A Journey Inward

[mfh]

Dear QMary (and all),
For some reason (I do not investigate) I get sporadic alerts to posts on the forum. I got this one from you, Mary, this morning. So I am taking this opportunity to do what I said, I.e. Drop in once in a while. We never know what is behind a closed door until we open it and as I open the one in front of me these days, I see that though I have done a great deal of grief work since Bill died going on five years in March, and know I have been there for others, I have neglected to care for my own body. That is tops on my list as medical visits, blood tests etc. Have demanded and gotten my attention and alerted me to the reality that if I do not take better care of this body that has been such a faithful servant, I will be in deep trouble. So along with journaling, meditating, saying no when appropriate, doing yoga, seeing friends when I choose to, etc. I now find myself committed to bodily self care to reverse the results of these past ten years (five of caregiving and almost five of grief).

I know I made the right decision to step back for a long while but it was not easy and it created a hole I had to embrace and have. I miss all of you. As we all approach the holidays and basically live inside of them these past and coming weeks, try to remember in your pain that they pass. This year is much easier for me, though still painful, than the last four holiday seasons have been. Starting a new year without the person you lost being with you physically is hard, I know that. Talk to that person, get yourself a gift s/he would have gotten you and cherish it. Cry your tears...they are a healing agent.

Bentley continues to be stable. My vet friend was here for Thanksgiving and got to see him over many hours. His lymph nodes are larger than when she was here in August (blood tests confirm more cancerous lymphocytes) but far from what they could become. His immune system is sluggish and healing some recent hot spots and ear infections has taken time...and a cone he hates. His energy is decent for an 11year old 80 pound dog with cancer. He sleeps a lot but enjoys our daily walks (when there is no ice or deep snow) and is playful and clingy with me. I adore him and I know I live in anticipatory grief as I know every day is a gift and losing him will be the second worst loss of my life, this in spite of losing parents, my closest of closest girlfriends and of course, Bill. He is my buddy and my link to Bill.

Take care of yourselves. Honor your pain and walk into it. Then distract yourselves a bit when that is possible. Get outside. Drink tea and water. I know many of you are dealing with health issues. I see these occasional posts and they always seem to be the ones I need to see. I hold you in my heart and prayers as you go through surgeries, tests, and pain.

Peace to all of you. And QMary, thank you for your note and love. I know your sister is still in trouble and hold all of your family in my heart.

With love and wishes for presence and healing,
Mary

[kayc]

Good to hear from you, Mary. I was about to hunt you down and ask how Bentley was, now I won't have to. You're doing right by taking care of you. Everything in my body seems to be falling apart at once and I've had to put getting me healthy on the top of my list. Wishing you and Bentley a good Christmas!

[MartyT]

Such a lovely message from our dear Mary ~ which serves as a reminder of how much her daily presence is missed by all of us here. Still, what a wonderful example she is setting for all of us. We cannot take loving care of others unless and until we are willing to take loving care of ourselves first. ♥

[enna]

Thank you for stopping by, Mary. You continue to be an inspiration to us. Know that we are with you as you care for Bentley as he is part of our family.

I for one honor you for your inward journey and do believe that caring for ourselves helps us to be caring to others.

[Wifflesnook]

I miss our dear Mary so much. More than any one or anything she spoke to me in my early days of loss. Today I'm feeling particularly vulnerable. I was helped to see Mary's post. Jan

[kayc]

Jan,

The people who were here when I first came are all gone, it means so much when they stop by. Our Mary is missed so much here, but I do understand her feeling the need to attend to herself, I think she leads by example.