Annalou Posted November 12, 2014 Report Share Posted November 12, 2014 I lost my husband, on April 10, 2014. The worst day of my life. My worst nightmare come to life. Poof, he just didn't wake up. I loved and cared for him for 27 years. He was only 46. My husband suffered from mental illness. The last few years were particularly difficult. He sometimes had a tendency to not want to feel. That meant taking a few more pills than he should have. This was an issue for me for quite some time. It wasn't something he always did. The pills were the only thing that made the panic attacks, and the "monsters" go away. I was always so torn. I would get angry, and sad, and lonely whenever he would just check out. On the other hand, how do you tell the person you love that they can't have the only thing they feel gives them relief. The morning he passed, I was pretty irritated with him. I could tell he had taken too many pills. I went to wake him, he had a doctor appointment. When I got to the bedroom door, silence. I tried to wake him, my daughter called 911. We started CPR, paramedics arrived, it was too late. I have an incredible support team. I'm close to my family, and they have been so caring and supportive of both myself and my daughter. I have friends, that I'm in contact with every day. Even with all of this love, and support, I have never been so lonely in my life. As supportive as everyone has been, they don't have the experience to understand. I'm at a place where I don't feel like I can be honest about how miserable I am every single day. No one wants to hear, that while I'm getting used to my new normal, it still hurts just as bad as it did the first day. When I do voice my pain, I get short answers, "I'm so sorry " "it's not fair". They have absolutely no idea what to do with me. I have no idea what to do with myself. So here I am. A member of the worst club ever. I came to this forum hoping to find some understanding, and ears that know what it feels like to have your entire body ache with longing and pain. Not one of us wants to belong to this horrible club. It's at least comforting to know we're not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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