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I Am Devastated


jess77

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My beautiful 13 year old golden Axil had to be put to sleep yesterday. I don't know what to do with myself. All I do is cry. I have 3 kids, a husband and another dog and cat to take care of. But he was my best friend, 5 weeks ago he was sick and had to have surgery and we found out he had cancer. He came home and was doing great, following me cross country skiing, playing outside. We did homeopathic treatments, switched his food to all homemade but 1.5 weeks ago he stopped walking which we thought was vestibular diease well it wasn't the cancer it turned out was in his brain. He started having seizures Wednesday but we didn't know what they were, by yesterday I knew something wasn't right and I was desperate to have him not in pain nothing I did helped. I thought if I loved him enough I could will the cancer away. I truly did not believe he would die. We had to take him in and put him to sleep he was in so much pain. I loved him so much I gave up but now all I do is cry. I just don't know how I am gonna get through this, he wasn't just a dog, he was my son and my best friend. What I am going to do. My heart is breaking. I don't think this is ever going to get better, there was no one like him.

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My heart is breaking for you, dear jess77. I wish there were words to comfort you. You showed your love for Axil by putting him out of his pain.

Do you have a picture you'd like to share? I am so sorry you are in so much pain. {{{hugs}}}

Anne

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Oh Jess ~ I am so very sorry for your loss of your beloved Axil. What a beautiful boy. What a precious face. I cannot imagine how your heart is breaking now. You've found your way to a warm and caring place ~ lots of animal lovers here, and we've all been where you are now.

I hope this brings you some small measure of comfort: Til Then

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Dear Jess,

My heart hurts for you so much. I think I understand something of what you are feeling, for we had to put our little Doxie named Ashely to sleep on October 10 due to kidney disease. Our fur babies do become our children, and losing them hurts terribly. Marty is right in saying your Axil has such a precious face. How sweet! With a face so sweet, I can see how you fell in love with him. Thank you for sharing his photo. I'm sending you warm hugs.

Carrie

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You are so welcome, dear Jess. I hope you will use this space to tell us more about your Axil ~ what was special about him. It is those precious memories that will keep him alive in your heart and in your mind. You might find this article to be helpful (and be sure to follow some of the links to other articles as well): Losing a Cherished Pet: Myths and Misconceptions

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Jess, I am so sorry for your loss. Our furry companions are our closest friends, it's a hard thing to go through. I hope as you go through these early days without him that the special moments you shared will carry you through. (((hugs)))

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He was such a funny guy, we would race up our yard and they lay on the ground and wrestle. We were even doing that in December, that is why this is just so unbelievable. If u blew on the back of his ear he would twitch he would let u do it twice but the third time he would luck you face like a crazy dog. He wouldn't do that last week. He loved swimming, when we would go up north to my parents cottage he would be in the water from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon when we left. The car would stink the whole way home. I am going to miss that so much. He even did that this last summer. Everyday is going to be so hard, we did so much together. He and his furry brother Chance would go in the car with me to drop and or pick up their 2 legged siblings from school. If I was in the garden he was there with me. After my husband's and my name on the Christmas card came his, then my other pups then the kids . It went in the age order. Everyone used to think we were silky with that, but they were there first and they meant no less to use then our children. He taught me to really love. I am just so sad. Thank you for listening. I have so many stories, if you don't mind I will keep telling them, it helps my broken heart.

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Oh, please keep telling your stories. What a beautiful animal Axil is and I for one will like to hear more stories.

Every time I watch the video 'Til Then', I cry. I love the message and it tugs at my heart.

Anne

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I have been known to sign Arlie's name to my Christmas cards, so I don't think you're crazy! They are our fur-children. I feel the way Anne does, it's good to hear specific things about each animal here, it helps us know them better...and understand your grief better. I pray your tears are replaced with smiles eventually at his memory. I'm sure if he could say anything to you, it'd be to thank you for giving him such a wonderful loving home, not all are so lucky.

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I am sorry for your loss. I know your pain is great. My husband and I lost our fur baby in October 2014. It's been almost 4 months and it still hurts. Even though I haven't posted anything in a while. Reading what others are going through helps me to know I am not alone. My hearts till breaks when I come home from work. I miss him so much. I was outside this past Sunday picking ups twigs from where the wind blew hard and they were all over the yard. I had to take a moment and cry till I felt my heart would break. My Chopper loved going outside, he was an indoor pet, whenever he saw me get my shoes on he jumped right up and he knew we were going outside. Since his passing, I don't spend time outside much anymore, it's too painful still. This website is wonderful. It's great to have a place to share your pain and memories with others that understand that kind of pain.........

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Well it has almost been a week since Axils passing.....I still look for him when I wake up. I was being a little nutty today, I had to steam clean the carpet where he was because he had been having accidents and I actually tried to smell him in the carpet. I will be good all day and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. Yesterday we got his paw prints in the mail and I was basically in bed for the night, I just sobbed. Someone said the other day at least you won't have to pick up so much poop in the spring and I almost went crazy, I don't think they meant it bad but it hurt me. But I didn't come on to complain I wanted to tell the story of how we got Axil and his name. Jake and I bought our house in July of 2001, he had always had dogs, I had dog cousins (my dad swore he was allergic) by December he was itching to get a puppy. I was nervous. But December 5, 2001 he called a breeder and lined it up that I would go and buy a male that night. I tried everything to get out of it, I lied and said my work door was broke and I had to wait for a man to fix it, I was too tired. But I ended up going with my mother in law about 45 mins away to see him. The people were very nice and greater us at the door with his dog parents. I didn't see him, he was the last one left and his mother had hidden him under the table. But when I did see him it was love at first sight. We played for awhile and started the trek home. Well he didn't like the car and barfed on my poor mother in law. (Maybe he knew about paybacks for other things;)) we got to her house and she said I would need a heart beat dog for him, I said ok? We went home played for awhile and hit the hay. Or so I thought. He started crying probably an hour into bedtime. My husband wanted him crated and he worked over nights so I didn't know what was happening. Well let's just say our first night together we snuggled, our last night we did too. I miss his snuggles. I love telling his stories. If no one cares I think I will do this again. Thank you for taking time out of your day for me. I really think posting here is helping a lot. Animal people are the best!

