Yule Log — A Place For Remembering, Celebrating, And Sharing During Th

[MartyT]

Kay, I'm sorry, but since you decided to share that with us, you're just going to have to endure my reprimand. Please, please consider what could have happened! You could have slipped. You could have fallen. You could have broken open a very fresh operative site. You could have ~ well, I think we all know everything that could have happened. Do you have any idea how we'd all be feeling now if any of that had happened to you??? I think I know you well enough to be able to say this to you, Kay. This was not good judgment on your part. This is engaging in very risky behavior, way too soon after surgery. How is it that you were more worried that your BIL would slip and fall than you were worried about yourself doing the very same thing? If you're going to be acting in the role of your own primary care giver in this immediate post-operative period, you must promise all of us that you will be much more careful, more responsible, more sensible, more realistic about taking better care of yourself. You are not Superwoman. I admire your spunk and independence as much as anyone here, but this was not using your own good judgment. This was reckless and unnecessary. Consider what you would have said to someone else if you were the caregiver in this situation. Would you have permitted your caree to do something like this? Why not? Please, please don't put yourself in such danger again ~ Will you promise me that? Otherwise, I will be in a state of worry about you for the next ~ well, for who knows how long. Is that really what you want?! End of lecture. Forgive me, but I care too much about you to think of you putting yourself in such danger, and I found your post to be very upsetting . . .

[enna]

Everything that Marty just said goes for me too!! We ALL love you and we worry. It is a good thing that you are too far away or you would be asnwering your door ~ guess who would be standing there? You know about eyes watching you. Please promise not to do something like that again.

[feralfae]

^^ Ditto what Marty and Anne said.

You are smarter than how you are acting.

This is the time to ask everyone else to do everything. Your BIL can clear the snow.

Consider yourself officially busted. We expect better self care from you, sweetie.

fae

[feralfae]

I have had a wonderful Christmas Eve, and would have stayed longer, but I am just plain tired.

My second eldest godson drove me home, and we had a wonderful visit. He is such a level-headed, excellent, smart young man. He is now 21, in pharmacy school on a full academic scholarship, and also dating a darling girl whom I love. They have known each other all their lives. I am so happy, because he has plans to make it "official" but I got to be one of the first to know. I am so touched, and it is a wonderful Christmas present for me.

We had a lovely dinner, with asparagus, braised mushrooms, elk steaks, grilled mixed vegetables, and delicious herbal teas. Everyone was relaxed and laughing, and we talked mostly about school, school plans, the swiftly-deteriorating weather, and the HUGE tree they have cut from their forest. What a delightful time. When we got to my house, my godson shoveled all the snow, helped me with bringing in my presents and the HUGE poinsettia they had for me, which is lovely, and then he drove off into the snowy night. We had such a lovely time, and I only wish I had more energy to stay longer, but I am learning to listen to my body a lot better these days.

We talked about Doug a little, but I could tell that they were trying to steer the conversation away from Doug and more into talk about the season, presents, plans, skiing, and fun things, so I went along, and truly, it did lift my spirits. It was very good for me to get out and be with family and have a fun time.

I am so happy to hear from people here. I will try to respond individually tonight and tomorrow, but right now, I am ready to slip into my PJs and rest for a while after a lovely evening with my beloved godchildren.

Blessings and Peace to us all,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[shalady]

Merry Christmas Fae. I am SO happy you had a wonderful time. It sounds delightful. What special people you have in your life. It must be so nice hearing them make plans and sharing the fun. I am glad they are so happy. You get some good rest and we will connect again later. I am deciding if I shall stay home or go out today. I am leaning toward staying home, a little too sad right now, but that may change. Have a wonderful day.

Shalady

[feralfae]

Merry Christmas!

I woke this morning to more beautiful snow covering everything around me. Even the trees in the forest are wearing little white elf caps of snow on their branch tips. But it is not a lot of new snow since my godson shoveled last night. Just a little dusting more.

