Finding A New Way Of Being

[R.Everit55]

Dear Fae,

I am sorry I didn't realize it was your birthday yesterday. Happy Belated Birthday to you. You truly are a dear heart.

Butch.

[feralfae]

Thank you for the birthday wishes, Butch. It has been a great birthday so far. I think there are a couple more outings planned, but not until the weekend.

I have been reading your posts, and I am sending lots of loving throughs and {{{hugs}}} to you as well as entire showers of *<fairy dust>* as you try to find your balance. It's okay that it takes as long as it takes. I don't think we can do more than cherish ourselves, be mindful of our hearts, and know that the same G*d still holds as as usual. I know Mary is there with you. You are still surrounded by and filled with her love. Yes, I think sharing here helps, and getting feedback is also very helpful, because then we don't feel quite so alone with our grief.

Please keep taking good, healthy, kind, and compassionate gentle care of yourself. Rest as much as you can. Belleruth Naparstek has some wonderful CDs to help with sleep, relaxation, grief, and wellness. You can also find many of her videos and guided imagery on YouTube free.

Blessings to you as I hold you, Mary, Shannon, and Leo in my heart.

We are here for you right now.

[feralfae]

Mary has posted a new entry on her blog, and I think it is one of her columns from a recent publication.

Excerpts:

Late Night Thoughts on My Journey Through Grief

It was 3am on January 3. A light snow was falling as three rabbits ate grass in my back yard. They looked cold. I rarely have sleep problems now but I know not to fight them. I make herbal tea, grab a book or sit in the dark. I don't dare turn on my computer, iPad, Android phone or iPod. None of these will help me get back to sleep. I had driven to the nearby town of Dodgeville that day for a computer repair ...
Read on »

[kayc]

Thank you for calling our attention to it, a very apt description of what we go through on any given day.

[enna]

Thank you for posting Mary's latest blog. She will keep this open as she continues on her inward journey.

[Wifflesnook]

Yes thank you. I just read it and posted a poem.

[feralfae]

Jan,

Your poem is beautiful. Had you thought to post it here on our forum as well?

And Marty has posted a beautiful video from Bill's Mary under videos worth watching.

How is Kelbi?

Sending love and healing energy to you dear Jan.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Fae

I'm waiting until next week before taking Kelbi to the vet to look at her lump. I pushed it about a bit and it seems to move which suggests it may be a lipoma but I think they will want to do a biopsy and I'm worried of course. But hoping.

This is my poem. It was written last year to remember what Pete and I did every full moon. We would go into our garden, look east over the sea for the full moon (and it always amazed us how often the clouds parted for us to see it) and kiss. Pete was six feet tall and I am not much more that five feet so I stretched up and he leaned down. Now I try to go out, look up to my right, shut my eyes and kiss my hand and pretend it's my Pete.

Each full moon kiss

That we two shared

Was time stacked up and

Love for me

Alone to find

As in a bank

Of love

From you

My darling Pete

[MartyT]

♥

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

Thank you for posting your poem. I truly do like it.

I had some minor dental surgery yesterday and the anesthetic has worn off, so I have decided to take it easy today and let my mouth heal as I sip tepid tea.

nattering . . .

Yesterday, I opened one of Doug's file folders on his office computer, because I do need to begin to go through a lot of his essays and other files. I was searching for some lists I knew he had made, so I entered some search terms. Imagine my surprise when his journal—or one of his journals—came up, and I began to read about things he had not mentioned to me. How he enjoyed our once-a-week gourmet dinners with wine and special chocolate desserts. How happy he was when we finished the master bedroom remodeling and we were no longer "crunching our way through plaster dust and bent nails" or sleeping in the guest room until paint dried. His concerns about frozen pipes in Alaska. Little things, but heart-warming to read his rather mundane, day-to-day thoughts on our life.

