Coping With Holidays And Other Celebration Days

[MartyT]

Grieving During the Holidays

By Pat Schwiebert, R.N.
pat@tearsoup.com

It’s holiday time again. Comes around every year. Same time. Same weather. Same smells. Same decorations. Same people. Same music. Same food. Same expectations. It’s in our cells. We’ve grown up with it. We pass it on to our kids as if it were part of our DNA… We look forward to it. And we look forward to it being over.

So if everything’s the same, why does it seem so different when we’re grieving? A day, time, or event stands all by itself. It may contain beauty, but it carries no passion, no feeling, no excitement. It’s we who bring that emotion in to make it an experience.

Last night I sat with the Parents of Murdered Children group, as I have done for the past 33 years, as they observed this Christmas holiday together.

The newly bereaved parents who acknowledged how they used to love this season, were now dreading the holidays As the more seasoned bereaved parents shared the experience of years, the newer ones saw that dread or trepidation was quite a natural feeling to have under the circumstances. One of the parents told the group that after the death of her son it had been seven years before she was ready to decorate a tree. That helped others to see that this hard place they were in right now would not last forever. Hope was the gift they gave to each other.

New and old shared memories of their loved ones. They talked of upcoming trials and parole board hearings and difficulties being in noisy crowds with Christmas music blaring overhead. They laughed and they cried and gave each other hugs. There was no pretending that everything was all right. There was no stuffing of any emotion. These parents were in a safe place where nothing was off limits in conversation.

We shared a short memorial service where a poem was read, a bell was rung after each child’s name was called out loud, and appropriate musical selections performed by one of the parents in the group. Then behind a background of recorded songs—“Remember Me” and “I Wouldn’t Have Missed This for the World”—photos of each child appeared one by one, larger than life on a big screen. I looked at the parents faces as their child took center stage for a brief moment. There through glistening eyes was pride, joy, and remembering.

Death and Christmas are opposites. It’s no wonder the bereaved have a difficult time navigating their way through it. Our culture has made Christmas a time for giving and receiving. It’s about cramming our lives with things and experiences. Sadly, the whole season can become quite superficial.

Death on the other hand is about having something taken away--about being made bare. There is nothing superficial about the grief that follows the loss of a loved one. But grief, if we let it, can give something back. Experiencing grief does not mean that we have to only be worn down by our pain. Rather, by letting grief do its work on us, we can become increasingly filled up with compassion, more aware of life’s richness, more able to help others, and more able to help ourselves.

Yes. The holidays are upon us. It happens every year. I have a wish for you. May you enjoy what you can enjoy, endure what you must endure, and leave the rest for another year.

[enna]

Part 3 ~ Holiday 2014 ~ more of my thoughts on some of the articles

New Perspective on old traditions: grief and the holidays, by WYG

This article was a difficult one for me because so many of the things we did together during the holidays now don’t happen. We entertained quite often and now that Jim is dead that doesn’t happen. Our lives were made up of couples and since I’m no longer part of the couple group my participation took a nosedive. With my only family members (a daughter and SIL and 2 grandchildren) out of town and no chance for traveling to them during the harsh winter months because of health issues I am left to find new ways to celebrate. Celebrate is a hard word for me. What is there to celebrate? I light a candle or make an ornament or volunteer for a few hours somewhere. December is the hardest for me. I have a birthday, our wedding anniversary, Christmas, and the New Year all stacked upon one another. Grief triggers are everywhere! Old rituals have to be turned into new ones ~ Skype talks with the grandchildren have to be okay. I wonder how many others have found themselves wondering what they will do because everyone you know is busy with their families. It is a real challenge when a spouse has died especially if you are already in your senior years.

Grief and the Holidays, by Barbara Karnes

I have read this article before but have a new idea about what I’ll do this year.

I like anything this lady writes. She has a great take on so many things dealing with grief. I like that she says we should celebrate the memories and talk about our feelings with those who are around us. What happens when there isn’t a family gathering and you are alone because no one invited you to their family gathering? In many family gatherings that is possible; but, what about the person who is left alone with no one to celebrate “the elephant in the room?” One thing I am going to do is visit a senior home for a few hours and play games, read to someone, listen to someone tell their story, or take part in a sing-a-long. It helps me. I’m bringing oatmeal/raisin and peanut butter cookies with me. I will seal the can so I won’t be tempted to eat them on the way.

