shalady Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Butch, I hope you are able to rest and feel better. As Fae said, Mary is with you. We understand if you don't post. Take extra time for you right now. Be good to yourself and do what you need for you. Be patient with yourself. I know how hard this all is. You will find strength when you need it and you will make it through. You are in my prayers. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 21, 2015 Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 So my son got her ashes today. My heart is everything all at once... Numb, in shock, sad, broken, sick, empty, lonely, petrified... Father Tony came this afternoon. He will speak first on Thursday. Then I will. And my son will come up should I completely fall apart and can't finish reading everything I wrote to say and he will finish reading it. But I will try my darnedest to make my beautiful angel proud and get through it. I'm exhausted. I just took my antibiotic, a benedryl, cough syrup, and a nausea pill with a little chicken soup. And am going to try to lay down. I think I need some ibuprofen because the fever and pain are still holding on. Oh, and I received a letter today from Shannon's therapist before she passed who also helped Mary on many occasions. She will be at the service Thursday. Goodnight from Little Man and I. Hopefully to sleep a good while. Even though my heart is heavy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 21, 2015 Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Dear Butch, I just want you to know that I will be right there in spirit during your Mary's service on Thursday as I'm sure many others on this forum will join me. I hope that you will be feeling better from the flu by Thursday. How wonderful that Shannon's therapist and the same person who helped your Mary will be there ~ what a caring and wonderful person she must be. It is a beautiful gesture for your son to be ready if he needs to stand in your place. You will do what you can do and please allow that to be enough. This is such a hard time for you. Keep Little Man close to you. I'm hoping you are catching up on sleep. Prayers are being offered to you and the family. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted January 21, 2015 Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Dear Butch, I, too, will be with you now and through Thursday and beyond. Anne has some wise words above^. I join her in the message. I am holding you and Mary and Shannon and Leo and Ziggy in my heart and in my prayers. You are Tribe and you are family. {{{HUGS}}} Butch, we are all standing around you, holding you up to the Light, through these days of grieving and loss, and the days before you. You will do what you can, and remember to be gentle and patient first with yourself, dear Butch. Give yourself great compassion and lovingkindness. and listen to your need to rest and sleep and sip fluids. Stop to rest whenever you can. Peace to you these days, feralfae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 21, 2015 Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Butch, I hope between now and Thursday you will be able to sleep as needed and am hoping for healing for your body as well. We are all holding you up, as fae said, and will be with you in spirit Thursday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 21, 2015 Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Dear Butch, I hope you are able to get good rest and are feeling better. I will also be there in spirit with you Thursday. We will all be surrounding you in spirit and may it bring you strength and comfort. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 Again I typed out an entire long piece and it disappeared. I forgot to type it first elsewhere and copy/paste it here. I can't type it again. I just am having a very bad day so far. I'm sobbing. I miss my amazing beautiful wife. 17 1/2 days and I'm sobbing. It breaks my heart moreso when my grandsons ask me if I'm sad because Grammy is in Heaven. I have few words for them. I'm angry. At ALS for stealing so much while she was alive and for stealing her from me and our family. I just have no words to express this horrible heartache. I just miss her beyond words. I heard this song this morning. Garth Brooks was one of her favorite country artists. How apropos that this particular song came on. I just miss my sweet sweet princess. All I have are sobs. Butch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 That was one of the songs I turned to when I lost George. I remember someone back then posting they wish they hadn't met their spouse because the pain of losing him was too great. I could never feel like that. The pain is more than worth it if it's the price I have to pay for having had such a wonderful relationship with the sweetest man in the world. I couldn't even imagine the thought of missing The Dance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 I so agree. I couldn't imagine not having those 38 years together with Bob. I know how you feel Butch. Maybe talking with your grandsons like you are is good for all of you, I don't know. You are in my prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 I wouldn't trade a decade, a year, a month, a week, a day, an hour, a minute, or a second of the last 34 years since I laid my eyes on my princess for anything. Everything happened in time for a reason even though none of us here know the reasons things happened in our lives... Yes it all brought us to today, this moment... As painful as it is... Our love and lives were just that... Ours and our spouses... Love never dies. In these 17 1/2 days, I have never been this emotionally distraught to sobbing. And when I say 17 days or type it... It honestly feels so surreal and like a lifetime and forever ago. But 17 days is not long. Yet it feels like a lifetime and yesterday all at once. I literally am staying in our bed right now because I cannot face anyone. Not sobbing like this. When all I want is one more day, hour, minute... I'm very sorry I'm so distraught here. Thank you for reading and responding. Something I can't really do at the moment. This 30plus inches of snow is not what I needed right now. My son is slowly chipping away at it. Luckily it's light fluffy stuff. And he shoveled a path for Little Man to go out and do his business. I put his coat on and he runs out and runs right back in within two minutes after doing what he needs to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 Butch, dear heart, please don't apologize for being "so distraught here." This is one place where you can be yourself, and you'll never have to explain or apologize or be embarrassed by whatever you may be feeling. Stay warm and know that we are here for you, whether you feel like reading or writing or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 Butch, this is where we come to be with friends that understand what we are going through. This is where we can express our feelings, any feelings at any time. No one is judging us, just wrapping their arms around us to comfort us. Sometimes we need the comfort and other times we will comfort others. It is where you never have to worry about anything. It is very liberating to me when I can just release the feelings I have. I guess I should look into a journal. I have never done that but many here have talked about writing in their journal. I hope the snow is letting up. I am glad that if you had to be stuck in the house that you have company. It sounds nice to have the little ones near. I hope you feel better. Remember you are not alone. