Acquainted With Grief, But I Don’T Call Him Friend

[LadyCarrie]

I am new to this site, but I am not new to Grief. I recognized this cruel specter as soon as he appeared to me again when the doctor told me that my darling husband had an inoperable 9-cm aneurysm, was in total liver failure due to the aneurysm, and that he could offer me no hope that Jerry would live. Although I did not see Grief, I felt him there. We were already acquainted, for he had been my unwelcome companion at other times. He came this time to follow in my footsteps, and to wait with me. Of course, I know this is only personification of my psychological and emotional agony.

By the grace of God, and an extraordinary procedure performed by exceptional physicians, Jerry lives. He lost six liters of blood, and two of the six in thirty seconds. Six liters is almost all the blood a man has in his body. Because only two hundred people in the world have an aneurysm just off of the hepatic artery, and because Jerry “grows” aneurysms (genetic), we have no prognosis. Jerry left the hospital with his doctors expecting him to die any day, and they still tell us that they are surprised that he still lives. He has two aneurysms in his spleen, and possibly one in his brain. Jerry has chosen to not have a confirmed diagnosis, because he cannot withstand the surgery. Jerry’s hepatic artery is occluded, and he lives only on his hepatic vein. He is in constant pain due to arthritic hips, but his doctors say that he cannot have that surgery either. There are other complications, but I’m trying to be brief.

I became a member of this forum in order to learn how to cope with anticipating the worst pain I will ever have, rather than to seek comfort due to a recent loss. I came to offer support, as well as to be supported. I have not suffered as deeply, or for as long, as some of you have suffered, yet I “get” grief.

I will tell you of some things I've suffered; not for the purpose of seeking pity, but to say there is hope for survival and healing. This telling will not come easily for me. Some of these things I could not voice from the time I was fifteen until I was thirty, and then only to Jerry.

After my father died of colon cancer/MI, my mother came to live with us. I was her caregiver for 20 years. She required total care the last five years; one of which she called me “Mama.” I’ve had multiple heart-breaking miscarriages. Three of my sisters have died. One of these sisters, at age two or three, missed the stairs, fell into a storm cellar, and landed on her head. She could not walk for two years, and according to her physicians, the fall caused her to have schizophrenia. At seventeen, she had polio, which crippled her for life. I learned Christmas week that another sister has spinal cancer. This sister’s daughter died recently of AIDs. One nephew died a few years ago with adrenal cancer; his brother called me 2 weeks ago to tell me his doctor believes he has adrenal cancer. One nephew died of a heart attack, and his brother died of complications of pneumonia. A sister of these nephews has breast cancer. One niece died due to Tylenol. She followed the directions on the bottle, but did not know to consider that she weighed fewer than 100 pounds. This niece’s sister, age seventeen, and just out of high school, was murdered. She and her husband (just got his degree at university) were sodomized, murdered, and left in the MS sun/rain for three days before being found by her brother. Another nephew took his own life; we don’t know the reason. I’ve lost my two best friends; one died, and one moved away. On October 10, our precious Ashely Rose Doxie died.

I’ve left the death so many of you will understand until last. I, too, have lost a spouse. My first husband, my high school sweetheart, took his life due to unrelenting, unalleviated pain; pain that he had no hope to get to a level with which he could live. I will never get “over” his violent, shocking death, but I got through it. We were married almost six years. I still grieve, and with my beloved Jerry’s full support. I have been blessed with the love of two of the world’s finest men. Jerry and I will have been married forty-seven years on 26 April 2015.

I was molested at age seven by a non-family member, and I was raped at age thirteen by a thirty-year-old man after I left a movie theater. I “get” trauma, and I “get” grief.

Blessings,

Carrie

[enna]

My dear Carrie. I am speechless and I am so so sorry. From your story, you do indeed "get" trauma and grief.

We are here for you and Jerry and hope you will allow us to walk yet another grief journey with you.

Bless your heart and I'm sending {{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}.

