Being Overwhelmed Most Of The Time

[shalady]

I work the front desk of a campground, check people in and out, answer phone. It was fun before my husband died but now I fake happy and it wears me out. Hate to complain, I am sure many are worse off than I. I just feel I need to change something but not sure what or why.

[Elly57]

Every person you meet is an opportunity, a chance to change the present and look to the future. To find piece in our hearts. Maybe helping others. It's all on the way we look at it.

[shalady]

Thanks, you're right. I will try harder. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

[Elly57]

no i'm not right. i'm trying to find my own way too and that helps. I haven't been able to return to work yet. I just hope each and every day there are signs for me to follow. I try to stay positive the best way I can. I feel for you and hope to have your strength.

[kayc]

I've heard it said "fake it until you make it". Sometimes that's true. And sometimes just being out at our jobs makes us so deeply appreciate the sanctity of our homes, getting to stay home with your dog is a special gift.

I had to return to work two weeks after George died. It was hard but the employees there were wonderful. However, that job ended shortly thereafter and the next place was hell. I guess if it's at least somewhere in between it's a blessing. Dealing with the public can be hard when you're grieving, esp. since you don't want to bring people down (and employer might not like it). Just remember, the clock is ticking and soon you'll be off and back home again. How long do you have before you HAVE to be back on the job?

[shalady]

I'm back on the job now. I usually enjoy being busy and could multitask. Now I feel like I'm fumbling, I get flustered easily. I think and rethink. It really is hard. My husband passed away in late September and it seems like yesterday. I'm still trying to figure out what my next step should be. Not that I am going to make life changing decisions now, I just mean how to cope better with my life right now. Do I force myself to do everything or just try to get more rest and feel better. I am going to try a bereavement group too. Thanks for listening.

[HisWife]

My experience has been that you must take care of yourself first before even thinking of doing anything else. So rest, make sure you're eating and doing whatever you feel up to doing. Their is no set timeline for anything in the grief journey, so take whatever time is needed, but you must take care of you first. Comfort and peace to you. Sue

[kayc]

I don't know how bad you need the income, but is there any way you could ease your way into it, maybe work part time for a while? A grief counselor should be of help to you. At about three months is a good time to start with a support group.

[shalady]

My husband passed away two months ago. I still cry several times a day. I've gotten pretty good at hiding it. I know it makes people uncomfortable. I think trying the group counseling would be good, I read you can go into depression and that is not good. I guess there is a difference between grief and depression. I am still doing a lot of reading as you can tell. All I know is I have lost the love of my life and I don't know how all of us here would make it without each other to lean on. I am grateful for all of you.

[MartyT]

♥

[kayc]

When we first begin our grief journey, it may FEEL like depression, but is distinguished differently as we have a normal reason for feeling as we do...it is part of an adjustment process, one that is a normal part of our journey. Depression is different in that there may be a chemical imbalance causing it and it may require medication and/or therapy to bring one through it. For those of us grieving, the reason for it never goes away, never ends, instead we work on learning to adjust to our new life without the person we love physically in it. It is an ongoing process, and we can get better at coping as we learn. It has helped me so much to go through it with those here rather than trying to make it alone. Here I can learn from others, get pointers, realize things about myself, and work on positive focus. Alone it would be pretty tough...not that it isn't tough enough as it is!

It helps to realize that our grief response is a NORMAL response to something that's happened in our life (which may not FEEL normal but actually is a part of life's cycle). This is different from depression, which is due to an imbalance that needs corrected. They may display similarly, but they are not the same in origin or treatment.

[Elly57]

well said KayC. I feel as Shalady too. I have been to my pharmacy to ask for something as i have a doctors check up coming up. I haven't see the doctor since before my husband died. I know he will be asking me a few personal questions and I don't want that interpreted as depression. I'm down, knocked to the curb of life, sad, trying to find my way in the world. Not depressed. my pharmacist recommended something that was not addictive and safe to take.

I do feel that now I have the knowledge to move on and try to explore avenues that I wouldn't have when my husband was alive. I have stood up for myself and asked for help with the step children when I needed it. I cant do this on my own. when I have posted here I have had some very sound advice and support too. its my choosing if i implement it or not. Ive found my gut reaction is usually telling me the truth. I want my husband back desperately (5 weeks) but i keep saying to myself thats not going to happen, no matter how much I want it. life is so very precious to both of us. So by me sitting by and just watching the world go by is not what he wanted me to do, i know. its hard and hurts like hell but I have to do something or I would then slide sideways into depression.

These are tough times. The way I'm dealing with this is not the same way someone else would, but as I've been advised that's what this forum is all about. Doing things our way now.

Whatever works for each of us.

Im looking of the omens to help me through this. If they comes to me then its right and the right time. it they don't then it's not the right time.

[enna]

One of the most helpful things I learned when I first lost my husband, Jim, was that our whole life turns upside down and it was OK to feel completely devastated over our loss. We have been ripped apart. We are not depressed ~ we are in grief. A grief that freezes us to a point that normal does not seem like normal. I was already retired and did not have to go out into the world and pretend that everything was OK. It is not OK. Those who have to go out and function for their livelihood can try to set aside a time to grieve during the day and this sometimes helps. Our grief does not go away and it helps to take it in doses.

I wish I could tell those who are new to this spousal grief that it was going to be OK, but it is never OK ~ it is only different and we do learn to live with this new normal.

