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Coping With Holidays And Other Celebration Days


MartyT

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For those who may be interested:

The publisher of my online grief courses) has asked me to share with you the following announcement:

For a limited time, Self-Healing Expressions is offering one of my ebooks for free via this signup form.

View details of this offer here:: http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/join-list-8.html.

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Here is a chance to get a FREE copy of one of Marty's ebooks. As the holidays approach this will be helpful to everyone who has lost someone or who knows someone who has lost someone.

I know Marty's work very well and I can't say enough about the value of what she authors. We all know Marty is too humble to tell you wonderful this free book is....but I am telling you. Thanks to her publisher for this opportunity.

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I can tell you because of my own experience that the e-courses Marty writes are full of helpful material. Early on in my grief I took several online grief classes and one was Marty's "The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey." Later, I took her pet loss e-course "A Different Grief: Coping with Pet Loss" and I have also downloaded her "Coping with the Holidays & and Other Celebration Days" during my first year without Jim. A quote that has stuck with me from her coping with the holidays is "Death ends a life but it does not end the relationship you have with the one who died." Over the past two years I have learned to accept my feelings, to be okay with my pain, to recognize the importance of sharing my journey, and seeing the advantages of reading about grief.

This holiday season I will no doubt find different ways to cope. Grief changes us and even though I still do not look forward to the holidays I try to do something that will get me through them.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I tried to sign up for it but never got an email (yes I checked my spam folder). Am not sure how to access it.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

I watched "Handling the Holidays after Loss" and i thought it was excellent. It is archived on the website The Compassionate Friends if you missed it on the 17th.

"Holidays can be the most trying - new tradition idea..."

http://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/holidayscanbemosttryingnewtraditionidea

And another one ~ Grief during the Holidays

http://www.momentsoflife.org/grief-holidays

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For many of us, the holidays are not easy ~ focusing on something pleasant by using our senses just might help.

"It can be hard to face a day of thanksgiving when you're not feeling particularly grateful. You're not grateful that you have suffered, that your loved one suffered, that things didn't go as planned, that your heart is broken. But cultivating gratitude is still an extremely useful skill and it will help you find your way back to love. Start today with your senses: is there something to smell that you can appreciate? something to look at that is beautiful? something to listen to that is calming (perhaps just the silence). Can you taste something that you're grateful for? And touch something soft, something pleasing. Let your senses bring you to a mindful moment of presence."

~ Ashley Davis Bush ~ Transcending Loss: Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief

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Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about? ~ Charlie Brown

A reader writes: I'm in a very bad place. Numbness is still huge. But pain is in my heart too. The holidays are weighing on my heart so heavily. It's very hard to get up every day. And very hard to get through very dark long lonely nights. Honestly the only reason I am functioning for the holidays is for my two grandsons. They are the reason I still breathe in and out each day. I look at their faces and they are the reason to keep trying. It's so hard though to put on a smile. It's so hard to breathe in and out. Do you have any special tips on coping with the holiday season?

My response: My dear, I hope it helps to know that you are not alone in your reactions, especially at this time of year, when Mother Nature challenges us with darker, colder weather and everywhere we turn, we’re bombarded with reminders that “the holidays are coming!” As you say, when we are in mourning, it’s very hard to get through the dark, lonely nights, and harder still to keep hearing that "it's the most wonderful time of the year!" We barely have the energy to get out of bed in the morning to face the present day, much less think about the pressures of preparing for the days ahead of us, when we feel so out of sync with the rest of the world.

You’ve asked for tips on coping with the holiday season. Be aware that many community agencies offer programs to assist the bereaved, especially at this time of year. Your local hospice, funeral home or health organization will have information about whatever special offerings and services are available to you.

This is also the time of year when the Internet abounds with all sorts of articles, books and tips that offer creative and practical ways to cope with the holidays. In my daily trips around the Web, I follow dozens of such links, taking note of the resources I hope my readers will find most useful. (You’ll find lists of links to those I’ve found in years past listed here: Coping with the Holidays: Suggested Resources and here: Coping with the Holidays: Suggested Resources 2013.)

Below are the offerings I’ve discovered for you this year. (Note that I’ll be adding to this list throughout the holiday season, so be sure to return to this post in the days and weeks ahead, to see what's new).

