Yule Log — A Place For Remembering, Celebrating, And Sharing During Th

[feralfae]

Hello QMary,

I only started it, but we have all put it together.

You have a lot of changes and some sadness going on in your life right now, so I am glad you had a good Christmas Eve. My memories of our last Christmas filled my day, as I remembered Doug sitting on the couch, opening some presents and smiling, but not able to be up for long. Your Christmas Day at Home with family sounds wonderful, though, and I think it is traditional to eat too much.

I am fairly well resigned to letting the memories flow during January and early February, as 7 February will be the third anniversary of Doug leaving. Between now and then, the days seem to carry memories of that last month, in and out of hospitals, hospice, and the times we just held hands, stayed in bed, and talked for hours.

We will be here for you during this time as you make it through in one piece. I, too, think that is enough to hope for these coming months and days.

Happy New Year!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

QMary,

It sounds like you had a wonderful Christmas dinner! I'm sorry you lost two friends, I learned on Christmas that a friend had died three weeks earlier, I hadn't known as I've been wrapped up in my health issues and staying home for the most part. I was very sorry I didn't get to visit him again, he's been on my mind.

[feralfae]

Ah, remembering ...

I was picking up things here in the living room today, odd little bits of Christmas wrap, a couple of empty boxes, and some cards that I had not added to the stack.

As I walked across the room, I was overwhelmed with the image of Doug, sitting on the floor by the big Christmas tree, gleefully opening his gifts, wearing his Santa hat, and looking up at me with his eyes twinkling in excitement. He was having a real Christmas, which he hadn't had in a long time, off in Alaska with friends, but still pretty much alone.

And I though about myself this Christmas time, alone and wishing, longing, to not be so alone so much of the time. I wonder if this is the new reality of my life for a while. As I heal, I hope to get back to my volunteer work and being out with friends more. But for now, and maybe for a few more months, I am here, mostly alone, finding my way back to strength and health, and sorting memories of my life, back over the years of college, bringing up a family, moving from Illinois to Montana, so many memories of my life.

I don't mean to be wallowing in the past, but there is some comfort in putting a history trail together as I ask the question, "how did I get here today?" and I realize that there have been times in my life when I have followed David, and later, followed our children, and then, later still, followed Doug. There is nothing I would change, nothing I would give up, nothing I would take back, except that I would have Doug still here and healthy. That is not to be. I feel that my work now is to begin to find a way to reconcile to this loss while finding my own way forward with my life. I want to create a good life for myself, for my future.

I hope I have gained some wisdom and have learned enough to make some good decisions, and I am not pushing myself to make any moves until I am ready. I don't feel ready yet, so I will wait until I have a clearer picture of where my next step is supposed to take me. Patience is my big lesson.

And perhaps, it is the biggest gift I have learned from these years of learning to live without Doug: patience and acceptance of where I am today.

namaste,

fae

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Jane and would go out for an early dinner tonight, then come home and stay talking about the past and the future up until the ball dropped. We'd have a champagne toast at midnight and then go to bed. I still do the midnight toast and watch the ball drop.

New Year's Day we would go to her family's house for dinner. This year that will be renewed for the first time since she died--though who knows how long that will continue as her Dad is 89 and in poor health.

May this New Year help us each find new strength and new light.

Peace,

Harry

[feralfae]

Thank you Harry,

May the New Year bring you more peace, more joy, and more new adventures, whether walking or new campaigns for your owrk, or new mountains to climb.

All Best wishes,

fae

[KarenK]

Happy New Year to my many friends. Up until Ron became ill, we would go out to a neighborhood restaurant and then off to the casino for the Champagne toast. After a turkey sandwich I will still go to the casino for a bit. No Champagne toast or Midnight kiss, I'm afraid.

Love,

Karen

[enna]

As we enter another New Year my hope for all of us is that we honor the place we are in, we give ourselves permission to grieve for as long as it takes. May we recognize this sacred place as a safe place to share our feelings ~ knowing that no one here will hurry us along in our grief. May we listen with open hearts to others and make no judgments.

We are not alone when we come here. We belong to a special tribe and a fire that never goes out.

For all of you who are new to your loses have comfort in knowing that some of us were where you are today. We are here and we do hold you close just as others held us close.

Anne

[Queeniemary]

Happy New Year, my prayer is that this year will bring some healing, and peace to us all. Had a nice evening last night with friends, my daughter, and her former husband. (they are friends). We played card game Las Vegas Rummy, such fun. We all toasted the new year at midnight, watched the ball drop (an hour delayed) kissed good friends, ate way too much food, and I was home and in bed by 12:30. I was the designated driver in our car, so only just a sip or two of champagne for me. Today we are getting together again, to finish the left overs, watch a couple of bowl games, and play cards while we watch (Arkansas is not playing, so only slightly interested in ball games). Then on Sunday, my friends, the Middletons, are having a 12th night party (2 days early) at their home out in the boonies. THAT is the last of the holiday get togethers, and I am ready for life to return to regular schedule for a while. As much as I love my friends, I am ready for some down time.