To some of you, the following may sound strange, but it is part of my belief system. . . I've been consciously working on releasing the anger, and a lot of the remaining PTSS skewing, from my psyche. I have been carefully observing my times of unease, noting how there is an underlying fear that permeates a lot of my decision-making and activities. And I am getting better. I still feel Doug all around me, in my heart and mind, and very present as a personality in my life. I feel that perhaps if I can find a way to release more of my grief, I will also be able to release more anger. And if my anger is holding Doug here, I want to resolve things so that Doug is free to go if he wants to. I had reassured him days before he left that I would be okay. His reply was "not yet" which could have more than one meaning. Several times lately, I have "told" him that he is free to go if his spirit needs to move on. But he does not seem in any hurry to go.

So Doug is still very much with me here. I wake to a sense of his presence most mornings. I can feel him around me, watching over me and caring for me. I thought I was going mental, or moreso, but my grief counselor tells me that what I am experiencing is sometimes "normal" for spouses or others experiencing grief. When I feel Doug here with me, it usually lasts a while, problems get resolved that have been nagging in the back of my mind, and I feel a reassuring peace that things will be all right if I just stay on my Path of healing and restoring my body. As I walk through these days and feel memories rising up from three years ago, I am spending time reminding myself that it has been three years, even though it feels like yesterday. The pain of the grief is not so acute. I am able to better accept that Doug is gone and I will not see him again on this Earth. And for now, as I walk through these days that were so laden with sorrow and confusion three years ago, I am reminded that I have made it this far, that I have survived, and that things will be better in a few more days as I move away from this time so filled with memories and a sense of loss.

We had such beautiful dreams for our future together. Most of those dreams were doing dreams, and many of the things that we had planned on doing together I know I cannot do alone. I doubt that I will trek Mongolia, go to Nepal, build our new home, follow the caribou across the tundra, or climb in the Brooks Range. But I want to begin to have more dreams about a beautiful future for myself; a future that holds contentment and peace as well as some adventure. Sorting out the new life from the old dreams is a painful but necessary undertaking. I am only at the exploring options stage. Perhaps Doug is still here to help me with my choices. I hope so.

It is raining and a spring-like here this morning as the "Pineapple Express" storm from that atmospheric anomaly off the Pacific continues to bring rain here at the lower elevations and snow above me. Very strange weather for us this time of year.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae,

What a gift, a treasure to find! I would love to find something like that of George's, but alas...I've been through everything. It is the mundane everyday life that I cherished with him, so reading about it would bring it all back, the beautiful everyday life that we had together.

I think it will be cathartic to be able to release the anger. Anger held too long can have an effect on us, it's different from the shorter term anger that fuels revolution and change. Releasing it means it no longer holds power over you to change who you are as a person.

I've never really thought about what's going on in our lives as holding them here, but then I've never felt that about George, like he was bound here or something. My reaching inside for him is something I can't explain, but he imparted encouragement, comfort, strength to me while he was here and continues to do so long after he's been gone, I reach for his words, the look in his eyes, the hugs he gave me, and even remembering brings me the results I long for, even if not quite the same.

This is stranger weather for us here too...no snow, we had torrential rains last week but nothing like the predictions said. Today and through the next week, is sunshine. Warm for this time of year! Too cold to not have a fire, too hot with one! The storm has now passed through here.

[feralfae]

Yes, Kay, thank you for understanding. Some of the best memories I have are of Doug and me working together doing little things: planting carrot seeds, cutting and hauling firewood, working at the lake, working in the forest, cooking together, so many little day-to-day things. Of course, the big events stand out, but those need no prompting to bring them to mind. It is these small, usual memories, such as Doug sweeping the master suite several times a day to "stay ahead of the crumbs" of construction debris so it did not get tracked around the house. It is fixing banana shakes for us to have as we took a break from working in the forest.

I have only been concerned about "holding" Doug here because someone told me we must let their spirits go, and not hold them here. But I am not sure, upon reflection, that she knew what she was talking about, and so, I think I will just go back to being grateful that I can still feel Doug's presence around me, especially when I feel lost or confused.

Yes, your area is definitely caught up in the same atmospheric anomaly. There are still huge clouds pushing over the Divide out here, dropping rain in the valley below me, and moving up into the hills where I live on the north side of the valley.

