Yule Log — A Place For Remembering, Celebrating, And Sharing During Th

[feralfae]

I decided to go ahead and start this today, mostly because Anne inspired me with something she sent that I hope she will post here.

This is a place to share your feelings, memories, stories, photos, and gratitude for the love we have had and still have in our lives this holiday season. Sometimes I think I am so overcome with the sadness of missing Doug that I forget the wonderful times we had. Christmas was special for us, and we usually cut our own tree and decorated inside and outside, whether here or in Alaska.

I think each of us, in our own way, both celebrate the loving memories and accept the sense of loss and its sadness that well up in our hearts during this special time. For some of us, it has been a few years. For others, it has been only a few weeks or months. But for each of us on this grief journey, feelings can become more acute and the loss can be felt more sharply during these days when families, friends, and especially loved ones gather.

Here, round our own Yule Loge, we can welcome the return of light, share our rituals and memories, and find our way to more peace and reconciliation with who we are and where we are today on our journey.

Welcome to this special fire. Please share your feelings and thoughts here.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I think this is what you are referring to, fae. I like your idea of the Yule Log thread. This will be a good place to come during these next few days to share memories.

I will be back as I hope others join this thread.

The meaning of Yule.

[enna]

My third Christmas without you. This hole in my heart remains an open wound.

"As long as we live,

they too will live, for they are now a part

of us as

We Remember Them."

~ Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack Riemer

[KarenK]

The lights of Christmas joy dimmed considerably for Ron and me in 2008 when Debbie was diagnosed with cancer as we knew in our hearts that her time was markedly limited. Still, we contributed with gifts and as much happiness as we could muster. For me now, the lights barely shine as I struggle to remember the happier times past.

Gone are the days of the 7' tree with all the beautiful decorations and so many presents you could barely get near the tree. Gone is the Christmas night drive around the city appreciating folks' magnificent displays. Gone are the day after Christmas sales with all the huge discounts on decorations and childrens toys. Gone is the anticipation of receiving a special gift from the ones I love, not for the material or selfish reason of wanting the gift, only for the fact those loved one are gone forever.

And last, gone for me is the real reason we celebrate Christmas.

Peace to each of you,

Karen

[pmentzer]

That was a beautiful post.

Thank you

[Wifflesnook]

For Pete and I our festive celebrating began with the Winter Solstice, which is of course tonight. Pete produced a wonderful ceremony involving candles and poems, using our local poet, Robin Skelton's ideas. Robin was born here in the East Riding and was an academic who went to Canada and combined his poetry, and his academic life with being a pagan. So he had lots of ideas and Pete used them to make lovely ways of celebrating the imprtant events of the natural year. Until Pete died we carried on these ceremonials. Alone I can't do it. Indeed I can't even go to the filing cabinet and get the notes out. I doubt I ever will. All I can do now is light candles, and sometimes read poems to myself. I lit candles tonight and toasted Pete in front of his photo. I wish you all a peaceful winter solstice, as full of comfort and maybe joy as possible. Jan

[kayc]

One of my best Christmases was spent with George and my kids...my son built a purple computer for my daughter (we'd paid for the materials, he'd put in the labor). He had it in the living room because he'd been working on it, and my daughter dropped by. We looked nervously at each other, not wanting her to spot the computer, and afraid to make a move for fear of drawing her attention to it. Just then the Christmas tree started to fall over, and her and my son and George made a bee-line for it...while I whisked the computer away into the closet, taking advantage of their momentary preoccupation. George tied the top of the tree to the wall with a fishing line. We later laughed about the Christmas tree saving the day. I still remember her opening her presents...she opened the mouse. Her eyes lit up in anticipation as she said, "Is this what I think it is?!" and my son answering, "Yes, it's a mouse." and her grappling for more hints..."But does it go to something???" And then him opening the closet and getting out the rest of the computer. George and I sat on the couch, like a plump old couple, holding hands, thinking, "It doesn't get any better than this"...Christmas carols in the background.