Today, I hope to focus on the beauty of the day, the wonder of nature, and the love I feel all around me. I hope to remember wonderful Christmases back over the years, from the days of my own early childhood through the years of Christmas with children, and into these years of being an empty-nester, and later, Doug's presence. Now I am here alone again, but it is not a sadness that fills me. It is a running-over cup of gratitude for a life that has been, even with all its ups and downs, remarkably filled with beauty, adventure, and people worth knowing.

We hold wonderful memories, and among the greatest gifts of life are the memories we can cherish and call up to remind us how wonderful life can be. I am looking forward to reading some of your stories and memories here today, as well as welcoming with loving arms those among us who need consolation and compassion today, as we travel on this grief journey, going through many of the first-year shifts and realizations of how much our lives have changed, and how much we are still trying to find our way on this new journey through grief.

Peace and Light for each of us today.

fae

[kayc]

No I didn't consider that I'd slip because in 37 years living here I've never fallen on the ramp shoveling snow. I would not have been out there had it been icy. I wear shoes with great tread that grip the floor and add stability to my stance whereas most people where heels, even 1/2" that change their posture without their being aware of it. I am used to the snow, my BIL is not. Be that as it may, I will refrain from doing it again just to appease you all. It was not stressful and did not require any straining, it was 1/2" newly fallen snow.

[feralfae]

Shalady, thank you so much for your kind words.

I hope you are having a peaceful and heart-directed day.

fae

[feralfae]

Simon,

Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes I think I have a good connection to spirit, but there are other times when I still get very lost and feel completely alone. I am reminded, however, that I am the one who has moved further away, not G*d.

fae

[LarrysGirl]

OMG KAY, can you hear my yelling????? I'm glad you felt like doing that but seriously...... give yourself a chance to recover. We LOVE you!! please for us... take it easy. Deb

[HAP]

Dear friends,

It's been a peaceful 24 hours. I went out to the home of some friends for a bit last night, then to the Methodist service I talked about yesterday. It was very informal with some readings from the Christmas story in Luke and lots of carols.

I was in bed by 11 and up before seven. I had my croissant and cocoa, then set to work getting ready for my in-laws. I baked bread and made lasagne roll-ups, picked up the house and wrapped some presents for them. Unfortunately, I broke my big Pyrex mixing bowl when I dropped a mug on it. Fortunately, everything was safely in the oven by then--nothing damaged but my pride.

One of the fruitcakes I made early this month went home with them, as did a box of chocolates. I'd found a National Geographic book of pictures from WWII for my FIL, who served in the First Marine Division, Fifth Regiment as a grunt in the Pacific. He has always been a student of the war, since they never told them where they were or where they were going next. I gave my SIL a bracelet the Jimmy Fund gave me for my work last year on NET cancer. It's a nice bracelet by Alex & Ani, but I am not much for wearing jewelry and she is. They were both genuinely delighted. I also sent them home with a loaf of bread and the leftover lasagne rolls. Gail hates to cook and that will make at least a couple of meals.

I had a pleasant conversation with Jane this morning when I first got up. I may make peace with this loss yet--but that day is still in the future.

Tonight, I'm going to watch "It's a Wonderful Life." It's time I reclaimed that, as well. It's not going to be easy but it's the next step in the process for me.

Kay, I'm not going to yell at you. Marty and Anne have done that. And I know what you were thinking because I would have thought and done the same ion all probability.

Simon and Shalady, be patient with yourselves. This all takes time. Give yourself permission to cry/scream/curl-up-in-a-ball when you need to. Four years in, I still have full-dress meltdowns. They are just less frequent and i go into them knowing I will come out the other side. That was not the case at all at the beginning.

Off to remind myself what it really means--and what it really takes--to be the richest man in town.

