I Missed The 3 Month Mark Of My Dads Passing

[sharirouse]

So my dad died on Sept 7th and I completely missed the 3 month mark. I realized it today.

Given it is finals week and I literally spend 12 hours at the library studying and didnt go to bed until 7am, I still feel awful.

I was upset and to my mom about it and she thinks its progress. She says that I didnt forget the date but I am not counting the days since he passed like I have been and there will be a day where I stop counting the months.

She says that he wouldnt mind but I feel like I am almost forgetting him in a way. She says Im not but I feel like hes so far away.

Just now, I was hugging one of his pillows I have that I put one of his shirts on and pretended it was him. I dont feel progress. I dont feel like Im healing. I cant believe its 3 months and I dont want to think about it. I feel like he has been gone for so long but I was just laughing with him a couple months ago.

I just wish he didnt feel so far away. I know that may sound stupid as he has passed and I cant actually reach out and get him but I feel like I am not loving him enough or missing him enough because I missed the 3 month mark.

What if I forget his birthday? Or little things that he used to say that were unique to him? Im so scared Ill forget.

[kayc]

Your mom is right, Shari, you aren't forgetting him, you are making progress in your own healing. However slight the progress is, it's important that we progress in our grief journey. NO ONE COULD TAKE THE INTENSITY OF THE INITIAL GRIEF FOR A LONG DURATION. Our bodies are amazing in their ability to adapt, our very survival depends on it. Please don't feel guilty, your dad wouldn't want you to have to count months and be somber all of the time. Right now he's just proud of you for getting your education! He understands how hard this is.

I'd never thought of putting a shirt on a pillow, what a great idea!

[sharirouse]

I guess Im just so surprised that I am progressing because I havent done much grief work. And I never thought about the fact that we cant endure the initial grief for a long time. Thank God!

I think grief counseling will help with the guilt and my mom is trying to help with it too. Its hard for me to remember that my dad can see me now and he knows whats going on, more than I think he does lol.

And thanks The shirt still smells so that helps too. It also helps when I want to imagine I am hugging him.

[kayc]

You're letting your feelings out here, and that is grief work. But I do think a counselor will help too. I kept my dad's bathrobe for years until my son got old enough to wear it. I kept my MIL's "afghan-coat" (I hated it when she was alive, thought it made her look old, but after she passed, I couldn't let go of it,used to hug it). I still have my husband's bathrobe.

[sharirouse]

I guess I am not exactly what grief work is then. I know in previous posts, someone had posted links it and I think I will go reeducate myself on it. Now that I have the time to really let out the emotions and fully express them, I want to.

And Im glad Im not alone on that! I didnt want to be weird but I love the shirt and pillow. I sleep really well with it. I used to lay in his bed after he died and that helped too.

Le sigh. I hope counseling is cathartic for me!

[MartyT]

Shari, my dear, I think this might be the post you're looking for: Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief

[kayc]

One of the most beautifully put articles I've seen on grief. Very aptly describes what we need to do.

[maria53577]

I too think this is a step in your healing.. it's ok if you forgot an anniversary date, it really is ok.. give your permission to feel that it is ok.. your dad KNOWS how much you miss him and have been honoring him.. my siblings and I have forgotten dates here and there with my mom as well... you will never forget your father.. and maybe it's ok to focus on your time together vs. anniversary dates of when he passed.. remember the times you spent together those are happier moments anyways