From Personal Keepsakes To A New Love

[Elly57]

Not a week has gone by from the date of my husbands funeral. As I'm sure everyone has had forms to fill in certificates to send away accounts to close and general house keeping of paper work that needs to be attended to.

I'm blindsided by this one.

His Life policy comes with strings, I understand why I just wasn't thinking I'd be in this position to have to make a choice.

Do I take a lump sum and be done with? Do I take the monthly income for life.........oh no it's not for life, here is the string attached. Monthly income for two years and for life after that if I stay single. That stops if I live with someone or re marry. The numbers are not the same. The lump sum is obviously different. If I invest that, it wouldn't get the same income generated to compare with the monthly income for life.

The money is not my point.

How am I to even think about life or even love after the death of my profound love I had with my husband has gone. My husband was a most considerate lover and passionate caring person. I can't imagine there to be anyone else who would come close to the way he considered our fun, expectations, enjoyment, giggles, jokes, hand holding, cuddles, and I'll say it, our love making, the way we did.

I love life, or did, with my husband. We liked to go out, have fun with our friends as a couple, enjoyed a wide variety of different things we enjoyed to do together. We were a team. That has now been shattered. How do I pick myself up and move on in an everyday life without him. To think about my life stretching out I front of me alone. Which one of you has a crystal ball to say there maybe a second perfect match out there....... No one........ How do I fill out these forms which seem cold, heartless and devoid of feelings.

It seems to me every step and desision I make I take a step further away from my husband. I think my problems is it's not the forms I have to fill in, it's more the fact that each time a new situation presents itself I have to think into the future and it brings it home I'm no longer a team.

This really hurts.

Elly

[Queeniemary]

Elly, my advice is please do not sign anything or make any decisions regarding the way the life insurance is paid out, without first getting advice from a lawyer. This just sounds wrong.

QMary

[kayc]

I would talk to a Financial Advisor about this. He might have some suggestions about investing, etc. Right now it is too soon to even imagine remarrying, yet it does happen for some people. I know of one couple that married but did not have the officiator turn it in to the state, so it wouldn't affect her income from her deceased husband. It's sad that people have to make that choice or they'd be penalized for remarrying. By the same token, we are penalized, tax-wise, because our spouse died. The first year we can claim them, but after that we are considered single and have to pay about $100 more per month in taxes. That's wrong! So we not only lose half our family income, but we get slapped with more taxes on top of it!

I remember filling out all of the forms...having to mark as "single", I hated that! I didn't choose to be single, I still considered myself married!

[MartyT]

My dear Elly, my eldest son happens to be an insurance agent (and one I know I can trust), so I've shared your life insurance questions with him and I am waiting for his response.

In the meantime, I agree with QMary and with Kay: Don't make any decisions right now, until you've obtained some sound financial advice, either from a trusted and respected relative or friend, or from a certified professional financial advisor.

I did a quick search on the Internet, and managed to find the following, which I hope will help ~ although I understand completely that you may not be ready, willing or able to absorb the information:

7 Financial Tips For Your First Year As A Widow, http://wealthcareforwomen.com/widow-first-year/

Expert offers financial advice for the recently widowed, http://www.cnbc.com/id/101041131

Book, Moving Forward On Your Own, http://www.kathleenrehl.com/

What Widows Should About Know About Financial Advisors, http://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/mutual-funds/articles/2014/03/20/what-widows-should-know-about-financial-advisors

Surviving A Loss: Smart Steps for Coping With Widowhood, http://www.aaii.com/evergreen/article/2-surviving-a-loss-smart-steps-for-coping-with-widowhood

Sudden Loss: Financial Advice For Widows, http://www.forbes.com/sites/feeonlyplanner/2012/08/28/sudden-loss-financial-advice-for-widows/

[mfh]

When Bill died, his life insurance policy asked me if I wanted to get the money in payments and keep the balance invested at their company. I decided to take the money and be in charge of it because I basically knew not much about this insurance company. Your decision is complicated because what they are suggesting could result in a larger sum of money. I agree...time for professional help from someone you REALLY trust. There are financial advisors and there are financial advisors and believe me I have seen a couple of losers. Be careful. Ask friends who they use, how long they have used them, what their fees are, etc. and get legal advice. NO one can know what they may or may not do down the road and to put this to you at a time like this leads me not to trust them but that is my kneejerk reaction. You need good advice from experts.

