Some Advice Would Be Appreciated

[NolanD]

Boy, where do I start?

I've been divorced for over a year, separated for two. However, that relationship ending was a long time coming. The details aren't important, as that's not the relationship that still has me in a tailspin.

About a month after the separation from my ex-wife, I started to talk to a girl whom I'd known, professionally, for about 10 years. On and off. Sometimes months went by and I never spoke with her before the separation. So, after the separation, we started to hang out. We had the same sense of humor, same outlook on religion, politics, movies, etc. We hit it off. She was married at 20 years old to a guy who was, if I remember correctly, 14-16 years her senior. He had been married at least twice before her, maybe three. He had three kids, one who was only 4-5 years younger than her. That should've been red flag numero uno. There were several red flags, over the next year and a half, that I ignored, much to my regret. It would take forever to write down everything wrong in that relationship, but I now know that I did the right thing by breaking up with her two months ago. She did email me, about less than a month after, apologizing for her part in the breakup. But it was very basic. Just a general one. No specifics. She's the type that never thinks she's wrong, or at least would never admit to it. I made it crystal clear to her that we were done on 12/9 and I told her to never contact me again. Found out some things from one of her friends, and an ex-boyfriend of hers, that validated everything I'd speculated about. Trust issues I had. Fears. Haven't heard from her since and truly hope I don't.

What truly sucks, and what I truly can't wrap my bloody head around, is that I still think of her, everyday. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. I'm the kind of person that, after awhile, I forgive and forget most anything. I don't hold grudges and don't hold onto negative emotions. I even dreamt of her, last night. I spent all of New Years Day going over the past year of our relationship, beating the frig out of myself about why I stayed for as long as I did, and why, WHY the hell I still thought about her. I guess what hurts the most is the why. Why did she treat me like crap, when I did more for her than anyone else ever did? Did things that her own sister admitted she'd never do for her and her sister adored me for it. Nurses thought I was her husband because they couldn't believe a boyfriend would do what I did. We even had a lady, while we were in a checkout line, tap my ex-girlfriend on the shoulder, with tears in her eyes, point to me and told her "That man really loves you. The way he looks at you...it's like there's no one else on this planet." And there wasn't.

I guess the biggest heartache is that, all these women fawning about how good of a boyfriend I was and all you hear is how a woman wants a "good man"...this one had one and she treated me like crap. Makes you feel VERY defeated. The ole "good guys finish last" saying. I know it's her problem, not mine, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Why I'm still sort of hung up on a woman who was bad for me in every sense...to the point that NONE of my friends, or family, liked her?!? I'm seriously starting to think there's something wrong with me. Or is this normal?


On another note, I met another girl, about a month ago, who contacted me through a website called meetup.com. It's not a dating site, just a site for meeting up with people who have common interests. Anyways, we've hung out four times now. Twice, just us, and twice with a friend of hers. The second time we hung out, we were alone, and I found out that her husband had recently (almost 3 months ago) passed away from cancer. On my birthday, of all days. So, I obviously have been very low key, almost never texting her first. Letting her be the one to ask to hang out. The last time we hung out, it was this past Saturday night. She brought her friend and her friends new fiance. We had a great time, lots of laughs, but some things were said that made me wonder. One of those things was that she asked if I'd ever consider getting married again. I told her I'd hope so. Another thing is she asked if I was into boating. Like motorboats on a lake. Told her I grew up on a lake, so hell yeah. But boating season is a long way off. She told me to keep boating season "open". As in we'll be doing a lot of it. She also made references to me meeting her other friends/neighbors. Like she'd say "I can't wait for you to meet so an so. You'll love them". Or she'd be talking about some other friends and she'd say "You'll understand what I mean when you meet them". Like it's already a foregone conclusion. She's also very touchy (gently grabbing my upper arm, placing her hand on mine for a second, holding my forearm, etc.) which might not mean anything except she's made it very clear she doesn't like to be touched by strangers. Like even in getting a professional massage. Final thing is what she said to me, that night. "I really enjoy your company", with what can best be described as a sweet smile. Then again, I was drinking, so I could be WAY OFF. I might be overthinking this and may be completely wrong, but I think she's interested in me. That's the vibe I'm getting, but honestly, I don't trust my judgment. See previous relationship for why. I don't trust that I know what a woman wants, what she's thinking, feeling, etc. So, with that said, I could use some advice.

