R.Everit55 Posted January 25, 2015 Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 I literally slept 12 hrs. It's 1:30 am. I just woke reaching my arm over to my love's side of the bed. And she isn't there. I got up feeling like someone hit me over the head and I am confused. My wife isn't here. This is reality. The last 15 days haven't been a nightmare. The months prior weren't a nightmare. I only want to lay down again next to my precious and talk to her, hold her hand and tell her how sorry I am that this angry evil disease got her and took her. I now cannot go into our room right now. I can't rest on our bed. Not feeling like this. We got snow and we got ice then more snow on top of it here in southern CT. Little Man is itching to go out. Not me. Not feeling sick still and aching for all of this to be a terrible nightmare. Anyone else ever wake and just are confused and like your in another person's nightmare? Butch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 25, 2015 Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Dear Butch, I know the feeling of waking and not realizing for a moment all that has happened. I know the feeling after that first moment of waking when you get that jolt of reality. I have come home and reached for the phone to see if he called while I was out, and then gasped. I have had things happen and wanted to share them with them, then I am stopped in my tracks, he is not there. I want to wish it all away, for all of us, but I cannot. I keep telling myself Bob would not want me to be sad, not want me to give up, so I do what I do for him in a way right now. I talk to him everyday. Hospice made me three memory bears, two from his favorite flannel shirt and one from a favorite t-shirt. His favorite hospice aide did this for me and it was a surprise. Although I love the bears, sometimes I have to put them away because it makes me so sad I can't take it. Other times I want them out and they bring me great comfort. I tell you this because it is similar to you not going back in your room right now. I guess this is our grief and it is so unpredictable. ****hugs**** You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you peace and comfort. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 25, 2015 Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Just wanted to add a picture of memory bears. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 25, 2015 Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Butch, yes I think we have all felt just what you have been feeling...the shock of it hitting us again and the realization we are not just trapped in a horrible nightmare, but rather it's our new reality. We absorb it little by little so that eventually it no longer catches us unawares and hits us over the head with it, but rather it seeps in little by little. I'm glad you aren't so sick. I hope your snow is not too much, it must be hard for Little Man to walk or do his business with very deep snow...my dog is lucky that he's so tall. Shalady, I love the Memory Bears! What a wonderful thing for them t do for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 Hi everyone. I still want to tell you some about t my beloveds memorial yet I am in this weird cold state of shock, numb, and excruciating pain all balled up in one which leaves me pretty speechless and just wanting to pretend none of this has happened. Our boy is over with his wife and our two grandsons. It's a slumber party.... Blizzard style. Snow beginning here in southeast CT later today tnrough Wednesday. With up to 30 inches of snow. Yes I said 30 inches. A true blizzard. Luckily we've got a lovely fireplace. Lityle Man hasn't left my side and in the two pics I will share, you can see he was pretty appreciative of the fire warmth. Kay asked me in email (forgive me hun for not getting back to you yet) if we have a log home. No we don't. It's just a vinyl sided home with ceilings that are taller in the middle and slant downwards. Contemporary style mostly. With two skylights in the living room. I miss my love. She made our house a home. Yet I'm so numb and in shock it's making me feel insane... Absolutely insane. Not really sure how we will deal with 30 inches of snow and blizzard conditions and huge drifts. The snow blower broke at my son's. So I guess it's me, Allen, and the boys shoveling. Though I still am sick... Not nearly as bad. Going to snuggle with Little man in bed. My little buddies are getting so big but still small enough to snuggle up on Grammys side of the bed. Bittersweet. ❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 Butch, If you're still sick, please have your son and grandson's do the shoveling, you shouldn't be out in it, don't want you to get worse! I understand feeling the need to keep up with the snow as it comes because I have always had to shovel as it comes...if you wait until all 30" is there and it's wet and heavy, you can't move it, besides, once it freezes up hard, it's there to stay! Perhaps just shovel a path to the street and leave your vehicle parked on the street? Easier to unbury a vehicle than to dig out the whole driveway! I've always been my own "snowblower" so I'm pretty accustomed to how blizzards can be! I hope you still have the fire going and your electricity is still on! I know how the "missing her" goes...we all do. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 30, 2015 Report Share Posted January 30, 2015 I got this email from Butch last night: "We got about three feet total from blizzard. Frigid temps still. I went out to walk Little Man last night. Slipped on a patch of icy snow. Fell hitting the back of my head. Got a goose egg. Iced it. But started vomiting. My son insisted he take me to ER this morning. I have a mild to moderate concussion but no bleeding in brain. Up to three months until symptoms subside. Am to return if I vomit more than a couple times per hour. It's if I get up and move around I vomit. The headache is bad. Sleepiness is intense. No starting back to work for at least a month.I'm just glad I didn't hurt my knee I had surgery on.So I'm down for the count. Haven't been on forum. Just wanted you ladies to know as you always keep in contact in email.More snow, ice, freezing rain this weekend.Off back to sleep. I'm on fioricet without codeine to help head. Don't need codeine as I'm already sleepy enough from concussion. Son and DIL are still here. I am not walking the dog. I am forbidden." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 30, 2015 Report Share Posted January 30, 2015 Oh no. Kay, my dear, please let Butch know that we are thinking of him and holding him close. I am so sorry . