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Finding A New Way Of Being


feralfae

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Aha! My grief counselor just returned my call, and I have the names of two people who can help me with EMDR, so that is good. I am going to focus on healing from what Bessel van der Kolk calls 'inescapable shock' (as in the experiment with the poor dogs who were shocked while locked in cages and could not escape.) and this was good and resonated: "Trauma is an experience that simply overwhelms your coping mechanisms. You are reset to see yourself as helpless and the world as a dangerous place. Something that redefines your life."

So, even though I am taking the day off, I am going to go call the people she recommended.

I am also learning how much women have been traumatized. I think we all need healing simply from being women in today's culture. And I mean all women, everywhere, from Argentina to Zanzibar.

fae

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"Trauma is an experience that simply overwhelms your coping mechanisms. You are reset to see yourself as helpless and the world as a dangerous place. Something that redefines your life."

I love how this is stated, how apt!

I hope you have a good and restful day today.

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Kay,

I was thinking of you while I was writing that quote, with all you have been through emotionally, financially, physically, and legally. I know there must have been days when you felt helpless in the face of so much. You have come through it and are one of the most well-grounded, open, caring people I know. What would we do without you here? I will always remember how you told me you "had my back" when I was living in such terror early on. Even though you are not a towering hulk of a person, I felt that I had someone who was on my side and would help to protect me. It was a time when you knew, somehow, intuitively, that I needed to hear that someone was protecting me, even if far away. You were my angel that day. :)

I hope things are going well. Now that you have been away from that nightmare of a job for a while, your sense of joy and humor is shining on us all. I love it!

I wish you and Arlie a happy day. :)

fae

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Fae I have appointed you my guru! I just love the way you write. I can relate to it so well. Had a strange experience whilst at Rainie our daughter's house. She has a clock on the wall that regulates itself from ???? Oh you know, it's always correct. Anyway whilst we were sitting near it the fingers suddenly began going round and round really fast. She thought maybe the battery had gone, but after a minute or two they went back to the correct time. I thought of the time not long after Pete died when his watch that I was wearing suddenly started ticking audibly (normally you can't hear it) just for a minute or two and then went silent. I just wondered .....?

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fae, One of the happiest days of my life was when my ex-boss contacted me and wanted me to go to work for him one day a month, filing. Ha! I knew he'd heap more and more and more upon me and contact me all times in between, the man knows no boundaries. It was my privilege to give a quick resounding "NO!!!" to him! :D

Jan, It sounds like the day I had yesterday, working at the church, I was trying to deal with the EFTPS (government) and the mouse quit working, the number pad on the keyboard quit responding, and my cellphone kept turning itself off. I felt like the place had a virus that just attacked technology! After struggling for a full hour to get our routing number changed so I could make a payment to the gov't, I couldn't wait to get out of there, and trust me, they did not make it easy! I've never seen such a convoluted way of having to do something, change pin, change password, change enrollment #, log out, log in, fill out forms, change password and pin again...all with a mouse that won't work! Of course, I couldn't find any batteries around there. When I got home I didn't want anything to do with technology! :) Who knows what got into the clock, but probably the same thing that got into my phone, keyboard, and mouse!

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Jan, you know you are your own guru, the best one there is. I hope your littles are both well and happy now, and that there is no illness in their home. I remember being a young mom with two little toddler girls, and how I agonized when they were ill. They just hurt and felt bad, and all I could do was console them.

I love the watch story, and boy! was that ever a message from Pete!

Kay, I remember when you got to say that resounding "NO!" to that creep. I think we were all so proud of you for not caving in and helping him just because you are such a caring and compassionate spirit. You stood up for yourself and did not give in, and that was super! Way to go! :)

Sorry you are needing to deal with the bureaucracy.

It has been a wonderful lazy day here. I finished my Agatha Christie mystery, did not do any grief or PTSS work other than calling the two therapists, and just a few minutes ago, I went out and looked at the stars. Oh, and I wrote a long bit to the chaps about QM and our sense of efficacy, and now they are all chiming in, mostly favorable. It is tough for them to have a woman in their discussion, anyway, and now there are two of us. the other one, also a climber, is an anthropologist from Nepal. Very neat person, sort of like every one here. :) {{{hugs}}}

*<twinkles>*

fae

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I had my annual physical this morning, although I won't have the blood test results back for a a few days, everything else checked out fine.

My very best girlfriend had surgery today for ovarian cancer. This is her third cancer surgery. I am not with her, because her sister and niece are there and she does not want more company. She lives in Portland, and she told me that it if becomes unendurable, she will exercise her option. She has been through a lot, and I could not think of anything to say to her. So I am just being here for her, and keeping her close in my heart and in prayer. Her health problems began after her husband died almost ten years ago, and have progressed slowly but inexorably, it seems.

For me, I feel myself a bit more back in the flow of life. I am doing another birding guided tour tomorrow, here in the valley, to several riparian areas. I will be watching for any warblers or vireos. The migrating waterfowl and Sandhill cranes are coming through. So lovely.

Anne, I appreciated Bill's Mary's article. Thank you for the link, as I had not checked it in a few days. Yes, we are not ill: we are grieving, which is a normal part of life. And I have come to think that this sense of loss and this sadness will be a part of my being from now on, but that gradually, the balance will shift to more joy and enjoyment of life, and less sense of the heaviness of this grief burden I carry these days. That seems to be the trend. I do look forward to feeling more capable, more whole, and having more efficacy.