Yes, also on the anger. I am trying to recognize it as it surfaces, and then release any anger that comes up. My mind is still far, far too occupied with criminal behavior and how I might "set things right" about all the slander, but I know that holding any of it is interfering with my healing and return to excellent health. Unfortunately, the PTSS tends to cause one to view any possible threat as a call to defensive alarm. Not a healthy way to live, and yet, as I return to good health, I can easily see the PTSS in many of the returning military, and many of them too caught in it to ask for or accept help. It does play havoc with life.

But as long as I can feel some progress with the anger, the grief, the PTSS, and the physical healing, I am not going to give up hope of a good future. Mostly, I am functioning fairly well, and being here with all of you is a great help in that direction.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

You are indeed making progress dear fae. I believe that our loved ones are with us whenever we turn our attention to them. Your physical body is healing and at the same time you are releasing any negative thoughts as they come. How perfect is that ~ to allow the feelings, but not to be captive by them? This grief journey we are on only separates us from our loved one in the physical sense ~ our thoughts do not have any limitation so we can go wherever our imaginations takes us. I believe.

Anne

[kayc]

I like how you say you remember Doug sweeping the suite...for me, I remember George straightening things around the house. He was never obtrusive with it, he just had this quiet background way of neatening things...straightening a throw, picking up something, putting something away, I miss that, it was part of his way of taking care of us.

[feralfae]

Kay,

Yes, I know what you mean. Doug would walk around the house, tightening faucets, fixing squeaky door hinges, all those little things that keep things running smoothly. We did the same thing in Alaska. I'd do painting, some plastering, and flower beds. Doug did plumbing, electrical, and vehicles, as well as the big garden (well, I took care of the plants, but he set it all up for me).

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Today was a very good day. My Honda oil is changed, the new license plates are on her, and best of all,

My Tests All Came Back Super!!! I don't need to go back for two months, which means I am free to wander more. So nice. I did not realize how much I was holding myself together until after the test results came in and I saw how good they were! This was all about restoring good liver function, after the botched surgery and then the second surgery. I am very happy, although I am still on "light lifting" directions.

I am "vacationing" this evening to watch one of Doug's favorite films, Secondhand Lions. Then I may watch another charming film. Anyway, I am taking deep, deep breaths of relief that things are looking so much better on the medical front, and while good weather is still with us. It was a beautiful day of sun and breezes. I am savoring this respite from what was here and will soon return.

And I am thinking about Doug this evening, since most of my conversation with the Doc today was about climbing and mountain ranges. Our Circles of Grace are infinitely linked, I think.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Oh fae, that is wonderful news! I am having champagne in thought (since I can't partake any more) and celebrating with you as you watch your Secondhand Lions!

My Honda's SRS light was on but now it went off so I don't know if it's a computer hiccup or what. I won't cancel my appt. just yet, will wait and see what transpires. I don't need unnecessary bills but by the same token, don't want to play Russian roulette with my life either!

[feralfae]

Kay, You might want to check to see if your Honda is part of the recall on SRS systems. Mine is and I am waiting for the call that the defective part replacement is in. My SRS light has been on for a couple of months and apparently the dealership will re-set the warning after they replace the defective part. After the oil change, the supervisor of the garage mentioned the light to me, but he could not reset it. But do call the dealer and check to see if your car is on the recall list, which also means Free servicing.
It is a beautiful sunny day here, and is supposed to be up to almost 60F. Three years ago, it was very cold, with more than a foot of snow on the ground, and I was wearing my Baffin boots to go out into the snow.
There is something hopeful about being able to look back and know that I have survived, that I am getting better with wonderful help from the counselors, and that Doug is still here, in my heart and all around me, watching out for me and caring about me. Yesterday was such a stellar day. So filled with lots of good things. I feel as though my life is finally turning around, and that things will be better. The underlying anxiety still bubbles to the surface fairly often, but now, I can be apart from it, and say, "Ah, that is some more anxiety, just some of the vestiges from the PTSS, and you are healing more every day. Just acknowledge it and let it go, reminding yourself that this fear is just left over from earlier days, and is not about today." Or, as one therapist said, we can say, "That was then and it was awful. This is now and it is over."