Peace,

Harry

[shalady]

Merry Christmas Harry. Sounds like you had a nice, peaceful holiday. I'm glad you were able to spend time with friends and family. Because I was having such a hard time I decided to stay home. I have a black lab and we spent the day together. He is so funny, he got some new toys and he just had so much fun. Thank you for the advice and kind words. It is comforting to know that what we are experiencing is common. I hope your holiday continues to bring you happiness. I wish you peace and comfort.

Shalady

[feralfae]

Harry,

Thank you for recounting your wonderful day and insights of the day for us. I have not yet begun to entertain following recent medical adventures, but look forward to having some close friends over soon. I am glad you had a good day.

I, too, am planning to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" tonight. I just haven't quite pulled together enough courage to begin it, however, so it may need to wait.

I am glad you had a good day a good visit with Jane, and cocoa and a croissant to begin the day.

Merry Christmas,

fae

[feralfae]

Shalady,

I spent the day alone as well, and actually enjoyed most of it, although I did have one meltdown when opening presents from friends in Alaska. But I have made it through. I was planning to go visit neighbors, but they decided to go visit their grandson, so I am here alone today, writing in my journal. sweeping snow, clearing wrapping and carton debris, and being thankful for my warm home, enough food, a warm coat, and all the blessings I have, even if Doug is not here. This has been the easiest Christmas since Doug left, so far, by far.

I don't have much planned for the rest of this long weekend, and no interest in shopping the sales. My heart is pretty numb right now, simply because here we are once again, going through another Christmas and New Year without our beloved. I am just going to honor my grief, and write a lot in my journal, and let the days work themselves out until I feel more able to respond to life again.

I will be thinking of you and your playful dog, hoping you two are keeping each other very good holiday company.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[HAP]

Fae, I understand your reluctance. This is the first year I've been able to face George Bailey. I cried like a baby at the end. But then I nearly always did before. Still, these tears were very different in many ways--though I don't want to go into that just yet.

[ohsosad]

Steve and I used to enjoy watching old movies together. I have avoided them since he died. I can't imagine watching them alone.

I always thought of myself as one who loved alone-time. Enjoyed it when Steve took trips. It gave me a chance to do things I never had time for when we were together.

Now I have all the time in the world. Suddenly alone-time is no longer so great.

I'm grateful Christmas is over, but the thought of all the hoopla to come next Wednesday/Thursday for the "wonderful" new year is another thing to wish away. 2015 will be the first full year without him.

Rita

[feralfae]

Rita,
The first year and more after Doug died, I would only watch funny, silly, but inspiring movies. I think I watched the Nanny McPhee movies twenty times each. It helped to have a sense of children, being grounded, and to know that there is still hope in the world. Many of the movies I watched with Doug I have not yet been able to watch.

I am sorry you are having so much sadness and I can only imagine how much you are missing Steve. I opted out of any New Year festivities this year. It is enough to make it through this season and to find some peace and more acceptance that Doug is truly gone, is not coming back, ever. Each day, I have been taking several deep breaths several time a day, and saying, "It's all right. He needed to go. I will be all right. His love and spirit are still with me." And then I take more deep breaths.

Last night, I had a dream that I was looking for him, and could not find him, although some people seemed to know where he was, but they did not know exactly where he was. So, in my dream, I finally decided that I needed to get back home, and I headed in that direction, never seeing Doug. I'm not sure what it all means, but I know that Doug is still very much in my heart, even if I cannot find his physical presence any more.

Facing the first full year without Steve will be filled with days of longing and sadness, but also some times of finding joy and peace. The first full year of Doug being gone, I was often wandering around trying to figure out why he would leave me, and feeling abandoned. But as the days went on, I slowly came to be able to pray and also I found this wonderful healing fire to share with others here. I think being here has helped me more than anything else. I am glad you are with us, even if not the reason, and I hope this next year will be a healing one for you.

Blessings,

fae

[ohsosad]

Fae,

Thank you for your words of comfort and wisdom. It does seem like this excruciating pain will never let up.

