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Some Thoughts For Those Whose Grief Is Relatively New


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Thank you Ladies...

I'm struggling with words again.

Hunkered down on the sofa with Little Man. He is finally becoming close to me. Mary was his constant 24/7 companion never leaving her side ever. He even ate a little this morning.

Cuddling him. Shedding many tears the last hour which isn't helping my congestion. But I can't help the tears.

Sipping tea with honey and lemon.

I don't plan on leaving the sofa today.

Thank you everyone... Your words truly humble me. ❤️

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Your immune system has been compromised from all the stress of caregiving, dear Butch. I've heard so many stories about the severity of the flu strain this year ~ so I'm not at all surprised that you've been hit hard with that nasty virus. Your grief is enough already to bring you to your knees ~ but to have the flu on top of it ~ oh, my. I am so sorry :( The flu this year is especially virulent; anyone I know who's had it has become terribly sick ~ even those folks who got the flu vaccine this year are still getting it.

Please know that being sick like this is bound to affect how you feel about anything and everything! You are wise enough to know that when you are sick like this, it feels as if the entire world is black and you're afraid you're going to feel this way forever. But it is the sickness that is making you feel that way.

It is imperative that you take good care of yourself right now, by getting enough rest (even if you can't sleep, at least lie down, relax as much as you can, and rest) and by drinking lots of fluids ~ to keep yourself hydrated, to help flush that flu virus out of your system, and to replenish the electrolytes you're losing. You must force yourself to do this, Butch, because at this point in your grief journey, we all know that you really couldn't care less about taking good care of yourself. That too is normal. But taking care of yourself is imperative ~ and you've got an entire tribe of us right here watching you to make sure that you do just that :ph34r:

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Shalady, I wouldn't say you're not wise, your words seem wise to me!

Butch, Marty is right, we'll be watching to make sure you rest! The liquids are important. Do you have anyone who could look in on you now and then? You might reach the point where you need someone to bring you some chicken broth and tea or something.

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All of you are very wise. And so supportive. I thank you so much.

I have offers for people to come by, but one, I don't want to pass this nasty flu to anyone. And two, I just feel like being alone for some reason. Allen, is bringing some soup his wife made. I won't let him stay though. I have lots of water, tea, and juice. The only issue is having to go out with Little Man and its 12 degrees out. But I am bundling up extra well and he's really good about doing his business quickly and coming right back in.

I'm cuddling with hi m on the sofa still and dozing off and on with the history channel on.

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Sounds like a plan, I'm glad you have Little Man, even though I know it's hard taking care of him when you're so sick. Sleep if you can. (sorry...you have a bunch of mother hens on line here)

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It will be 8 days in five minutes. I feel like I can't do this. Am I the only one who is counting the days? The hours. I see 11:15 come every night and I just want to go back to eight days ago. I want to go with my wife. I don't know how to be this way. My son came earlier. I literally broke down in front of him. All he did was hug me. I'm weak. I'm supposed to be strong for my boy and his boys. I feel like someone needs to just slap me so I will snap out of this. But there isn't any snapping out of this is there? :(

It's 11:15. It's eight days now. Why can't I wrap my head around this!

Kay, yes thank you to you "mother hens" for looking after me. I'm not eating. But I'm drinking. I'm not sleeping. But I'm dozing here and there.

8 days. :(

The service will be this coming Thursday. I am not sure I will have the heart and strength to read all I need to say. My promise was that I would be strong for our boys. I'm losing strength.

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Hi Butch,

Counting of days, hours, minutes are what so many of us do after such a great loss. You are doing just what you need to do and it is alright. Your grief is so raw and you are trying to adjust to Mary's absence. It will not be easy and it will take as long as it takes to deal with this. Please do not judge yourself for what you think you "should" be doing. You do not need to be strong for anyone. Whatever you feel is alright. Your son will understand as will your grands.

Please allow yourself to feel however you feel. You will do what you need to do to get through the service. These days are foggy for you and will be that way for awhile. It is a way of protecting you. Your grief will come in doses as you are able to handle it.

We are here for you so you are not alone.

Please try and eat something to keep your strength up. Try to drink some shakes that have protein and nutrients in them if you can't eat solid food. Ensure is a good product that gives you necessary electrolytes.

Have you added anything to what you are going to say at the service on Thursday? I'm sure you will rewrite it before Thursday.

