Sister In Law Calls My Dads New Wife "grandma"

[ashley1986]

my father and mother split in 2005 they split because I found out he was seeing another woman. He moved from NY to Nashville to be with this other woman. As a family we realized it was the best situation that they split (not divorced). Fast forward to 2012, my mother had passed of a long battle with cancer. My father however supported her from 2005 until her passing, he was a saint in coming back and caring for her in her weakest of days, spending weeks on end by her side. The lady whom he left my mother for accepted my father coming back to ny and spending all this time with my mother which was very respectful of her. A few months after my mothers passing i met my fathers wife, she was respectful to all of us. The relationship myself as well as my two brothers have with her, is that she is just another human being that happened to marry my father. My brothers nor i call her 'mom', we call her by her first name.

My brother and his wife recently had a daughter (after my mothers passing), they also named her after my mother. however my brothers wife insists on calling my fathers wife who has absolutely no relation to us, grandma. i completely do not agree with calling someone who isnt the actual parent mom dad grandma grandpa etc. My mom had passed two years this past weekend, and my sister in law had brought up twice within the past week, once at thanksgiving in front of my mothers family about how my fathers new wife is grandma. It creates tension amongst us as i do not agree she should be saying this especially around myself and my mothers family as they also find it very insulting.

Growing up my grandfathers first wife (my grandma) had passed very young before all the grandchildren had even been born, however he had a girlfriend since before we were born - we had no pressure to call her grandma, she was always referred to as her name and we all understood the reasoning.

Now i think they're trying to create some sort of normalcy in their minds, but i dont understand how it could be justifiable because when i have kids they will not call her grandma and will be curious to why their cousin calls her grandma, now my other brother also told me that his kids will never call her grandma.

I know for a FACT that if my mother was around she would not appreciate my fathers wife being called grandma. Now i can only imagine my brother had his reservations when this was brought up amongst him and his wife. She's the type of person that doesnt find a need for approval for really any of her actions and comes across to most as being arrogant. Example 1, 1 month after my mother passed it was christmas eve, she decided to pull out the thank you cards from my mom's services and hand them out amunst the family whilst crossing out names in the guest book to whom was going to write who a thank you card. It was not the right time or place, neither was it her duty to even touch that box.

At this point im curious if i should say anything to my brother.

[kayc]

I understand your feelings and you're definitely entitled to handle your children the way you see fit. However, your sister in law is also handling things the way she sees fit for her kids. It's not uncommon at all when people marry later in life that they blend their families and with the young children, they don't understand what's going on anyway, they see someone acting the grandma role and it's natural for them to refer to them in that way. Perhaps another name like Nana would be a good compromise? As the kids get older you can explain to them that their real grandma is in heaven and she would have loved to have been there for them, but now your father has someone else in his life and she is "like a grandma". They can understand the difference. If you have older kids in the family (teenagers), they may choose to call her by her first name. A lot of it depends on the kids ages when she entered the family.

You're being very courteous by being accepting of her in lieu of how it all came about. Many would have a very difficult time with that. I can't help but feel maybe that's coloring how you feel about her, and understandably so. After all, I'm sure it caused your mom great pain and anguish, and of course your allegiance is with her. All you can do is try to let the past be yesterday, but I know sometimes that's easier said than done.

Have you considered talking with a counselor about this? They might be able to give you some pointers.

The one thing I wouldn't want to do is cause strife between my siblings. Your relationship with them is so important, I would protect that and let them make their own decisions without placing myself in the middle of it. I don't think your mom would want the family torn apart over it.

My kids' dad and I divorced when they were nearly grown (18 and 16), he's now remarried and his wife isn't the nicest person. I'm not overly thrilled that she will be called grandma when my son's child is born, but I have to let it go and let it be what it is. I'm pretty sure I'll be in their lives in a different way than she will. Don't be afraid to talk to the children about their grandma in heaven. My MIL passed when my kids were little and my dad before they were born, so I've tried to help them know their grandparents by telling them about them, also how proud they'd be of their grandchildren's achievements.