[LarrysGirl]

Love this picture Kay, such a happy time with George. Such cherished memories we have! On a funny note, Larry always dressed accordingly.... Red sweater and green turtleneck and Christmas socks!! makes me laugh now, my family is so stoic they didn't know what to think of it. I LOVED every minute of it!!!

[kayc]

Deborah,

Your comment made me laugh as I remember one year George went out and looked and looked for a man's Christmas sweater, he wanted one too! He came home all pouty because they make lots of them for women and he couldn't find anything for men! We ended up finding a green sweater and sufficing with that. He, too, loved to dress the part.

[feralfae]

Here it is Christmas Eve. Usually, we would be having people over today, and making plans for some fun winter activity for today and tomorrow.

As it is, I was sitting alone, feeling very alone, when the phone rang yesterday, and my friend MaryB was calling. She had just finished her day, and so I invited her over for tea. I also had a small package of gluten-free cookies, so we each had a cookie and some delicious tea. She let me talk about Doug, and our life together, and we reminisced about past holidays, and parties Doug and I had here, and once, when she and her husband Jack were here, how we had all gorged ourselves on chocolate-dipped strawberries at one of our New Year's eve parties.

Then, I began to cry, missing Doug so much. Mary suggested we drive into town so she could check some construction she was having done on a condo, and so we did. Later, after she checked the construction, she asked if I'd like to have her drive me through one of the neighborhoods, so we could admire the lights. We spent almost an hour, slowly cruising up and down the streets, enjoying the beautiful displays of lights. I have not put up even a wreath this year, since I cannot climb a ladder or do most of the things required for decorating.

In any event, I came home much cheered, for having been out and about, and having Mary with me so I could talk about Doug. Today, I am going to give myself the gift of a gentle day and time to write in my journal, to remember past Christmases, and to find some Christmas photos to post here tomorrow.

This time of year, especially Christmas, brings up so many memories of times with Doug, whether building ice towers in Alaska, trimming a big tree with the godchildren, or simply walking in the snowy forests. I am learning to cherish those memories, and the life we had together, even as I acknowledge that the grief and pain of this huge loss is always going to be a part of my life. The pain has softened a lot, and the sweet memories remain. That is the best gift I could have this Christmas.

I know so many of us are new to loss and grief, and feeling the open, raw wounds of loss. My heart goes out to you. When you can, come here and share your journey, for there is healing, even in the sharing of the grief.

Merry Christmas and Peace to our hearts these special days.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae,

I'm so glad your friend not only visited, but took you out to see the lights! I, too, miss that, esp. as I no longer drive at night. What a treat! So much we take for granted until it's gone.

I am content to be at home by the fire, just taking care of myself and having the freedom to watch a movie on t.v. and sip on my mint tea, compliments of my sister!

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

So glad you are home. Our medical system has fallen into miserable profit-tking it seems, more concerned with making as much money as possible than caring for patients as best as is possible. You will heal faster and stay healthier at home, I am sure.

Keep resting and let your body have all the energy it needs for healing.

fae

[HAP]

Dear friends,

This is my fifth Christmas without Jane, but the first I will spend in the house we built 20 years ago. My father-in-law has stage 4 prostate cancer that has gotten into his bones. This may well be his last Christmas. We lost my father this year. My brothers and sisters will get together without him tomorrow. But I will stay here. I will make dinner for my in-laws and wrap a present for each of them. Jane's sister said this morning as we walked the local mall that it does not feel like Christmas. I'll try to do something about that.

My youngest brother came to visit last week for a few days. I think he'd rather I was spending Christmas out there, but he also knows I like what is left of Jane's family. Her sister never married and Jane and I married too late to have children. They will sit alone staring at each other and waiting for death without some kind of intervention.

After I dropped Gail off at her house this morning following our walk, I went to the bagel shop on the corner. Jane and I ate lots of bagels the week after Christmas. There was no reason for this. We just did. Then I went to buy wine for tomorrow's dinner. Jane's sister likes a particular kind of merlot with blackberries, so I got her a bottle of that. I have the fruitcake I made earlier in the month that I have to wrap up later, as well as a couple of trinkets. I can't imagine a Christmas without wrapping paper.