Anne

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Anne,

Thank you ever-so-much for your kind words, and your hugs feel SO wonderful. I knew that was going to be difficult to write, yet Jerry and Amberly, our daughter, encouraged me to go ahead and write it. Surprisingly, to me, I did not cry; instead, I broke out in a cold, clammy sweat. Forget perspiration. I know I'm not being the lady I usually try to be. Please forgive me, but I'm simply too tired to be a lady right now. I'm unbelievably exhausted. A hot bath to get my abdomen out of a knot, and a good rest, will put me right again, I'm sure.

Jerry and I used to travel a lot in our business. We were familiar with your area at one time. We used to enjoy Phoenix (good food and shopping), and other places in Arizona. Jerry is a pilot, and we've used the Phoenix-Goodyear airport. There are awesome places to photograph and paint in your state. Jerry's sister lived at Flagstaff for decades before retiring (from teaching) in Colorado.

I just let Jerry read what you wrote, and he got tears of gratitude in his eyes.

Thank you again for responding, and for your care.

Blessings and lots of hugs back to you from both of us.

Carrie and Jerry

[MartyT]

My dear Carrie, I thank you for sharing your story so honestly and so openly with all of us. As you say, you are not new to Grief, and I am so sorry that you have suffered so many painful losses in your life. Your story certainly serves to explain the loving kindness you show to everyone here. You say you've come here to offer support as well as to receive it. I know from reading all your posts that you've consistently succeeded in supporting and being here for all of us, and I can only hope and pray that you have felt our support in return. I hope you feel our arms wrapped around you and your Jerry, and take comfort in knowing that we won't let you walk this path alone, no matter what lies ahead for both of you. ♥

[kayc]

Yes, Carrie, you do get "trauma", you do get "grief". I'm not sure grief IS a "friend" to anyone, but if it is, only in the sense that there are many silver linings in the cloud of learning, developing empathy to be shared with others, etc. But none of us would ask for grief. None of us relish it. None of us say, "Give me a second helping!" I would hold my arms wide open for my husband all over again if given the chance...but I know that chance is not mine, and it is up to me to glean all I can from this journey, being as it is mine.

You have not only been through so much in your life, but still are going through so much, yet even in the midst of all your heartache, you have been one of those who has come here to share with others, to give encouragement and support, and we are all so thankful for you and your gracious spirit. I have been through many of the same things you have...all that differs are the details, so I can relate. Our brokenness has been both a curse and a blessing as I know I would not be the same person I am today without having gone through many of these experiences. For that I can be thankful. I am not a Kim Kardashian. I am not shallow, my body or nailpolish is not the most important thing in my world. For that I am thankful. We all have different journeys and I'm glad God put me on the one He has...I could not have said that 9 1/2 years ago, and I hesitate to say it now for fear people would misunderstand me and what I mean. I am at peace with my life, in spite of it all.

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Marty,

Thank you for your kindness, and for offering Jerry and me comfort and a safe haven. Thank you so very much for telling me that you won’t let us walk this path alone, for these words provided instant relief. Thank you for the collective arms around us. How wonderful, warm, and protective these arms feel!

It is not my place to give support by giving advice, but by understanding and by genuine caring. I feel that it would be selfish of me to accept help for healing without attempting to help others, if I can. If I ever say something that might be offensive to anyone, it will be through ignorance, and never due to malice in my heart.

My purpose for writing my background was to let others know that I understand grief. No one could know that I understand his or her hurts unless I told my background, which I could not have done without Jerry’s and Amberly’s encouragement. Amberly told me that I need not write it as an English paper, but to just “splat it out there,” so “splat” I did. I wrote things that I could not voice for fifteen years, and it does not come easily for me now. It’s easier to write than to tell in person. There is no point in telling now, except if telling can help someone know there is hope for healing.

