped around you as we gently hold your broken heart. We will not let you walk this way alone. Welcome. ♥

[ohsosad]

AnneW,

It's been 4 months for me and I seem to be getting more and more fearful--so afraid of the years ahead without my husband. With no children I feel so alone.

As far as support groups go, I wish there were one in my area for widow/widowers only. The one group I tried had no one who had lost a spouse - there was a couple whose daughter had died, and a woman whose brother had died. That was it. They all talked alot and I wasn't able to say a word, not that I really wanted to. I came away wishing I could be with people who had lost their spouse -- because it really is so devastating, and people who haven't experienced it don't get how hard it is. Not saying that losing a child isn't awful!! I just didn't feel like I was with the right people.

It's all so awful.

Rita

[mfh]

Dear Anne,

I am so sorry to learn of your loss. I totally understand the gut wrenching pain. I lost my husband of 25 years also. That was four years ago. I thought I would feel that gut wrenching pain for the rest of my life but with patience (lots of it), sharing with those who are there for us, reading and educating ourselves about the grief process....the gut wrenching pain subsides slowly. This is a long journey. The tsunamis of grief become smaller waves with more distance between them. Some eventually just wash gently past our feet. But the waves do come. But these early months are so very difficult. The bottom falls out of your life and what was normal disappears for the most part. People do disappear also as they go on with life and at four months the fog begins to lift for many and the pain seems to increase.

You said you see fear increasing and I wonder if you can share more about the fear/s you see increasing. I do understand how your husband was your sense of safety. I get that. My husband was my home...a soft place to fall and always there for me. Adjusting to life without these special ones is very difficult....I know.

You mentioned your support group that lacks others who are walking this special journey of spousal loss. Our local Hospice (well, 35 miles away is local when you live in a rural area) offered a spousal loss group that met 6 times. I found it helpful because in spite of doing therapy for many years, this loss of my husband was unlike anything I had experienced, the worst day of my life, and being with those who lost their spouses (as you can do here also) was incredibly helpful. You might contact your local Hospice, if there is one, and see what groups they run and if there is one for spousal loss. I know you will feel you were with like minded people. You might also consider individual grief counseling which I also did...having a time each week or twice a week to have the undivided attention of a good grief counselor is worth its weight in gold...

In the meantime, first and foremost, take good care of yourself. The temptation is to eat poorly if at all and not sleep well. I urge you to do the opposite...eat nutritious food, walk, and drink water. I also urge you to read about grief and educate yourself about spousal loss. Coming here and reading the posts in the Spousal Loss forum will educate you a lot as the posts both by members and moderators are filled with helpful information. Also look at the Tools forum and the meditation topic there as well as other topics there.

Do feel free to share your pain, any details you wish to share, photos, stories and vents. We are here for you and all of us who have lost spouses "get it". I am glad you found us. Do return.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[shalady]

Thank you Mary. Can you guide me where to find a counselor. Hospice chaplain said he would mail me list of groups. You suggested a counselor fight now. I wanted to share I put my husbands handicap scooter in storage today, that was another final in my eyes. Then hospice brought 3 teddy bears. They took his favorite flannel tee-shirts and made 2 bears and another bear from his favorite Labrador retriever t-shirt. It really hit hard. So heart wrenching but I'm sure it will turn to comfort. Will take picture and post it

[Elly57]

I too am going to have a memory bear made for each of the four children out of my husbands clothing. I have bought the pattern and will make them myself. I feel this will be therapy for me to make them and it will be able to keep his clothing close by me too (oh yes one for me too) this way I may be able to go though his clothing and be able to deal with that step of purging.

[shalady]

That's so nice you will make the bears. I had never heard about this. I have two from his favorite flannel shirt and one from a favorite tee shirt with Labrador retrievers. They put the little pocket on the chest and cut the dogs out of the back and put that attached to the arm. They did not wash the shirts so they have his scent. My husband had a service dog, black lab. I was able to keep him. He was all over the bears. I felt bad, he was remembering.

[Elly57]

It seems memory bears are getting more popular. My husband had work shirts with his name embroidered on them so they will be appliquéd on the chest. It's a traditional teddy bear pattern with lots of pieces this this gives me the chance to use lots of different pieces off clothing.

These can be made for babies clothes or for any memorable occasions. But this will be the one I shall make them for.

[annew]

Thank you all for your responses and loving care. The wound has calmed down some today.

[mfh]

Thank you Mary. Can you guide me where to find a counselor. Hospice chaplain said he would mail me list of groups. You suggested a counselor fight now. I wanted to share I put my husbands handicap scooter in storage today, that was another final in my eyes. Then hospice brought 3 teddy bears. They took his favorite flannel tee-shirts and made 2 bears and another bear from his favorite Labrador retriever t-shirt. It really hit hard. So heart wrenching but I'm sure it will turn to comfort. Will take picture and post it

I think getting a list from the Hospice chaplain is a very wise start. If that person has not sent it give him a call and ask him to email it to you or if you can pick it up. I did not mean you needed to rush into counseling but was trying to say that usually it is wiser to wait a few months for group support and start with individual counselling. See if you can get that list. Usually Hospice makes good referrals.

[kayc]

And we're all plugging for you. You can come here any time and voice your feelings, your hurt, your loneliness, your triumphs, there will be all of those and more.

[Elly57]

Please tell me this emotional and physical hurt will go away and this is all a dream? Lie to me today.

[mfh]

Dear Elly,

Believe me I would love to tell you this is all a dream. We all want to know that. I can't even tell you the pain will go completely away. What I can tell you is that the waves of grief come further apart over time; that most do not carry you out to that dark sea of pain and loss; and that we learn we will survive and eventually thrive and to carry our pain knowing the one we love is with us always. I can't lie to you...it wouldn't work, you know. May you find some moments of peace today.