Rita

[feralfae]

Harry,

I always cry too. But I could not watch it last night. I opted to watch an old Cary Grant comedy, Arsenic and Old Lace instead, and had my Christmas chocolate frozen yogurt. It was a nice evening.

fae

[kayc]

I was too tired to stay up and watch a movie last night, having my daughter and SIL here, although wonderful, wore me out. Today I am just laying around. My neighbor dropped Arlie off for a few hours and will pick him up this afternoon. Arlie was worn out from playing in the snow with Sammy. He greeted me with kisses, and now he's napping in his favorite spot. The fire is going and it's a good day to be inside.

Rita,

I know how tough this is, believe me, we somehow make it through. We're here if you want to talk to someone. Always someone checking in.

[enna]

Fae, I just want to thank you for starting this thread. I think the Yule Log was a wonderful idea. In the past, it seems like so many disappear during the holidays so for me this gave people the opportunity to come and share their stories.

Anne

[feralfae]

Thank you Anne. It was my Christmas gift to us all. And since I am still too weak to do much else, this was something I could do for us while sitting around. I thought we needed a special place to reminisce and to share our experiences this Christmas season I will probably come back here next year and read what I wrote this year, which will help me to see how much healing I have done.

We are all on the same journey, just on our own unique path and our own individual place in healing and in finding a new way of being. We have so many people here who have been on this grief journey for several years, for a year or more, and some who have been here only a few months or weeks. For me, sharing my journey helps me to sort things and to recognize where I am as my heart is healing. For me, having others share gives me valuable insights into how others are articulating and validating their journeys, and helps me as I learn better ways to speak to myself and others about this grief journey.

I hope it has helped many of us to have this topic for this time. I guess we will all make it through the New Year, and then I will probably stop checking this very often. I have been helped a lot by having this place to come and share, read, and feel the caring flow among us around Marty's fire.

namaste

fae

[shalady]

I have been on this journey for just a few months. I came here to this thread often in the last couple of days. It gave me peace and strength as I made it through the holiday. I was totally drained today. I stayed home yesterday and cried all day. I know it is normal and many had the same experience. I thought I might be stronger but wasn't. I so appreciate coming here. Thank you for all you do.

[MartyT]

Your comments warm my heart. I can think of no more precious Christmas gift to me than knowing how much you all value this very special place. Blessings to each and every one of you, and I thank you for making this the place of refuge that it is for all who are fortunate enough to find their way here. ♥

[Queeniemary]

What a wonderful idea, Fae. Thank you for starting this thread.

I have not been on the site for several days, so much going on in my world, mostly good, but sad things also. Two older ladies, I am friends with their daughters, died just before Christmas, and I will be attending their funerals later today. My brother in law is now in a nursing home, and unlikely to go home. I visited him on Christmas Eve, he did not know me at first. My sister is out of hospital again, and back to nursing home. I think this will become her pattern. She is not doing well. Sorry, but these things have weighed on my mind this Christmas.

Christmas was not Mike's favorite holiday...he loved Halloween. However, we did have some great Christmas times together, with family, especially with the little ones. He enjoyed watching them opening their presents. This year I went to my friend Joe's house for Christmas Eve dinner. It is a tradition to go there, Mike and I used to attend every year. It was fabulous, prime rib, Brussels sprouts, potato casserole, Yorkshire pudding, Waldorf salad and Smith Island 10 layer cake. Afterwards my young friend Jamie and I went to the carol service, and the candle light service afterwards, was very special.

Five years ago Christmas Eve, Mike and I ate Christmas eve dinner at Joe's and then we all went to the church service, when we came out after midnight, it was snowing, and very beautiful. I am so glad I have that memory of our last Christmas Eve together. Just a few short weeks later he was gone.

I spent all day Christmas day cooking for my daughter and her girls, her grandmother, and we also had Michael my former son in law with us for dinner. A good time was had by all, and we all ate way too much food. I see a diet in my future....very soon.

December and January are not good months for me. My father and my oldest sister died in December, and my Mother and Mike both died in January. I just try to get through both months in one piece.

QMary