As always, if readers know of any other resources that should be included, please feel free to add them.

Holiday Sorrows and Precious Gifts, by Thomas Attig

Simplicity, by Annette Childs, PhD

Open the Door, Welcome Joy, by Susan Casey

Coping with Grief During The Holidays, via JourneyCare

How to Fill an Empty Stocking, by Shannon Harris

The Art of Regrouping, by Litsa Williams

5 Loving Ways to Remember Someone You Have Lost This Christmas, by John D. Moore

Help for Holiday Grievers, by Mary Potter Kenyon

When It's NOT The Most Wonderful Time of The Year: Strategies for Sanity, by Ashley Davis Bush

10 Things You Can Do To Help Make This Holiday Season More Bearable, by Tom Zuba

What To Say To Your Kids When Holidays Aren't Happy, by Carey Wallace

When Christmas Hurts, via Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer

9 Ways to Cope with Grief During the Holidays, by Cheryl Amari

It's The Most Difficult Time of The Year, by Maria Kubitz

5 Ways to Combat Holiday Stress, by Allegra Jordan

Surviving the Holidays, from GriefShare

Simplify--Tips to Help Grievers Reduce Holiday Stress, by Judy Brizendine

Finding Christmas and Peace After the Death of a Child, by Harriet Hodgson

5 Ways To Help Those Remembering Baby Loss During the Holiday Season, by Tara Shafer

Grief in Times of Celebration: The Empty Spot, by Glen R. Horst

5 Steps To Make Yourself Miserable During The Holidays, by Matthew James

6 Steps To Survive The Holidays, by Donna Mebane

Holiday Black and Blues, by Mark Liebenow

Grieving During The Holidays, by Pat Schwiebert, RN

Four Words of Hope for Those Grieving During the Holidays, Booklet by James Miller

Holiday Music Out of Key: When Songs Become Sad, by Eleanor Haley

One Solstice: A Family Ritual of Love, Remembrance and Hope, by Elaine Mansfield

As The Holidays Approach: You Are the Occasion, by Lauren Solomon

Healing Through The Holidays, by Sherry Cassedy

Seven Things You Can Do To Help Yourself Grieve Through The Holidays, Booklet by James Miller

The Holidays Are Here! Don’t Panic, Just Pause! by Gincy Heins

4 Tips for Helping Mourners During the Holidays Ahead, by Larry Barber

7 Suggestions For Grieving During The Holidays, by Sameet Kumar

Rethinking Your Holiday Traditions, by Sandy Fox

Eight Tips To Help Someone Grieving During The Holidays, via eHospice

New Perspectives on Old Traditions: Grief and The Holidays, by Eleanor Haley

A Grief Break: Dealing With Loss During The Holidays, by Linda Lauren

Grief and The Holidays, by Barbara Karnes, RN

Caregiving: Your Holiday Survival Guide, by Denise Brown

A Chemo Christmas: 24 Ways to Help Those Who Are In The Hospital At The Holidays, by Cindy Finch

20 Ways to Discuss Advance Care Planning With Your Family Over The Holiday, by Christian Sinclair

Coaxing Memories Out of The Fog of Dementia, by Bob DeMarco

How To Keep Boundaries And Maintain Cheer During the Holidays, by Dr. Jaime Kulaga

6 Essential Tips For Surviving The Holidays: Let The Games Begin! by John Tsilimparis

Is the Holiday Season Your “Blue” Season? Learn Strategies to Cope with Seasonal Affective Disorder, by LaKeisha Jones

Halloween and Grief – When The Nightmare Is Too Real, by Megan Devine

Re-embracing Halloween After a Loss, by Gloria Horsley

It's Halloween: Trigger Treat, by Marita Anderson

After Trick or Treating, It’s the Trick of Treating Seasonal Affective Disorder, by Belleruth Naparstek

Soaring Spirits will be providing tips for coping, remembering, and honoring love throughout the holiday season ~ and starting on November 15th, sharing tips on its Facebook page and via email.