How to withstand the holidays: root yourself in love, by Megan Devine

So, I have another thought after rereading this article by Megan Devine.

I like what Megan Devine has to say. I actually do not mind spending time alone. I think this Christmas I’ll spend time going through photos that I have been putting off ~ mostly because they bring on too many tears and it hurts when I think about what I don’t have. I think it just might be time to make an iPhoto Book (using a Mac software program) perhaps calling it ~ The Legacy of My Jim.

[MartyT]

The book sounds like a wonderful idea, dear Anne, and I'll bet it will be fantastic. ♥

It's a good thing the cookies in that can will be oatmeal/raisin and peanut butter rather than chocolate chip/chocolate chunk ~ I don't think they'd make it to the senior home

[MartyT]

[kayc]

Well I just donated a box of food yesterday, but I won't be able to hug on Christmas...I'll sure work on the others though!

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing the "Grieving During the Holidays" with us, Marty. Also for your thoughts and suggestions, Anne...I can't do them this year, but will keep it in mind for the future. I saw what it was like in the dementia care center when my mom was in there...some of them never had visits, it's like they were the forgotten segment of society, like Zombies, unable to really live, treated differently, but still there...alone. A visit at the holidays would do wonders.

Marty, I can't even imagine what it's be like to be the parent of a murdered child, let alone face the holidays afterwards. I do know that when George died (June 19), I wasn't up to the 4th of July gathering my daughter invited me, I couldn't handle the gaiety, it was much too soon. I had to face Labor Day alone (it was the most important time of the year to my family--my kids and XH of 23 years due to our family traditions)...I hit a deer because I was crying while driving. My birthday Oct. 7, no one told me happy birthday, George always made a big deal of it...and I cried myself to sleep. I was even at a church event that night, I felt alone in a crowded room. Oct. 19 was our anniversary, I somehow made it through that. And Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and New Year. Valentine's day was really rough...they had a "sweetheart banquet" with a quartet singing love songs...really hard to handle, George had always attended with me. By the time we got to the last holiday in my "first year without", I went on strike. NO EASTER! My kids were understanding and said we don't have to do Easter, we can celebrate another time or skip it or whatever you want. (We did have a big dinner a week later but no mention was made of Easter). I so appreciated their understanding and support! I think the first year was the toughest, but it's always hard hitting the holidays...people don't like to be alone on Christmas...or worse yet, watching other couples enjoy it...it exacerbates our aloneness. To get out of ourselves and do something for others like Anne, seems one of the best solutions!

[MartyT]

A lovely holiday message from Alan Pedersen, Executive Director of The Compassionate Friends:

Speaking from the Heart

December 2014

All across the TCF world hundreds of our members are hard at work putting the finishing touches on their World Wide Candle Lighting program for December 14th. Our organization is amazing because our support services are provided to people in grief, by people who are also grieving. My hope for each of us is that in all the hustle and bustle of this busy season as we are focusing our hearts and hands on helping others, that we take some time to give ourselves a few gifts. These 4 gifts can help all of us who help others in spite of our grief.

1. The first gift we can give ourselves is the gift of tolerance. This gift is great because it can be shared with all of our family and friends. The gift of tolerance allows us to be free of expectations about where we should be in our grief, how we should feel in our grief, or how our grief journey compares to others. Grieving is hard work, grieving while working to help others is even harder work. The gift of tolerance is our permission to grieve our own unique way, in our own time.
2. The second gift is the gift of hope. There will be many of us who may feel as though there is no hope this holiday season. Yet, there is hope to be found in the fact that each of us took that next breath when we didn’t want to and we just keep on breathing our way through grief. There is hope to be found in every compassionate friend who will hold a candle in honor of all children gone too soon. There is hope to be found in the fact that in spite of our great pain, we continue to reach out to others. There is hope to be found in the love that continues to resonate in each one of us for our beautiful children, grandchildren and siblings.
3. The third gift is the gift of help. Helping is definitely healing and most of us recognize the importance of reaching out to others as a means of helping ourselves. But, we must also allow ourselves to reach out and ask for help and support. TCF works not because you and I are strong enough to be a solid rock for those who are newer in their grief. TCF works because you and I allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to share our pain as well as our joy. We need not walk alone, we need not work alone either … we all need the gift of support from others.
4. The fourth gift is the gift of memory. Their laughter, their smile, their scent. The times they may have been difficult to deal with, the times they made us laugh. Giving ourselves the gift of some quiet time wrapped in a beautiful blanket made of loving memories can be the greatest gift of all. We will never forget that they died, which makes it so important that we consciously take the time especially during this holiday season to remember that they lived.