While I was out, I picked up a chocolate croissant for breakfast tomorrow. That, with a cup of hot chocolate, was our traditional Christmas breakfast. I already have the cocoa. We ate in bed and then unwrapped presents there. I'll get up tomorrow and eat at the kitchen table. Then I'll start cooking and preparing. I'm not sure whether we will eat here or at my father-in-law's apartment. He comes home from rehab later today and how he feels will determine where we will eat. Regardless, eventually, I'll be home alone.

I'll be alone tonight as well. I am debating going out to a local Methodist Church for a Christmas Eve service. I was baptized a Methodist when I was nine. It's been years since I was in a church of any kind. Jane was raised a catholic and we went to Christmas mass to keep peace in her family more than anything else. As I've said before, neither of us was particularly religious in any traditional sense. I am aware that my interest in the church service tonight is purely to get out of the house and to try to recapture a tiny part of my youth. More likely, I'll stay home and listen to Christmas music. I'll remember the nights wrapping presents and waking up like two children on Christmas morning.

This year I'll also remember the four Christmas Eves and Christmas Days I spent with my father in Seattle since Jane's death. We both understood the other's pain in ways my brothers and sisters could not. I will miss that tonight especially. The gathering of the clan tomorrow I will miss somewhat less--though I will still miss it. And it will be different this year. It will be our first year as orphans--the first year we are entirely on our own.

But I have been an orphan in many senses for four decades. When they moved west, I stayed behind. I was a college junior and headed into a profession that did not afford me much money for travel and other luxuries. I spent more time with my biological family the last four years than in the previous 35 years combined.

I talked to an old friend in Ohio the other night. I told her about sitting alone and just looking at the tree. She told me she doesn't put one up anymore--that looking at the lights only reminds her that she is alone. Jane told me she wanted me to put up a tree every year if she died because she knew how much having a tree means to me. It is a symbol of all the holidays in my life at this time of year. We observed Solstice and Sun Return and Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanza and Yule and... The tree is an important symbol in most of those--and the lights in all of them. Putting the tree up is hard to do emotionally--but it is a necessary thing. Hard as it is to deal with, not having it would be even worse.

The majority of the ornaments on the tree are ornaments Jane made. There are two swans with our names painted on them in glitter that are always next to each other. A gingerbread couple is also never parted by more than a branch. I especially treasure one she made for our first Christmas together, one of two cross-stitch ornaments she designed from scratch exclusively for us. The other is of our house the year we moved into it. She crocheted snowflakes one summer and painted a dozen wooden stars another. She also cross-stitched ornaments for each of the 12 days of Christmas.

Jane loved jazz played on the saxophone. We have several CDs and tapes of Christmas music that feature the sax as a jazz instrument. I am listening to those this afternoon as I write this. Periodically, tears interrupt the writing. Right now, "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" has my eyes welling up. There is real irony in that song. I've had too many losses the last four years--Jane the worst of them by far.

But in this season when things seem--and literally are--darkest, the sun has begun its slow return. Each faith finds comfort in that--and always has. Let each of us find that same hope in our individual darknesses. The sun will rise again tomorrow and stay with us a bit longer every day--and love will glow again in our hearts. We may never again love as we once did, but that love is still in us. It wants only the slightest addition of fuel and the slightest breath of new air to again blaze up and light the world, not only for ourselves but for others.

Five solstices have passed since Jane's death, five Christmas Eves and Christmas Days, five Festivals of Light, five Sun Returns, five Yules--five of every festival of light there is in all the faiths on this rock. Our love for those we have lost, our love for those gathered around this fire, our love for all of those huddled on this planet, our love for the poor, for the hungry, for the homeless, for the sick, for the weak, for every human soul--living or dead--can light the world and warm it.

And so I say to all of you what I have spent the last few days saying to myself: While we must remember the losses we have suffered--we must also never lose track of what remains--and what remains for us to do.

