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Changes I'm Making


enna

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Dear Anne,

I am doing a month of gratitude along with more meditation this month. It combines gratitude with getting to know the "good points" about self, sort of a re-discovery process. Since my birthday is later this month, I thought it was a good way to begin this new year, so I will be joining you on this journey, and will check out Tom Zuba on facebook as well.

Thank you for sharing this.

namaste,

fae

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Fae, I think it is good that you are focusing on gratitude. I have done this off and on and right now I'm following Tom Zuba's 21 Days of Gratitude. Today I was not too grateful while I was having PT. I was a little wimpy during the deep muscle massage part and I even yelled out a few times. It was not a good day but I get a rest tomorrow and then back to the torture chamber. :glare: I will have to remind my young man that a 72 year old body sometimes does not want to focus on our core! Enough complaining as I sit here with heat on my back.

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Peeling away the layers ~ I cannot remember focusing on a date the way I do when the 25th of the month comes around. Since my Jim died I always get a little anxious during this time. I manage to move along the other days of the month ~ tending to daily things and only occasionally running into one of those “grief bursts” we all know about.

A rose has become a symbol to me when these emotions surface. I seem to focus on something that I had not thought of before. Last month on the 25th I found myself wondering why I have managed to gain control of my heart failure but not really releasing the anger I held because of this health issue. So, I spent time looking at this issue and came to realize that I was placing the blame on Jim for this ~ after all, if I hadnot spent time caring for him and retiring earlier than I wanted to perhaps I would not have been so neglectful in caring for myself. It took a few days to stay with this but I did and now I feel no anger toward Jim so perhaps another layer of grief has been peeled away.

And about the retiring too early feeling ~ that too has taken a turn. I decided to not renew my teaching certificate that I refused to let lapse since 2007 when I had to stop teaching to care for my Jim. I know that after forty plus years in teaching that I would not be continuing that profession so it was okay for me to allow the certificate to lapse and do so without guilt or anger.

Slowly I seem to be peeling more layers away and I think it is a positive. Another layer of rose petals gone...

It is a very slow process to emerge as a new person but with grief work it is possible. Most of my memories of Jim are the good ones now and those painful early days after Jim died are fading into the background. I shall always miss him and long for him to be here with me in his physical presence. And this will no doubt be the very last bit of anger I’ll allow myself to release.

To me, a rose bud is as beautiful as the full flowering rose. Perhaps the rose bud will be our being back together again to start over again only in a more unimaginable beautiful way.

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Being okay with aloneness. . .

FINDING YOUR TRUE HOME WITHIN YOUR LIFE

Each one of us is alone in the world. It takes great courage to meet the full force of your aloneness. Most of the activity in society is subconsciously designed to quell the voice crying in the wilderness within you. The mystic Thomas a Kempis said that when you go out into the world, you return having lost some of yourself. Until you learn to inhabit your aloneness, the lonely distraction and noise of society will seduce you into false belonging, with which you will only become empty and weary. When you face your aloneness, something begins to happen. Gradually, the sense of bleakness changes into a sense of true belonging. This is a slow and open-ended transition but it is utterly vital in order to come into rhythm with your own individuality. In a sense this is the endless task of finding your true home within your life. It is not narcissistic, for as soon as you rest in the house of your own heart, doors and windows begin to open outwards to the world. No longer on the run from your aloneness, your connections with others become real and creative. You no longer need to covertly scrape affirmation from others or from projects outside yourself. This is slow work; it takes years to bring your mind home. ~~ John O'Donohue, Eternal Echoes

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You speak of the 25th...for me it is the 19th. George and I were married on the 19th...and he left this world on the 19th. It's funny how the number of a date grabs us and won't let us forget...ever.

You speak of gratitude and I am ashamed. I did not go to sleep last night. My mind was reeling about all my problems, and I suppose, yes, feeling a little sorry for myself...not relishing in my aloneness, but tired of it. I do okay for the most part, but sometimes it seems enough is enough! Having spent so much time the last few months "resting", feeling pain, and alone, I have become too inward focused, and perhaps not in a good way. Time to get my perspective back in order!

Ahh yes, I remember reading Thomas Kempis as well. Such wisdom! Thank you for the reminder, I needed to hear that just now. Such a perfect message!

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My dear Anne, you have such a way with words, the peeling away of layers is exactly what we have to do to begin the healing, or at least the acceptance of our aloneness. The 13th is the date for me, and ironically enough, that is the day every month that my Sassy gets her Heart/worm pill. I did not set it up that way, it just evolved that way. Maybe it is so Mike can help me remember to give it to her.

How is your PT going? I do hope that you are seeing some positive results. BTW I loved the profile picture of you on FB. So lovely.

QMary

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We each have our special days of remembrance, don't we QMary?

It seems like when I begin to get a handle on one health issue another one pops up.

My physical therapy is progressing slowly. I had my appointment with whom I thought was a neurosurgeon and at the end of a long visit I found out that he was a neurologist, but his specialty is in neuromuscular medicine and not spinal surgery!

