Some Thoughts For Those Whose Grief Is Relatively New

[feralfae]

As I read the posts from Harry and Butch, I am struck both by the contrasts of where they are on this journey of acceptance, healing, and reconciliation to the new life we now all live, and in contrast, the sameness of the sense of loss, the determination to continue to participate in life, and the awareness of life's possibilities.

Harry, you have written another wonderful piece on your journey to hope and looking toward the future. I was touched by the symbology of the ivy heart, and how it regrew from a tiny slip. In my living room, I have a tree that is now about 15 feet tall, but when Doug left, neglect and sorrow had caused it to die back to one surviving tender shoot. I turned some of my nurturing and nursing attention to that little slip of a plant, and it has rewarded me with a huge tree, admired by everyone who sees it. And so, today I am reminded that like the plants being restored to health and fullness, we must also give our bodies the attention and nurturing they need to be healthy and vigorous.

And Butch, as you work on writing, on those early steps of traditional ways to begin to accept, reconcile, and recognize the changes that are taking place, you have done such a beautiful job of turning for a few moments to Little Man, who can give you a reason to smile. What a comfort and loving presence that small creature must be to you at this time. Yes, I think that for those who have not had to walk this grief journey, there is no good way to share the what it means to have an entire life interrupted, ended, shifted, when we lose our Beloved. If this time had to be for you, I am glad you are here where we can give you support and caring, as you have so often given to us. These are terrible painful days for you, there in the fog of loss and grief, and we are here to help you on this journey.

What Harry has written is so filled with hope and a vision for the future, that it warms my heart. Thank you Harry. What Butch has written reminds me of how much healing we do in our own time, and how much we can bear and yet survive. Thank you Butch.

Blessings and *<twinkles>*

fae

We are all on this journey together, each where we need to be for our healing today.

[feralfae]

I consider myself a strong person. I took care of my husband for several years. I was happy to see to it that he was taken care of and happy. I was strong and confident. I was able to make good decisions. Now he is gone I am no longer strong. I find it difficult to make a decision. I second guess everything. I find I am hesitant and afraid. I no longer have self confidence. So we not only lose our spouse, we also lose part of ourselves. As if we were one and so now we are half. I wonder if we ever grow after this. I can't imagine the future without him and maybe that is a good thing. That way I don't have to think about it. I don't know. This is so heartbreaking

.

Dear Shalady,

I think it is normal and healthy to be able to recognize that we are left half of who we were. A life we had shared and loved, a way of being that had sustained us for years, is gone. Not only have we lost our spouse, but we have lost those dreams, and so we have lost direction. Finding a new direction takes time. I was almost petrified for longer than a year when Doug died. I had no idea how to make decisions for one person. Thank goodness I had work, a home to maintain, and things around me to keep me busy a lot of the time. It takes time to heal. It takes time to begin to figure out a life that does not include our spouse. It takes time to find even the faintest of paths toward a future for our solo selves. For today, do some caring things for yourself. Fix your favorite meal or invite a friend to go out to your favorite restaurant. Watch a film you like, or explore a new one with actors you like.

If you write in a journal, spend time writing down some things you can do for yourself this next week. Call a friend and just visit. Or go for a visit, or invite someone over.

It can be very difficult to make decisions when we have not figured out who we are in this new role of being without our Beloved. Start by making little decisions: what to have for lunch, which book to read. We make decisions all the time, but if they are habits, we don't think about them. I hope you can do one thing today that is an expression of your self-love and self-caring. Perhaps the most difficult shift for me to make was to take all those years of focusing on Doug's care, and begin to turn some of that awareness and caring toward me. When I am able to do that, it does not feel as though I am abandoning Doug, but more that I am honoring what he would want me to do, which is to take care of myself.

Be patient and gentle with yourself. This is your time to go slowly, to gently care for yourself, and to honor your broken heart and to help with your own healing process. Let us know how we can help, and let us know how you are. Peace to your heart today, dear one.

Blessings and *<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

The loving words expressed on this forum simply leave me speechless.

Harry, your message touches my heart deeply. Not all can speak about the deep love we have for our spouses. To see others happy together is one of the hardest things I struggle with and it only makes me long for my Jim more. I hope that sometime in the future I will learn to direct the love I have to those who cross my path.