Holidays and Grieving for a Loved One: the First Thanksgiving, by Larry Lynn

10 Ways to Comfort Your Holiday Grief Without Food, by Paula Stephens

How to Withstand the Holidays: Root Yourself in Love, by Megan Devine

How You Can Help Me This Holiday Season, by Tanya Lord

The Challenge of Grieving Openly, by Pat Schwiebert, RN

Your Coupon to Exchange Holidaze for Holy, Calm Days, via Kara LC Jones

When Loved Ones Aren’t Very Loving, by Judith Johnson

Learning to Manage the Pain of Grief During the Holidays, by Dave Roberts

Blending Old and New Holiday Traditions When Grieving, by Dora Carpenter

Is SAD Due to The Darkness Of Grief or The Darkness Of The Season? by Barbara Rubel

Guiding Children and Teens Through the Grieving Process, via NAGC

Book Suggestions for Getting Through the Holidays, by Sandy Fox

Book, Open to Hope: Inspirational Stories for Handling the Holidays after Loss, by Open to Hope authors

Video, Handling Death and the Holidays, Grief Relief with Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi Horsley

Teleclass, Dealing with Grief During Holidays and Anniversaries When You Have Lost An Animal Loved One with Judy Tatelbaum, MSW

Your feedback is welcome! Please feel free to leave a comment or a question, or share a tip, a related article or a resource of your own.
If you’d like Grief Healing Blog updates delivered right to your inbox, you’re cordially invited to subscribe to our weekly Grief Healing Newsletter. Sign up here.

© by Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC

Edited by MartyT
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Wow! What a rich source of help, just when most needed! None of us need feel completely alone through the holidays...we have this place and our fearless leader! :)

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Dear Anne,

Thank you. A nice dose of simplicity is what I needed tonight. I've been spending time walking the halls here at the hospital, where it is very difficult to separate that time two years when Doug was here, struggling to even stand, and this Thanksgiving, where I am now, and when I am now. And while I know I have ten thousand things for which to be grateful -- I am here, after all -- nothing around me does more than remind me of Doug's last days, holding hands and kissing in his bed, and the long, lingering saying of goodbye, which went on until February.

I keep looking for words that will ease my mind and heart. I keep thinking of the promises we made to each other, and I keep feeling Doug here walking with me. We al know that there is noting to prepare us for this time in our lives when we turn around and find that we are, no how matter we wish otherwise, alone.

BUt then I remember I am not alone. I have had company today, good food, lots of reading available, and the promise of tomorrow, whateverit may hold.

MY surgery is scheduled for the next couple of days. Then I can go home, and once there, I hope I can find my way into a new chapter of my life. Today, I have no energy to plan or dream, but I think that is normal with all this poking and prodding and medical miasma surrounding me.

Dear Anne, no a day goes by that I don't find some beautiful gem you have left on one of the fora here. Thank you for all the beautiful gifts you set before us, and for your compassion and lovingkindness.

namastee,

fae

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Let me add my voice to yours, dear fae, in acknowledging how carefully and tenderly our dear Anne tends to all of us with her daily gatherings ~ She is one of the most beautiful flowers in our garden.

I am thinking of you tonight, dear one, and sending love, light and healing thoughts to you ~ along with a heavy dose of twinkles and fairy dust.

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Holiday 2014

Things I have read, watched, and listened to during the holidays so far:

Handling death and the holidays ~ Dr. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

This is one of my favorite videos.

Holiday Sorrows and Precious Gifts, by Thomas Attig

This entire article was good.

Simplicity ~ Annette Childs, Ph.D. Sometimes all it takes is sitting down to a meal together.

The Holidays are Here! Don’t Panic, Just Pause! www.internationalcaregiver.com

Liked the idea of having a dessert before or after the holiday itself or giving a gift card for gift exchange or collecting a sum $25.00 from each person and giving it to charity.

One Solstice: a family ritual of love and remembrance and hope, by Elaine Mansfield.

I loved the idea of building an altar, lighting candles and releasing something of the old year and hoping for something in the New Year.

Seven things you can do to help you grieve through the holidays, by James E. Miller

I liked all the ideas and I was happy to see that I was already doing a few of the things suggested ~ sometimes what we have planned has to be put off for another time ~ instead of falling apart, I find myself being all right with that.

7 suggestions for grieving during the holidays, by Sameet Kumar, Ph.D.