As said by Harry, new strength and new light for each of us in this new year.

QMary

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

Let me add my voice to yours in wishing a Happy New Year to all.

May your days be filled with warm, special memories,

and may the spirit of Christmas be with you throughout the new year ~

May we be beacons of peace, love and light as we continue offering compassion, understanding and support to one another,

in this very special place we've all created here. ♥

[kayc]

I watched "A Kiss at Midnight", am enjoying the holiday movies, sappy and all. How George and I had it all, I have to remember, we haven't lost any of it, just the ability to share in it right now, but we both still exist and will be together again.

I'm hoping this is a better year, especially for you, Karen. I know many of the newer ones here are probably wondering how can it be a good year...that is a good question, it won't be like it was "before" but my prayer for each of you is that it will become a little more tolerable...we'll be here for you.

[feralfae]

I hope everyone is settling in to the new year and remembering that it is now 2015. The two checks I wrote yesterday were both dated 2014, but corrected.

Let this be a year filled with peace and healing, with love and sharing, for each of us. Let us find ways to rebuild our lives, to cherish our past, and to celebrate our love.

namaste,

fae

[Wifflesnook]

I wish, rather belatedly, all my friends here a blessed New Year. I've been with our daughter and the grands from 17th until 21st at Leeds and then they came here from 24th until today. Because little Ellie takes so long to settle in her own bed when here we finally succumbed and she slept in mine. A bonus apart from lovely snuggling was several dreams about Pete. Good ones. I think my body remembered him and that seems rather lovely really.

Since two days after Christmas I've had a really bad cold and cough. One of those that makes you feel really ill. So it's been a struggle at times, especially when I had to drive us to the theatre an hour away to see a pantomime. But it was worth it as the girls loved it. And then yesterday our daughter got one of her regular migraines (headache, vomiting, the works) so I had to step up and look after them alone for several hours, get them ready for bed etc whilst still feeling pretty bad. This all makes it sound like a difficult Christmas but those were the bad bits. Others have been lovely. The little girls are delightful. Time consuming and tiring but a blessing. They left two hours ago and I've been clearing and tidying and now I'm sitting quietly ready to call in the dog to sit with me. She has suffered a bit of neglect but I have neighbours with two dogs who offered to take her out with them in the afternoons and it's worked out well.

The weather isn't cold here but we have had gale force winds. The sky is clear tonight and I've just seen the sun set. Waving goodbye was difficult. Pete and I used to do that together of course and then turn into the house and sigh thinking how lovely it is to have visitors and how lovely to be alone together. Now it's memories, but I know how blessed I am to have our daughter and her two littlies. And on Sunday night I'm staying with our son who the next day will accompany me to the recall for a mammogram. I'm still worried about this but so many people have told me it's common to be recalled. And I'm glad he offered to come with me.

Anyway I'm starting a New Year meditation course. It began yesterday of course so I'm one day behind.

Thank you for being there, you lovely people around our fire.

Jan

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

So very good to hear from you, and so sorry about the awful cold. I hope you are feeling a bit better, and that the cold fades away quickly.

I loved your report on having time with the littles. I hope your daughter is better by now, and that you are getting things back in order, resting, and taking care of yourself as you recover from the cold.

I spent most of yesterday either on the 'phone with family, or visiting friends who stopped by, or at dinner with the retired president of our local Catholic College, a retired professor, and another friend who grew mostly in S. Africa, but went to London School of Econ. All fine gentlemen, all in their 80s, and I was their "mascot" for their dinner, and we had a lovely time, chatting about international economics, social justice, and law.

I am so happy to hear about your new Year meditation course. I am now meditating at least twice each day, morning and evening, and will probably keep it up through 7 February at least.

A very happy New Year to you, and so very glad that you are a part of our tribe here around our healing fire.

namaste,

fae

[kayc]

Jan,

So sory to her about your cold and your daughter's migraine. Sounds like a wearing but still lovely Christmas. I'm so glad your son will be here tonight.