How well I remember those early days after Jim left me. It is a sacred time that we reflect on the love we only know about our spouses. You will find a way to express that when you write the eulogy that only you can write Butch. I hope you play the beautiful song you posted on another thread of your first dance with your Mary sometime during the memorial service.

We grow with the help of others.

Anne

[annew]

Thank you, Harry, your encouraging words help me know that my heart can heal too. I don't know how or when either.....I just want to believe that it can.

[shalady]

Thank you both Harry and Fae. Sometimes I feel all alone in this world and you console and actually cheer me up. Your words are so inspiring. If you are able to move to better places so too will I. I think I become impatient at times. I have had a couple of so sad days. I listen to poor Butch and my heart breaks for him too. Thank you for helping us all.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

As always, Marty, use it as you wish. I think it will be the last chapter of the book eventually, if I can ever finish the thing. Meanwhile, if it can be of use elsewhere, I have no objections. It's the least I can do.

Butch, my heart grieves with you. I could not write a eulogy for Jane--the priest did not like eulogies he did not write and deliver himself. I'm not sure I could have written it if I had the opportunity at that point, though I have seen more than a few done truly well both before and since. If I can help, let me know.

Shalady and Annew, when Fae and I got here, others inspired us. You will help inspire others when the time comes that you are ready to do so--as will Butch--who already inspires me with all he has been through--and who is willing to let even the dog have what it needs in his time of grief.

Anne and Fae and Mary and QMary and Melina and Kay and Teny and Lainey and so many others, we have been on a long journey together, sat at many a fire and many a tavern. It is hard to believe we have none of us had met and likely never would have save for our losses and this blessed spot in cyber-space. Even taken together, we can never replace what we have lost--but we have made a difference in each other's lives, nonetheless.

Lest you think that sounds like a good-bye, rest assured I am not going anywhere--at least not that I know of. Be well, all of you.

Peace,

Harry

[R.Everit55]

I just typed so much and it somehow once again went away like that.

You'd think I would have learned that lesson...

I can't repeat it all. I am struggling. The simplest sound, the look at something, the cries of Little Man, one look at our boys... Our son and grandsons... Start an absolute river of tears. Reading all your words here, hearing the strength, the fears, the hope, the friendships, and bonds that none of us wish we had... Though the most amazing bonds ever. Humbles my heart. I feel so weak. I agree, honestly, is it not enough that we have lost our best friends, soul mates, our partners in life... But also we must feel as though half of our being, heart, and soul has vanished with our beloved. It actually amazes me how I am still able to breathe. I suspect I'm not alone in this.

I cannot write the eulogy I must write... Not right now. I have to get myself more together than this. I literally am a mess. And the guilt is strong.

I see hope here though, in the midst of so much heartache. I thank each and every one of you for that glimpse of hope.

Butch

[enna]

Oh Butch, you are not the only one who has lost what we wrote to this technology! With a flick of the fingers I have lost too many posts. I now write on a Word Document if it is going to be long because I have learned that sometimes I am not in charge.

I think when we are grieving we temporarily lose part of our senses. In the beginning of my journey I could only hold on to the words that others here gave to one another. Today it is a little different. We grow as we allow ourselves to enter the pain of our individual loses. Those who understand what it is to lose a spouse know the heartache. We are not alone on this journey and that is what still keeps me going.

The picture below speaks to me of HOPE.

[R.Everit55]

Harry,

Thank you.

The memorial service will be at the Catholic Church where Mary and I were Wed at. The priest who is going to reside for the service is the same one who performed our wedding, 26yrs ago this April. He is one of the most kind human beings myself and my beloved ever met. She particularly counted on him in the loss of our pregnancy, the loss of Ziggy and Leo, and the loss of Shannon. Now he is of a great comfort to myself. He will have a eulogy of his own. I will speak as well my son and anyone else who chooses to.

At this moment, I can't write what I will speak. The tears are too much. I'm trying my very hardest to start it soon and to accomplish it to honor my Angel. I believe once I start it, it will just all pour out the way my heart wants it to.

[R.Everit55]

Anne,

That image of hope is wonderful.

I take comfort in reading everyone's posts. It is a real struggle to find my own words to post. My heart hears everyone else's words and honestly is quite humbling and comforting. In spite of all these tears that won't shut off. Tonight will be six days. The tears are new and like a torrential downpour.

