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shalady

Being Overwhelmed Most Of The Time

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Elly, I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. I understand completely. I did the same thing last night. Went to a Christmas party and could not wait to get home. I don't know why I just don't say no. I guess I feel others will not understand what we are going through. I was very generous of you to do all of that for your guests while you are suffering so. I hope today goes better. Stepping out by yourself for a bit is a good idea. I have a lunch and dinner I am supposed to attend and I don't know if I have it in me. I just want to put me first and don't know if that is right. I wish you peace and comfort. Don't forget we are all here for you. Merry Christmas.

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Consider this, dear one: Who else is in your life who will put you first? If you don't do it, no one else will either. I hope you will do what feels right for you, and feel justified in doing so

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Dear Shalady,

I absolutely agree with Marty.

Not only that, but this is Christmas!

Today, of all days, give yourself the gift of unconditional and compassionate love.Follow your heart today in all ways. Put yourself, your feelings, your needs and wants, and your precious healing heart first today.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Today I woke up to winter wonderland, like fae, and it really is quite beautiful. The streets are fine for driving the driveway has a little slush, but overall it is beautiful and without much of the danger it could present. My daughter and SIL are driving up today and I'm hoping she'll take a picture with my new camera (and then show me how to use it :D ), if I get one, I'll post it on line.

Many of you, your hearts are hurting...we've been there, I was feeling it a couple of days ago and even yesterday, going through surgery without my George to be by my side, caring, taking care of me...it's times like this that let us know how keenly aware we are of their absence.

Christmas without the one you love can be poignantly felt. I encourage all of you to find some way to remember and commemorate them today. Play their favorite Christmas carol. Write them a letter. Talk to them. I look at George's stocking (that I still hang) and his ornaments (that I still put on the tree) and think of him...of our Christmases together, of all the good memories. And while I'm missing him...I still love him...always.

I hope this day isn't all heartache for you, I hope it at least holds a mixture of feelings, I think that's the best we can hope for.

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I have so many wonderful people around me but the one I love. I hurt today. I want this ache to go away. I want it to go away so badly. the 'want' hurts too.

Elly

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I wish there were some magic words to comfort all those who are new in their grief of missing a spouse but there isn’t.

What I can say is that the “hurt” you want to go away does get just a little more bearable and later, much later, some of the happy memories come and you no longer are focused only on the pain that comes with losing a soul mate.

It is good to allow your true feelings to be what they are and not try to deny them. We call this “leaning into your pain.” We learn how to grieve in doses. When we have to be at work or function for the children or just do daily chores like going to the grocery store, visiting the doctor, or attending meetings we find we are able to do those things and we give ourselves permission to grieve at a later time ~ at a time we choose.

Sometimes we are hit with a thought of our spouse that does not allow us to put it aside and when that happens the best thing to do is allow it ~ excuse yourself, leave the place where you are, step outside for a few minutes, go sit in your car and cry, and if you need to leave a store do so. If others do not understand that is their problem not yours. You have a right to grieve and you don’t have to make excuses for your feelings to anyone.

31 months ago I was where many of you are now. I thought my world ended. I wanted it to end. The pain was more than I thought I could handle! But, I am here and I’m actually in a good place today. Yes, I miss my husband and I want him to be here. I often think about how things would be if he were still here.

You do not take this journey alone. Having found this place assures you that there are others who do understand and we listen and allow you to express your grief. We are not afraid of grief and we understand that there are no time limits.

Oh yes, I was one in the beginning who did not believe in “virtual hugs” but today I say that if it were not for those “virtual hugs” I would not be where I am today. I still ask for them and accept them.

Anne

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I second everything Anne said!

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When VP Biden spoke at the police officer's funeral yesterday in NYC, he gently referred to his own loss by saying to the family, I have some experience with this (pain). He certainly knows what they are going through. His young wife and child died in a car accident years ago.

R

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Elly,

What Anne wrote is very true for many of us. Not that we have all had identical experiences, but we can all find salient points on our journey that we usually come to recognize only after we have travelled further on this grief journey.

I can remember when my impatience was torn between wanting to find a way to escape the pain of grief, and wanting to escape the constant longing for something, anything, to change in my life so I would have some relief from the emptiness and and sorrow.

Slowly, over these almost three years, I have been able to notice that my heart has healed enough that I can remember Doug without pain, that I can imagine that someday I might be a happy person again, and that I might have a life of my own, now so very different from the life I had with Doug and the life we had planned together for the next 30 years of so.