1. Is she interested in me?
2. If so, I'm not sure how to go about this. Her husband passed almost three months ago. Even though it was some time coming, and they were only married 15 months, I still don't see her ready for any type of romantic relationship. Which is why I've been so...laid back with her. BUT, I am interested in her, so I'm also weary of being too laid back. Like to the point that she thinks I have no interest in her.
3. The only thing I'm really afraid of is this. When I'm with the widow, I don't even think of the ex. At all. The only conclusions I could come up with are that either I really am the type that, if I'm interested in you, I ONLY have eyes for you and everyone else doesn't matter. Or, that she's a distraction from my ex and that's what I'm interested in. However, I don't think so. I like who she is, how positive she is through this adversity (she even cheered ME up on New Years Day), how strong she seems to be and how her life, aside from being a widow, is pretty drama free.

Wow...just writing this all down has made me feel so much better. Thank you for listening and any advice on any/all topics above are welcomed and greatly appreciated.

[kayc]

Yes, she is interested in you. She's moving kind of fast, I consider that a red flag...try to slow it down. I would be cautious as it's very very soon for her, proceed slowly. At some point you might want to have a discussion about it so she understands your concerns and doesn't think you're just not into her. Understand that she will still be grieving and loving her late husband, even while interested in you. Death is very different than divorce. The caution would be that she's trying to replace the void her husband's dying left. Make sure she's truly interested in YOU before committing, and again...give it time.

There's nothing wrong with you, it's been less than a month since your breakup, it takes time to fully process it all and heal, even when you know it was the right thing to do. Anything that keeps you occupied will help you not think of her so much.

I understand the not trusting your own judgment, I've felt the same way after some disheartening relationships, to the point where I don't even date anymore. The only thing you can do is observe, keep your eyes open, pay attention to red flags. Christian Carter's Dating and Relationships set helped me a lot (try Amazon, eBay) in understanding what to look for, boundaries, etc.

[NolanD]

Thank you, Kay. Yeah...I'm a little apprehensive about this situation, but I think part of it is because how badly my last relationship went down. My guard is WAY up and my trust level is kind of down. Just another reason it's too soon for EITHER of us to pursue a romantic relationship.

Actually, she (the widow) just texted me a little while ago. I'm pretty confident, now, that's she's into me. She's super busy at work, but was taking a little break before her next meeting and texted me to see how my day was. Very sweet and considerate. Also something you don't do unless you're interested in someone.

What makes it tougher is the fact her husband died on my birthday. So, even if we did get together, in the future, my birthday, this year, would be the 1 year anniversary of her husbands death. Not good. But I definitely agree about me replacing the void her husband left behind. That's what I most afraid of. Only time will tell, on that. Again, I'm being very low key about this. I very much appreciate the advice!

Actually, my breakup was on 11/2. After receiving an email from her, and finding out some interesting stuff from her friend and ex-boyfriend, I emailed her on 12/9 to ask her to never contact me again and then blocked her. But after reading several posts on this site, this is going to sound bad, but I'm glad I'm not alone in this. Just writing this all out, today, made me feel 100X's better.

Again, thank you for your advice and kind words

[Anthony9528]

Hi there!!! I'm here to help too. You were kind enough to respond to my post (thank you for that!!) so you already know my back story. I hate to say this but I think both you and the widow should be apart right now or at least move at a snail's pace. You both need to learn how to be alone with yourselves in order to truly heal from your past experience. Right now each of you have each other to cover the thoughts of the previous relationship but the problem is you both haven't healed from it yet.... Its just a mask, a temporary fix. My ex still hasn't even been divorced a full year yet. When we got together back in July we were in it super fast.... she was talking marriage, I met all of her friends and family, etc. And then ended it in the blink of an eye...... And now she is already back on the dating scene....