[annew]

Yes, Anne, what Butch said so well. I knew my Gary was there so strongly in my heart in those early days when all I could do was tell myself "this isn't happening. It is the powerful protection of angel wings wrapped around the rawness and pain. Blessings on you Butch. We are never alone and are loved ones are always with us in our hearts....the love never fades and never ends.

Blessings,

AnneW

[shalady]

Butch, you will find the strength to write a beautiful eulogy for your beloved. I hear it in your words here. Somehow we make it through one step at a time. When you seem at you lowest point coming here lifts you up. This is such a place of rescued hearts. I too am new so I can only say that I know what it feels like to be on this journey. Right here I have learned there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timetable. I have hope I will endure like many before me, even when it seems unimaginable. My life is forever changed but I still have the love Bob and I shared and no one can take that away. I wish you peace and comfort.

[R.Everit55]

I did it. I wrote what I plan to say at the church. I don't know how I just did it. I just began and it came out. I hope it is worthy of her honor and memory.

I don't know if I should share it here.

My heart hurts now a lot. However, there is a sense of peace after writing.

I called the Father who is facilitating the memorial. I will have her ashes to me by Tuesday. I told him I would like this memorial to be next week. So he will be calling back to plan the day. Father Tony is the man that married us 26yrs ago April. It means the world that he is the one who will be there. He helped Mary and I through much grief after losing her brothers and Shannon.

Sadly, her little sister in Maryland cannot travel up here. Her health is too grim with the same cardiac issues as Mary, Leo, and Ziggy.

Marty... May I share what I wrote for the memorial? I don't want to trigger anyone. I know there is enough grief here. I guess I should be asking everyone.

Butch.

[annew]

I would love to hear the eulogy, Butch.

[R.Everit55]

I went and posted it under Honering A Loved One section below.

[R.Everit55]

May I ask something.

All of this is brand new. Tonight will be 6 days.

Is it "normal" to want to be here a lot, to read... And not always really have much to offer... But find some comfort anyway this early in this journey. Sometimes I can post. Sometimes I feel "stupid" for not making sense. Sometimes, I feel out of place. Sometimes I feel comforted. Sometimes, I just cry the last couple days.

Thank you to Harry, Marty, Shalady, Anne, Kay, AnneW, Mary, QMary... And anyone else I've forgotten. Just Thank you. To everyone.

I may not be here for a while, because I'm taking my grandsons and giving my son a break. And I'm trying to create memories with them as I promised my sweets I would do.

Much love, respect, and blessings,

Butch.

[MartyT]

I think as you travel this grief journey you will find, dear Butch, that whatever feels right or comforting to you is absolutely "normal" for YOU ~ and that is all that matters. No one can tell you how to "do" your grief. It is a personal journey of discovery for each and every one of us, and you must find your own way. All we can promise is that we will not let you walk your path alone. Rest assured that not a single person here has "the answer." We've all learned and discovered and shared with one another what we call "tools for healing" ~ but nothing works for everyone. We've learned through experience that certain aspects of grief are universal, but how we each experience our own losses is unique to each and every one of us. In that sense, grief is like a snowflake or a fingerprint, since each person's loss experience is different and distinct. You must discover and do whatever brings YOU comfort. The good news is that here you are among others who are on the same path as you are, and you don't have to explain to anyone here what or why or how you are feeling. You can come here to read or to write; you can stay as long as you wish; you can come whenever you feel moved to do so; you can leave and stay away as long as you need to do so. Explanations are neither expected nor required.

It's good to know that you'll have your grandsons with you for a while, as it sounds as if you really do enjoy them. Give yourself permission to experience every ounce of that enjoyment ~ Know that there is room in the human heart for joy as well as sorrow ~ and we are quite capable of holding both at the very same time. I'm pleased to read that you will think of the time you have with them both as an opportunity to create memories with them as well as the fulfillment of a promise you made to your darling Angel Mary. ♥

[Wifflesnook]

Butch, it is normal to want to be here, to talk about how you feel, to have others share your grief and tell you about theirs. This is the place for you. Just talk and write to us, because we know what it is like to lose the most imprtant person in life. This forum is my lifeline even now almost three years after my Pete died. Oh Harry I was so relieved when you said you weren't going anywhere. We need you!

Jan

[R.Everit55]

Really less than an hour of sleep is more than enough for any grieving human!

I've got to get myself together soon before the boys wake up. Though they were asleep in the car when they arrived here last night. So the they stayed up later.