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Chopper4ever, when I am outside I feel him the most. He loved it out there and it kills me that he had to die in this awful winter. When he couldn't be out as much as he wanted too. But I walked my other dog this morning and I could feel him in the sun and the breeze. It hurt but I know that is what he loved. I hope you feel better. This is a wonderful site. So many caring people.

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You are welcome to tell his stories. There was was a chapter about that too. I'd love to read whatever you write about your dog, it can be very cathartic.

I'm sorry someone made that insensitive remark, as if you minded cleaning up after him! My dog Lucky and my granddoggy Skye were incontinent the last couple of years of their lives, I never minded cleaning up after them, it's just what you do! Someday someone may need to clean up after us! ;)

Edited by MartyT
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Kayc...that is exactly how we feel. Our other senior puppy has had issues for a year now with #2 in the house but other than that he is great (he has lost a lot of his back muscles). I know they would take care of me! Thank you I think I will write more. My Uncle wrote a short book about his dog after he passed and he told me it made him feel better and he passes it on to people going through the same loss. I think it is a wonderful idea and I have so many wonderful ones of my good friend. I miss you Axil!

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What a great idea! (giving the book to those who are going through it)

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Jess,

We love your stories. I haven't written much in the past few days because I haven't felt well, but I read, and I care very much. As I think I told you, we lost our little Doxie Ashely to kidney disease on 10 October 2014. Our Doxie, Calico Rose, called Callie, Ashely's cousin who is the younger by one day, has kidney disease also, and she appears to be losing ground fast. She vomited three times yesterday , which goes along with kidney disease. It feels like we can't go through this again so soon. I'm SO not ready. Callie's teeth are hurting her, and she has a growth between two back molars. Anesthesia worsens KD, so they're treating her, for now, with antibiotics and buprenex (pain med). The girls' other cousin, Beauregard, does not have KD, he's just old, mostly deaf, and arthritic. He will be 15 in May, and Callie will be 15 in June. Ashely died at fourteen. Tears still come so easily, and especially as we try to help Callie.

Carrie

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Oh Carrie, my heart goes out to you. Just today I was thinking, why did we get dogs the same age? It's just what happened and I wouldn't trade it but we are nervous about Chance our other senior dog. Like your Callie he has been having some issues for some time. Not KD, just old age diease. The old body is starting to fail him but I can't lose him too. So we do what we can. I watched old home videos of my dogs today and I laughed and cried. I hope Axil is young again up in heaven, because when he was here he sure had a good time. Your dog's love you and know you are doing the best for them. I guess just snuggle them a little more, I think that helps them too. Jess

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I forgot tell how Axil ended up with his name! No not Axil Rose as everyone thinks. Axil Foley from Beverly Hills cop, I had watched it the weekend before and thought that was a great name. Well my husband wanted Ezekial. We had a thumb war.....and I won! So his name was Axil Ezekial. The bad thing.....the little neighborhood kids trying to say his name. Instead of Axil, it sounded like a**hole. When we had our own kids we heard it too! Oh well. We liked it!

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Axil Ezekiel. That's cute. Funny story!

When we first went to San Diego for our Doxie babies, we discussed names all the way down there (long trip; we live just over "hill" from Yosemite in Tuolumne County). Amberly (daughter) and I wanted to name them Daisy (wee Black and Tan girl who became Ashely), Petunia (little red sable girl who became Callie), and Poppy (our red smooth boy who became Beauregard). Jerry said that there was absolutely no dignity in any one of those names. He was definitely opposed. He was right, of course, but dignified or not, they seemed to fit. Daisy and Petunia became nicknames for the girls, because they sort of stuck with Amberly and me.

I still have trouble looking at Ashely's photos. I thought I was getting better, but Callie's becoming worse is making the hurt come back hard. I'm feeling like I just lost Ashely. I discovered today on Pinterest that I can hardly stand to look at Doxies period, because I love the breed so much, and we are losing ours. I would get another one in a heartbeat, but I cannot due to health issues. I will make myself look at Doxies. We may have Callie for a while yet. You are right. Lots of snuggles.

Carrie

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Oh Carrie, you gave me quite a laugh at the pronunciation of Axil's name! :D

I'm concerned too because Arlie has a tumor in his private area...I took him to the vet Wed. and she said it doesn't look good (it's not pliable but hard and it doesn't move around but is affixed, which isn't a good sign) but it's still small and she wants to keep an eye on it and wants me to notify her if it grows. I don't have $ and surgery for a dog that size (132 lbs) can be very expensive for anesthesia. He's 7 and big dogs like him don't usually live past 10, 12 if they're really healthy/lucky. I honestly can't picture life without my Arlie, it just wouldn't seem to have any meaning.

My heart goes out to you with Callie's infirmities. I pray comfort for her and peace for you.

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