No matter what, it is hard to ignore the empty space that is in my heart with Jim not being here ~ I am learning to allow the emotions I feel by not stressing over things I can’t change. I find comfort in knowing that I am not doing this alone.

Grief and the holidays, by Barbara Karnes.

I find her ideas so helpful whether it’s about the holidays, end-of-life, or many other things she writes about. Her booklets are inspiring. I don’t mind at all talking about the “elephant in the room.” I am not uncomfortable mentioning Jim’s name often and whenever I can.

I have read others things on my own and intend to continue to read other suggestions Marty has provided for us. I think this has become one of my mantras ~ knowledge is power ~ I do believe it. Thank You, Marty, for all the work you do.

Something I read this morning by Megan Devine called, “How to withstand the holidays: root yourself in love” made an impression on me. She suggests that we arm ourselves with the “tools” needed to handle our grief. Being aware of the “triggers” that will come out of nowhere helps us handle things better. A few months ago I took a writing course (Writing your Grief) that Megan led and found it very helpful.

It is healing to write about what we have lost and it is also good to know that the love we have for our deceased loved ones carry on even in their absence.

Anne

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Part 2 Holiday 2014 ~ my thoughts

Grief Break: dealing with loss during the holidays, by Linda Lauren

This article is about creating new memories ~ “making our presence known in present time and blend it with the past” is a good way to take a break from our grieving.

Your Holiday Survival Guide ~ from caregiving.com

This article brought me back to when I was assisting hospice and a private nurse to care for my Jim during his final days. How dare someone challenge me for needing help to care for Jim in our home! Taking care of myself helped me to better care for Jim. And after all, I did not want to become only his caregiver ~ I was his wife. Family, who were not present all the time, had no idea what it took to care for Jim 24/7. Instead of being kind and understanding some family members challenged my reason for having all these people in our home. I learned early on that Jim’s care was going to be done mainly by me ~ most family members were either too busy or in denial about Jim’s pending death.

How you can help me this holiday season ~ from the Grief Toolbox

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Right now I am much too sick to enjoy anything, I just want this year over with. My heart is with you, fae, as you're in the hospital. I'm wondering if you've had your surgery yet, hoping you can come home soon and start on the mend. I meet with the surgeon Thursday, so will know more then. My son wants me to come to his house for Christmas...that's highly unlikely. We'll see what's in store, I may just have to skip Christmas this year but next year will be a new year...a grandbaby on the way...Spring is coming, even if Winter exists between now and then.

So tired...going to go lay down again. At least I visited the horses this morning, only Reno would come to me, the other two were interested but hung back.

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I am so sorry that you are so very ill, dear Kay. I am glad that you will see the surgeon on Thursday. It is too early to think about skipping Christmas ~ hopefully by that time you will be feeling much better.

I am thinking of fae, also. I'm sure she will let us know when see is scheduled for her surgery ~ I think it is going to be on Monday.

You are both in my thoughts ~

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thank you, dear friend. I want my gallbladder out as soon as they can schedule it, and if it means I'll be recuperating instead of traveling to my son's on Christmas, so be it. The hardest part would be missing Arlie. :(

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I am with you, Kay. It would be good if they could do indoscopic surgery when removing your gall bladder ~ still major surgery but less healing time. You know that you will have an army of friends wishing you well. It is frightening to be going through this alone. These are the times I think all of us need (want) our spouses to be with us. I never understood this until my Jim died ~ it is a bite to face these things without that support. You will be fine because we are with you in spirit.

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Kay,

Thinking of you and sending lots of love and good wishes. Hey! We may have our surgery around the same time! I am reading up on what to do and not to do after gall bladder surgery, Meanwhile, I am walking the halls as much as I can to stay strong, and eating these special meals. I an down to one pain pill for sleep, because I hate the "binding" side effect of pain pills, so I am sipping prune juice and doing a lot of meditating.

This is the hospital where Doug spent a lot of time those last couple of years, so there are lots of memories, here on the oncology floor, and I am doing my best to try to keep happy memories, although I guess I am not going a good job at it. But at least sometimes, I can remember Doug and it makes me smile. :)

Kay, no matter what, we are going to get through this surgery, and we will heal, and we will get strong again, and the days will get better.

I am sure of it. :)

*<twinkles>*

fae

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