My son and DIL left with their two dogs yesterday. I am considering having my dog stay with my neighbor next time they visit as their dog attacked Arlie on three separate occasions (we didn't witness one, but my neighbor told me about it). Arlie now has a 1" cut under/to the side of his eye. He was traumatized. For all his size and bark, he is not aggressive. The kids took their dog's defense and my DIL even went to the extent to blame one attack on Arlie, even though earlier she had said she had not seen what started it. Arlie was worn out and probably gave a warning growl to leave him be, but that was not reason for Bruno to attack him. He should feel safe in his own home. My cats had to be quarantined in the back bedroom because of fear of the dogs. My DIL said every time she comes to my house she gets sick because of the dander. ??? I fully cleaned my house prior to their coming, in spite of my surgery, washing all blankets that I keep on the furniture, changing bedding, vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing bathrooms, etc. as I do every time they visit. I think she needs to see an allergy specialist because I suspect she has an allergy to cats, but I'm not getting rid of my elderly cats to suit her. Needless to say, the visit did not go well, I was thoroughly exhausted and glad they left a day early. I'd bought her a rocking chair and a handmade afghan for her with matching pillow in her colors. She complained about the colors and never even thanked me for the gift. My son appreciated it, but I don't think there's anything I could do to please my DIL. She doesn't seem to like anything about me, whether it's my cooking or my beliefs, and I'm starting to feel the same way about her. I bite my tongue to try and maintain peace but I say something when I feel it's absolutely for my boundaries. I'd rather my son visit alone but that's not likely to happen, she doesn't want him away from her. I love my granddoggies but do not want my Arlie put through what he went through this weekend. He's been through enough, having to have been away from me for 1 1/2 weeks due to my surgery.

After they left yesterday, my neighbor, knowing I was upset, took me out for salad bar, and gave Arlie a ride in the back of his truck and back to his house where I'm sure he was happy to settle in with his dogs. One of his dogs ended up with a bite on the lip when my son's dogs visited, which they didn't acknowledge their dog could have done.

Am happy to have things return to "normal"...at least it soon will be once I can have Arlie home.

Jan,

Where did you find a meditation that lasts a year? I'd be interested in starting one, although we're now four days into the year...

[Queeniemary]

Kay, I am so sorry the visit with your son and DIL did not go better. This has been a time of much disappointment for you during your recovery. Ones that you thought you could count on have let you down, and I am so sorry. I am especially sorry about your children, I think they still have in their minds that you are a strong, independent woman. Which you are, but even us strong independent women need someone to take care of things occasionally. Especially when trying to heal from surgery, or illness.

Very happy the wood situation is now handled!! AND very happy your neighbor took you out to eat.

Sending you hugs, and prayers. Hope you get to spend lots of time with Arlie, and the time until he comes home to stay flies by.

QMary

[kayc]

It's been a learning experience, I guess it's shown me you can't count on people to come through for you, even when they say they will. Perhaps I should have gone to a care center for a couple of weeks...I hated the thought of that esp. at Christmas, but it would have been easier.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Tonight is Epiphany--the arrival of the three kings. For me, it is all about light dawning in the brain. It is the end of the Festival of Light and the beginning of the work of the new year. Usually, Jane and I were back at work by now. The tree came down after New Year's, depending on when we had to go back to work. We both loved having the tree up but knew we would not have time to take it down once school was back in session.

The luxury now is that I can wait to take it down until January 7 wherever it falls. But it is a bittersweet thing without Jane here to help take it down. Putting the ornaments she made back in their boxes for another year was hard enough when she was alive. Now...

Many years ago, when I was in high school, there was a German family in the neighborhood. They lit their tree with real candles for tonight. They asked my mother, brother and me to come dressed as the Three Kings one year. My mother was the King who was supposed to be the joker--I've forgotten which one it was. As we were leaving, she asked the host if he had three Camels we could borrow for the trip back. He smoked Camel cigarettes. It was supposed to be a joke. He didn't think it was funny. While our families remained good friends, we were never again asked to impersonate the Three Kings.

My tree will be lit the next to last time for this season tonight. It has LED lights that can be either colored or white. I prefer the look of the colored lights. It's what I grew up with. But tonight I will use the white light setting. It seems appropriate, somehow, to bring the colors into a unified state for tonight. I'll likely put the lights on again tomorrow when I take the tree down. It seems to lighten the mood.

It's been a strange holiday season, this first one staying for Christmas here since Jane died. There have been times I have thought it was a bad idea, and others when I thought, "Yes, this was the right thing to do. You own this house now at every season of the year."

Have a good 12th Night.

Peace,

Harry

[Queeniemary]

Harry, I loved the story about the three Kings, and your Mother's joke. Made perfect sense to me! I suspect your Mother had a quick wit.

Enjoy 12th night

QMary

[feralfae]

Yes, Harry, thank you for the lovely story, and may the Light shine tonight and all year to come.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Harry, I loved your mom's joke, we need to be able to laugh at things and esp. at ourselves!

I think fond remembrances when I put George's ornaments on the tree. It is hard for me to take it down, I hate the season to end, I love Christmas and decorations, but I took mine down after my son and DIL left, when I put the house back in order. I eagerly await the next Christmas season as I missed this year's and last year's with injuries and illnesses. Next year has to be better, I want to enjoy it to the hilt!

[MartyT]

Amen!