Bottom line is I now have to wait for an appointment with a spinal surgeon so he can read my MRI and advise me as to what I need to do ~ there will be NO back surgery for me so I am hoping that I’ll be able to continue with PT. You can bet I’ll ask for credentials before I start the visit! We really do have to be our own advocates.

I have another health issue that relates to my spine and I was advised to see yet another specialist!

I feel like the physical therapy is helping. My pain has been reduced. I am tolerating the assault on my body by my therapist. :unsure: My heart failure is under control. I now have fresh squeezed orange juice from my orange tree. I have lemons that are not as acidic as those bought in the store. Our temperatures have been in the middle to high 70s. My implant will be put in on Thursday ~ the second to the last step for a permanent tooth. My oral surgeon said I healed perfectly after the bone graft. Imagine that, something was done “perfectly.” There is hope for this old body after all.

I am so grateful for each new day.

Anne

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Anne, I too admire your attitude! I'm sorry this is all dragging out for you, I guess what can you do but take one step at a time. I, for one, hope I never have to have surgery again, but I know that's not always how things work out. Fresh orange juice and lemon juice sounds wonderful! I remember that from a million years ago when I lived in Phoenix! :)

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Dear Anne,

Did the neurologist have any helpful ideas or suggestions for you?

I suppose the good side of this is that you can carry on with the PT a while longer, and since it seems to be working, by the time you see the surgeon, they will need new images and you will be far, far better. :)

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Anne, I also love your attitude....you are such a positive person, even when things do not go your way exactly. You know I am pulling for you...and really hoping the PT continues to promote progress.

I cannot wait for that lemon cake, or lemon bars made from your fresh lemons....maybe someday!!

QMary

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I spoke about my dental implant surgery on the "Positive" thread today. I did see a neuromuscular surgeon, but he does not specialize in the spine. I have no idea why I saw him first when my reason for going, was to give me a reading of MRI on my spine! I have an appointment with a "spine" surgeon on Tuesday! I intend to tell him that the PT is working and I will continue with it. My Physical Therapist is waiting for the reading of the MRI by the "spine" doctor before increasing the spine therapy.

Today's medicine has a speciality in everything!

I wonder why I want to eat anything that crunches right now ~ I suppose it has to do with sticking to soft foods for a few days!

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Yep, the grass is always greener, even with food! I'm doing pretty good on my "restricted diet" but have my moments when something high fat and sinful sound really good...I just keep reminding myself that indulging in something bad for me would be temporal in lasting fulfillment and I need to stay on track!

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Good for you, Kay. Staying on track is not easy. I have learned over the last two years that I feel good most of the time when I follow my heart diet. I actually do not miss the amount of salt that I was using over the years. Chocolate and red wine still remain on my "never restrict" list though.

I am trying to stay positive yet I have to admit it is hard at times. My visit with the spine surgeon opened my eyes to a reality that I wasn’t quite ready to accept. The good news about the visit is that I am not a candidate for any spine surgery. After a lengthy visit and many more x-rays in his office, the news he gave me was a little scary. The degenerative disc disease (Spondylosis) I have is throughout my entire spine with some areas more severe than others. Besides the lumbar region showing deterioration, the thoracic area is a concern. He asked me how severe the pain is and I told him that the level of discomfort has limited my mobility to not being able to clean floors, move furniture, vacuum, stand too long, put on socks, cut my own toenails, reach anything out of the bottom cabinets in the kitchen, get up from a sitting position, and stay in bed for more than three hours without having to get up. He is a rather cute spine surgeon so I asked him if he was looking for a second job. We both laughed.

Treatment options immediately ~ continue physical therapy (staying away from my L/hip area), he wants me to start with cortisone shots in the hip and one area near the thoracic region of the spine, an appointment has been made to see a urologist because my bladder has been very angry and he wants to makes sure that it is not caused by nerves pressing in the thoracic region of the spine! He does not want me to gain anymore weight because of my immobility issues. I told him I would not give up chocolate or red wine. He agreed with me and said to cut down on brussel sprouts, zucchini, and eggplant. Not a problem, I told him.

Let’s see now: caregiving from 2007-2012, death of my Jim in May 2012, loss of Benji, my Shipperkee/Poo, dealing with CHF (congestive heart failure) since 2012, managing my heart failure to the point where I am down to only three prescriptions instead of eleven, and starting up with PT again but this time for my back and not my L/hip and knee. I think it’s about time I focus on something else besides my health for awhile.

I have the makings of a book scrambled around in my head ~ perhaps it’s time to start putting thoughts to paper or maybe not just yet.

So, it’s time to call my cleaning lady again, make an appointment to have a pedicure and perhaps a facial, spend more time with friends doing lunch, thinking about the movies I want to watch during the Super Bowl (the only thing I’m interested in this year will be the commercials ~ sorry about that my friends in the NW and NE), getting serious about a few books that I have been wanting to read, continuing to de-clutter at my own speed, and making sure I don’t forget to add important appointments to my calendar in the next weeks so something does not slip my mind. ;)

If you have read this far ~ thank you and as Tom Zuba has said, “There is a new way to grieve.” I choose to look at all the possibilities both painful and joyful.