Anne

[kayc]

Elly, I just got through telling another poster in a different section that I believe if he's honest with himself, he knows what to do and what not to do. I believe that to be true, and it was interesting that you just voiced that. You are right, we don't all handle things the same way, that's because we're different and what is right for one may be different than what is right for another. But there are some common things we can know aren't the best way, such as turning to alcohol, which is a depressant, so sometimes we add caution to someone that can be construed as telling them what to do, but that's not the intent. Some things we've seen already and know to avoid. But as far as how we handle our "new life", we have to choose for ourselves...sometimes we choose to hibernate, sometimes to get out, to become busier, to cut back and become still. Sometimes what we need one month is different than what we need another month. We've seen that here, some take a break, some take time to contemplate, others involve themselves with life. Deep down inside I believe we have the answers for ourselves should we but search for them.

[Elly57]

Thank you again for validating my feelings KayC.....today is my 'Benilyn Day' as the advert suggests. it's cold, very windy and snowy here and I'm staying home couching it till my counselling apt this afternoon. Tea, movie or tv what ever is in the fridge. I haven't done that since i will ill and lived at home for my mum to look after me.

I know tomorrow will be different. i shall start again fresh and ready to take on the world again and see what it brings. I'm open to seeing and feeling all that comes my way. My step children can go 'fly a kite'. opps inside voice.

[shalady]

Thank you all for the wonderful words of wisdom. You really help to sort out so many things. I know when you say one day you want to get out in the world and the next you dont want to leave the house. It is amazing what tugs on the heartstrings. Once again I am so grateful to be able to come here. I learn so much but more than that I feel the warmth and comfort you share. My husband was a wonderful man with a big heart. In his honor I will find a place where I can donate a basket of food for Thanksgiving for a family in need. He would love that and I know he is watching over me. Every morning when I wake up it seems I relive it again. I wake up and remember it is another day without him. I say a little prayer for him. I wish he were here. Right now I am thankful for this black lab who is laying on my feet. He is so intuitive and loyal. He is my joy in the day. I wish you all peace and comfort. Thanks for listening.

[shalady]

As the holidays approach I can't help but think of all of you missing your beloved. My Bob is gone less than three months now. I spent the whole day in the house yesterday, except for a few needed walks for my dog. I wish I could just stay home until January 2nd. This just seems to be the saddest time of all. But then each day has seemed like that. What is left of my family is far away so won't be getting together. I do have friends but hate burden them if I am feeling sad. I am still debating if I want to put up a little tree. The thought of seeing his favorite ornaments tears my heart out. May have to skip it. I was just wondering if the first Christmas was as hard for others. Thanksgiving wasn't so bad. I think his birthday in March and our wedding anniversary will be difficult too. I just don't know how I will make it through some holiday gatherings with friends that are going on. Do you go and muddle through or just stay home. This is so draining.

[kayc]

Good for you! And it's important to nurture ourselves, who else will?!

[MartyT]

Draining indeed, my dear. I hope you'll spend some time in this thread, as it contains links to many articles offering helpful suggestions:

[MartyT]

Here is an article I just found a few minutes ago: Grief in Times of Celebration: The Empty Spot

[ohsosad]

Shalady,

This will be my first Christmas without Steve. I have no family to be with so I will spend the day alone with my memories and my two dogs. Like your black lab, they are precious to me and help me cope.

Rita

[shalady]

I am so sorry this is your first Christmas too. Yes Rita, the dogs are a great comfort. They are very intuitive and seem to know when we need a little nudge or a cold nose on the arm, I don't know what I would do without him. Do you have any friends near that you could be with on the holiday? I do but I am not sure if I should just stay home and be sad or go out and be sad. I just don't like ruining other's day. I also don't like leaving Zach (the dog) home alone on the holiday. I think we just continue one day at a time and see. That is how I seem to get through. I can't think about the future, including tomorrow. I miss my husband so much. I look at pictures and still can't wrap my head around this reality. I have been reading the articles Marty suggests. I find it helpful. I hope you continue to come here and that you find comfort in knowing how much everyone cares. They have been through this and don't judge or question how or what we express. They validate our feelings and remind us is ok to feel this way. I hope you find peace and comfort.

Shalady

[HisWife]

This is my first Christmas w/o Al as well. Also my bd is next week, which he always made me feel so special on. My kids, while meaning well, keep asking how I want to celebrate. Really? Celebrate? Both are local and are coming with their little ones on Christmas. And while I am thankful they will be here, all I really want to do is go to sleep and have it be January. I attend GriefShare mtgs and they have a special website dealing with the holidays. It's www.griefshare.org/holidays. The info there, as well as coming here, has given me hope that I can get through this month but only if I take it day-by-day. Sue

[shalady]

^{Oh Sue , I am so sorry you are going through first Christmas as well. And to have your BD added must be devastating. My Bob always fussed for mine too, but mine is very far off. I am glad you will have your children and grandchildren with you. The little one's innocence have a way of helping heal our hearts. When you need your 'alone' time just excuse yourself. Remember we don't have to apologize or explain anything. You have to take care of you. They will never really be able to understand how you feel. Only those who are going through this with you can do that. I know how deep sadness feels, I have never felt it before this. I wish you peace and comfort.}

[kayc]

Sue, I think I'd tell the kids you don't feel celebratory, but would like some time with them (assuming you do). The first Christmas without George, and every Christmas since, I have hung his stocking and given special place to each of his ornaments, a way of including him in Christmas. I encourage anyone who wants to to write something about or to him and put it in his stocking. They aren't messages for me, but for him, letting him know how much we love him, he'll always be a part of our lives.

When is your birthday?