Kay, I hope you are having some nice days. And now, I hear a woodpecker trying to drill a hole in the wall of the house, so I'd better go shoo the birds away. Is Arlie all settled in and relaxed now that things are almost back to normal? How is your healing going? I imagine you are still on restricted lifting and a pretty strict diet. I am allowed to life ten pounds now.

I am beginning to plan some spring birding trips and camping out, probably over along the Mississippi Flyway and maybe a couple of birding excursions along the Missouri River as well, since there is much of it in Montana that I have not yet visited or birded. And because of these warm days, I am thinking about gardens, flowers, and vegetables, too. Thinking about doing the gardening solo seems possible, maybe on a reduced scale, whereas last year, I could not even think about working in the gardens without the tears welling up and being overcome with grief. I am still sad, but the sadness is softer now and easier to bear. Is the sadness really getting lighter, or is my heart getting stronger? I guess it does not matter, either way.

I hope the work at church is going well.

*<twinkles>*
fae

[kayc]

The recall just goes through 2006 and mine is 2007. I did ask the dealership but they said no recalls on my car. The light has gone off now, if it stays off, fine, if it continues, I'll get it checked. I've been told by several people that sometimes the computer has a hiccup. No free servicing...they want at least $100 just to diagnose it, who knows to fix it, don't know if they'll have the parts in as they have to first find out what code is indicated. So it could mean two 120 mile round trips and who knows how much $. Since it's intermittent, they can't diagnose unless it stays on.

I posted in furbabies thread about what is going on with Arlie (hurt foot), although I need to update it this morning.

The weather is beautiful this week but I almost wish it wasn't as I can't take Arlie out in it, and somehow it seems it'd be easier to stay inside if it was ugly out. Poor Arlie.

I am not on lifting restrictions but will continue to have many dietary restrictions due to many different conditions/ailments. A few days ago at the senior site they had lima beans and also had oil on the broccoli (no idea why, there was no flavor with it), I suffered so badly the rest of the day and some the next day! I will not eat them again, and as for the oil on the broccoli, if they ever do that again, I not only will not eat it, I will talk to them about it. No reason whatsoever to put oil in seniors' diet! I have to wonder about their "nutrition choices" sometimes. I always choose the heart healthy menu as we have two choices, but I may have to make exceptions. The pain was unbearable!

I've been experimenting with concocting Boca Burger recipes...still don't have it perfected but it's fun trying. The dog will help me eat my experiments. It calls for a lot of ingredients and dirties every dish in the kitchen, but kind of fun. I'm going low on the meat and carbs, high on the vegetables and getting moderate amounts of fruit in too...I can't go too high on the fruit with Diabetes. Having fun juicing and making fruit/vegetable smoothies!

I got a lot of work done at the church last Monday and could not have done it without Rose (previous Treasurer) there to answer questions or point me where to find things in the computer, etc. I am very nervous because I don't think she's going to be there any more and I don't feel ready to be on my own yet. We'll see!

I was approached by the interim pastor Monday...he wanted to know if I'd be interested in the secretarial position when it opens up, it's only $10/hour and it'd be four days/week, that's in addition the the unpaid day as Treasurer. I'm not sure I want to be gone that much or if I'd feel overwhelmed when I'm just getting my feet wet with the Treasurer position. I'm not sure if it'd help financially as I'd lose my medical insurance supplement and pay more in taxes plus more gas expenditure. I like being home with Arlie and just kind of adjusted to my "retired" life. I'm thinking about it but not sure. It's probably my last chance offer as I can't commute any more (I can't drive at night so full time is out of the question)...

[feralfae]

Sunday Morning.
It's snowing here--those big heavy flakes that ignore the breeze and fall straight down, rapidly collecting in a layer on the walks and Medicine Wheel/Kiva. The woodpeckers are voraciously pounding at the frozen suet in the holes of the suet log that Doug made.

