Feel Like I Am Losing Love

[Tim23]

Hello everyone,

My girlfriend and I have been together 5 years now and it has been a great relationship, very few rocky roads and mostly just a great time. Her father passed away this last May due to a 2 year fight with cancer and she has seemed to have been fine up until this point. We moved in together this August (we are both 22) and it was really going well until late October/early November. She got very stressed from school and completely shut me out. By this I mean no talking, no love-making, no contact, no anything really. I confronted her about it and she said she was sad due to the holidays and needed space as she was not used to living with someone else yet and she wanted more friend/"her" time. She is a very private person and really needs her own space to de-stress from a day and just sit and do nothing. She said she needed to figure things out about her emotions and had no intention on breaking up or leaving me for someone else.

I gave her the space she needed and she has gone out with friends almost every day (very unlike her character) and has avoided all attempts of me to have a date night. Her mood has gotten better though and she is more engaging and will actually talk to me. However, there is still no physical intimacy. I ask her about this and she said she is just not in the mood and feels she needs to be selfish right now and do what she wants to do (be with friends and have fun by herself). She has began to cuddle up against me and hug me for long periods of time, but there is no deeper level of connection towards me nor does she want to go on dates with me (I have suggested it and she denies wanting to).

Now she is on college break and went home for a month and things just don't seem right. She has always kept in contact with me during the breaks and always has attempted to spend time with me while we have been home, but this time she is very distant. She only texts me for things she needs and does not attempt to hold a conversation. She has shown no interest in wanting to see me or be with me at all while she has been home. I asked her why she is being distant and she said she is not trying to push me away, she just needs time. She says she is feeling depressed and needs to figure out how to get over this feeling grief she has.

So, is there hope in this turning out for the better? Should I just keep to myself until she pushes for my attention? or should I actively pursue with her? Will distancing myself only drive her away for good? Thank you for the help!

P.s. I have talked with some of her friends and they did not even pick up that she is feeling this way. She seems to not want to share her feelings with anyone and not just me. Yet she will only hang out with them and push me to the side.

[kayc]

I don't know if you've read any of the other threads in this section, but her response is very common for someone who lost someone close. I wish I could tell you if you handle it a certain way, it will have a certain outcome, but that's not the case, because it's not about you or what you do/don't do, it's about her and what she is going through. I do know that grief changes a person and they aren't the same as they were prior to their loss. Not everyone that grieves pushes their partner away, but those that do, really seem to. It's important to respect her wishes and give her the space she asks for. At the same time, you will be grieving what you are now missing in your relationship. It's important, while she is focusing on her space and good times with friends, that you focus on yourself, maybe reconnect with your friends/family, join a gym, taking some classes, start a hobby, something that is for YOU. If you do anything she construes as pressure, no matter how well intended, it will push her away. Sometimes it seems as if it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario, but it's not something either of you chose, it just is what it is. Remember, this isn't personal, it just feels personal.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it hurts and it's so perplexing. So many of us here have been through it.