Little Man is so unsettled and just won't eat. I am going to contact the vet later this morning. I didn't reaalize grief would effect a pup so deeply. He too was laying with Mary when she passed last Friday night. He was always right beside her. His cries are heartbreaking looking for momma.

[MartyT]

Butch, my dear, I'm so sorry your Little Man is so unsettled ~ but that, too, is not unusual in circumstances such as yours.

Common sense tells us that, just as we form attachments to our companion animals, they form attachments to us as well. Clearly this dog was quite close to your Mary, sharing much of his day with her, staying near her side throughout her long illness and maybe even sleeping with her at night. When death separated them, it's understandable that the one left behind can become distressed. Although there are no scientific research reports in the literature about this, I can assure you that I've read, heard about and experienced myself many examples of animals reacting strongly to the death of their companions (human and animal) with symptoms of separation anxiety.

It's also possible that Little Man is sensing distress in you and in other family members (as well as that of others who've come to visit you), and is reacting to any changes in routine that accompanied this loss. When you think about it, how animals behave (with anxiety, restlessness, depression, crying and searching) is very similar to how we humans behave when we're grieving.

Here are some suggestions that might help you to help Little Man:

• Keep his daily routine as unchanged as you can, so it remains as predictable, familiar and consistent as possible.
• Provide comfort by leaving the radio or television on when leaving the house.
• Stick to his normal feeding routine. Even though you may be tempted to offer special treats at such a sad time, you don't want to reward his refusal to eat regular meals.
• If he seems to want it, give him extra attention, petting and affection, but try to do so when he is behaving in desirable ways (with toys, games and exercise). Again, you don't want to reinforce negative behavior, and you don't want to force yourself upon him. (Some animals who've always been friendly may behave in a hostile or aggressive way — another symptom of grief.)
• It may help to let him see and smell some of Mary's "things" (clothing, hairbrush, bedding, etc.). Some people recommend actually sitting down and "explaining" to the animal what happened to their companion. Your dog won't understand every word, but your gentle touch and the soothing tone of your voice will provide some comfort.
• Give him time to adjust to this very big change in his life. Like the you, he is missing your beloved Mary and more than anything he needs you to be patient with him.

[kayc]

There have been a lot of posts here since I was here yesterday morning. I have been busy helping a couple of friends...one who is having to sell his rental house and will get precious little after paying property taxes, income taxes, real estate agent...he's not good with money/planning, so we talked for hours for considerations and how to best plan for his future. He's 60 so doesn't qualify for many of the helps out there. He still works seasonally, but it won't be much longer and he can't physically do it, he's in pain a lot now as it is.

Another friend fears his brain tumor is coming back, he is unable to breathe and thus can't sleep. You think things are rough until you see someone fighting for their life, then you realize your problems are merel nuances. I just found out that the Obamacare "supplement" for health insurance is reportable as income on our tax returns, so I will be taxed on an additional $5500.00 per year, I don't have it, am not sure what I'm going to do. I've been fighting with First Tech FCU and Experian for an incorrect report on my credit record, it's cost me hours of time and I've gotten nowhere. (they reported me as over 30 days late, I've always paid ahead of time, yet they won't remove it!) I am going to go down there today...don't worry, I won't be packing.

There has already been given so many good words of advice here, there isn't much to add. I am sorry, Butch, that Little Man is having such a hard time. My Lucky had a very hard time when George died, only I was so lost in my shock and fog that I failed to notice...it took my daughter to point out what was going on. She was destroying things, and that is something she just never did, she was always so well behaved! But she was grieving, and in her own way, was trying to get my attention and express herself.

Butch, I've been here for years, I was fortunate to find this place shortly after George died. I poured my heart out here. I asked if what I was feeling was normal. Pretty much everything we feel and experience is normal...this is the toughest journey (without a roadmap) I have ever been on. Yet in a way, there is a roadmap, it is here, it is just up to us to piece it together. If you read our early posts you would see we wondered and experienced many of the same things.

I was about to tell you not to worry about writing the eulogy yet, don't put pressure on yourself, it'll get done when you're ready...when I read that you have it written. I'm glad for you as I know it was hanging over you and you wouldn't rest until it was. I will go look for it and read it.