I am healed, as much as one can be healed, from the trauma of my yesteryears. I acknowledge nightmarish flashbacks. When flashbacks occur, I remind myself that I am a strong survivor, and that I need to live in my present, so that I can plan and prepare for my future. Mark Twain said, "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way." At age fourteen, I became that cat. I determined that no one will touch my body without my permission. I still carry a scar on my left hand caused by the battle that ended the molestation.

When the molestation began, I told my sister who told my mother. My parents took me to a doctor who told them that he believed nothing had happened to me, and that children my age often made up stories. I was not believed, and I was shamed by my parents and siblings for telling a “nasty” lie on my sister’s father-in-law. My life changed among my family members at that time, and I was treated differently.

It amazes me that no one stopped to consider how a seven-year-old little girl who lived so far into the backwoods of the Mississippi Delta, forty miles from the edge of the earth where it was necessary for sunshine to be pumped in, to know how to say such had happened unless it had happened. My not being believed caused more damage than the act itself. I learned as an adult that this man’s family members were never told, because of the harm and distress it might cause them unnecessarily.

At age fifteen, I told someone whom I loved what had happened to me, and was thereafter treated like a “second class citizen” by this person. I decided to never tell anyone else for fear of loss of respect. Jerry said something innocently that caused me to lose control of my emotions one night when I was thirty. I “came unglued” all over my poor darling's head verbally. He reached out and encircled my waist with his long, strong arms, while pulling me down firmly into his lap. He cradled me there until I could calm down, and become quiet. He asked, "Don't you know you were a victim, and none of this was your fault?" No, I did not know. Jerry helped me begin to heal. He is my human anchor (everything within me screams that I cannot lose him).

My sister, the mother of a tortured and murdered daughter, came for a visit from MS to our home in California in the mid-1980s. As the two of us sat on our back deck, she talked to me about the murder. She said that she wanted the murderer(s) to be put into prison for life (so they could hurt no one else), but wanted no one killed, because if killed, he/they would have no opportunity to repent, and to be saved for eternity (at the time, I marveled that she wanted them to be). She said these words with tears in her eyes. She spoke from her hurting heart. I saw Jesus in my sister that day, for this was Christianity in action. I knew then that I had to forgive all of all wrongs, for nothing had happened to me as bad as had happened to her. God is all for reconciliation, regardless of the wrong done. He wants us reconciled to Himself, and to each other. My sister, without her awareness, helped me heal in a powerful way by her example.

My faith in God's unconditional love and mercy gives me strength to move forward. He gave me a sense of humor to help preserve my sanity.

I believe God gives each of us just the right people at just the right time, if we ask this of Him. I thank Him for blessing our lives with you, Marty, and with all of the compassionate, loving people on this forum.

Blessings,

Carrie

[kayc]

Carrie,

I am so sorry that the doctor and your family put you through the "not believing you", as you say, that was a whole other hurt on top of what you'd already suffered. We should always take children seriously and hear them and care about them. I feel as you do, that if I can use any of my experiences to help someone else, then I will share what I've been through, but otherwise, I'd rather not go there. They say forgiveness is divine and I believe it, some of the things people do in this world make it very hard to forgive without God helping us to...even then it's difficult and a process, not something quick or easy.

You have a wonderful husband in Jerry, that's how it was with me and George too, we always loved and understood each other. I've been in several major relationships but NONE of them were my soulmate except George. He was in every sense of the word.

[enna]

What a beautiful person you are, Carrie. Your Amberly and Jerry are blessed to have you in their lives.

I am so glad that you found this forum. It is indeed a healing place.

I just want you to know that as long as you are here you will be heard and loved and hugged.

Anne

[LadyCarrie]

My dear new friend, Kay,

Thank you so much for your understanding, and for your kind words. By reading your posts, I sense a kind heart in you, and your desire to comfort and care for people. You are a great help and a blessing to so many. God blesses you for your good work, and the people you help love and appreciate you. That makes you one very loved and appreciated lady.

You are right in saying that some things are very hard to forgive, and forgiveness is indeed a process. The process is not easy at all. For me, forgiveness began with my conscious and deliberate choice to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we must say the wrong was all right. I can never do that. I came to realize that by forgiving those who hurt me, I was freeing myself. I think perhaps a reason that God wants us to forgive is that He knows that we help ourselves in the process.