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 30, 2015 Report Share Posted January 30, 2015 Thank you for letting us know Kay. How awful, poor Butch on top of everything else. Please let him know I am praying for him and I am so sorry. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted January 31, 2015 Report Share Posted January 31, 2015 Kay, so sorry to hear that Butch has this added stress with a concussion. If you email him, please tell him that I am thinking of him, and praying he is well soon. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 31, 2015 Report Share Posted January 31, 2015 Thank you, Kay. Please tell Butch that I am very sorry he fell and has a concussion. He's surely had a rough go of it! I send hugs, and I pray for him every day. Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted February 1, 2015 Report Share Posted February 1, 2015 Dear Kay,Please let Butch know I am holding him in prayer, sending Light.Thank you,fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 4, 2015 Report Share Posted February 4, 2015 Butch is unable to come on the forum right now as the snow is causing problems with his internet, he was able to have enough connection to send email, albeit very slowly. He is having a lot of problems with his concussion so still having a hard time. Please keep him in your prayers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 4, 2015 Report Share Posted February 4, 2015 Please let Butch know, dear Kay, that we have not forgotten him, and of course we will keep him in our thoughts and prayers. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 Kay, I am so glad you heard from Butch. I have been really worried not hearing from him and was about to post to you about it. I feel so bad and I hope he is going to be okay. He is in such a bad state in so much grief. I hope that doesn't impair his recovery. Please let him know I am so thinking of him and pray for him. Thank you for keeping us up to date. I know how losing weight can be so frustrating. I have been dieting my whole life. The stress of care giving during the last year and losing Bob in September caused me to lose over 80 pounds. Not the way I wanted to do it, a little more than I needed to lose, but it is okay. I really do not enjoy eating like I used to. However, I don't enjoy anything the way I used to without my 'Good Love', Bob. That is what I used to call him, 'my Good Love'. We got that phrase from my Mom. I miss them both so. I still can't believe he is gone. I am still half a person. I know it will get better, just take one day at a time. I think you are wonderful as you post such uplifting words to us all, I know you are still grieving also. Thank goodness for our pets, I think they help keep us going. I wish you peace and comfort. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted February 5, 2015 Report Share Posted February 5, 2015 Dear Kay,Thank you for posting about Butch. Please let him know I am sending all good thoughts, keeping him and his son and family in my prayers, and also sending *<fairy dust>*.Concussions are such tricky things. I know we are all here, watching for news, concerned about Butch's fall, and hoping the concussion is healing well and quickly.Thank you for your loving presence here, dear Kay.fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 Shalady, wow, 80 lbs! That is a lot! I, unfortunately, gained weight after George died, after my initial loss, I guess trying to fulfill myself emotionally through food instead of him (it doesn't work) so am working hard at losing it (very slow go right now) and just trying to eat healthy...not so much concerned about the enjoyment of eating as just putting healthy fuel into my body. fae, Thank you, dear lady! My internet has been down and the electricity out so I'm behind reading/responding here but will definitely email Butch this morning with you, shalady, and Marty's responses. Being unable to use internet makes me feel so cut off from the world! Poor Butch, I can't even begin to imagine losing my spouse and then getting a dreadful flu during the time to plan and attend the funeral, followed by heavy snowstorms and a concussion! His is a bad one and I wish he could have some relief from the symptoms. I'm glad his son and DIL and grandson are there with him. His son is still having to go to work but his DIL is staying there while he's at work so he's not alone, thank God! I'm glad he has Little Man to be a comfort to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 It sounds like Butch isn't doing much better. I am very sorry to hear that. Yes, he has had much more than his share of devastating events. I too am so glad his dil is able to be with him. I hope he starts to improve soon. I don't know about concussion or how long they last. I am keeping him in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 From what I've read on line, it can be up to three months or even a year, it's individual. Headaches, dizziness, nausea, confusion, memory problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted February 6, 2015 Report Share Posted February 6, 2015 So sorry to hear Butch is not doing very well, hope he starts recovering soon. Shalady, I also lost weight when my Mike died, not 80 pounds, about 20. I just had no appetite. It stayed gone for about 2 1/2 years, no matter what I ate, then sadly it came wandering back, plus a little. I am now trying to get rid of it, trying to eat healthier, and stay away from chips and fast food. Slow going, but seems to be working. Kay, please tell Butch I am thinking of him, and praying for his recovery. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted February 7, 2015 Report Share Posted February 7, 2015 Sending blessings to you Butch. I am so happy that your son and DIL are there with you. Little Man will stay close to you. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2015 Thank you doesn't cover it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 7, 2015 Report Share Posted February 7, 2015 There is no need to cover it, dear Butch. You are one of us, and we care for you with love, and without any expectations, except for this: that you continue to take loving care of yourself. Rest. Heal. And know that we carry you gently in our thoughts and prayers. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 7, 2015 Report Share Posted February 7, 2015 I agree...your job for right now is self-care, now more than ever. Sending a big hug... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted February 8, 2015 Report Share Posted February 8, 2015 Dear Butch, Marty and Kay have expressed just how I feel as well. Feel better soon. ***hugs*** Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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