I observe each of the myriad holidays this time of year holds. We follow many different paths here. To each of you, I give the words this season asks that we exchange--from blessed be, to light, to Merry Christmas, to Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year and all the thousand variations. The sun is rising in the heavens and it raises us with it. Be well.

Peace,

Harry

[feralfae]

Christmas Eve

It has been a busy morning of telephone calls from family and friends, doing a few things around the house, and then gathering myself together to have some time of quiet reflection and remembering. Christmas Eve has always been a special day for me. As a child on the ranch, we would go out and cut a tree, after much debate about which tree was the best one. We would string cranberries and popcorn, make paper ornaments, and decorate the tree with our creations. Only at the very last, after everything else was on the tree, would Gram bring out the precious box of glass ornaments she inherited from her mother, my great-grandmother, and gently and carefully tie them to the tree's branches with ribbons. Some of the ornaments were a bit scorched, having survived an earlier Christmas Tree fire. But we were not allowed to touch them, because they were, in some cases, slightly cracked and glued/taped back together.

Then I grew up, got married, and had my daughters. I remember the first Christmas we had after both girls were born, when we made paper ornaments, strung popcorn, and used our "new" ornaments on the tree. Presents seemed to be plentiful, usually lots of clothes from us and toys from godparents and relatives. We had huge Christmas dinners, the dining room filled with family gathered from across the country and sometimes from other countries as well.

Later, after I was married to Doug, he and I would alternate between Christmas here in Montana or Christmas in Alaska. We would go into the forest and find big Montana trees, and we had to buy a lot more ornaments to decorate these ten-feet trees, as well as Doug's fun in decorating one tree outside with huge red balls. (I hope to find a photo of that later today.) If we were in Fairbanks, we would decorate one of the Mpingo trees that grew in the sun room, bringing it into the living room for a week or so, and using little light-weight red and green and silver mylar decorations so as not to hurt the tree.

As much as I miss all these busy, hectic, festive days, today I am happy to be able to rest, to let my body keep healing, and to look forward to a nice dinner with my godchildren at their house. I look at my little stack of presents, mostly from our climbing family around the country, and I am touched and my heart is warmed by their love. I am looking forward to opening my presents tomorrow.

Mostly, I miss Doug. The pain of losing him has softened, and the good memories are far more prominent than the memories of his last days. As I sit here, remembering his voice, his smile, his wonderful warm hugs, and his magnificent spirit, I am so very thankful that we had the time together that we had, and that I have these wonderful memories to carry me through the times of sadness. This Christmas, my best present is that I can still feel Doug's love all around me, and remember the beautiful times we shared. As with all things, time passes and life brings changes. But for always, as long as I am here, I have the gift of these beautiful memories to warm and comfort me and to make me smile. I am so very blessed to have been loved so very much, and to have loved so very much in return. So, even though I wish he were still here, today I have Doug in my heart, and I can feel his love around me, and I am grateful for the gift of his love.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Harry,

We were writing at the same time.

Thank you for your wonderful sharing. I am touched and comforted by your warm words of remembering and of how you are making your way through this holiday season.

Merry Christmas, Praise for the Light, and all best and warmest wishes to you, dear friend. You have made my day better with your words.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

On this Christmas Eve as we all celebrate in whatever way we do I am posting this blog from our Mary here so those who do not visit the thread Tools for healing will have a chance to read it.

http://www.personalgrowthandgriefsupportcenter.com/reflections.html

I wish for all of us to have peace this holiday season.

Anne

[HAP]

Dear Fae,

Thank you for your kind words. I hope the faerie folk are behaving themselves and letting you heal without further interruption and distraction. Be well, always.

Harry

[Smudgie]

Wishing you all as much happiness as can be at this time, and hope for 2015.

This is my first Christmas without my dear Carole and my mother and is every bit as hard as I feared. I remember well the Christmases when I was a child, a joyous, magical experience that I tried to reproduce each year as an adult (and without children). Now all the joy has run out and I sit alone without decorations and not any family within 3000 miles, just memories left now.

