Learning To Live And Love Life All Over Again

[lindee09]

March 16, 2012 was the day my world stopped, the day I had to become an adult and the day where my life took a drastic turn. I vaguely remember the smell of the bleach in the hospital room and the eery silence that filled the room as I gave birth to my deceased daughter. As I look back now, sometimes I find it surreal and above all bewildered that this actually happened to me. Never should a parent have to bury their child, but I was only 20-years-old. I was a child losing a child.

Although my pregnancy wasn't planned, that doesn't mean that I still wasn't extremely attached to the idea of becoming a parent. My daughter Parkar didn’t get the chance to grace the world with her presence; she was taken away from me at only a mere 5 months along in the pregnancy. When we were told that she had a severe form of Spina Bifida and wouldn’t live to make it full-term, my life partially ended on that day. Devastation doesn’t even begin to describe the gut-wrenching emotions that swirled in my head and heart. At the time, I was so distraught that I honestly felt like I was dying. To be as sad as I was, I probably needed some sort of medical help for how deep of a depression that I sunk into. We found out on March 9, 2012 that we were having a little girl and on March 16, 2012 found ourselves in the hospital having to let her go.

And for several months following, I suffered immensely, to the point where my life became a disoriented mess. One of the main problems was that I was at an awkward age where people didn't know how to treat me or what to say. I wasn't a child but I wasn't really an adult so most people ignored Parkar's death and acted as if it didn't happen. The second problem was that I had completely lost control of myself, my relationship, my friendships and everything in between.

Several months down the road, I woke up in the middle of the night and almost had what you could call an epiphany. I didn't want this life of suffering anymore. I knew that I needed to change my life and turn my grief and hurt into something more positive. So the very next day, that is just what I did. I started to enact a plan of attack on how to get my life back on track. And with tiny baby steps I transformed my life.

I sincerely believe that my daughter's death happened for me to help other parents. I think Parkar's death happened so I could learn to be a voice for young parents that are stuck in a rut. Now at the age of 23, I have devoted the last couple years of my life to helping people better understand what loss means for people in their 20s and 30s.

​Perhaps the greatest words of wisdom that I can provide, is that despite how horrible your child's death is, you are in fact strong enough to get through it. On days where you don't feel like going on and moving forward, you have the answers within yourself to heal, find love and real happiness again. Parkar's death was the greatest tragedy of my life, but somehow, someway I got through it.

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing your story, I'm sure it will be a help to many who come here.

When a lot of people miscarry, they often choose to deal with it privately as it's difficult to talk about, esp. with others who have not been through it and don't understand all of the emotions that are involved. They often say stupid things that are inappropriate so it's easier to not let them know and not have to hear it. Of course, family members know...that doesn't stop them from saying stupid things. I hope you had a supportive family that helped you through this time. I've lost three, my oldest being 4 1/2 months along, one being dead before I learned I was pregnant, and another that was just a short ways along and had great complications. You don't forget any of them, as you say, they are part of you. I'm glad you named her and recognize her as your child even though you only enjoyed her existence a short while.

[MartyT]

My dear, clearly you've found an exquisite way to honor the life of your baby, no matter how brief it was, and to make the terrible, horrible loss of your precious Parkar count for something bigger than both of you. You are an inspiration, and I am deeply grateful to you for sharing with us your story of love, loss and triumph. Blessings to you, and thank you! ♥

[lindee09]

Yes, I very much agree with your statement. In an uncomfortable situation, especially with younger people, it is easier to say nothing rather than have to put their foot in their mouth after saying the "wrong thing." But thankfully, I had the most supportive family you could imagine. On top of my fabulous family, my boyfriend and I made it through the situation with flying colors. I think I actually love him more today for our hardship than before the pregnancy.

I can't imagine losing 3. That actually leaves me speechless. That fact that you're on here and supporting other people makes you a saint. I do recognize Parkar as a member of my family, when we walk past her urn everyday it is a constant reminder for me what we went through. I hope you were able to find the peace you deserve.

[kayc]

I am glad you and your BF were able to make it through this together intact. Yes, I am very much at peace in my life, thank you! This will be an experience you will be able to draw strength and courage from in times in the future.