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Seven Months And Two Days


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I lost my husband, on April 10, 2014. The worst day of my life. My worst nightmare come to life. Poof, he just didn't wake up. I loved and cared for him for 27 years. He was only 46. My husband suffered from mental illness. The last few years were particularly difficult. He sometimes had a tendency to not want to feel. That meant taking a few more pills than he should have. This was an issue for me for quite some time. It wasn't something he always did. The pills were the only thing that made the panic attacks, and the "monsters" go away. I was always so torn. I would get angry, and sad, and lonely whenever he would just check out. On the other hand, how do you tell the person you love that they can't have the only thing they feel gives them relief. The morning he passed, I was pretty irritated with him. I could tell he had taken too many pills. I went to wake him, he had a doctor appointment. When I got to the bedroom door, silence. I tried to wake him, my daughter called 911. We started CPR, paramedics arrived, it was too late.

I have an incredible support team. I'm close to my family, and they have been so caring and supportive of both myself and my daughter. I have friends, that I'm in contact with every day. Even with all of this love, and support, I have never been so lonely in my life. As supportive as everyone has been, they don't have the experience to understand. I'm at a place where I don't feel like I can be honest about how miserable I am every single day. No one wants to hear, that while I'm getting used to my new normal, it still hurts just as bad as it did the first day. When I do voice my pain, I get short answers, "I'm so sorry " "it's not fair". They have absolutely no idea what to do with me. I have no idea what to do with myself.

So here I am. A member of the worst club ever. I came to this forum hoping to find some understanding, and ears that know what it feels like to have your entire body ache with longing and pain. Not one of us wants to belong to this horrible club. It's at least comforting to know we're not alone.

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You have come to the right place, my dear, I assure you. This is one place where you can bare your soul without fear of being judged, and where you will find yourself among kindred spirits who will listen to whatever you have to say for as long as you need to say it. I am so sorry for the reason that brought you here ~ but I know that you'll be welcomed with open arms and caring hearts.

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I am so sorry for your loss. I know all too well the nightmare you are experiencing. I lost my husband of 38 years 2 months ago. I am glad you have a good support system. Unfortunately, as you say, they just don't really understand how incredibly painful this is. They think because it has diminished for them that we should be ok. I honestly can say I feel no better now than I did 2 months ago, maybe worse. It is so hard to get up each day. This forum is where you can express all those feelings and be heard and understood. Everyone here has gone through the same horrible thing. We have all lost the one person that was our everything. You will find compassionate people that will share their stories. I find I hear so much of what I go through is the same for many others. it is very comforting to know we are not alone. I wish you peace and comfort.

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Annalou,

I am so sorry you lost your husband so prematurely. Everything you said is so right, people can't understand if they haven't been there, but it does sound like you have a caring family around, that will be a great help to you even though it doesn't replace your husband...nothing does.

This place has been a life support for me and many others here. It helps to have a safe place to vent, feel heard and understood. Each of those here add another dimension to our perspective, as well as their encouragement and support. I hope you'll continue to come here, you're not alone.

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I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. This site for almost 9 years has been my saving grace. The support and letting me vent (which was pretty ugly) was my only place to go. Family and friends could not cope with seeing me in my grief much less understand what it feels like. I'm so glad you found this site, it will provide you comfort over the coming months and years. Deborah

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Hi Annlou,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband on April 10. I know you hear, and have heard, that same sentence from so many people on this unwanted journey. The difference when we, from this forum say it, is that it comes with a true deep sorrow that we all understand from feeling the heartache and despair of losing our beloved. Your husband's death would have been Al and my 31st wedding anniversay, but he passed away in February. We have all found this site because we needed to find this site - a place to come for solace, for venting, for affirmation and for comfort. It is so important, I have found, to learn about grief and Marty has provided those much needed resources throughout this site. If you haven't explored the site fully, may I suggest that one night when you can't sleep (most nights for me), you take some time for exploration?

Annalou, I hope you find rest, comfort and peace today as you continue on your journey knowing that you have all of us thinking of you today. Sue

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Hello Annalou,

Stopping in to say that I am so very sorry for your loss. You are indeed at a place where we know about grief. There are so many of us on this journey.

As others have said ~ this is a safe place where we express ourselves and allow the love and comfort that comes from others here to embrace us and sit with us.

I am so glad that you have a good support team around you. This is vital for healing our broken hearts.

Anne

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Hi Annalou,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my precious Jim on October 2nd and have been traveling this journey of grief since before he passed away, due to a 68 day hospital stay. Like everyone else here, he was my great love, my rock and my strength. Although only married for 15+ years, we were very close, like ONE. I have never been so depressed, so filled with grief, anger, anxiety, depression, etc., as I am feeling now. I am mostly alone in my grief, although I do have some family living nearby, but they have their own lives to live and can't be with me all the time. I also am still working and find some solace in being away from the home we shared, which is filled with so much of him. I hope that one day I can feel comfortable in my own home, but right now, everything in it is a painful reminder of what I no longer have....HIM. Like you, I also feel that people are afraid to speak to me, to ask me how I am doing, for fear of hearing the truth, that I still love him, even more than ever, I still miss him so very much and I don't have some sort of disease that will heal itself in time, with a prescription or with words. My standard response when asked how I am doing, is "as well as can be expected, under the circumstances". I let it drop at that, fearing the really don't want to know that I cry all the time and my heart aches with so much grief, it is unbearable. Although it has been six weeks ago today, for me it seems only yesterday. Some days, I feel I am actually going backwards. I feel like the old adage, one step forward, two steps back. That's me, perfectly!

