I Locked My Grief "in A Box" Inside, Afraid To Let It Out

[Mommy1201]

In order to understand why I "had" to lock it up, I need to share my story. My apologies for the length of this post, as I'm sure it will be rather long. But first, a little background. I am a stay at home mom of two wonderful children, 6 & 7. My amazing husband, Jon, worked hard to support us. He worked at a concrete redi mix company as a truck driver/mechanic. The spring and summer were always crazy busy for him. It was when we would usually save up money to help get through the slower seasons.

My nightmare actually began with my brother, Mike. Last January, he lost his job and then his car. Then in April he began having acute stomach pains and was hospitalized several times while doctors tried to figure it out. Towards the end of May, he was diagnosed with duodenal cancer. My sweet husband, Jon, and I decided I should go with him to meet with the oncologist. The night before Mike's first appt, Jon and I decided Mike should come to live with us. Since Mike was single, we didn't want him to go through this alone. We were also concerned about his living situation because of his job loss. We didn't know it, but it turned out Mike had been sleeping at a shelter for a couple weeks before he came to our home.

The first appt was on May 27. The doctor made it seem like no big deal. Just needed surgery and poss chemo. We were so filled with hope! So I went to work finding an excellent surgeon. And I went to work finding a day camp that allowed me to bring my two cuties in on an as needed basis, instead of requiring a week at a time. Met with surgeon on June 4. He said he needed further tests before he could give an accurate opinion on treatment and prognosis. Met with the dr again on June 14....stage IV. The only options they could offer related to quality vs quantity of life. When we pushed the dr for a rough idea on how much time, he would only say from 6 months to 6 years! Talk about a wide range! Said this type of cancer typically advanced kind of slow and Mike was young (turned 40 August 12) and in relatively good health otherwise. Based on all that, he hoped Mike would have a shot at the longer edge of the range. Mike chose quantity, wanting as much time as possible with family, especially his son, Jake, who was 11 at the time. I then took Mike to his ex's house where he had to tell Jake. Being a part of that conversation was the most difficult thing I could ever be involved with. Or so I thought at the time. I was SO wrong. The MOST difficult thing was to come (more on that in a bit).

The first part of the plan was to put a stent in his duodenum where the tumor was so that Mike could eat very small amounts without the tumor blocking the exit out of the stomach. That was to be scheduled for about a week and a half later. The personal plan was to have Jake spend as much of the summer with Mike at our home.

God had a different plan. Mike's condition deteriorated very quickly. He suffered a couple of huge setbacks that left him very weak. By mid July, the dr said there was nothing more they could do, he wasn't regaini his strength and was too weak to handle anything else.

During all of this, my sweet husband was absolutely amazing! When he'd get home from work, he'd be absolutely beat. He left for work around 4am and we'd be lucky if he was home by 7pm (almost 3 hours total commute since we live in a rural area). No matter how tired he was, he made sure he spent at least a few minutes talking with Jake before getting quality time with our cuties. He was so amazing that he didn't bat an eye about how much this was costing us financially because Mike had no income. Since we live so far out, it was 2+ hours to get to the hospital and doctor. And gas wasn't cheap over the summer. Add to that the numerous days at day camp. Yikes! But my amazing husband and I have always said family takes care of family. No matter how difficult it is!

On the afternoon of July 27, Mike and I decided it was time to bring in hospice. I couldn't manage his pain anymore with what the dr was able to prescribe. So the angels from hospice came the next morning with all sorts of meds.

AND THEN....oh dear lord...and then the unthinkable happened! On August 8, at 1pm, I received a call from a Winfield police officer. My dear, sweet, amazing husband, the love of my life had been in an accident in his work truck. I freaked out, of course, but at the same time, I figured it couldn't possibly be too serious. He was in a great big cement mixer after all. Surely that prevented him from sustaining life threatening injuries. And then I called the ER he'd be transported to. Critical condition! I had to get there ASAP. So I set my kids up with a DVD and left them with Mike. He couldn't take care of himself by then, but I knew I could get my brother in law's wife to drop whatever she was doing and come over. I knew they would be more than okay for the half hour it would take for her to get there. Risky, I know, but my cuties are very well behaved. They were still glued to the tv when she got there!