I am amazed at what my dog DOES understand of what I tell him, I can tell by how he responds. It's uncanny, really. Maybe it's because I live alone with him and talk to him a lot, but he has an amazing vocabulary. They say cats have an even larger vocabulary, who would know, they don't respond to us the same as a dog. I am glad you have Little Man, though. He will be good company for you in the time to come. It's hard on our pets because they don't always understand what happened, sometimes they're waiting for them to come back. It's tough to watch.

My neighbor was devastated when his wife died (we live in Oregon)...so much so that his daughter sent his grandson from CA to live with him for a couple of years. It helped him greatly through the adjustment, to not be alone. I can't imagine giving up one of my kids for a couple of years, but it was a lifesaver for him.

[R.Everit55]

Thank you for the advice regarding Little Man. I'm keeping to his schedule. I am trying to give him more loving care. But honestly, he won't except it. He sit mainly alone. He isn't sleeping much or eating. I called the vet and he prescribed a small dose of benedryl to help him calm and settle and to help him get sleep. He is curled up against Mary's pillows in bed and actually sleeping. I am not offering anything but his usual food. He gets none of his treats except his usual one for going out and he gets a "sniffer" little bite sized treat when he comes in. That is his routine.

I sent the boys back with Allen this evening because I am utterly drained and I appear to have caught the flu. Congestion, fever, headache, body aches, cough, and it's not making my stomach or anything feel good in the least. I'm forcing some soup into me though I don't want anything. I am drinking green tea with lemon and honey. This came on very suddenly... But then again the flu always comes on suddenly as a opposed to a simple cold which comes on gradually. This hit me like I hit a wall.

And I miss my wife so deeply. It's a week tonight. And I feel like it's so surreal. I rarely get sick much less the flu. So apparently stress, grief, upset etc... Has just caught up with me.

I attached a pic of Little Man finally sleeping. On Mary's side against her pillows... Which I have not changed. So he has her scent.

[R.Everit55]

I can't do this any longer. I'm not strong. I am not the pillar of strength as my plan has been to be. I'm just not anything close to it. I'm weak. I'm not an example to my boy and my grandsons. How can I be when half of my heart and soul has gone away with my wife. How disappointed she must be in me right now. I made promises to her. I said it was okay to go. I said I would be strong for our boys. I said I would make her proud. How I'm failing at that. I went and got myself sick with this flu. I had to send my boys back home to my boy. I promised them a fun filled weekend. I just can't do this. Not with this heartache. My chest hurts literally. And not from this flu. Like it's been ripped apart. It's 4:45am. I'm not crying. I'm just so broken I can't stand it. I'm so sorry for failing my sweetheart. All the pain and grief she suffered losing her brothers and Shannon. All her pain since childhood. The pain of losing our twins girls when Allen was 3. We never spoke of that. Only to each other. And not very often. But I wanted those girls as much as she did. 27 weeks still born. Ava Grace and Abby Hope. They were the sweetest of tiny angels. I believe everyone has a purpose. But what was their purpose? Why did they not get a chance to live. Why were they taken from us. They were our girls. Tiny indeed. But we loved them. We made a place for them shortly prior to losing them. That place was never filled. I had to be a pillar of strength for my love because she was devastated. But so was I. I am. But she was so strong losing so much in her life. And I sit here weak... So weak. Shame on me. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But I have lost my sweet love. Her heart stopped next to me with my hand on her heart. Honestly I put my hand on her chest for comfort but secretly in hopes the connection we had would be strong enough for her to stay. Even though I told her it was ok to go. I kissed her head. For the same selfish reason. I just hoped it would make everything better and she could stay with me. My heart my life my strength I world my love. I feel so selfish. God help me I want to be strong. I want to make her proud. I want to keep my promises. I just can't. Not now. I don't even remember the words I typed for her memorial. I try rereading it. It's all my heart... OUR heart. Yet I am weak.

I'm sorry I am a miserable complaining mess. Forgive me. Everyone. Forgive me my sweet love. I don't want to fail her like this. I don't.

Now I'm still not crying. I want to rip the rest of my heart out and not do this. Not feel this agonizing pain. Not without her.

[kayc]

Butch,

I am so sorry you are hit with the flu, and yet not surprised. You have been strong for everyone, trying to hold everything together, you're bound to crumple sooner or later...none of us can hold it together indefinitely. When we suffer loss of this magnitude, it's not unusual for it to take it's toll on our bodies. I remember when George died, my feet swelled up like they did when I was pregnant. My daughter had to follow me around the house making me drink more water and eat a bite. I didn't feel like it, I was in a numb fog, a state of disbelief and shock.