Anne

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Anne, my dear, your sense of humor is positively delightful, and I'm sure it gets you through a lot of these annoying and totally unwelcome health issues ~ so many of which (I am learning, too) are part of the aging process. Who was it who said that growing old is not for sissies? And do not get me started about the Golden Years. I'm so relieved to know that you saw a spine surgeon who did not offer spine surgery as the first and only solution. I like that he's taking things conservatively, one step at a time ~ and I pray that the cortisone injections and PT will do the trick for you. I've had total hip and knee replacements as well as spinal fusion surgeries over the years ~ but what I really need now is a total body replacement. Now that's a surgery that I would consider seriously ;)

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Anne, my dear dear friend, I'm humbled by you. I think you and I are about the same age (73 give or take?) and we have both lost the loves of our lives. And we both looked after them, though you longer than I. And since your beloved Jim's death you have had many extra burdens to bear. And your attitude truly humbles me. As Marty says you can still manage some humour in the hardest times. Your family and friends are so lucky to have you in their lives and we, in the virtual world are also lucky. My thoughts are with you. I wish I could just hug you. Jan

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Marty, I will gladly join you in waking up some morning and find that I have a brand new me. How much fun we could have as 72 year olds riding horses, ice skating, sitting in the football stands cheering like teenagers, and just doing all the things we used to do when our health was better. Next time around I’d still ride horses, ice skate, and dance, but I’d also try my luck at skydiving and scuba diving.

My dear Jan, you are so kind. I am a positive person by nature, usually. I could be so grumpy with all the health issues, but I choose not to be. I sometimes get discouraged, but most of all I miss Jim. Those of us without our soulmates understand this and it will always be that way.

I will take hugs anytime. :wub:

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Anne,

I'm glad you won't need to go through surgery (I know you'd go clawing and kicking!) but I'm sorry it's progressed as far as it has. I hope the cortisone shots offer some relief and meanwhile you'll get pedicures and a cleaning lady. I love your remark about what movies you'll watch during the superbowl. I'm one that loves football if I have someone to watch it with, not so much by myself, I'm not sure why. It just seems like a shared activity.

I also love your adamance about not giving up your chocolate and red wine! :) I have been following my diet so carefully...at first I lost 30 lbs, then gained back 8, now am about 25 lbs. down, it hasn't done much this month. It can get discouraging if I let it but I've learned to do the right thing and trust it to all come out in the wash, and I know it will. As humans, we get impatient and want instant results but that's not how it works, we have to be patient and have faith and keep on keeping on. I'm eating super healthy and my energy level has been good.

Today I spent the day at the Nike Lab at the U of O, being tested in my friend's diabetic shoe invention. I was impressed with the sole he made, it's light and springy and has something in it that makes it work kind of like a super does on the road, where it keeps you going around curves, etc I was super impressed with the added stability it created! I could stand way longer on one foot without wobbling! They tested me in my Kalso Earth shoes with 3.7% heel negativity, with regular athletic shoes, and with these which are flat (no heel, no negativity) and the special graphite design. We're hoping Nike will show an interest when they see the results, they should have them early next week. He has put a lot of effort into this design because he wants to help Diabetics and others with feet problems, and I really hope it comes to fruition, not only for him, but especially for all of the people it could benefit. I was hooked up to all kinds of bells and whistles, so wired up I felt like Johnny 5! It was a good day.

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Kay, What a great shoe adventure! Are you going to get a free sample pair when they go into production? It sounds like a great idea! How neat to be part of it. I am also glad to hear that you are eating very well, getting enough rest, and healing so very well. I am just impressed that you are up and around and doing shoe testing! What a wonderful way to help.

I am reading about all the snow back east. Here, at the lower elevations, we have warm days, sun, and blue skies, but up higher, there is still snow falling and frosty days. Lots of skiing going on around me.

Yesterday, I drove up a nearby canyon and over the top -- snow piled up high, and later on, went for a drive to the Divide, where we found 6 and 8" snow road cuts, all layered and neatly-cut, with the snow blown high up over the drifts and down into the canyon, as there is no place to park the snow up there. Very neat days, part of my continuing birthday celebration. But I hope you are all finding the snow not too much of an inconvenience.

Anne, I am so charmed by your report, with its wry humor, great sense of caring for yourself, and your choosing to bring more fun and people back into your life. Good for you! You remain an inspiration to me, thank you. :)

Good! We will keep up the chocolate and wine tradition. And here are some more {{{HUGS}}} for you, Kay, and you, Anne, and for Butch and Harry, Jan and QMary, and everyone who reads this nattering.

{{{HUGS}}}

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Oh Kay, your adventure to the Nike lab sounded fun. I too would want to know if you get a free pair of the shoes if they are produced.

Fae, my dear friend, thank you for your encouragement. I could never give up chocolate. I need it in my life.

I pass along hugs to everyone.

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