My doctor (for my physical) told me today that she knew of many instances of long-term caregivers leaving before their patients, so debilitating can be the role of caregiver. Well, one more reason to say how thankful I am that we are all here, making our way. This is a most loving and compassionate place we have here, thank you Marty. :) And whether we were caregivers or not, it is a wonderful happenstance that we are here and have each other as we continue on this journey of living a life.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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fae, Congratulations on the good health report! I trust the blood tests will come back equally well. :)

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{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

Below is the song that encapsulates our last discussion the night before Doug escaped. :)

And so, here is our next-to-last of our favorite songs that I share to celebrate that I am alive and thriving three years later. Although I had it all planned, I did not leave to follow Doug three years ago. I am still here, so I still have a job to do. :)

Dar Williams The One Who Knows

It is a promise we made to each other.

namaste,

fae

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I don't know where you found a song like that, I've never heard it before. It says so much...

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Kay,

We had a very outspoken but loving feminist activist who worked with us in human rights, and she found the most wonderful music to share with us. She was often gone for days while she went to concerts of these performers. We had so much beautiful music in the office. She still works for the NFP, but now from her home.

Yes, I love that song and all that it speaks to us.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Fae, very good news that everything is looking fine on the health front. I am so glad for you. I loved reading Agatha Christie, I have not read her in years. I need to start reading her again. I loved Miss Marple and Hercule Poirot. My two favorite detectives.

Jan, loved your message from Pete with the clock, and once before with a watch. Maybe he is trying to tell you that time does not matter. I have no doubt that he was reaching out.

QMary

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That does sound like an explanation...

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Jan, I imagine just noticing things will help. A side benefit for me was that I began to notice nature around me a lot more, and that has been very healing.

And speaking of healing, I got my test results (in the mail) today, and my lab results (cholesterols, blood sugars, etc) were all normal. So I am celebrating with a nice $6 cup of decaf Mexican mocha. Somehow, the price had gone up a dollar, and when I handed the barista a $5 she gave me a funny look. That used to cover the $4.25 coffee and her tip. I could tell she was embarrassed to tell me that it had gone up. I will adjust. :)

I think we still have our prayer circle going for our darling Anne, right? I agree with Marty: we need our data ASAP! There is a lot one can learn from the test data on line at reputable sites such as Mayo and Sloan-Kettering and and other good sources.

{{{hugs}}} to us all, including some for me. I saw a homeless-looking vet today, about Doug's age and build, wearing his army jacket from 'Nam still, with a gray beard and pony tail. He looked very sad and afraid. I smiled and waved, and he bowed. If Doug were here, he might have brought him home for lunch and dinner, and a long healing visit, but I cannot do that all alone. It brought tears to think of all the deeply wounded, broken-hearted veterans out there who are still stumbling around in a storm of PTSD, not able to trust anyone, and even afraid to trust themselves. I think we are a terrible traumatized species, and the only thing I know to do is be compassionate. And keep healing my self. Of course.

fae

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Congratulation, fae! I would be elated if my cholesterol and triglycerides were normal, but I'm afraid I am my dad's girl. :( Bad genes! the way I'm eating I don't see how it could be otherwise, but I know from the past that it is.

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Kay, dear one,

I think you are doing a wonderful job of keeping yourself as healthy as you can, and I can see such a wonderful difference now that you are away from "that place" and have time, energy and calmness to take better care of yourself.

You have come so far with your "shaping up" campaign, and I am glad to see how well you are doing. Give it another six months or another year of doing very healthy things now that you have, I hope, less stress. Especially in the areas where you were above normal, and you might see more gains in good numbers. I think with all the stress you were under at work, some of your body's wiring may have been thrown off. Since you have been able to move away from the emotional stress, I think you are healing your body more and more. Look how far you have come! I am so proud of you! {{{hugs}}}

It is blustery and chilly here. There are huge mountains of clouds spilling over the Divide, and the strong wind is crisp and rather cathartic. I like to stand in the wind sometimes.

I hope you and Arlie are having a lovely time, and that you are enjoying the days and your healing. Keep being kind and loving to yourself, dear heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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It was 18 years ago when I was diagnosed with high cholesterol and triglycerides and at that time I was walking 6 miles a day and eating 1000-1200 calories with 10 grams of fat. I should not have had high anything! The doctor said it was my genetics, that's why he put me on statins. I was, however, in a stressful marriage and job at that time, so who knows how much that may have contributed. I try not to worry so much about outcome, be it weight or test results, instead focusing on "doing the right thing". We are all dealt a different hand, but it's in how we play them that we make as much difference as we are able.

Tonight I can't say as we enjoyed our walk...poor Arlie, the hail kept hitting him in his eyes and he kept blink-blinking! He wasn't wearing his coat tonight because it was fine when we started our walk, had he worn it, it has a visor that would have kept the hail out of his eyes. :( I just hurried us home as fast as I could so we could dry off! The next few days will be rain/snow. If it'd be the white stuff that he could run and play in, he'd love it!

Time to go check the fire... :)

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You have such a wonderful attitude! I am sorry to hear about the hail, though. We have had high, blustery winds today. I could see the spindrift coming off the top of Red Mountain, which is on the Divide. So your weather may be headed our way. We had a sprinkle of rain today. The sun kept the house warm until the clouds spilled over the Divide, so I built a little fire tonight.

I hope you and Arlie have a cozy and peaceful night's sleep.

fae

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We did have a nice cozy evening. This morning I headed up the little hill behind the pole barn to get some more wood with my wheelbarrow. I thought I had the wheelbarrow stabilized, resting on a piece of lumber so the ground wouldn't give way, but when I got it full, it all toppled over on me! I'm going to have nasty bruises up and down my leg tomorrow. :( I dumped it all out and started over, this time positioning the wheelbarrow differently. The wood is in a precarious place because it was the only place for it at the time...the rest I have is curing so I'm trying to use up the only dry wood I have. Will be glad when I don't need to build any more fires this season!

We had a cold front move in, dropped temperatures about 20 degrees. I hope it dissipates before heading over Montana!

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