God watched over me on the way to the hospital. On the way there I called and told my sister in law, having called my brother in law before I left. Unfortunately, along the way I came upon the accident site. Had to pull over among the emergency vehicles because I broke down sobbing uncontrollably. The officer that called came over and urged me to go to the hospital right away. By then I knew in my head that the worst had happened because I knew my brother in law had already made it there and he hadn't called with info. My heart didn't accept it though, still insisted he'd be ok. He wasn't though. He had a massive heart attack. By the grace of God, he didn't hit any vehicles when he crossed oncoming traffic when he went off the road. And it was a BUSY 4 lane road. The first responders called him a hero. Witnesses said when his truck came to a stop between two trees, he stumbled out of the truck and collapsed. Despite the attempts of the paramedics and ER staff, they were unable to restart his heart. The love of my life was gone.

Hours later, when I got home, I had to do the most difficult thing...tell our beautiful children that daddy was dead.

So you see, I couldn't let myself grieve. I could only allow myself to barely touch the surface of my grief. I had to help my children and get them to the point where they were able to start school 11 days later. and I was still my brother's caregiver. There was no one else to help. The "local" hospice (which was based 45 minutes away) was not a large enough organization to provide hours of care (thankfully, that changed right at the end). Don't get me wrong though, they were incredible. As soon as they found out, they enveloped my children and I in their care. They truly are angels. His regular nurse was my lifeline! The bereavement counselor, chaplain, music therapist, and social worker came out to check on me and help my children. My children have handled daddy's death amazingly well. But then, they've already dealt with loss since both my parents and Jon's dad had died over the last couple years. So they already understood the concept of death.

Towards the very end, he literally required 24 hour care. After a couple days of almost no sleep, I cried out to his nurse, needing help. I was able to get hospice to agree to send a nurse at night so I could get a few hours sleep. A few days later, we had to admit him to the hospital because he couldn't swallow his liquid meds and his pain was out of control. And of course he became lucid enough long enough when the paramedics were there to take him (he hadn't been lucid for at least a week). Literally broke my heart to hear him cry out to me "why? You promised I could stay until I died!" He died 5 days later, September 24, with me, Jake, his ex, and his hospice nurse at his side.

At that time I still couldn't allow myself to really grieve for my husband. I was so overwhelmed. I Was in tremendous pain, but numb at the same time. It was just WAY too much losing them both just 47 days apart! I couldn't even do a memorial service for Mike for awhile (he had donated his body with the condition it was used with research involving duodenal cancer). Finally had his memorial on October 24. I felt so guilty during the service because my copious tears were because I missed my sweet husband So MUCH!

So then the holidays were looming. Worked myself into a panic. Feared I'd never make it through them if I allowed myself to really grieve. So kept it locked up. Still locked up, February 8 makes 6 months since my dear husband died, our 11th anniversary is on Valentine's day, his birthday is February 28. How can I ever make it through all of that if I allow myself to fully grieve?! I'm so scared! Afraid I'll fall apart soon, break into a million pieces. I registered for the only grief support group within 45 minutes drive, but it doesn't start til early March. My kids go to monthly group at the hospice. The counselor there is wonderful! She has offered more than once to come here while my kids are at school so she can help me. I'm just too scared I won't make it through February if I give my grief permission to come out!

Please, just pray for me.

Lisa

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Mommy1201,
I am not a counselor, so I'm not qualified to advise you. I'm sure Marty, our moderator and counselor, will contact you soon after she reads your heart-wrenching story. She is located in Florida, so she likely won't see your post until tomorrow morning. I am in CA, so although it's late, I'm still awake. I was just about to go to sleep, but then saw your post. I can tell you only that I hurt for you, and that I will be praying a lot for you. My heart goes out to you, and I send you many warm and long hugs. I don't know if you are still online, but if you need to talk now, you can either write here, or email me. I don't want you awake, hurting, alone and needing to talk. I will wait half an hour for you to contact me, if you are wake still, and would like to talk. I will go back and read your post carefully for details. For now, I'm just trying to let you know that I'm still awake and here for you.
I'm sure a lot of the caring family on this forum will be here for you very soon, and we will all be here for you, and will stay with you.
My husband automates redi mix concrete plants. I'm wondering if I'm familiar with the company your husband drove for.
Lots of hugs and squeezes,
Carrie

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Lisa

I just read this and I am so very very sorry. You have come to the right place here and soon there will be people along to talk. You can share anything here and sharing does help. Jan (in England)

[shalady]

I am so, so sorry. My heart hurts for you and your children. I am glad you found this place. I have found much comfort here. There are many caring and understanding folks sharing their feelings, feelings much like our own because they have gone through and are still going their own loss. Only those who have been through such loss truly understand. I hope you will continue to come here. I hope it helps you as it does me. I am praying for you and your children. May you find peace and comfort.