[kayc]

I don't think it's uncommon for them to want you to make a decision as to which way you want to go, most businesses don't stop and consider what a hard time this is for you and how impossible it is to make such an important decision right now. Ask them how long before you need to decide. Ask your friends who they've used for financial advice, ask businesses who they've used, if there's any bookkeepers, tax people or accountants you know, who do they recommend.

[feralfae]

Not only ask them how long you have to decide, but have them put it in writing or show you where it states that in the policy: a friend lost her options because she took the word of a secretary, and did not get certain papers filed in time to get what she wanted, as the deadline had passed.

And, yes, definitely get some expertise as soon as you can. Kay's idea of asking around is a very good one.

[MartyT]

Hi again Elly,

I hope this information doesn't come too late for you, but here is my son's response to the situation you described in your post of October 23. (He writes as a well-qualified and highly regarded life insurance agent with 27 years' experience in assisting clients with death claims):

Unfortunately our industry does not do a very good job when it comes to providing counsel to survivors when they have benefits coming their way after a death. It is true that some important (and long lasting) decisions need to be made with regard to the receipt of those benefits. The true value in an insurance policy is the relationship the insured has or had with the agent that sold them the policy in the first place. A good agent will take the time to get to know their client's needs before placing coverage so that when a tragedy strikes, a plan can go into action. Hopefully, when the time comes to pay those benefits, the agent is still involved and can give guidance on what is the appropriate next step. The carrier I represent will place life insurance benefits in an interest-bearing checking account that the beneficiary can use at their discretion (i.e., pay for immediate expenses, transfer to another account, etc). The point is they have
100% access and control at all times. I counsel my clients not to make any immediate decisions that have long term effects until about 6 months after the death of their loved one -- thereby avoiding any rush decisions that were made in the cloud of their grief.

Your member indicates that she is facing some immediate decisions with regard to a payout stream vs lump sum. Without knowing the particulars of the contract her partner bought, I find it VERY unusual for an income option to be contingent on whether she remarries or takes on a new life partner. I have NEVER heard of such a thing in 27
years of assisting with death claims. Again, without knowing her circumstance, I would advise she take the lump sum option ( giving her 100% control) and place it in a liquid account (like a money market fund). I would then advise that she seek counsel from a professional financial advisor that she trusts to make any long term investment decisions.

[Elly57]

thank you Marty. I havent met with the benift guys yet. That is still to happen. So now I will be prepared. I hope to get a clearer picture soon. I shall keep all these things in mind.

Thank you.

Elly

[MartyT]

♥

[Elly57]

OH my goodness

Last night I got the phone call from hell. Funny i knew it was coming. As much as I kidded myself that “no,not them” “no they wouldn't be like that” “i'm just thinking badly of them” and quietly saying sorry for thinking that way about my husbands kids. We both prided myself for my good intuition when looking for tenants for our rental properties. Its never failed me. Why did I thin it was failing me now? I don't know.

Both my husbands kids had me on speaker phone when they called... yup not bad i guess as they both had things to say. I was on my guard. They asked me how my holiday went. ( i left the provence as I couldn't take the constant questioning about keep sakes, belongings and what was happeing about the ashes as the eldest was going back to New Zealand this sunday) Holiday???? no it was to get a way. I went to —23 in Alberta to get away. I should have stayed a few more days i think.

The questions started. Do we have to sign anything before I go back?

Is there any documents I need?

Just wanted to be clear about the ashes and the belongings again

Oh we just wondered if there was anything we needed to know before I went back

You are keeping us in the dark you know

I responded calmly and clearly. As my answers were not what they wanted to hear it continued. I explained to the nothing to sign and all was being taken care of. They then said they could have helped in all this. So I said again there was nothing they could do. I had to deal with selling two properties (rental) while dad was ill and look after him. I had all that the deal with. Line of credit, mortgage, lawyers to sort this and timeline to stick to. They cant do this it was up to me and only me. I couldn't delegate even if I could have. We needed to get this done while dad was still alive. (October 7th he passed)

well we dididnt know what was going on because you kept us in the dark. There wasn't anything to tell you. Neither one of them has yet asked me how I'm doing.

We wanted to know when the reading of the will was going to be as I'm going back to new Zealand in a few days and wanted to know if Dad left us anything. (shock and the shakes set in at the point) my heart and chest was already in such pain from the questioning.