Pygmy nuthatches are skittering around the sunflower feeder, making occasional forays to the suet log when they see an opening between the larger birds. I am taking a break, before Meeting, to enjoy the birds.

And yesterday was a bird day, too. I left fairly early and drove north to Freezout Lake, where Doug and I would go to watch the flocks of thousands of snow geese migrating. It is early in the year for snow geese, but there were 5 Trumpeter Swans at Freezout, paddling in the open water. Most of the ponds are thawed and open, and so the birds have begun to arrive. It may all freeze again this week, but for today, the birds are comfortable in their open water.

From Freezout, I drove over east to Benton Lake NWR, where the ponds are still mostly frozen. There were only a few mallards and a few Canada Geese there, so I make a casual tour, walking against the rising winds, then I headed back over to Freezout. Doug and I once spent a picnic day at Benton Lake, lounging on a hillside above a duck-filled lake, enjoying the sunny day and the absence of mosquitoes.

I spent a lot of the day letting the memories flow into me, acknowledging the sadness and grief, and also welcoming the gratitude and the joy as I remembered all the wonderful times we had on our trips. For the first Valentine's Day since Doug left, I felt at peace being without him at one of our favorite places. Memories filled my heart --of driving through Montana to visit friends, to go birding, to go to a dinner party. Memories of buying wine and chocolate. Memories of laughing about silly things and having serious talks about serious things.

This year was easier. It has been three years and a week since Doug left, and I am able to think of, remember, open my heart to acceptance, and cherish my days with Doug, our marriage, our love, and his leaving. It is as though I have entered a new level of grief, one that does not plunge to the very bottom of my broken heart, but instead, a new level that finds healing, a bottom, less pain,and gentler grief than last year. And as the falling snow is softening the landscape and bringing a sense of hushed safety, so the passing days are gradually, slowly, steadily softening and soothing the pain of Doug's escape, and bringing comfort to my heart.

I wish Doug were here, but the gifts of peace, patience, and healing that he brings to me every day as I pray are the best gifts of love, and the ones I need these days. And since he is no longer here, I must be content with this new balance, this continuing healing, and with the love that is still present around me and in my heart.

I had a Happy Valentine's Day. My day has been healing and filled with beautiful memories.

*<twinkles>*
fae

[kayc]

fae,

I found the first three years the hardest...not that it's necessarily any easier after three years but we do somehow get more used to it and little by little learn to adjust and cope. After that I don't find a whole lot of difference...if there is, it must be so subtle as to be imperceptible.

This weekend I've been wearing the necklace George had made for me, it has an infinity symbol on it and a ruby (for the fire/passion in our relationship) and on the back it says "Soulmates thru all time". It brought me great comfort this Valentine weekend. I'm still enjoying wearing my wedding band that has the same thing on it only with a diamond instead of ruby...for lasting endurance.

[kayc]

[enna]

Kay, I really like the picture you posted. Living alone is not my choice, but I am comfortable with myself when I am alone.

Fae, I love how you find beauty in nature. Your healing comes through in your descriptions as you drive around. It is always so good to exchange our progress whether it be giant leaps or those small steps we take through this grief journey.

At times, I have found myself without words when others open their hearts and share themselves here on this forum.

[kayc]

I don't think living alone was anyone's choice here, but it's not how we came to be in this situation so much as what we've made of it now that we're here. It's taken me longer than I care to admit to be at peace with just myself...maybe I'm a slow learner! Or maybe it was just a hard lesson. But I'm glad to be where I am in my life. Still, if I had my druthers, you know I'd have George back in a heartbeat!

[feralfae]

I know many of us are working on being more social. The link below will take you to a rather long article on coping with loneliness. Although some of the information is directed toward those in retirement communities or assisted living, there is a lot about how to become more social, how to make new social connections, and finding ways to connect.

https://www.caring.com/articles/loneliness-and-health