Also, these holiday times are terribly hard for the first few years as we adjust to "making it through" on our own or with family and friends, but without our Beloved. Some days, even now, on this third Christmas season without Doug, I find myself simply stopping in my tracks when a memory of Doug being in that spot wells up in my consciousness.

And I ask people not only for virtual hugs, but I ask friends for hugs when I feel I will be comforted by them. So far, no one has refused.

So, for all your pain and wanting, here are some {{{{{HUGS}}}}} and some *<Fairy Dust>* to help you make it through this time. I am sure I would not be feeling as healed as I do if I had not had this place to come for comfort and consolation, for understanding and validation of my most painful feelings, as well as for the hope and promise of healing that was given to me by others here. We are all here for you. We are listening.

Peace to your broken heart,

fae

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........................"wanting to find a way to escape the pain of grief, and wanting to escape the constant longing for something, anything, to change in my life so I would have some relief from the emptiness and and sorrow."...................

I couldn't have put it better....this is exactly how i'm feeling.

Fae....I need more fairy dust. thank you for the hugs. I go up to people and ask for hugs too.

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Dear Elly,

I am really glad you can ask for what you need. Especially hugs. Asking for what I need is something I have had to learn, and so first, I had to get to know myself well enough to know what I did need. After taking care of Doug for three years as he slowly deteriorated, I simply forgot that I had any needs of my own. Spending time each day in meditation, becoming more aware of who and how we are, has helped me to be in touch with my own needs again, and to ask for what I need.

Early on, when we have lost our Beloved, I think it is so hard to ask anything of anyone, because we are almost hidden from ourselves under all the pain and grief. You are asking, and that is wonderful. It will help with your healing.

Here's some more *<fairy dust>* for you. :wub:

Peace to your heart,

*<twinkles>*

fae

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For 2015 ..........I am looking for my Father's strength and wisdom, my Mother's joy and grace, my Brother's sense of humour and my husband's love and compassion....They are all now my angels, too soon. I love them more each and every day.

Elly

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Lovely, inspiring words, Elly. Thank you. My angels and I too are loving more and more all the time, too.

:wub:

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I guess I need to work on George's compassion and outgoing nature. How I admired him, I hope he knows that.

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I am sorry you are hurting so. I too am finding myself in disbelief at times. I try telling myself I cant rush this. I have to go through these heart wrenching feelings if I am to move along. I try to give myself time. One day at a time. Be patient with yourself. I miss my husband more than I can stand. I read what others have written and they say it takes a long time but the pain will ease. When you love someone that much it hurts more when you lose them. I hope you find some peace and comfort. We are here for you.

Shalady

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It has been a long time since I sat in disbelief, yet even with all of the time in between, I still look very much forward to the time we will be together again. I know there is a lot of loneliness to do in this world, but I want to enjoy what good moments there are for me, I know George would want that too. But it does very much give me something to look forward to, when at the end of the road we are holding each other once again.

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I look forward to being with my husband again. The trouble is I don't want my life to be a waste. If I'm rushing to be with him then I'm not enjoying the time I have now.

I find I long to give people hugs, I hang on a little longer with them as being in their arms, no matter if they are male or female, it feels so good.

To feel my husbands hugs would be so amazing. We hugged a lot, held hands all the time, sat close together, finished each other's thoughts. I shall never find that again and I long for that.

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I haven't been doing very well of late. Back in early December I woke one morning with very sharp pain in my right hip. It progressively worsened. It now goes down to my ankle. I have had two MRI and the first doctor said they were fine. I went for a second opinion and the doctor says I have three bulging discs and they are pressing on nerves which causes my pain. It is severe at times. I have to have a series of epidural steroid shots in my spine. Not looking forward to this. I am unable to drive. Most of my time is spent laying down on a heating pad. I have to get up frequently and walk around, pain or no pain, because I have history of pulmonary embolism. I had to go off blood thinner for the shot so must be very careful. Anyway, I find I have too much idle time and that gives way to just thinking. Thinking about Bob and how much I miss him. Funny how when we get sick ourselves we tend to want them here all the more, to help us through, to cheer us up, to take care of us. I am so glad I was able to be there for him. I have a friend who drives me to my appointments. The first doctor gave me steroid shots three times thinking it was sciatica. They did nothing. Anyway, I was just feeling a little down, probably because I am not used to being so shut in the house for so long. I am sure I will be fine. Just another bump in the road.