Shalady

[annew]

Dearest Lisa,

Thank you so much for coming to this safe and deeply caring place again and reaching out with your pain and fear. We are here for you and we are listening to how you feel, so you are doing it, getting help for yourself now. The more you can let it be one day at a time to deal with so much the better for you. You are not alone and you are doing very well. It's ok to want to manage your feelings so that you can take care of your children and your self. Your choices are good and I am so glad you have gotten care for your children. Please tell us what is happening and getting your feelings clear here so that you can make good choices for yourself. Much love and prayers for you and yours.

AnneW

[Mommy1201]

Thank you all. Someday I'd like to share about the love story of my husband and I...could not do it in this post, TOO PAINFUL.

Plus it was TOO long of a post as it is...lol

[kayc]

Lisa,

Your story is heartbreaking! Yes, it's way too much for one person in such a short time span. I hope you'll consider seeing a grief counselor, many work on a sliding scale, but it would help you tremendously as they could help you know where to start with your grief and how to address it. Our moderator, a grief counselor herself, Marty, will be along soon, she will have links to reading that will help you and your children. Do you still get to see Jake?

Having the responsibility of caring for your children alone will take a lot of your time and attention, but it might help to "schedule a time" to grieve. Maybe set aside 1/2 hour increments where you can cry. As you live in a rural area, perhaps you could drive to a remote area and scream (I did that, thank God for country!).

You have found a safe haven here, a place where the people are so understanding and caring, I want to welcome you here, anytime you need to vent, we're here to listen, it helps to know you're heard.

I am just so sorry for your losses.

I want to add that when your brother said that at the end, his world had narrowed to himself and his problems, and that was what was looming to him...I'm sure he appreciates all you did for him and had he been in his right mind, he would have understood the need for him to have special care. My husband, when he was dying, got onto me about not being there (I didn't know he was going to have a heart attack the one weekend I was away during the year)...it wasn't rational or reasonable, and it was extremely unlike him...I knew it was his pain and the knowledge he was dying (I didn't know that yet but he did) that made him lash out like that. I just listened and acknowledged his pain/concern and didn't try to reason with him. Passing from this world into the next is a huge adjustment, esp. since your brother had a son he was leaving behind.

[kayc]

My post crossed with yours...

We'd love to hear your love story. Don't worry about the length...some of us are quite the talkers!

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Lisa,

Just a note to say that I am thinking of you, and that I told Jerry about you. He will pray with me within a few minutes for you also. Right now, we are just waking up, are still half-lidded, and are in need of coffee. You are going through more than one person should have to bear. I can only imagine how you feel. I can't really even imagine, because I have not suffered so much loss at one time. May God shelter you underneath His loving "wings" (in His arms), and give you healing, comfort, strength, stamina, and peace in your heart. Others are better qualified than I to direct you to resources that you will find helpful, and will give you hope to heal.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Blessings and hugs,

Carrie

[MartyT]

Lisa, my dear, as I read your story, my heart just hurts for you. It's so good to know that you've found your way to this warm and caring place, and I hope you can feel the loving concern that our members are sharing with you.

I understand your concern about giving your grief "permission to come out," but I want to suggest gently to you that it is already taking far more will power and energy to keep a lid on your feelings than it would take to let them out. As I've written elsewhere,

Sometimes we fear that if we show our sadness, there will be no end to it. We worry that, if we allow ourselves to cry, especially in front of others, the tears will never stop. We think that once we “let ourselves go,” we will lose all control and won’t ever be able to regain our composure . . . [but] When you permit yourself to “let go” for a time and release what you feel, you’ll be better able to function afterward. It’s a simple fact that holding onto your emotions takes a lot more energy than releasing them.

I hope you will consider inviting that grief counselor into your home while your kids are at school. The very fact that you are seeing such benefits in your children is evidence that grief counseling does indeed help ~ and you are so deserving of whatever support is offered to you.

I don't want to bombard you with too many articles at this point, but I do encourage you to read the following:

Are You Reluctant to Seek Counseling for Grief?

Me? Need a Hospice Grief Counselor? No Way!

