Lost My Husband, My Life

[Wifflesnook]

Dear confused and lost, you will find a lot of wisdom and caring here. I'm so sorry that your husband has died and you had to come here. Please tell us more. My beloved Pete died more than two years ago. I'm still on this site because I find it helps me to talk and share. Jan

[kayc]

Confused, I hope you'll start your own thread and continue to come and post. When you are ready, perhaps you'll tell us a little more about your husband and the circumstances...when you're ready. Nov. 22 is just a short time ago...I was also about two weeks out when I found this place...it's been 9 1/2 years now. I'm still here. I've gleaned so much from this site, I want to pay it forward to the ones coming here, but also, I continue to glean so much! This is a wonderful remarkable site with such caring people on it! Honestly, I think we'd be lost without this place.

I am so sorry for what you are going through, we all know and remember it too well. I couldn't sleep well for a long time, everything hurt, I'd burst into tears at work, but I really cried in the evenings and weekends. Somewhere on this site there was an article that suggested we set a time to allow ourselves to cry.

Our hearts go out to you, we want you to know we'll be here to go through this journey with you, should you want it.

Edited December 10, 2014 by MartyT
Link inserted ♥

[Confused&Lost]

My husband had been in and out of the hospital for the last three or four years. He had congestive heart failure and multi-system failure. His heart and kidney functions had gotten really bad over the last 6 months. After he was released from the hospital in October, his doctors suggested he go on hospice since there wasn't much they could do for him anymore. We decided that he go on hospice in November and he passed away on Nov.22. The last few weeks before his death he really suffered. He remained at home when he was on hospice. It was so hard to see him suffer and die.

[kayc]

I'm so sorry. It is very hard to watch them suffer, and even though we're glad they're out of it, it's hard for us being without them.

[ohsosad]

My husband also suffered terribly the last four weeks of his life. That memory haunts me. He was such a good, kind, giving, loving man and to see him suffer that way.............

Rita

[kayc]

It's hard, isn't it, Rita.

[Confused&Lost]

I put a picture of my husband, before he got sick, in my wallet. I want to try to remember him when he was healthy. It was so hard to go back to work. I know people mean well, but it's so hard to heard them talk about my husband. It's a constant reminder of his dying. I just want to cry.

[Wifflesnook]

Even now, two years after my Pete died, I can't bear for people to say he did. It's either denial or because he is still with me. But whatever

[Wifflesnook]

Died not did. Sorry. I think we just have to tell ourselves 'it is what it is' and ignore other people who just don't understand

[ohsosad]

The Christmas cards are coming. -- Some addressed to both of us from people who don't know, other addressed just to me with no note inside - as if things are just normal. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Then there was the one from my cousin with her annual newsletter about all the wonderful things her four children and seven grandchildren did this year - on and on and on about them - and how she and her husband are doing great. I couldn't even read it - just tore it up and tossed it.

Rita

[kayc]

Rita, I know, it's hard, isn't it...the first year I didn't send out Christmas cards, and since some only correspond then, they didn't know. It's amazing the trite things we say take on a different meaning when there's loss involved.

[shalady]

I can so relate about the cards, people that don't know. It is so depressing. It just goes on and on.

[enna]

We have so many new grievers here who have lost their husbands. My heart goes out to you. I wish that there were some magic potion that I could mix up and give all of you to drink but there isn’t.

I am remembering back when I was new to this grief journey and I came here and found the caring, loving understanding I so needed to help me during my early months.

What is fact is that we can be here for one another but we cannot take your journey for you. We can listen and understand what you are going through but we do not walk in your shoes. We can understand when others don’t have a clue as to how we feel. I am still receiving Christmas cards from people with both Jim and my name on the card just as I continue to receive junk mail, charity pitches, and so many other things that stab at my heart. I don’t mind seeing Jim’s name on things, but it hurts that he is no longer here to open mail or answer phone calls.

I wish that there were something I could say that would make these “firsts” that you are going through a bit easier. What I can say is that you are not alone. We hear you and keep our hearts open to all those who are new here on the forum.

So many of us asked for hospice care for our loved ones way too late. I know I did. Our family doctors just don’t want to give up their position of finding cures even when there are none! I have not understood “being in pain” at the end of life but it seems to me that something can be done about it ~ after all, it’s not as though our loved one is going to become addicted to the drugs!

I still do not write Christmas cards. I do send electronic ones and write notes only to a very few friends and loved ones. I feel no guilt if I get cards from people and don’t send to them.

I have learned many coping skills from reading and being here on the forum. The journeys that others are on have helped me to see where I am going. It is good to know that there is no right way to do this and because we are resilient we will move in a forward direction even though we back step more often than we’d like.

Stay close to the forum during these holidays and know that you are not alone. We hold one another up.

