mfh Posted November 3, 2014 Report Share Posted November 3, 2014 Dear Members, It has been a year now that I have been assisting Marty as a moderator and administrator at this site, that after being a member since 2010. As you know I loss the love of my life 4 1/2 years ago. It will be 5 years on March 27, 2015...just under five months from now. I do not know where those years have gone but I believe I have been true to my healing journey and I am a different person than I was 5 years ago. I have walked the labyrinth of grief being as faithful as I can to my own grief work. That grief work is beckoning to me right now in a new way and in order to be fair to myself and my own healing, I need to step away from moderating the forums for an unknown length of time or forever (I do not know which) and give my full attention to what lies in front of me...i.e. a journey inward that started this morning when I opened the door and crossed the threshold into whatever lies ahead. This leg of my journey is not totally about my grief and loss of Bill as it is about my need to focus deeply on all of who I am and on being the best me I can be as I build a life of meaning and purpose and hopefully joy. I am both looking forward to exploring this space that is in front of me and I am intimidated by it since I have no clue what lies across that threshold that I stepped across this morning. I have done inward journeys all my adult life so they are not new but this one is, like no other, unknown but somehow bigger and deeper for I have a sense of where it is leading me. I trust what is to be found ultimately will be peace, a quieter me, and a clearer vision of my own path. But what it will demand of me to follow this leg of the labyrinth of grief is unknown. I do also feel excited about it because I know I will grow and feel more whole by retreating for a while. I was not ready to do this even a year ago. Being a therapist did not make my loss of Bill any easier than it is for anyone else. I have been a therapist since 1976 (and a teacher previous to that for 14 years) and have worked with many people's loss but have never taken a sabbatical for me except in the final months of Bill's life when, as his caregiver over five years, it was no longer good for me, (my clients or Bill) for me to be seeing clients. Helping people is a passion as well as an honor and a gift. Sharing people's journeys through life and loss is what I do and who I am. I plan during the coming months to put aside my professional studies that are always ongoing and my work and do a retreat-like sabbatical. The coming winter months are a perfect time for this but frankly, I feel I do not have a choice about the matter if I am to be a person who is true to myself, authentic, peace-filled, and whole. To each of you who are grieving and especially those whose loss is so new, I urge you (when the time is right) to take time and solitude, journal and listen to your own voice and walk into your pain each day or whenever it calls to you. You WILL heal (something you can define for yourselves) but it takes more than time. It is work, work with a huge pay off. It demands patience to be wherever you are at any given time. It is more an art than a discipline. I struggled with my own lack of patience as I wrestled with the gut wrenching pain of losing Bill. Now I am at a place where being right where I am feels right even when where I am is in the midst of pain. I carry each of you in my heart always and pray that healing comes to each and every one of you....as I know it can and will. I also know we will all miss our beloveds forever. Grief does not end but it certainly becomes easier to carry and live with if we walk the walk and awaken. I know you can heal because you are here seeking healing, seeking assistance and sharing. You are walking the walk....painful as it is. Thank you for your sharing and openness and for all you do and have done to assist each other (and me) on your paths. Do continue to be there for yourselves and for each other in this healing place. I will drop back in. I just do not know when. I am planning to make this chapter of healing my top priority for an unknown period of time. By doing so I will be a far more effective wounded healer and a better person. If I ignore this voice that is calling me, I won't be authentic, helpful to me or to anyone else. This morning I drove a distance to a labyrinth that I walk occasionally. I walked it today as a ritual to begin this retreat. I carried each of you with me and always will. Peace to you, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted November 3, 2014 Report Share Posted November 3, 2014 Mary, I wish you every blessing possible. We will miss you. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted November 3, 2014 Report Share Posted November 3, 2014 Sometimes in our journey of life we find we need to stop and take an account of where we have been and where we are going. This is true in grief. Those who have lost loved ones are changed and just as it takes work to grieve it also takes work to find out who we are now. Mary, as you go on your journey inward know that you are not alone. We walk with you as you have walked with us. Peace to your heart, Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 3, 2014 Report Share Posted November 3, 2014 My dear Mary, you already know that I love you and I wish you Godspeed on your journey. We carry you in our hearts, just as we know you are carrying us. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted November 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 3, 2014 Dear Jan, I thank you for your wish of blessings. I will also miss being here. It is very very difficult for me to step back. Thank you. Anne, Your choice of graphics is perfect as are your words. You are exactly right...finding out who we are following a huge loss that is life and soul changing is critical. Thank you for being there for me as I am for all here. My dear Marty, Yes, I do know you love me as I love you. We are a good team. I thank you for your support of my journey. We will stay in touch, of course. I carry you in my heart as always. You already know how hard this is for me...to walk away and do my own walk. We will celebrate the pay off some day. I plan to journal my trek. