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My Heart Hurts...

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My heart hurts more than I ever EVER could possibly envision. I thought on Jan 9th before she passed and when she passed that I knew the extent of heartache. I was so wrong. This is absolutely unbearable. Witnessing her swift decline was so painful. I thought when she inevitably gained peace that all that pain would subside some. And I'm not saying it isn't a comfort to know she is free from suffering. But really the heart hurt is so much deeper than I imagined it would be. I have talked to her. I have prayed to her. That she hear me. That she give me a sign that she is okay. That she sees me. That she forgives me for inability to save her or erase her fears and pain. That it is okay to not be strong. Because I am not strong right now. My heart hurts. My chest hurts. My gut hurts with grief. Sadness. Is this pain a witness to my immense undying love and devotion to her? If this agony is a testimony to our love and devotion, that will never end... So I question will this pain ever end. I'm so lost, I don't even know how much sense I'm making...


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Butch, my dear, I've just read these words in a newsletter written by Megan Devine, a widow who blogs at Refuge in Grief, and I thought of you immediately. She is six years into her grief at the drowning death of her husband in 2009, and she writes,

". . . we are learning how to live inside that which cannot be fixed.

There is no resolution: what you've lost cannot be returned. You can't change your thoughts, practice gratitude, or look for beauty and have things suddenly be alright.

Knowing that leaves us with one clear path: to find a way to live here with as much grace, peace, and self-kindness as we can. To find what remains, and to live into that.

It isn't easy. It's always an experiment, a work in progress."

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I've heard it expressed and agree, that the pain we feel equals the depth of our love. In time, the intensity of the pain will diminish, but the love never will, it's just our body's way of resilience and coping will increase and we will gradually learn to do our time without their physical presence in our lives. In the beginning you don't see light at the end of the tunnel, please live on faith and trust in the ones gone before you, that what we say is true, our experience of having been there speaks of it. We cannot say when because that varies from person to person, each person's journey is unique as is their way of coping, but there are enough commonalities that we can see the road ahead somewhat.

I know the pain feels unbearable, but you will bear it as we all have. It is okay to "not be strong", it is okay to feel weak or vulnerable. There are some things we cannot fix but which we must bear. I'm truly sorry you are hurting so deeply. Being sick isn't helping matters any. :(

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As I sit in heaven and watch you everyday,

I try to let you know with signs I never went away.

I hear you when you’re laughing, and watch you as you sleep.

I even place my arms around you to calm you as you weep.

I see you wish the days away, begging to have me home.

So I try to send you signs so you know you are not alone.

Don’t feel guilty that you have life that was denied to me.

Heaven is truly beautiful, just you wait and see.

So live your life, laugh again, enjoy yourself, be free.

Then I know with every breath you take

You’ll be taking one for me.

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Thank you. I didnt write it but I thought we'd all feel the words. It was a friend that sent it to my dauhter on face book, She had lost her father too. I read it every day and take it to heart. It means so much and exactly how I feel. I take strenght from it. I hope everyone here does too. I had to share it.

Please feel free to pass it on to other topics here if you feel they need this too.

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