I'm glad you've sent the boys home, you can have them back when you're feeling better...right now you need to take care of YOU. You NEVER failed your sweetheart, just get that thought right out of your head! You could not have prevented any of this, much as you wanted to. I lost three babies to miscarriage, I'm not sure I ever wondered their purpose, but I loved them, each of them. Perhaps that's all the purpose they needed. Your Mary is with your girls now, holding down the fort until you and your son and grandsons can be there...and Little Man too. I used to think that Mary and Shannon surely had the hardest lives, it did not seem fair that that much tragedy could hit one family...you are part of that family's suffering. Some think it's God's faith in us, I know He had faith in Job and allowed him to go through much...not sure any of us feel we're up to all that, but be that as it may, I know He hasn't left us to suffer alone, He's right here with us. You are no weaker than any of us...this death devastates us to the core. Yet we continue to survive. It's a wonder. It's okay to feel sorry for yourself, you have much to feel sorry for. It won't always be like that, but you will have times of it in between the times of strength. It's natural. There is nothing to forgive, you're not failing her or anyone, you're feeling!

Butch, the one consoling thought to me when it was all fresh and painful beyond belief, was I was glad it was me and not George having to go through this. They were fortunate to find sweet release, to not have to suffer any more. They've met their reward, while we are stuck facing something we never could have had any inkling how hard it'd be. We talked about it, how we'd handle it, yet I realize I had not a clue what it'd be like, how hard it'd seem. I always thought of myself as the strong one. Ha! Oh George, I'm no stronger than you! Yet all the same, I'm glad he's not facing this. A day, a year, ten years, it's hard. Yet I remember our love, I have to go on, he would have wanted me to. He loved the kids, would not have wanted them to be without me. They miss him, even still. He was their stepdad, but such a special one, they've never forgotten him, and never stopped missing him, just as I haven't.

You aren't without her, Butch, she is inside of you, she will never leave you. We can't relate to them in a physical way just now, but we can talk to them, we always remember them, and the legacy of their being will continue to inspire and haunt us all the days of our lives.

I wish I could take your pain away, for even a few hours, so you could sleep, but I pray you can anyway, that the exhaustion will overtake you and let you succumb to sleep, you need it. I will be praying for you to make it through this and get well. I'm glad at least Little Dog is sleeping. Have you thought of taking some of his Benedryl?

[shalady]

Oh Butch my heart breaks for you. Please do listen to what Kay has said, read it again, and again. That is what I do. Unfortunately, she has been on this journey longer than us. I wish she didn't have to be here because of why she is here but I am grateful for what she shares and the time she takes to pick us up and brush us off. You are not weak, you have not failed. Don't feel you are not a good example to your son and grandsons. They are seeing how much love you have, they know how much you have lost. This is devastating beyond belief. You have not failed your Mary. You had the courage to lay beside her and hold her hand. Do you realize what strength that took? Can you imagine how proud she was at that moment, how loved she felt. That is not failure, that is the greatest show of love. She must have been filled with love. I also believe, as Kay said, I am so thankful that I was the one left behind so my Bob would not be going through this. I think he was strong, I think I am strong, but I would not want him to go through this. There are days I want to rip my heart out but I know Bob would not want me to be sad. I hug his picture and cry and tell him I will be ok. We have no children but we have a beautiful black lab named Zach and I cuddle with him and he makes things better. You are not selfish. Now is when you need to take time for yourself. Try not to hurry the days, try not to rush the grief. It isn't going anywhere. Unfortunately it is there everyday for us to deal with. But everyone says it gets better and I believe them. Right now you have the flu so you feel even worse. I am not surprised because of all the stress. It was good to send the children home so they don't get sick. Maybe you can do it again when you feel better. I pray things will get better for you. I know it seems impossible but it will. I used to cry all day and now even though I still cry everyday it is not all day so it is better. I take baby steps. I do not expect things of myself. I am learning to let people help me a little more. Please remember we are here for you whenever you need us. I know I am not as wise as some here, I am new to this journey, but I will try to share so you know what you are going through and feeling is normal. It is not impossible, broken down that is " i'm possible " . Butch, get some rest and food and liquids. I truly hope you feel better. I will say a prayer for you. I wish you peace and comfort.

Shalady