Hugs to you,

Linda

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Oh Linda, six weeks into this is still so raw emotionally. I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband and how your heart is aching. I'm 9 months into grieving over the loss of my husband and I was trying to recall my feelings at six weeks and it's really difficult. As people have stated, you're in a fog most of the time it seems like; and although you make it through each day somehow, it's hard to remember what actually occurred during the day. I thought I was handling my grief pretty well until I hit the 6-7 month mark. The veil of denial seemed to have lifted and I was hit hard with the reality that Al would not be returning. I found out from others on this site that that seems to be a common timeframe for reality to set in mainly because all the "busy work" that follows a loved one's death and cards and phone calls seem to cease and we are left with just our thoughts and now undeniable grief. I can honestly say, though, that at nine months, while I still have some awful days, I can see the sunrise again and appreciate the beginning of a new day a little more often than I did at six weeks.

I hope you find comfort from this forum as you continue on this never-ending journey of grief. -Sue

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Thank you all, so very much. In reading your responses, I was looking back. Gosh at six weeks I was still just walking in circles. Eating what was handed to me. Going through the motions. I realized the other day, I had been searching and searching, I didn't know for what. Then it hit me, I was searching for an end to all of this. An end that will not come. I miss him every minute of every day. We were only 19 when we found each other. We grew up together. Made an amazing person together. We were two that became one. Now I'm just one. I don't like being one. It's hard to imagine doing this for the rest of my life.

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Annalou, I am so very sorry for your loss. You do seem to have good support in friends and family, and that helps, but you are right that they do not understand unless they have also traveled this road. I have been on this journey since January, 2010, when I lost my Mike to a massive coronary. I found this place in April, 2010, where we are all on the same journey, and all understand the pain and grief. This site has saved my sanity.

You said: "It's hard to imagine doing this for the rest of my life". Annalou, just don't look that far ahead, just focus on a day or a week at a time, do not try to imagine what the rest of your life will be. For one thing, none of us know what is in store for the future, and when you try to imagine one, two, three years out, without the person that made life worthwhile for us, then you will be overwhelmed. Just focus on present, and do the best you can.

Linda, you are so new on this journey, and I know your grief is so raw. I can barely remember those first few months after Mike died. Sue is correct, the first few weeks, maybe months are a fog. I had the added complication of having just had a Total Knee replacement, and was on pain meds, and still feeling the effects of anesthesia when Mike died. Holding all of you in my heart, hoping you know that here you can say anything and someone will be "listening". Along with Mary and Marty, there are many wonderful people on this site, many who have been on this journey a long time, and have much wisdom and comfort to offer. People who totally "get" what you are going through!

QMary

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Hi Annalou,

I am new to this website as well. I lost my husband 14 months ago at the age of 37 and I still miss him terribly. Up until about a year before he died we did almost everything together from the time we met 21 years ago. In the year or so before he died he changed. He was suffering from depression and had become addicted to pain medication due to a shoulder injury. He was not the same man I married. But I always hoped he would get better and our life would go back to what it should be. He used to always tell me that me and our kids were the most important people in his life, we were his life. I struggle so hard with the fact that he is gone and everything we talked, planned and used to do is gone now.

The day he died we hadn't really talked to each other for almost a week. We would answer each others questions, but that was about it. I had begun to realize that when he was in one of his "evil" moods it was best to just let him work it out instead of trying to talk to him about it. We had some pretty awful arguments during those times that I tried to talk to him because it always came down to it being "my fault" even though I knew all of it wasn't. I would just accept it so that we could move on.

The last thing he said to me that morning when he dropped me and my car off at work was that he needed a lighter (there more that happened in this moment but too much to type about). I gave him his lighter and walked away. That was the last time I saw him alive and my heart breaks that is the last thing he said to me. I do know that he loved me and our kids very much, but his demons became much stronger than any of us thought. However, if there was any day I could take back it would be 09/11/2013.

Please stay strong for you and your daughter, my children have been my rock and I know I am theirs (they've even said so :)).

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Oh Gracie, how hard! I think both of you knew, though, that there was a core of love underneath all that was happening, and all that was responded to. You realize that core even now as you're missing the man you married.

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Gracie my heart goes out to you. I understand depression, and pill dependence all too well. My husband was bipolar, and also had borderline personality disorder. I walked to hell and back more than once with him. Like I said before the last years of his life were quite difficult. We fought so much, it was terrible. One thing I learned from living with someone with mental illness, is that depression, and demons, make people do and say things that they don't really mean. I learned throughout the years to not take these things personally. I knew in my heart that he loved me and our daughter more than amything.There were days and still are really where doubt would creep in. During those times, I think about the little things, how he made me laugh every day, how he would sometimes just watch me sleep, or reach for my hand while we watched tv. There were times when I would get so lonely and sad, I would think that I had surely lost him. Then the darkness would lift, and there he would be. Things were just starting to turn around for him, and for us. Then he was gone. I get so angry some days, we deserved to have more good before he left, so did you and your husband. On good days though, I see it as insurance that we will be together again, because there is no possible way that we're done teaching, and learning from one another. Love is eternal.

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Annalou, I like how you leave that open, that there's more teaching/learning to do with each other. :)

We tend to speak only good of the dead, but the truth is, most of us have a combination, some wonderful drawing factors, some other things that could be worked on. The thing is, we loved each other, flaws and all. It's so good to know that even with mental illness or personality disorders, we loved them. My mom recently passed...she'd been plagued with so much mental illness all of her life and eventually died of dementia. I used to think I didn't know how I'd feel if she died because her relationships were all so turbulent. All of us kids were so good to her, but she made it an uphill road most of the time. Well that day came and I can honestly say I love and miss her...I don't miss the way she treated us sometimes, but I miss her. The her I knew she was created to be and sometimes was. And I know that now she is well and at peace and when I join her again, I'll get to see more of the person she was created to be rather than the person that was tormented in her life.

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