How Long In The Fog?

[Harleyquinn]

I feel sometimes it's like being in a boxing ring, total outmatched with no means of escape. With each punch you receive you stagger to your feet and then get punched again. 

 

exactly this

[Froggie4635]

Just got out of a group staff meeting...and feel terrible.  I felt no desire to participate, my focus completely sucked and now I feel horrible.  I am so far from the person that I used to be, and cannot handle it.  It is hard to work at a place that likes a lot of team input, but I just don't want to; I can't force myself to do it.  When I do, I can feel the tears coming.  This is probably only the second group meeting with participation since Mark died.  I work to focus on the tasks I need to complete to do my job, but just don't have it in me to engage and participate.  Is this still normal?

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Maryann ~ Please know that the answer to your question is YES. Whatever you are feeling at this point in you own, personal grief journey is NORMAL ~ normal for YOU, and that is all that matters. It is perfectly normal (especially at this point) to find it difficult to focus on anything other than your loss, because there is nothing, nothing, NOTHING more important in your life (and more worthy of your attention) than what you have lost, and figuring out the effect that loss has had and will have on your life. What, I ask you, is more important than that? Your mind is PRE-occupied with your own personal loss, which makes it very, very difficult to focus on anything else ~ most especially those matters that seem so very trivial and unimportant in comparison to what has happened to you in your own, personal world. So yes, this is still normal. Not easy, not pleasant, not fun ~ but certainly, most definitely, normal. ♥

[kayc]

Oh yes!  I lost my job a few months after George died and my new place never knew him, wasn't supportive, and were young and unexperienced with grief...I say unexperienced rather than inexperienced because they had not a clue, nor did they have a desire to!  It was very hard and I never did feel that my focus was the same.

[scba]

Maryann, I'm sorry too for what has happened today. I can understand when you say: "I am so far from the person that I used to be, and cannot handle it". I read that we must deal with the question: "who am I, now that he/she is gone"? I haven't found an answer for myself. I still don't recognize myself. A month ago I had a job interview, I went to the interview totally unprepared, I didn't even bother to wear a suit. I didn't prepare myself for Q&A. That's so far from what I used to be, committed, responsible, with attention to details. Of course I didn't get the job. I blamed myself for being so careless about an opportunity I had been given. Later, I could understand that this woman on that interview was not me, I was in so much pain that day, it was my pain being present at the interview.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day at work for you.

 

[Harleyquinn]

my performance at work as definitely dropped

I used to be driven, ambitious, hard working...have been recognized as a top performer multiple times....

fast forward to today, and i can barely do the basics of my job....  for now i am skating by because of reputation of how i used to be... i do worry sometimes if i can't snap out of it i might lose my job...but i can't really seem to make myself care much 

Edited October 15, 2015 by Harleyquinn

[Froggie4635]

Harleyquinn,

I haven't really CARED about much since Mark died.  I do my best to be in work mode at the office, and try and show a little of who I was, but my mind is blank.  It is kind of like walking around with white noise in my head.  I escape into re-runs a lot; don't have to think or concentrate while I listen to the white noise in my head.  I wander around the house, walking past things I could easily do, but don't.  By the time I get home, after focusing so hard on the tasks at hand instead of missing my husband so badly it hurts, I am exhausted.

I am blessed to have people around me who look out for me, and help me keep moving along.  I do laugh sometimes, and show that sharp wit that Mark loved so much.  I still just remind myself to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME.

[Guest]

I escape into re-runs a lot; don't have to think or concentrate while I listen to the white noise in my head.

I read books I've read a dozen times, generally young adult, mindless stuff that I already know the story.  That way I don't need to concentrate.  T.V. annoys me now - I used to like it.  Can't tell you the story of a movie I've watched in the past 78 days. 

[Froggie4635]

I thought the fog was lifting, but it just keeps coming back.  I always prided myself on being one of the best multi-tasker's.  Well, that is gone.  I started a 30-day writing course about grief.  Each day I receive a prompt to write about.  Yesterday's was to give your grief a personality, and it was hard.  I was supposed to try and give it a "voice", a personality.  I just couldn't wrap my mind around the concept.  There is no wrong or right, so I gave it my best shot.  I have to just write what is asked and not go back over it.  There are also other grievers in the group, and the post their writing.  I find truth in the statement that everyone's grief is different, just like everyone's writing style is different.  My mental state is almost non-existent...is like my head is empty.  When I listen to music, it just bounces around inside.  I still can't read a story, or watch something that I have not seen before...I can't follow it.  Still, I keep pushing myself.  The writing course, along with journaling keeps the grief fresh and active.  But I am missing Mark SO MUCH.  Today is a much cooler day; lower humidity...so I keep going out into the garage to try and clean up while the dogs play in the yard.  Well, I have this large, flat crate that Mark created to ship out the stove top to have it painted. Well, I decide that I am going to put the work pants that he wore in that crate (make use of the space).  I have handled these pants before; folded them all nice and neat and stacked them.  Well, I picked them up from their spot, and as soon as I touched them, my bottom lip began to quiver and the tears came, and I had to come inside.  I keep pulling off that Band-Aid.  Last night was the season premiere of "Gold Rush" and I had a hard time enjoying it.  Mark wasn't there to discuss it.  The thing that made this unsettledness worse was Thursday's episode of Grey's Anatomy.  The interns were  being instructed on how to break the news to family that their loved one was dead.  Well, it came down to Meredith instructing them and how well it was written and acted.  I wish I could find a snippet of that scene so I could watch it over and over.  She NAILED it.  Of course she did, she's a WIDOW and has been on the receiving end.  She told them that they will be a part of these families for the rest of their lives, because they will be the face that is remembered when they get told the worst thing that could ever happen to them.  I am kind of paraphrasing, but as she was delivering the lines, I was crying and shaking my head in the positive.  No fog present that evening...understood that clear as a bell.