Some movies and TV programs can cause flashbacks that bring unbidden thoughts that cause temporary setbacks. I used to turn programs off, or leave the room (flee might be a more appropriate word). Jerry was quick to change the channel in the early years of my healing. Then I began to force myself to face the challenge of watching, and most of the time now, I am all right.

I tell myself to remember that God has given me a new surname. My name is now Carrie E. Christian, and Jerry shares his well-respected name with me also. I am not the same person I was back then. I feel sorry for the little girl I was, but not for the woman I have become. I still love my family. I have two sisters and a brother left. By God’s grace, and a lot of hard work, each of us has come a long way from the cotton patch kids we were. One of us went from the cotton fields onward to become a United States diplomat with the State Department, and her husband is a retired U.S. diplomat with the State Department also (he and I email each other sometimes several times a day; my sister rarely writes). Am I beginning to sound like Hyacinth (English sitcom)? I can honestly say that my cotton patch days taught me valuable lessons for life. I don’t regret them, but I surely would hate to have to repeat them. I'm glad I heard the panthers scream, but I don't really need to hear them in the wild again.

I knew another young girl who this person raped (I cannot say my and rapist in the same sentence). She became pregnant, and gave birth to a precious blue-eyed baby boy. This girl was in my high school class a year later. I used to cuddle this round little baby of hers; it wasn’t his fault that his father was mean. This man (referring to gender only) was never punished to my knowledge. I checked online twice during the last decade to learn whether he was ever caught, for I know he did not stop his criminal behavior. I also checked for his obituary. I have found neither a criminal record, nor an obituary; however, I did find the headstone of the man who was the rapist’s lookout. He is buried in a cemetery nearby the plot of a relative of mine. I was shocked to find this headstone, because I had not thought to look for his. I was especially shocked to see the name of a high school friend of mine on the headstone with his. I felt pity for her, for she was a beautiful, sweet girl.

No one calls Grief friend, unless there is a Mrs. Grief; in which case, I believe she hopes to soon become a widow, so she can decorate her new bedroom in pink. I would say that I know her personally, and we discussed this very thing last week, but you might think that I’m a bit more warped than I really am.

Blessings and hugs, dear Kay,

Carrie

[LadyCarrie]

_{Dear Anne,}

_{Bless your dear and precious heart. You have already blessed my life many times over by posting all the helpful things you post. I have in mind all the Webinar information, Quotes, Music, and so many other things. I’m always eager to look to see what you have written to folks, and what you have posted. I have been a fan of yours for a while.}

_{It is special people like you who make this a healing place. You are one of the people God put in my life. I thank Him, and I thank you. Thank you for hearing me, for loving me, and for hugging me. How wonderful this feels! How blessed I am!}

_{I will be away most of tomorrow. We must take Jerry to Modesto (an hour and a half one way; down the mountain, through the Land of Cows and Coyotes, and to the Valley floor) to get some sutures removed. The San Joaquin Valley fog can be very dangerous. Five people were killed in one wreck the day after we took Jerry to Modesto to have some lesions removed. This wreck happened on the road we travel. One person lived to tell the story of how it happened.}

_{I will be here tomorrow night to check on everyone. I’m especially concerned for Butch right now. I woke up thinking of him, and praying that God would give him strength and stamina and all he needed to get him through his painful and scary day.}

_{Hugs and squeezes,}

_Carrie

[MartyT]

My dear Carrie, your sweet and loving words just warm my heart, and I'm sure we all feel blessed that you have joined our family. Your life story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, to the benefits of forgiveness, and to the healing power of love. Thank you for opening your beautiful heart to all of us ~ and please let us know as soon as you arrive back home tonight, so we know that you and your beloved Jerry are safe and sound. Meanwhile, we wish you Godspeed on your journey. ♥

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Marty,

I wonder whether I will ever stop the involuntary, spontaneous burst of tears of gratitude that I experience when I read such kind and sweet words I find here. I am warmed by the love and welcome. Thank you. I would put a series of hearts here, but I don't know that I can with my iPad. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️. Yep. I did it, unless they disappear. .