Anne

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Hi Anne

With this rotten flu, the most I'm doing is lots of water juice and green tea with honey and lemon. I got a little bit of soup in me my son brought over earlier. I've literally not left the sofa with Little Man all day. I'm just dozing... Coughing... Dozing blowing my nose... And right now I just don't want to lay in our bed without my wife.

Yes I've thought of some additions to what I will say Thursday but with this flu, I haven't gotten it down yet. But I will the next few days.

I'm actually going to get up now, put some Vicks on my throat and chest and sit in a steamy bathroom to help this congestion.

Little man is doing better but he's really attached to me now. He was never much attached to anyone my his Momma... She's gone now and I think he senses my upset and grief and is now my little shadow and snuggle bug. I'm glad I have him. He carries Mary in him and always will. ❤️

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I found Mary's profile and Shannon's too. I read some of their posts.

My heart breaks for their pain.

I am glad I am the one here with this grief and pain, rather than them. They had enough. Too much. Shannon and Leo... I can't believe still that they are gone and now my wife.

I see in posts how very much so many of you loved and supported them. I cannot thank you enough. I know it meant everything to them. I'm glad they are all together now.

I feel so loved too being here.

Thank you a million times over...

❤️

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Butch, thank you for sharing that, how beautiful!

Yes, we all counted the hours/days in the beginning...then it was months...finally, years. I don't think I'll ever stop counting, it's just an awareness inside of us.

I hope you'll let us know what time the service is, I want to pray for you and you son during it. I asked for prayer for you in Sunday School today.

I have been sleeping in my recliner since George died. I've tried the bed, but it's just a reminder of his absence, we always slept snuggled up together.

You feel loved because you are!

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Kay,

Thank you for your always constant prayers. The service is at 10am Thursday. I am so terrified of it. There's a difference between falling to pieces in our own home. The thought of losing it in front of people who cared and loved her, scares me. I am supposed to be the strong one. I read what I have wrote to say, which I've added to, and my heart about stops. I don't know if it will be possible to keep it together enough to speak what I need to say. I hope and pray that if I can't get through it our son or DIL or one of my brothers or someone will come up and stand by me and help finish if I cannot finish. I want to say it all myself because I want my beautiful love to be proud of me.

I hope this flu is relieved some by then. I have now been vomiting some as well. I think because of all the crap going into my stomach. I'm tying to keep as hydrated as possible. I will call the Dr tomorrow if I am still vomiting and coughing so much.

We've just gone from single digits here to a warm front with very strong winds currently and 52 degrees with rain starting soon. Poor Little Man is so small and that wind gusts have got to be about 30-40 mph. I don't want him blowing away. :)

My heart is hurting tonight... It just doesn't let up, this grief does it? :(

I am in our bed this evening. Little Man is snuggle as close as he can possibly get to Mary's pillow... He keeps doing circles and trying to get even closer. This pup is so connected to his Momma. I will not wash her pillow cases until absolutely necessary so he will have her smell.

I will email you or I will post here Thursday when I can later in the day afterwards.

Hugs,

Butch.

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Butch, I hope you are getting some relief from the flu. Try to keep up with the fluids and eating something. I know how hard it is. You need all the strength you can get. The song is just beautiful, I'm so glad you found it. Hope you are getting some rest. You are in my prayers.

Shalady

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Dear Butch,

My daughter, Amberly, and I just listened to and watched this together. She says, "This is very touching." I totally agree. We pray you will recuperate quickly from the flu. Anne is right about the Ensure. Perhaps your son can bring some to you. Amberly says, "I'm glad he has his little doggie." Yep. So am I. I haven't known you as long as some of the others here have known you, but I've shared what I've learnd regarding you and Mary with Jerry and Amberly, for they care, and will pray also. We all care that you are hurting.

Hugs,

Carrie

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If you are throwing up I would stick to something like 7-Up and jello, chicken noodle soup, something light and easy to digest...no coffee or dairy products, nothing heavy. Yes, I'd call the doctor, a week is too long to go without eating.

It won't hurt the pillowcase to not be washed, her smell will linger for some time, Little Man will be able to smell it even longer than you can as their sense of smell is so keen. You are a sweetheart to let him have that side of the bed!

Mary will not think badly of you if you break down and cry, even in front of others, so don't feel bad if you do, you aren't letting her down, but my guess is you will make it through what you need to say. If you want your son to stand with you, there's nothing wrong with that. I managed to hold up at my husband's funeral but I don't know how. I think I was still in shock is how.