In Grief: Support Groups vs. Individual Counseling

Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief

[enna]

I have read your story Lisa, and I want to say how sorry I am for all the pain you are suffering. The best gift you can give yourself now is to invite a grief counselor to visit with you. They have the tools that will guide you as you open yourself to grieve as you need to.

I have you in my prayers and send you {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}.

Anne

[Mommy1201]

Thank you all for the kind words and support. You have given me a lot to think about, and I've been thinking about it all day. Marty, thank you for the articles, I read them all.

Just before starting this post, I sent the bereavement counselor from hospice an email (didn't trust myself to not change my mind if I waited till Monday to call her). I asked her to come out not this coming week but the following week. This week I will be busy getting ready for my daughter's birthday next Saturday, plus she's having a party that day. I have yet to do anything in preparation for it.

Shortly after my loving husband died, kids and I started going to a local church. Since then, I have met with my pastor and his wife several times. We haven't talked specifically about my grief. I've kept the conversations more about peripheral issues. The biggest of which is of course raising two children alone....so I called him a little while ago and set up a meeting for Monday afternoon. I want to talk with him about trying to start some sort of mentoring program for children who don't have a father actively involved in their life, whether it's due to death or an absentee father. I'm sure I will keep the conversation away from my grief, as usual. But at least I'm going.

So, thank you for the advice and the gentle push to do what I knew I needed to do, but was too scared.

Lisa

[MartyT]

Good for you, dear Lisa. Good for you. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And we will not let you travel this journey alone. We will be here for you, every step of the way.

[feralfae]

Dear Lisa,
I second what Marty said, because she said it so beautifully.

I am glad to see you here among us, but I am so very sorry for the reason you are here. It has been almost three years for me, and one of the kindest actions I took on behalf of myself early on was to get a good grief counselor through our Hospice providers.

It is good to see you taking care of yourself. And that you feel ready to give back through your church is super, and I hope you will not rush things, but honor your body's need for rest and restoration as well.

Blessings,
fae

[shalady]

Lisa, I agree Marty said it so beautifully and I will be among those on your journey. It has been four months for me. I have just found a support group in my area and will be going hopefully this week. I am having a hard time finding a grief counselor, only things online. Maybe the group will be able to help me find one. I was married for 38 years and miss my husband terribly. This is why I understand your feelings and am so glad you have found this place. I am so glad of the plans you are making and the way you are able to help your children with their grief. I hope you will take for yourself as well and be kind to yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shalady

[kayc]

Lisa,

That is a great idea! And it was also a good idea to email the bereavement counselor so you couldn't change your mind. That is taking a step, making a commitment to see it through and I think one you will not regret. Sometimes it's making the decision that's the hardest part!

[Mommy1201]

The bereavement counselor is coming over next Wednesday. I feel good about that, which kind of surprises me.

I had a good visit with my pastor and his wife. Talked about a lot of things. Even talked about how I've avoided dealing with my grief. And about how difficult February is going to be for me. My pastor did some research and ordered a couple of books for me hoping they might help me on this incredibly difficult journey.

I did ask if there were very many families in our church with absent fathers, whether due to death or otherwise. Since I'm still new to the church, I didn't know. The only other family that does has teenagers. I mentioned how helpful it would be if there were some sort of mentoring program for the kids. How my son needs some guy time. He said there is a young man in our church who would be perfect for that as he works with at risk kids. He apparently grew up without his father in his life and is trying to make his life work be about helping children who are in the same situation. They are going to talk with him about it.

At bedtime, after my daughter said her prayers, we talked about daddy for awhile (my son had fallen asleep already). And we talked about the state park daddy had taken them to a few times on their daddy days out. I asked her if she'd like to go back there soon. Told her I probably wouldn't be able to find the exact spots that daddy had taken them to. She said that's okay mommy. Then my precious little girl said we should go on daddy's birthday, that daddy would like that. How blessed am I, to have such sweet, loving children!

Thanks for letting me ramble here.

Lisa

[kayc]

Lisa,

I'm glad for the help you're getting. In the church where we raised our kids, there was a "big brother/sister" program where they hooked up ALL of the kids/teens with an adult in the church. The adult reached out to the child, took them out for a coke, was there to talk to, had them over to make cookies, took them fishing, whatever they seemed to click with. My kids still remember their big brother/big sister with fond memories. It inspired a greater sense of belonging and extended family. Sometimes it helps kids to have someone to talk to that isn't their parent, esp. as they get older.