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 Several years ago, one of my closest friends was still in raw grief after four years. She is a very private person, and did not do well in her grief counseling group. She felt like no one there understood her grief; for in her judgment, no one there had ever experienced the depth of love that she and her husband had shared. She believed the groups' socializing confirmed their lack of understanding. She believed no one could possibly understand, for few have been blessed with a love so deep. I believe her grief blinded her to the depth of love others have for their spouses, and this caused her to misjudge others. She came to know that Jerry and I do understand; therefore, she asked me whether I ever wish I had never met Jerry, so that I could avoid the pain that is surely to come to one of us (she told me that she hopes I die first, for Jerry is stronger than I, and my grief might kill me). I responded that although I would do almost anything to avoid the intense grief that is to come, I would choose to change nothing. I would still make the same decision to love this deeply, and then to suffer whatever I must. She said that she wishes that she had "never laid eyes on" her beloved husband, because the pain is too great a price for her to pay. At first, I could not believe she means this, but I think she really does. I was quick to give her my answer, but later, I gave all she said some serious thought. I asked Jerry to do the same, and then we would talk about it. After thinking it through, Jerry's answer to me was that he would choose the depth of our love despite the pain that is to come. I'm thankful my friend gave us opportunity to have this discussion, for one of us will need to know the other felt the same way. Pain is the price for love, and the price is according to the depth of the love. This is my belief based on my love and my life experiences. My friend is still in raw grief. She seems to be almost as she was in the beginning. Her son told me recently that he really believes she is losing contact with reality, and is cutting herself off from family now, as well as from me. She left our area, because she said that she is not strong enough to handle my grief due to Jerry's complicated health issues. She said that she cannot watch his health deteriorate. She did not tell me she was leaving until after she had done so. I was angry with her for a while, and felt like she "ditched" me when I needed her most. Amberly helped me realize that she could not help ditching me. Amberly knew her well, because Amberly used to be her nurse. My friend broke all contact with me, and with no discussion. I understand that she cannot add my grief to hers. I hurt for her. I wish so much and often that my friend had found this forum. I believe she could have learned that others love as deeply as she, and that she could have had the understanding, support, and help she desperately needs. This forum likely could have been her lifeline, and her sanity saver. She appears to shut out the people who try to help her, because she believes no one can understand (I was the one exception). She felt humiliated by people, including her physician, who told her that it was past time for her to stop grieving, and that it was time to move on with her life. She questioned, "What life without Tom?" Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 Thank you all so very much. Today has been the toughest day since Mary passed almost 18dys ago. I honestly don't know why or what triggered it. I'm still in tears... With a whole lot of sobbing. Never have I cried like this in my adult life. I wonder even if this will let up. Words are so hard right now. I have a house full of Our son, DIL, two grandsons, and her precious furbaby. All who loved her the most. I shouldn't be this way. Only I am. I try to eat. I cannot. I try to interact with Noah and Caleb. I cannot. THAT utterly breaks my heart that I cannot be strong for them. I tried resting alone only to cry so hard I can't breathe. I've taken my anxiety and depression meds. I've prayed. Absolutely nothing will stop these tears and sobs today. This is so foreign to me. The unbearable heartache. The sobs. And the fear that this isn't letting up tonight. I suppose things are really beginning to sink in and become real and less sureal. Maybe. I don't know. It's hard for me to ask for prayers for myself. However, I come to you, even knowing the heartache you are in... To pray a little harder for me tonight. This can't last forever right? It seems it is today and tonight. I am going to attempt to lay down with Little Man and perhaps eventually these sobs will wipe me out enough to sleep. Blessings to this wonderful circle of soldiers in grief ❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 P.S... Please forgive me for being unable to reply to each reply to me personally. I have read each of them. I without a doubt take every word to heart. God bless each of you. ❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annew Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 I am praying for you Butch and so very sorry for your loss and the intensity of pain. I will continue to pray for your well-being......and deeply hope you will stop judging your self and your feelings and allow yourself just to feel what you feel and know that you are loved and cared for and never alone. AnneW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 Thank you. It's 5am. The sobs continue. I don't know if this is normal. 24 hrs of sobs. Deep down crying. But normal doesn't exist anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 I'm sorry this is so hard. You are right, there is no normal. You need to cry right now. That is what your body and heart are telling you. It has been four months for me and I cry everyday. Just try to take one day, one hour at a time. Others here say crying is a release and is very good. We are right here with you. Hugs... peace and comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 Butch, my dear, if those tears are still coming, it's because they need to be shed. I hope you will continue to let them come, and stop worrying whether crying in grief is "normal." I thought of you when I read this: When Men Cry: One Man's Crusade to Make Tears Socially Acceptable See also Finding Crying Time in Grief Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 I am praying for you also, dear Butch, throughout each day. When Jerry listened to Christy Lane's version of "One Day at a Tme" last night on YouTube, and sent the song and lyrics to me, I thought of you. My heart hurts for you, as do the hearts of all of your extended online family. I'm asking God to bring calmness to your spirit, and to give you the peace that surpasses all understanding (supernatural). You don't need to be strong right now. I think you need to be held, and rocked like a baby. Likely, many of us here would gladly do that for you, if only we could. You can sob, and you can wail. Do whatever you need to release some of your emotion that you controlled for so long. If you can, try to give yourself at least small breaks between periods of crying, so your body doesn't become so totally spent. Whatever you feel is all right. You are loved. Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 29, 2015 Report Share Posted January 29, 2015 I don't think I would ever tell someone to quit grieving and move on, but maybe try to point out something positive that might still exist for them, it helps to focus on what is good rather than what we lost...in the beginning that was an extremely tall order! Butch, Please don't apologize for feeling distraught, it's what we expect as it's a very very hard adjustment, hard to process, hard to get through. And there will be times you'll post and times you just can't, that's understood. I'm glad your son is doing the shoveling. Did the full 30" materialize? I'm glad it's the light fluffy stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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