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Fiancee Wants Time To Grieve/break-Up?

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Hello. This is my first time posting on this forum, I hope some of you can help me.

My girlfriend and I have been together for seven years and we were due to get married in 1 years time. We met after i finished university and she was just starting so we're both still in our 20s. Weve been engaged for some time now and we are in the midst of planning our wedding. We have a lovely home and pets we adore together. She is the most wonderful person I have ever met, beautiful, caring and so clever. We're not a couple who fight and I try to always put her first; although, we're plenty good at compromise.

Last night she told me that she needs time to herself because she has never fully grieved for her mother who passed away when she was a teenager. She has very rarely spoken of her mother to me or anyone else, she has tried so hard to be strong and focus on her studies and her career. I want her to speak to someone but she doesn't like counsellors or psychologists. I fear that although we're apart she still won't be able to grieve because of her work (she works 8.30 to 8 during the week). I understand she needs to grieve and the wedding is too much, but surely we could have gotten through this together rather than her being alone....

This came as a total surprise because we almost never argue, do plenty of things together and on our own. I had NO idea this was coming. Just 4 days ago we were talking freely about house renovations and wedding plans. She said, and I believe her completely, that there is nobody else and she hasn't cheated. She was saying that she wants her own place because she's always been doing what she thinks other people want. She was talking about selling our house in a couple of months. She said that she wants me to move on because she might not be ready in months or several years! She said that it wasn't me that's wrong its just her, saying that there was nothing more she could have wanted in a boyfriend. She said that we were more friends of late but i'm not sure if shes being genuine or intentionally pushing me away. She wants us to remain friends because she can't imagine not spending time together. I just don't understanD.

So I feel as if the very ground has been taken from under my feet and i'm tumbling. I don't know what to do. I'm hopelessly and irrevocably in love with her, she is my soulmate and I can't bear to lose her. I get that I need to give her space and not text/call her, but what else can I do to a) grieve for her mother and B) help her realise we can work on this together.

I know you all must be really busy so any advice/comforting words would be hugely appreciated.

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I am sorry you are in this situation, you are surely grieving yourself. It's not something easy to explain, let alone understand. My fiance broke up with me when his mom was dying, like you, I didn't see it coming. I was blindsided. It's now over four years later and we're friends, but we won't be getting back together. I know he couldn't do our relationship at the same time as he was caregiving and grieving, yet it struck a huge blow to our relationship...it destroyed my trust and feeling of security in our relationship. I would have given him space had he asked for it. I would have waited, but to be just cast aside, that was hard. It broke my heart. I have forgiven him and done my best to understand, but nothing is the same any more. He has not tried to get me back although I know he still cares for me. This is usually how it goes, although there can always be an exception and I think in all of these threads here, there was one couple that made it through.

I'm sorry she won't go to a grief counselor because they would be her best bet at making it through the muddle of grief, they are experienced and trained in grief and in helping one move through it. You can't change her or make her do anything, you can only help yourself through what you have to go through and you will have your hands full with that.

Try to take good care of yourself, eat healthy, drink plenty of water, try to get enough sleep. If you can't sleep, see a doctor about it. Exercise, take walks, all of this will help you feel your optimum and give you the best chance at positive survival. Avoid alcohol as it's a depressant that you don't need, and won't help or change anything. Surround yourself with supportive positive people. Part of this could be cold feet due to the wedding, but the rest just what she says it is.

Also it'd be a good time to take a class, keep busy, renew a hobby, etc. It helps you recover a zest for life and discover anew who YOU are, apart from the other person.

It is up to you whether you can handle being "friends"...I'd recommend taking a break for a few months to heal before trying to see, correspond, text, etc. each other. It's not fair to you to keep you in the emotional roller coaster. You actually have a better chance of recovery of she has a chance to miss you anyway.

How long has her mom been gone?

I take it she's moved out and you're still in the house you bought together? Can you rent out a room so you don't have to lose it or do you need to sell it so she can get her half of the investment? It's good to have time to make such important decisions, but sometimes circumstances don't give that time.

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