Shalady

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Dear Shalady,

I am so sorry to hear that you are not doing very well. I understand about the disc problem you are having. I have been in physical therapy for degenerative spinal disease now for a number of weeks and the pain that I was experiencing is slowly dissipating. When I went to my spine doctor he suggested that I have a cortisone injection in my hip to minimize the pain I was having in my lumbar region. My pain did not radiate down the leg. He also mentioned to me that an MRI does not always show what is going on in the spine so he ordered several spine x-rays with me standing, bending and twisting in a few other directions. We are complicated humans, aren't we. I hope that you have relief soon. Has anyone suggested physical therapy to you? The physical therapy has helped me so that I did not get the injection ~ it's there if I need it down the line.

I wish you well and hope that your pain eases. Sending many {{{hugs}}} your way. We will always miss our spouses and it hurts so much more when we are not feeling well.

Anne

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Dear Shalady,

I, too, am so sorry you are hurting, both physically and emotionally. Like Anne, I understand degenerative joint disease. She is right about MRI not showing what is happening with spine/joints. MRI shows what is happening with soft tissue (e.g. muscles). X-rays show what is happening to bones and joints.

Do you have a way to either take or have your INR taken? How often do you have it checked, and has the doctor advised you how long you can be off your blood thinner safely? I have to take Jerry's every day, but I know this is not the way it's usually taken. When he has to have surgery (even a lesion removal), he has to go off of his Coumadin, and I have to give him Louvonox injections in his tummy/side twice a day for about ten days. I hate to stick him, as you can imagine. I don't have a problem sticking anyone else. He's been through so much already.

My back pain does not radiate down my leg, but Jerry's hip pain radiates to his ankle. Because of how he hurts, I know you are having much pain, and I'm very sorry.

Were I with you, I would be trying to give you hot packs, ultrasound, and massage, provided we could get your doctor's permission. I wish I could do that for you. I send you warm hugs, and I will pray for you and with you.

Blessings and hugs,

Carrie

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I look forward to being with my husband again. The trouble is I don't want my life to be a waste. If I'm rushing to be with him then I'm not enjoying the time I have now.

That is how I feel. And I really look forward to getting one of his big bear hugs again!

Shalady, I can also relate, even though my problems haven't seemed so severe as yours, when I got my diagnosis of Cirrhoisis, gallbladder needed to come out, Bronchitis, ulcer, and thrush on top of my already having diabetes, and struggling with blood sugar, high blood pressure, and cholesterol, and living with allergies and asthma, it seemed overwhelming to me. My family did not come through for me, nor did my church, and I couldn't help but think how different it'd be if George were here. It is when we are most vulnerable and down that it is easy to focus inward, whereas if everything is going well physically, it's easier to be others-focused. Anne has been through so much, and so has fae and Carrie. A year ago it was constant injuries I was having whereas this year it's my overall health.

Whatever it is we're going through, it seems to make our missing our spouse all the more acute!

I do hope you find some relief soon...I know I don't like lying around all that much! (((Big Hugs!)))

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Thank you all for your caring. Anne, I have been to therapy and it seemed to make me worse. They told me in therapy I had scoliosis, showed me how the right shoulder is lower than the left. They tried ice and it didn't help. I was just doing light stretches. The doctor said to discontinue the therapy for now. I thought it strange that only MRI was done. The pain is so severe and is worse when I put weight on it or walk, sitting too long is bad as well. I asked and asked to have x-rays but was told by two doctors it was not necessary. The first one said it was sciatica and the second said it was due to the three bulging discs. It feels better when I lay down on the heating pad. Carrie, my doctor said to stop the Coumadin five to seven days before and start back the day after. My INR is done only once a month. It stays pretty steady right now. I've had the Louvonox injections, the bruising from them is terrible. Kay, you are right, we miss our spouse more at a time like this. I have no family here. I have a sister but she is 1300 miles away. I do have friends that help me. They walk the dog, drive me to appointments, shop for food. I don't know what would I do without them as I cant even drive right now. It must have been awful for you to try to do everything for yourself. Luckily I don't have as many health problems as you, just this and high cholesterol, thyroid and arthritis. None of which are bothersome for me. I will need knee replacement at some point but that is not that bad either. So I will count my blessings. I cant wait until I get some relief. It is getting worse and harder to manage the pain. Thank you all again for thinking of me. I'll let you know how I make out next week.

Shalady

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