This went on over and over. If you remember we have four children two from husband and two from me. My kids have never asked me anything like this and will not. When i said i was surprised at this questions she said 'well didn't you ask your mum when you farther died if there was anything in his will for you' more shock. No i never even thought about that, my main concern was my mother and was she ok. Her response was ' well i know what in my mothers and stepfather will'. Ok then thats fine. I then explained that the will was set up what mine is his and his is mine. I almost wanted to copy the will and show them. She asked again well 'blood children we thought that he would have left us something. And we want to know what it is if there is anything. Is there anything coming to us“

My husband and i spoke about a $2,000.00 monitory gift. I have put that up to $5,00.00 as i thought that would be better. I haven't told them anything about this and it went in the mail to each of the four children Friday. I told them when I get the gift it will come to them “ when will that be”. Over and over and over again. OH my!

the son then said we we are all grieving here equally. OH that this point i did answer back as they had not allowed me to speak or answer very clearly because they kept jumping in. I said give me the respect to finish what I'm saying please. I told them this is not the same kind of loss and until they lose they life partner they have no idea of what I'm going through. the son then started to shout at me. He has always been so good and now with his sister here pushing him along this is what resulted. I hung up.

I called a mail friend of ours (i thought the male voice would command some authority and they would listen to him) he was happy to call them back to explain and was horrified that they started on him too. Almost a stranger to them and arguing with him. He called me back to tell me this. He said you husband would be discussed to hear them and ashamed and disappointed to see them acting this way. He also asked them to back of and not contact me for a while please. “OH so we shouldn't contact her all all then?” Did I say that? no don't put words into my mouth. He was so surprised. At least now i know if i was a wicked stepmother someone else has heard what I've been going through. I don't feel i can make a decision with a clear head at this time.

I didn't sleep last night at all.

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Elly. I can only imagine how awful this must have been for you. How clever of them to come at you as a twosome instead of individually. Strength in numbers, they obviously thought. I am so sorry. Still, you stuck to your guns and stood up for yourself, and for that you deserve major praise. Good for you. Great for you. I am amazed that you are generous enough to give these "children" anything from their father, much less what many would consider to be a huge chunk of money. You've nothing, absolutely nothing, to apologize for.

I hope the day will come when you can put the memory of this dreadful telephone conversation behind you. For now, please get some well-deserved rest, and know that you've handled this situation with far more dignity and grace than these rude and heartless people deserve. We support you 100%. ♥

[kayc]

I applaud you, Elly, because you've been far more gracious than I would have been. They are lucky to get ANYTHING! Had I mailed them checks, I'd be tempted to stop payment after such a conversation.

I hope the horrid little brats will leave you alone now. I think I could only show respect and courtesy to them out of love for my husband because it surely wouldn't be because of their behavior and values.

Sometimes loss/grief brings out the worst in people...let's only hope that was the case with his children. Let's hope they eventually return to their sanity and remember some of the good example that was set before them. One can only hope.

I'm proud of you for how you handled them. Perhaps now you can block their numbers?

[Elly57]

I'm a little calmer now. im trembling inside but not shaking as much. this is their regrets that i feel are driving them in this way. They should have been more in their fathers life. I cant change them and i never can. They have to deal with this in there own way. I can't cry and be sad for losing my husband. they wont let me. i have to be on my toes all the time to think ahead. I had to ask the funeral home to make sure no one picked up his ashes but me. They wouldn't release them anyway without my authority. So i decided t leave them with the funeral home for now. Incase there were in my house and i couldn't trust them to be alone without supervision.

These are 27 and nearly 32 years of age.

This is the pity and i feel sorry for me section. I feel hurt and disrespected and ashamed of them. I feel used and abused by them. I want to hurt them so badly and give them home truths of how their father felt about the way they had treated him. but i cant and wont. I want to shout if from the roof tops how he was disappointed in them for what ever reason he felt about a situation and how they dealt with certain things. Again I can't and wont. To have that power and not use it makes me feel so frustrated.

I need to take a cleansing breath a few times and tonight my youngest daughter is coming over, we intend to get a pizza, popcorn and a movie. that was our (my husband and my thing to do on a saturday evening) we would chill and sit in our sweats and let the world go by for the evening.

I cant tell you how much it has meant to have all of your support with my troubles. to know I can vent and to all intents and purposes 'bad mouth' these two children and have it validated that its ok to do that. it feels wrong to do but i know I'm right.

Thank you, Thank you, thank you. I'm so please i stumbled on this forum. it was meant to be, an omen. i love it.

[MartyT]

♥

[kayc]

You are entitled to feel as you do about his children, they've earned that. You are taking the high road, not telling them how their dad really felt, I doubt there's any good would come of it anyway. What's done is done, they can't make up to him for what they didn't do when he was alive.