I shall be glad when the season is over and I can return to the new normal, such as it is.

Sorry if this is depressing.

Peace.

[shalady]

It is good to remember happier times. I try to remember the Christmas's past spent with my Bob. I guess I took it all for granted and thought we would be together forever. I too am alone with no family close by. I do have wonderful friends and will spend time with them as long as I am not too sad, don't want to ruin their holiday. I also will be glad when the holidays are over, I don't know what the new normal is or what to expect. I still go day by day, hour by hour. I cry at the drop of a hat. I hope that is not the new normal.

I wish everyone a joyous Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

[enna]

We do the best we can.

[feralfae]

Dear Smudgie,

It is not depressing, although it is very sad. When we have lost someone we love, we are of course filled with great sadness. I remember my first Christmas without Doug. I simply sat and cried most of the day. Every time I would look at anything that reminded me of him, the tears would flow harder. I am glad you are here with us. Even if some of us are far away from family and friends, we are here together around our healing fire, a tribe of healing hearts, caring for and consoling each other, being gentle and kind to each other. We have suffered great losses, and have been bent by great grief and sadness. Even as we gather up the pieces and begin to rebuild our lives, we know that things will never be the same. New happiness may be found, but the happiness we had will live forever in our memories, held in our hearts to cherish and bring us comfort.

Come be here with us, and share your stories and your grief. We will all understand.

Blessings and Peace to you this day.

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Shalady,

I don't think any of us know what the new normal is until we begin to feel ourselves living into it. Much of what I know about the new normal is what I have learned here from others, including from Marty and Mary. I know I am not at my new normal yet, but I am having less deep and sharp pain of loss than I was at Christmas of 2012, which was my first Christmas without Doug. I still feel this empty place in my heart, but it is softened and buffered by the love I feel from him even after almost three years.

I am glad you are spending time with friends when you can. Being with others can sometimes help, especially if you can talk about Bob quietly with some of them. Tonight, I will be with our godchildren, and no doubt we will remember Doug and perhaps even laugh at some of the funny things he would do. In any event, I am gathering people around me in a close and caring circle, helping to fill in the huge gap left by Doug's death. I know that empty spot will always be there, but at least it hurts less when I can be with others who loved him and whom I love as well.

Blessings and Peace to you this day,

fae

[shalady]

Fae, I hope you have a wonderful night with your godchildren. I hope you are able to share the fond memories you have. I am very glad your pain has lessened a little. I think being around others for a little while is a good diversion, if only for a bit. We can also celebrate that Kay is home and is on the mend. I wish you peace and comfort.

Have a wonderful Christmas Eve.

Shalady

[kayc]

Today it snowed here and my BIL was bringing some medicine up to me and I didn't want him to fall on the slippery ramp, so I decided to clear the snow from it. Now before you all chew me out, I have already received a double dose of that...please hear me out. I have a snow shovel that is plastic, very light weight, and it is shaped like the plow on a snow plow, about 2 1/2 feet wide. I had under 1" of snow, so it was light weight, and I was anxious to try it out on my new ramp. My old one had vertical rails so you'd have to hoist it up over the rails, very heavy/cumbersome. My new ramp I designed to have horizonal rails, about a foot higher than the ramp, so when I push the shovel, the snow goes up/out the side...over the side of the ramp into the back yard. Effortless! It worked like a charm! Now it wouldn't be effortless if it was 6" and wet, but with less than an inch, it was featherlite. Still...it didn't look well for me when my BIL caught me...and my sister heard about it. I had to smile as I realized I really am my mother's daughter! It sounds so much like something she would do! She was like this pioneer/frontier woman, very independent and stubborn, hard working...I guess I'm like her. So I spent the rest of the day being good, fiddling with paper work, trying to nap in between phone calls, taking it easy. I'm feeling good though and it's hard to keep down when you feel energetic!

[Smudgie]

Fae, thank you for your kindness, I love to read your posts which are always uplifting although I am having great trouble with my spirituality at present and you are very much in touch with your spirit.

Lots of love

Simon aka Smudgie