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Oh Carrie Dear, that is so sweet. Thank you so very much! ❤️

Kay, I ended up going to the ER about 5 this morning. Just got home. I have the flu. But also have two ear infections. Which is probably why I've been vomiting. So I'm on an antibiotic, ear drops, and he gave me some nausea medication as well. So now I HAVE to eat when taking antibiotic three times a day. I haven't had ear infections since I was a young boy!

Praying I feel better by Thursday.

Not looking forward to tomorrow. Getting my loves ashes back. Got Father Tony coming tomorrow to talk about Thursday.

My heart.... :(

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Butch, that was such a good idea to go to er. I have heard ear infections are nasty and can be painful. So glad you are already on antibiotic. Yes now you have to eat something while taking it. You can do it.

I dreaded going to pick up Bob's ashes. Two of my friends went with me. It turned out it wasn't as bad as I had thought. It was sad but I felt him with me even more since then. I chose a beautiful cherry urn and had a golden etching of a deer in the woods. Bob was an avid hunter and fisherman. He would just love it. It reminds me of his happy days. I talk to him every day. I keep it in the bedroom along side a beautiful recent picture of him with service dog Zach. Zach sniffs around there sometimes. I think he knows. Dogs are so smart. So I hope you too will find some comfort with the sadness.

I hope you are feeling better each day. I know you will deliver a beautiful tribute to Mary. The love you have will bring you strength. It is amazing how things lift you up. If you need a shoulder to lean on your son will step in I am sure. Maybe plan ahead so he can know if you need him. Please don't worry about crying. This is so normal. No one would think you were weak. Just take your time. Mary will be with you. Mary will always be with you.

Peace and comfort to you.

Shalady

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Dear Butch,

I am sure others have mentioned how compromised our immune systems become during times of great stress, grief, or trauma. Loss of your Beloved Mary would mean all of these events are in your life. It is time to be very gentle with yourself, rest as much as you can, try to relax and get more sleep, and keep drinking lots of fluids, especially warm fluids.

If you cannot keep much down, you might want to try the BRAT diet, which is bananas, (white) rice, applesauce, and dry toast. Nibble little bites. Sometimes, ginger ale of 7-Up can help, but ginger tea has no carbonization and is also a stomach aid. Keep yourself warm. You can also have broths, and I find that making Jell-O and drinking it while it is warm, rather than chilling and jelling it, is helpful and a nice break from tea and broth.

Your body needs as much rest as you can give it, so that the energy of your body can go to healing. Be gentle and patient with your illness, and pamper yourself more than you normally would: you need the care. Give yourself time to write in your journal, but don't try to visit with friends if it drains your energy. Mostly, stay hydrated and rest. Stay warm.

I will be checking here later to see how you are doing.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Butch,

I am so glad you went to the ER! I'm also glad you're getting treatment for the ear infections. I hope you are feeling better by Thursday, better sooner than later. fae already gave you a ton of advice so I won't add to it, just know you are being thought of and prayed for.

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Thanks. I'm feeling so sick. I slept a couple hours. I dropped a glass. I stepped on sweet Little Man. I accidentally deleted a few emails somehow. I'm a walking disaster.

I'm coughing so hard now. My chest hurts so bad. I really am not a good sick patient. Thank goodness I dont get sick often. The nausea med is making me knocked out.

My son is picking up Mary's ashes tomorrow. Father Tony is visiting as well tomorrow.

Going back to lay down. Actually half sitting up to relieve this coughing.

God bless. Goodnight.

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Oh my goodness, you poor thing. You are having a terrible time. Sounds like lots of rest is what you need, so good you are going to try again. That's a good idea to keep your head up some with all the congestion. Maybe the medication will help you sleep. I'm glad your son will take of picking up the ashes so you can rest. You are blessed to have your son and grandsons, and of course Little Man. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Shalady

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I'm feeling like I'm walking around in someone else's nightmare. It all feels so surreal. I keep jumping from that feeling to just utter heartbreak and tears.

I managed to sleep for a four hr stretch. I think the nausea med helps.

My anxiety is off the charts this morning.

If you don't hear from me much right now, it's because I'm sick, and the service is quickly approaching in two days. I feel very overwhelmed.

Thank you all for the support. I will post again when I can. Most likely sometime following Thursday.

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Dear Butch,

I am holding you in my heart and prayers as you go through this time of the service and publicly saying goodbye. We know that you and Mary are still very much together in spirit, and that she is with you, but I truly think these rituals help us to adjust and to open to the loving support of those around us.

Peace and Blessings to you, and all good wishes for getting well as soon as possible.

fae

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