Anne

[bluelady]

One thing that is difficult for me, is to be out Christmas shopping for my grandkids and see all these happy, laughing people, while I am fighting back tears. It has been 75 days ago, since my precious Jim passed away and there isn't a single moment that I don't think of him, grieve for him and cry my eyes out for him. I know these people can't help being happy, just like I can't help being sad and I certainly don't wish them any ill will, I am just saying that it is difficult to focus on what I am doing, when all I want to do is cry and be with my Jim, while everyone around me appears to be so caught up in the spirit of Christmas. I was at a party for my grief support group last night and we all sang "O Holy Night" and I couldn't help but cry, since the song was our favorite Christmas carol. We often sent out virtual Christmas cards and we used the song as our background music. It was heart wrenching to hear the song and not be able to sing it with my beloved.

Like Enna, I continue to receive mail and cards with Jim's name on them. I can't bear to open the mail with his name on it, since I feel like I am betraying him to be here, when he is no longer around. I won't be sending any cards either, as I simply am not inclined. No Christmas tree, no decorations, either. It's hard enough around the house with Jim's presence everywhere. I can't bear the decorations without him.

[kayc]

It's almost like viewing life from the sidelines now. We see other families being happy, living their lives, and while we who have been here a while have learned to do that to some extent, to an even greater extent...it's missing. We remember what it's like to be part of a couple, to snuggle together, to exchange Christmas presents, to enjoy the kids/grandkids together, to be present for each other through all of life...and that is missing now.

As Anne said, there isn't a right or wrong way, only our way. I probably would not have decorated in those early years had I not had kids pressing me to. But I chose to remember George with his ornaments hung and his stocking in its usual place. Absent but never forgotten.

[bluelady]

Kayc,

You are so right that I am missing what "used to be" and I can never have that back. I grew so accustomed to having my precious Jim cuddled around me at night as we slept, coming up behind me in the kitchen and slipping his arms around me, kissing my neck, etc. I feel so alone now, even when I am with others. I have to learn to accept the fact that I must get used to his not being there for me. Even after 76 days, when I am watching TV and something funny happens, I turn to say something to him. Or if I am watching something I really like, I think "I should save this for Jim to see, as he would really like it". Granted it is only a very quick flash of a thought, but it's still there. Then it makes me sad, to once again, have to remember that he passed away and can't speak to me any longer. I miss him SO much. We did almost everything together. He wouldn't go anywhere that I wasn't invited and vice versa. We hated being apart. He begged me to get in the hospital bed with him and sleep cuddled next him during the night, but because of the wedges, the drips, the monitors, the tubes, etc., there was simply no room for me. I regret now that I didn't just remove some of those things and crawl in beside him. It haunts me that this was all he ever ask of me and I couldn't do it for him. I was afraid I might hurt him more and damage something. Now, I just wish I could put my arms around him ONE MORE TIME and cuddle up close to him!! I miss that so much!! Sorry to rattle on...I'm just feeling a lot of grief right now...

Linda

[ADH]

BeBrave:

Nov 1 was such a short time ago. The raw and agonizing grief does hit first. My husband has been gone since late April and I felt like I was not going to make it in the beginning. I found this place at around the 5-6 month mark. I am so glad you found your way here now.

We are all here for you. Please do take a look at what Anne is sharing. It really does help to know that you are not going crazy and the feelings you have are normal.

Please do stay hydrated and eat when you can. I had to use reminders to eat and drink when my husband first passed. That went on for the first couple of months or so.

Be kind to yourself.

[ailee]

I'm going through the same nightmare BeBrave. My Bob passed away Oct. 20th after a long battle with ALS. I cry all the time and miss him so much, he was my sunshine in life. I have no real words of wisdom to offer you, but maybe when you're

feeling so very lost remember that somewhere out there I'm feeling the same way.

Ailee

[Tableforone]

I believe that one thing that is always the same when we lose our spouse, regardless of the circumstances...is that 2 lives end that day. Our spouse's death may be sudden and unexpected.... or a struggle that we anticipate. The second life that ends is always sudden. Our life with them. Most people who have never experienced this simply don't understand that. Nothing will ever be the same and its more than hard to do more than simply exist. Its been almost 3 months for me, and the wave is absolutely true. I'm sure people in the grocery can't comprehend why I break down and cry when I pass a certain cereal that I don't need to buy anymore. And Christmas?! I'd rather crawl into a hole until all of the holidays are over. I have already endured my love's birthday and Thanksgiving. The fact that I haven't broken things in the house out of pure rage, anguish and frustration is a miracle.

There will be no tree, no lights and only the minimally acceptable amount of presents. I do not want to wrap, bow or tape anything... but I will. I've said in several posts that the most we can do in these early days is survive and I truly believe that. I split my days up into sections. What do I have to do to survive until 10 am. Then 12, then 2 and so on. I give myself "permission" to have meltdowns at specific times and feel no guilt whatsoever about it.