I'm sorry you can't have his ashes with you. They really have no business coming in your house except by your invitation. They don't have keys to it, do they? If they do, I'd get the locks changed. Do you have a security system? They're amiss thinking they're entitled to something. My mom recently passed and us girls got nothing, not even a memento...my brother was her sole heir. It's not that we had a falling out with her or anything, it's just she was raised to think only boys were of value. Sad. I've had to live without any of her stuff to remember her by...as we've told each other, no one can take our memories of her (unless we get dementia too, in which case, we probably wouldn't know).

I'm glad your daughter is coming over, it sounds like she is a great comfort to you.

[Elly57]

this is getting to be quite the saga.....UPDATE!!!!!! i went to my financial advisor today to clarify some things and found out from him that both my husbands children. (27 and 32) called him the day before they called me to to find out if there was anything for them to sign or sort of dads finances............I'm still pacing around in a lot of anger that they would put someone of such a professional standard in that position to say no it nothing to do with them, and for him to have to tel me that too. Along with the fact they are tarnishing their dads memory and that they thought so little of me to be hiding something from them and, and, and, and they don't want to come across and money grabbing. Wow that boat has sailed now. I know now they have probably spoken to my husbands family too to find out things and most likely painted me out to be the Merry Widow. wonderful.

That is such a confidentiality breach for my advisor to even consider telling them anything about us. (by the way they too have some finances held with our advisor too) I

Wow! is all i can say. I really, really want to hurt them. I don't want to let this go but have no idea how to deal with this. they have steped over the line or acceptability now.

[kayc]

I assume your husband left a will that left you everything or the bulk of everything and they won't be able to dispute it or challenge it. Push the "ignore" button with his kids. You were generous to do anything for them at all! I am so sorry.

[Elly57]

consider the ignore button well and truly pushed. Grrrrrr.......

[kayc]

♥ Good for you!

[Gracie]

I am so sorry for the situation you are going through. The death of our loved ones and trying to work through it day to day is hard enough. When we had my husbands funeral- we only had it because I knew his family would want the closure even though my husband had always told me that he didn't want people to grieve he wanted them to celebrate his life. I let the family have the funeral however, I think I was still the bad guy in the end because I wouldn't let many family members do a eulogy at the funeral-these eulogies would have only focused on all of the bad things that had happened to him throughout his life, we've heard them so many times before at other family members funerals. My husband left his grandmother's funeral so angry because of the eulogies they prepared. They always dwelled on the bad things never the good thing. I also would not let certain family members on his side of the family be there-my husband had nothing to do with them in his life because of many past situations and I certainly didn't want to deal with them during the loss. There was certainly a lot to deal with at that time.

Please take care of yourself, remember what is important to you matters the most! Continue to have pizza nights now and then with your daughter and relax and enjoy them.

[kayc]

Gracie, Wow! You must have been glad when that was over with! My husband was one of 11 children and only two of his siblings came to his funeral...his dad didn't even come! And all but one live within a couple of hours. I was upset at the time that they didn't care enough to attend, but maybe I was lucky not to have the drama!

[Elly57]

oh Gracie.......you too? I'm so sorry. I was feeling sorry for myself and I know others have difficulties as well. I have come to the conclusion that I now have to consider where it was coming from. I'm just collateral damge for my stepdaughters guilt. I'm in the firing line but I wish she hadnt set the rest of the family up to start taking sides. She is so young in her thinking (32) of how the world is. At the end of the day I'm honnering my husband and I know he would be proud of me.

He would have been so upset with her. I'm just glad she lives in New Zealand. its just a shame she has left such destruction in her wake.

She chose to take herself out of the family dynamic in her teenage years because she didn't have her fathers ear. She hasn't worked through her problems from then. I only have control over what I have control over. Done.

It really is easy said than done. I know the full story and i feel that is good enough for me right now.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you also. I'm sure there are others out there too. Take comfort that we are not alone. Take comfort that we are here to support you too with our stories.

I admire your strenght to get through your troubles. telling people not to attend must have been really tough. but why use this as a day you can bad mouth someone, no that is totally wrong. You loved your husband and you know the full story too. i have found coming here and voicing my views and thoughts have only validated im not going crazy and my thought process is not off balance. We are just greiving, and should be allowed to do so in our own way. So long as it doesnt hurt anyone else.

keep your chin up Gracie, Yup Pizza night tonight.

Oh KayC you too. Grrrrrrrrrrrr........ it gets me so mad. hummmm....Drama. this is not a good time for drama. I feel that my tongue has teeth marks in it from biting it so many times.

Thank you all for your support.

Elly