Lost My Mother, Now I'm A Lost Daughter

[Cassie]

On August 17th, my mother died suddenly at 50 years old. She was not sick, and nobody saw this coming.

I'm 23 years old. I have moments when I am absolutely lost. These last couple pf days, I've felt okay emotionally, but I've become sick. I've been fighting off colds for over a month, and now I've just let myself get sick. It's a strange illness, unlike anything I've felt before. I have extreme body aches and a low fever and my throat will feel like it's closing up once in a while, especially in the morning.

A few minutes ago, I was crying because I miss her more now that I'm sick. I thought of all the things she would do for me, even though I never would have asked for anything. And I keep thinking about how much I just want to hug her. I know that these moments will pass and that suffering is temporary, but while I'm in the moments, crying and feeling lost, it's like there's a tornado that's engulfed me and I can barely hold on to something that keeps me from getting caught up and blown away.

My mother was my absolute best friend, and there's nothing that she didn't know about me. I have lost not only my mother, but the friendship we had. The person she held me to be has died with her, and there is a hole in my life. She was biggest of many pillars holding up my life, and now that pillar has crumbled, and I'm struggling to hold those parts of my life up. I try not to dwell on the "never" and "never again" thoughts, but sometimes I can't help it. She won't see my wedding or her grandchildren or my accomplishments. I can't call her when I miss her, or hug her on Christmas, or hear her singing or whistling in the kitchen.

I am hoping for ways to better handle these moments.

[kayc]

I'm so sorry, it's very hard to lose your mom when you're so young. There are others here going through loss of parent when they're young, I hope you'll take the time to read some of the other threads. There's some links Marty posted that would be very helpful.

My mom passed away Aug. 21 but she was 92 and had dementia...we expected it and had time to mentally prepare for it as much as one can, yet even so, the finality sinks in, and I know what you say about the "never", that is the finality that is hard to absorb.

I think your mom prepared you to be the person you are to ready you for this day, as much as you can be. She may not be here physically as you get married and have children, but I believe she'll be aware and know of your accomplishments and big moments. Their energy lives on and they continue not only in our memories, but inside of us, they are a part of us...how can they not be when they were such a big part of our existence and who we are?

I'm sorry you're sick...I hope you'll imagine your mom putting her arms around you and allow her to bring you comfort.

[maria53577]

Cassie, I am so very sorry for the loss of your mom.. I too lost my mom on June 27 of this year. She was 63.. it's been 4 months and to this day, I miss her dearly.. during the past 4 months I have had moments when I can't eat, I break down and cry or I'm angry.. I think everything you are feeling is so normal, yet so painful..

For a while now I had felt disappointed b/c I didn't feel as tho she was 'with me' ..but lately I see her in most everything.. I think our grief can be so heavy at times that it's hard to climb out from under that.. I hear songs that remind me of her, images, dreams and just an overall sense of her.. and while it makes me happy, I can break down and cry b/c of it too.

I think the hardest thing is not being able to pick up the phone and call her.. I am certain this is the same with you..

Take each day as it comes.. something like this changes you forever.. and while you will never forget, you will start to heal. I'm so happy to hear you speak of your mom as your best friend.. she must have felt the same way about you.. what a beautiful gift to have shared between the 2 of you..

Take care of yourself and give yourself permission to grieve. Hugs to you.