You have to remember you are on no one's timetable. Anyone's expectations of you mean nothing. You have to do whatever brings you comfort or helps you to make it for that next "chunk" of time. I hope that time will ease the severe yearning we feel.... although I realize some of it will always remain. I want to get to the point where I can make my thoughts be about our life together, and not his death. About what we shared, what we had and not what was lost. I don't think that's too much to ask, that we be able to remember without so much sorrow.

I don't know much about this journey yet, but I do know that the fog lifts some and the bubble you feel like you're in to begin with recedes. The emotions that come with that are horrible..... but I continually tell myself I would not give up one second of our life together to remove this. With great love comes great sorrow. I still can't look to the future, I can't bear to look past today. But having a place where others understand helps. Being able to "talk" without feeling people are tired of hearing about it helps. I read much more here than I post, but know that you've come to a place with no judgment, no expectations from anyone and only sincere people who want to help however they can. Many times the thing you need the worst is someone to simply "listen". Everyone here will "listen".

[enna]

Thank you for your post today, Tableforone. It is filled with wise information that could help many who are wondering just what in the world happened! Yes, our lives were shattered when we lost our loved ones and you are so right when you say that unless you have lost a spouse you will never understand.

It is good to keep telling ourselves that we do what is best for us. This is our journey and no one has the right to tell us how to walk it. In early grief everything is magnified. I remember going down the cookie aisle and passing the Nutter Butters and breaking down. I had to leave the store. It was hard for me to buy anything that my Jim liked. This happened to me several times but eventually it subsided.

The best way to understand what grief is all about is to read about it. Be true to your feelings and don’t do something because someone else wants you to. You will do things in your own time.

It continues to help me to come here and talk about what I’m feeling or where I am on this journey now. I am someone who needs to have my grief validated. I want people to hear me. I want people to give me hugs. I want people to talk about their journeys and where they are today. There is nothing more comforting than to know someone is listening and not judging us.

Anne

[pmentzer]

ok, I finally found the courage to create an account. My husband died of liver cancer on 9/3/2014, four days before our 24th anniversary. I find I don't have energy to do anything right now. My 87 year old mother is my baby sitter right now. God bless her and my sisters.

I quit my job last week because I didn't want to get out of bed. I told his family I would be up xmas eve, but I don't know. I am gonna try and eat something and get out for a while. Thank you for letting me share. This is so painful.

[enna]

Yes, dear pmentzer, the journey you are on is a painful one. I am so very sorry to hear that you lost your husband in September of this year. You are in raw grief and I am so glad that you have family with you to help you at this time. God bless your mother.

Please listen to your heart and do only what you want to do. Honor your own feelings.

Taking care of you is what’s important right now. Staying hydrated, eating well, walking or getting some exercise will help you.

Perhaps if you want to you could tell us more about your husband and you. We are good listeners and I can assure you that it does help. We understand what it is like to lose a husband. I lost my Jim in May of 2012. This forum has been very helpful for me. It is comforting to know that we do not have to do this alone.

I am so sorry that you are here but I assure you that you will find love and understanding among those who are here. Take time to read some of the posts when and if you want to. Peace to your heart.

Anne

[annew]

Been so aware that we both died that day and that nothing will ever be the same. Yet, he is still here, still loving and giving to me and my son and I know that makes him very happy. I have been dreaming of him a lot in the past couple of weeks. We are still somewhere living a life together side by side....and I can see he is young and healthy again and free of the dis-ease that took the entire life he had made for himself and for us. I feel so grateful to have known this amazing Soul so well and that he is still here in my heart and will never leave there. Yes, it is still hurting, but our lives together matter and count for a lot and the love we share and leave behind on this old earth also matters.... a lot. My hugs and heart for everyone hurting and tired and lonely today. You are doing just fine the way you are right this second and you are never alone no matter how lonely you feel. It is a gift to be able to walk with you all, you are the most beautiful Hearts and Souls. <3

[kayc]

Pmentzer,

Welcome to this site, although I'm very sorry you have the need to be here. I hope you have enough money to carry you financially for a while. Have you considered seeing a grief counselor? Most find it helpful especially in the early stages of grief.

We will be here to walk with you through this journey, there are many newer ones here going through the same things.

Perhaps you can tell us a little about your husband and the life you had together...when you are ready. We're here to listen and care.

[pmentzer]

Thank you for the kind words. Now that I am not working 10 hour days, I may try to go to grief counseling. I know I need it. Every time I log in and read all the posts, I start crying again. I will share as soon as I am able to. Thank you for letting me be me here. I don't need people telling me to suck it up and move on. I would have quit my job months ago just to take him from the hospital and go do something fun for a little while, but that did not happen.