I can see now she still missed her ex-husband even though he cheated on her. She wanted me to fill that role. She wanted me to do all of the things they did when they were together.... And after the honeymoon phase wore off (on her bc I still was in love with her) she realized I wasn't like her husband. I'm pretty sure our trip to Puerto Rico proved that. I will never really know for sure b/c then her dad passed away shortly after our return... but if I had to guess I would say the trip was the main killer and her dad passing didn't make things easier.

I was like you with your previous relationship... I did anything and everything for my ex. Loved her with all my heart. I backed up my words with actions. I ignored all the warning signs, and there were quite a few, b/c I considered her the love of my life. Love is funny that way...

Try to put emotions on the back burner for just a second and think rationally. Make a separate list, one for your old relationship and one for the new potential relationship.... Positives and negatives. I did that for mine and what I realized is that all of the negatives were specific to my ex (didn't show affection, past history, red flags, etc.)..... All of the positives were specific to being in a relationship in general (having someone to do stuff with, someone to hold in bed at night, etc.) I'm sure you get the idea.

It was a real eye opener for me.... And though there are a few specific little quirks I still miss about my ex-girlfriend, having those back would not outweigh the negatives, that in the long run, would have eventually probably ended it at some point. Better now than finding out after getting married.

[NolanD]

Thank you, Anthony!

You're definitely right about moving at a snails pace. It's what I've been doing, all along, and will continue to do so. Like I said before, I know it's too soon for either of us to be in any romantic relationship. I was curious to see if people thought she might be into me, but now I know and will handle myself appropriately. I definitely DON'T want to be a rebound guy. I'm worth more than that. I don't think there's any harm in being friends, though. If it eventually moves on to something greater, so be it. If it doesn't, I made a new friend (I hope).

I know pretty much where you're coming from and it sucks. My last relationship came on WAY too strong, too. Got to the point of looking at houses together. But, our counselor diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder, she used to be on meds for ADHD and takes Klonopin, and some other daily drug, for anxiety issues. I should've hightailed it then, but hindsight is 20/20.

Your situation is a bit different, but the same in a lot of ways.

Like I said, just talking about this, and reading so many other stories, has helped me immensely. I'm not alone and the pain will pass.

Thanks again for the advice!!

[kayc]

It may not be as bad as you think, her husband dying on your birthday...it will always be hard for her but by the same token, she may feel your birthday gives a positive hue to the day.

I agree with Anthony that it is good to take some time alone after the end of a relationship and heal and learn from it before getting involved with someone else again. Start as friends, talk to each other, do things together, but let it grow slowly and naturally...no marriage talk or buying houses together!

[NolanD]

No worries! Slow and steady. No expectations.

[NolanD]

I took your advice and I had a conversation with her, last night. Explained my concerns, told her I wasn't ready for a relationship at this point, and gently explained that I didn't think she was either. I did not touch on the fact that I'm a bit fearful I'm being...(can't think of a better word) used to fill the empty spot her husband left. I *think* it went over ok. Hard to tell. Time will, though.

Yes, she is interested in you. She's moving kind of fast, I consider that a red flag...try to slow it down. I would be cautious as it's very very soon for her, proceed slowly. At some point you might want to have a discussion about it so she understands your concerns and doesn't think you're just not into her. Understand that she will still be grieving and loving her late husband, even while interested in you. Death is very different than divorce. The caution would be that she's trying to replace the void her husband's dying left. Make sure she's truly interested in YOU before committing, and again...give it time.

[kayc]

I wish you the best. It's not that it couldn't work, it's just that it seldom works out well when rushed this much...people need time to think and know what they want. I hope to spare you some of the heartaches I've learned the hard way.