My hope is that each of you have a gentle holiday season.

Blessings,

Alan Pedersen
alan@compassionatefriends.org

[enna]

I have seen this before but I think it worth a place here as we all try and cope during the holidays ~ Three C's for Holiday Grief

http://hospicefoundation.org/End-of-Life-Support-and-Resources/Grief-Support/Journeys-with-Grief-Articles/Three-C-s-for-Holiday-Grief

[enna]

Don’t try to put your feelings aside for the holidays.

You won’t be able to.

Don’t attempt to stuff your emotions and be strong for others.

It won’t work.

True strength is found in being real.

“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off,

& your eyes drop out & you get loose in the joints and very shabby.

But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real

you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

~The Velveteen Rabbit

[feralfae]

[ADH]

Holidays after graduation:

I have not been on the site for what seems like a few weeks. I posted a thank you for graduation. I appreciate the support I received here....especially after seeing the struggles everyone is going through this holiday season. Thanksgiving weekend was awful for me. Graduation was an accomplishment, but here comes Christmas. I hope there can be some positives in the midst of the struggles. I would give anything to be able to take away the pain of grief for all of us.

How are you feeling Fae and KayC? Anne...thank you for all of the info on grief.

God Bless all of you.

A

[ADH]

Don’t try to put your feelings aside for the holidays.

You won’t be able to.

Don’t attempt to stuff your emotions and be strong for others.

It won’t work.

True strength is found in being real.

“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off,

& your eyes drop out & you get loose in the joints and very shabby.

But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real

you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

~The Velveteen Rabbit

This is so true, Anne.

[enna]

Coping through the holidays ~

http://tmkyhjxy.megaph.com/

[enna]

~ radiate love ~

[feralfae]

Holidays after graduation:

I have not been on the site for what seems like a few weeks. I posted a thank you for graduation. I appreciate the support I received here....especially after seeing the struggles everyone is going through this holiday season. Thanksgiving weekend was awful for me. Graduation was an accomplishment, but here comes Christmas. I hope there can be some positives in the midst of the struggles. I would give anything to be able to take away the pain of grief for all of us.

How are you feeling Fae and KayC? Anne...thank you for all of the info on grief.

God Bless all of you.

A

Your life sounds complex and busy. With all you have been through, you are still here, and thank goodness you made it through a bad time at Thanksgiving.

Congratulations on your graduation. Weren't you at Chicago? Thank you for your caring. I am doing better, three weeks out from the last surgery, and four weeks from the other one. Slowly, my energy is returning. I hope you have loved ones around you this Christmas, and time to cherish yourself with gentle love and some rest.

Blessings,

fae

[enna]

The reality of grief ~

Tip 23: One day you will wake up and it will be Jan 2, and you will see you made it!!!

[MartyT]

Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas. ~ Calvin Coolidge

My wishes for all of you this Christmas, and throughout the coming year:

May you feel gratitude for the blessing that you have shared part of your life with your loved one.

May you be embraced by the invisible presence of your beloved.

May you give to yourself the same measure of love you have given to your beloved.

May you be wrapped in the warmth of your precious memories.

May you feel joy each day, if only for a moment.

May you have hope that your life holds gifts yet to be discovered.

May you find all the support you need, and take comfort in knowing that you don’t walk this path alone.

May you have peace and love in your heart, as you honor the spirit of Christmas and try to keep it all year long.

May you continue to share the energy of your love with others.

Wherever you may be in your journey, know that I am thinking of you and sending my heartfelt wishes that your days are filled with peace, healing and love.

♥ Marty ♥

[enna]

Thank you for such wonderful wishes for our holiday, Marty.

[MartyT]

♥

[kayc]

ADH,

How are you doing? Where did you spend the holidays?...were you with family? Thinking of you as you face choices.

I am home recuperating from surgery, pretty quiet holiday this year.

[kayc]

Anne,

I liked your "tips for the holidays"!