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ADH Posted November 3, 2014 Report Share Posted November 3, 2014 Dear Mary: I wish you the very best. Your assistance and guidance has helped me so much and I am so glad that you are going to work on you now. I am sure you will find this to be a wonderful time of self discovery and healing. God Bless You! Audra Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 3, 2014 Report Share Posted November 3, 2014 Mary, Being true to yourself is most important and I wish you well on this next leg of your journey. We do hope you'll drop in now and then and let us know how you and Bentley are. We love and appreciate you and wish nothing but the best for you. Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted November 3, 2014 Report Share Posted November 3, 2014 Dear Mary, The blessing of your presence here with us has been manifold. Each day ahead of you, I hope you find joy and new insights on your inward journey. Having the courage to turn inward to find and explore who you are today is a challenge and and a gift, and having the awareness to pursue this new journey is admirable. I hope each of us here, as we continue on our own journeys, will be able to carry your courage and grace with us. Thank you for your presence, for your wisdom, and for your loving compassion for each of us. Thank you for your constancy, your caring, and your kindnesses. You continue to be a shining example of how to make this journey, of how to be open to the path, and of how to move in new directions when we are called. Thank you. Much Love, fae ps Okay, all that is the lovely, polite side of how wonderful our Mary is, but gosh! I am going to miss having her here to guide and share, to comfort and mirror. Mary, your presence will be greatly missed, and I hope if you are ever so inspired, you will stop by and leave a note for us. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted November 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 3, 2014 Audra, thank you for your message. I did not respond to your personal message of thanks yesterday because I knew I was going to post that I am stepping back for now. I wish you the best on your journey. YOU CAN do this...!! Kay, thank you. Yes, I am deeply in need of a life review and an inward journey. I thank you and if anything happens to Bentley, I will notify everyone. It is very difficult for me to step back....so tempting it will be to check in and catch up but I plan to take one day at a time keeping my top goal in mind...an examined life. fae, thank you so much. I feel humbled. It has, for the last few months, been increasingly difficult to separate my own journey from all of yours and of course, being human, getting involved with other people's journeys makes it easy to ignore our own. Hence my decision to step back and deal with myself...exciting and frightening as it will be. I see a winter of solitude (for the most part) ahead. I am working with someone who will mirror me and listen as I explore this place I have now entered. I will drop in at some point that feels right. You are all so special and I have such admiration for what you have chosen to do: walk the walk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeL Posted November 4, 2014 Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 Ditto on all the heartfelt thanks and appreciation shared above. Mary, I applaud you and your re-direction. Bravo. Walk gently, Jo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted November 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 Thank you, Jo. I will walk gently and please do the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted November 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 I believe that following a huge loss, it helps at some point on the journey (and we will know when) there stands a door to our futures that we must open. We take our pain with us, of course, as we venture into that world. We also take those we love with us and slowly, one day at a time, we will discover our new selves- changed, yes, by all that has been. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted November 4, 2014 Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 Mary, I love the door. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohsosad Posted November 4, 2014 Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 Mary, I guess Bentley is the only one happy about this!!! More time for him!!! Seriously, I am already feeling the loss. (Not more loss, please!!!) I am in such a bad, bad place now that it adds to my personal pain to lose you, but I will continue to look for help from Marty and all our comrades here. I do indeed need alot of help. My counselor yesterday suggested I get on an anti-depressant and see him more than once a week. I guess that says something. Since I expect everyone is reading this topic after seeing Mary's announcement, I will ask my question here - what is everyone's opinion of using anti-depressants? I feel it will be a crutch - a cover-up - and will just be a delay tactic in dealing with the pain. Am I wrong? I snuck this in this evening just to be sure to get Mary's opinion before she leaves!!! Rita Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 4, 2014 Report Share Posted November 4, 2014 Rita, my dear, while I fully understand and support her decision, I am quite aware that Mary's leaving will be difficult for many of us, and we all share in your feeling so acutely the loss of her. Still, I have great faith in this community, and I know that we will pull together to support one another as we cope with this and all our other losses. I assume that your counselor is skilled and experienced in grief and loss, knows you and your history, and that you trust his judgment. That said, I think it's wise to arm yourself with information as you decide whether to take antidepressant medication. So I invite you to do some reading on the subject. Begin with this article, and make sure to see the Related Articles beneath the post as well: Interview: Are We Medicating Normal Grief? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted November 5, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2014 Dear Rita, I am so sorry my absence feels so heavy to you. Keep in mind, regarding your grief and loss that Marty is far more experienced than I in the world of grief. Her wisdom is bottomless, her compassion endless and between her and the members you are in great hands. As for me, I will be a far better grief counselor after I take this time to deal with me. I know you are in great pain but I also know you are surrounded by the best people I have ever met and coupled with your counselor...and drawing on your own strengths and determination to heal...you will be fine. As far as the meds go, what Marty said is exactly what i would have said to you. I hold you and everyone in my heart. This is my last post for a long while but you all travel with me as I journey inwards (the longest journey we ever take but so worth while). Peace to your heart, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohsosad Posted November 6, 2014 Report Share Posted November 6, 2014 Marty, After reading some of the resources you provided, my hesitancy to take an anti-depressant has increased. I think I will go with my original feeling to not take it. By the way, my counselor is a hospice pastor and is not a grief specialist (other than doing alot of hospice work). Not being a physician, he also does not know my medical history. I think I scared him the other day when I couldn't stop crying!! So he suggested drugs!! I hope others will chime in here about their thoughts on using anti-depressants in grief. I would appreciate more input. Rita Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 6, 2014 Report Share Posted November 6, 2014 Rita, my dear, I know some of our other members will respond to your question in time. Meanwhile, just so you know, this topic has been discussed before in our forums. See, for example, these threads: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted November 6, 2014 Report Share Posted November 6, 2014 I think if I were considering anti-depressants, I would seek out first of all a grief counselor with experience and good credentials, and spend a few sessions to find out if my grief is normal, or is truly in need of medication. Then I would ask for a referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in grief treatment as well. Grief and depression seem so much alike to me in so many ways. I think many of us here spent a lot of time in tears the first year or more. I used to ask my grief counselor if I was losing my mind, because my grief was so deep and constant. Not only was she a greif counselor, but had lost her husband after caring for him through 5 years of progressive Alzheimer's disease. She repeatedly assured me that my grief was well within the normal range. One of the grief support counselors (hospice but not grief trained) suggested anti-depressants, but when I talked to my grief counselor, she kept gently suggesting I wait a few more weeks. And she was right: with time and lots of emotional support, including here, eventually, I made it so far without medications. But everyone is different. We each need to find our own path on this grief journey. So, I want to suggest that you talk with a qualified, certified grief counselor before you make any decisions. I don't know it that is any help or not, but please be gentle with yourself and find the best, most highly-qualified people you can find to help you through this time. Blessings and *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted November 6, 2014 Report Share Posted November 6, 2014 I knew very little about taking any medication for depression, but I have heard over and over again that when someone is grieving often times it is mistaken for depression. Some even think grief, if it lasts too long, is a mental illness! This first article offers a chart that separates the two ~ grief/depression Should We Medicate Grief? http://www.calebwilde.com/2013/01/should-we-medicate-grief/ The second article brings up the importance of knowing who is prescribing the drug for you. You don’t want to accept a prescription medicine for depression from your Primary Care doctor if all you’re doing is grieving. Medicating Grief http://www.abelkeogh.com/blog/widower/widower-wednesday/medicating-grief/ The bottom line with me is to be aware of what’s going on and get the help you need. Having a good Grief Counselor who knows about normal grief is the best direction to go. If grief is not following the normal pattern then you will be guided to someone who can help you. Actually, I think all of us who have lost a loved one are depressed ~ but I don’t think we need pills ~ I think we need love, understanding, hugs, and a place to share. For me, this is a good place to be because it is a place of healing. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 6, 2014 Report Share Posted November 6, 2014 Wise suggestions from all ~ thank you. And Rita, as mentioned in this article, I think the word "sorrow" is a more accurate term than "depression" when describing normal grief: Coping with Sorrow in Grief Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 7, 2014 Report Share Posted November 7, 2014 I like how you put that, Marty. It's true that we may FEEL depressed, but depression is a clinical term, whereas our grief is a normal and natural response to loss. So while we may FEEL depressed, it is actually GRIEF and we don't need our brains altered, we just need to process and traverse our journey. It IS natural, even while it may FEEL anything but! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 7, 2014 Report Share Posted November 7, 2014 Yes, Kay ~ Exactly! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohsosad Posted November 14, 2014 Report Share Posted November 14, 2014 Thank you all for your input on this. I will leave the drugs for someone else. Rita Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted December 12, 2014 Report Share Posted December 12, 2014 My dear Mary, I am not sure you will see this. It has taken me all this time to find the place where you posted about being away. I will surely miss the "other" Mary a great deal. Hopefully you might drop in from time to time. Praying your journey inward is rewarding and exactly what you need. You will be in my heart. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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