Amberly can look out over the Valley, toward San Francisco and the Bay Area, as she drives down the mountain to Sonora where she works. Because our weather report calls for a "dense fog alert" for Modesto and for Sacramento until 11:00 a.m., Jerry asked Amberly for a visual report. She says that the fog looks dense, but not dense as it was yesterday. Jerry's appointment is at 11, so we are hopeful it will have lifted to a great degree before we get there. We are above the fog at our elevation (between 4500 and 4600 ft.), so the sun is shining brightly here on the hill. Of course, what we truly need is precipitation of any form we can get due to the severe drought we are in. Since the sun is shining, we will enjoy it, and be appreciative that we don't have to deal with the Valley fog for weeks at a time as do the people of the Valley.

See you tonight.

Hugs,

Carrie

[kayc]

I heard from Butch last night, just to say he wasn't up to posting just yet, I'm sure we'll hear from him within the next few days. It's a hard day to make it through as I well remember.

Carrie,

I have found it easier to understand what forgiveness is for if we first look at what it isn't. It's not okaying what happened. It's not wanting it to happen again. It's not letting the person off the hook for accountability. Forgiveness is for our benefit as often the other person neither wants nor cares if we forgive them. It's not about them. Yes, you have learned much through this process! I, too, was raped when I was 16, I thank God I wasn't 7, it was hard enough at 16. I was so innocent I didn't understand what was going on, I was crying...his sister explained it to me when it was over. I didn't tell anyone for years. I understand a movie taking you back to the moment...I don't like to watch movies about abuse, as I've suffered physical abuse as well and it immediately takes me back. I can usually recognize when someone is suffering abuse without witnessing it...it's just something you feel in your soul, having lived through it.

I hope you and Jerry have a safe trip. I understand when you talk about that road because that's similar to my situation here, I'm 1 1/4 hours (in good weather) from the city, medical care, I live in the mountains in the country, we have elk and deer, but also cougar, bear, and coyotes. My son and I once had to walk home after getting stuck in the snow high up in the mountains, and we had our dog with us. We encountered a band of coyotes, they were singing and dancing, it looked like a ritual, really, and they wanted our dog. We took turns carrying her while the other threw stones back at the coyotes circling around. We made it home safely at 1:30 am (we'd left at 7:00 pm). I will never forget that night, it was eerie but also a kind of beautiful thing to see as how many people witness the wild up close like that? I've encountered bears but they don't normally bother people/dogs. It's cougars that I don't want to run into, I did once, in my back yard, I had my granddoggy out with me at 1:00 am (he had Collitis) and I heard the cougar making what sounded almost like a hissing sound and it made the hair stand up on the back of my neck...he was at the edge of the woods, not more than 20 feet from us. I quickly got Skye back into the house with me!

I know you will be gone most of the day, but I do hope you'll let us know you made it back safely. Before I digressed, I meant to say that our Hwy. 58 can be a treacherous road with fatal accidents, particularly in the winter when it's icy...one reason I retired when I did.

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Friends,

Jerry and I are back home from Modesto safely. We are quite tired, but fine. Jerry's lab results were good. One lesion was a basal cell, and all margins were excised. The other lesion was just an upset hair follicle.

The fog was dense, but not terrible. We could see at least the distance of what would be a city block. That's not good, but not so bad that our driver had to stick his head out the window to find the center line. Thank you all for caring about our safety.

I'm glad to have an update regarding Butch. Thank you, Kay. I'll see you tomorrow. Jerry's been sitting up snoring, so I'd better say Goodnight.

Carrie

[kayc]

I'm glad you made it back safely. And I'm glad they got the basal cell and the other was okay.

[MartyT]

Me, too