I know I am ranting and just throwing things out there...it is how I am now.  I feel like I have ADHD...

[kayc]

Maryann,

I tried to do what you were assigned...and I couldn't do it either.  Not really.  Not anything worthy of penning to paper.  I guess the first thing that came to my mind when trying to assign a personality was "space cadet" because grief so knocks you down you're unable to focus, to the point of having a very difficult time performing your job, doing every day tasks.  But aside from that void, the other thing that struck me was "consumed" because it never truly leaves you and it does consume you, day and night, as many years as you have left here.  You just learn to live with it.  You don't talk about it to others much unless they're also widowed and understand.  Others think you're doing okay but they haven't a clue, your world has imploded, never to be put back together again...in my early grief I remember saying I felt like Humpty Dumpty.

You're right, there is no fog when it comes to understanding grief, it's like it's all we truly get any more.

[santiken]

It wouldn't hurt so much but for the love you had for him...I feel the same way. Love is a fantastic emotion but it can hurt as well. But love is eternal...

[Froggie4635]

Just got back from a lunch with the girls from work, and my emotions are all over the place.  I am swinging from being really cranky to feeling the crying want to start.  I am just not comfortable with bigger groups anymore.  Too many conversations, too many distractions...just too much to focus on.  Am I being oversensitive?I don't want to be the stick in the mud and not go...but now I am just wanting to run out of the building and go home, instead of having to come back and try to work this final 45 minutes before I leave.  These moods are almost as bad as PMS.

[scba]

I don't think you are not being oversensitive. It takes a lot of inner strength to be in bigger groups and focus in casual conversation when you are grieving. However, you are trying, and that's a big step. 

There is a poem that says "when I was young, I used to think that life was beautiful,  that life was good, that life was fair. But now, now I am running away and I am crying, because I cannot pretend to be part of a world I am no longer belong to" (translated, diary of a young widow)

[kayc]

It sounds a lot like grief anxiety, and it's very common.  I hope when you got off work you were able to come right home and relax.

[Froggie4635]

Yesterday was 11 months that Mark is gone.  Tonight is the Donor Medal Ceremony for Life Gift.  It is to honor the memory of those who donated organs/tissues.  I submitted a photo of Mark and his mom and I are going.  I am not sure how this will go.  Someone at work pointed out to me that mostly everyone there tonight will be survivors.  I usually connect that word with someone who has fought an illness or lived through an accident.  I have also decided to take the week after Thanksgiving off.  It is going to be Thanksgiving, Mark's birthday and the anniversary of his passing in about a week...and I am not sure where my head/heart will be.  My moods have been VERY erratic these last couple weeks.  I am also looking into seeing a therapist for a little while.  Another co-worker who lost her husband to suicide about a week after Mark died suggested someone to me.  I still feel so in the fog; can I still be in shock?  After 11 months?

[kevin]

There is definitely cognitive impairment we all go through.......inability to concentrate to the level we are accustomed to......I notice that when I'm driving(forget where I'm going).......three seconds of re thinking it comes back, you may have to circle the block......But I repeat myself and I have times of High Energy and times the Tank is on E....Harley mentioned something...very honestly, that she has been a Top performer in the past and now is "skating" at work. I don't think I could hold a job today and it's been over 100 days for me....

[kayc]

Maryann, yes, it takes a long while for the fog to break through, for many of us the whole first year was a blur.  I'm glad your friend recommended someone to you, I hope it helps.  Your November is like my June.

[scba]

My story is related to organ donation. I know that there are no words that can ease your pain, but the decission to donate in that moment of such darkness has brought hope to someone else. 

I hope the ceremony went well for you. 

[Froggie4635]

It was a very nice ceremony.  I wasn't sure what to expect.  My mother-in-law went with me.  It was very hard. They had us submit a picture, and they read the list of names and showed their picture.  As they did, a volunteer came to each person and presented them with a medal and a white rose.  It was the ultimate definition of bittersweet.  I know it was a great gift, and that was who my husband was.  But it was hard to hear his name amongst those who are no longer with us.  I was proud to be his widow, and one day I will see it as the great thing it was.

[hollowheart]

I'm glad it was a nice ceremony. It sounded very nice. I wanted to agree as far as the work thing as I feel the same. There are trivial things that I probably would have been ok dealing with before now it's a monumental effort to care or focus, or I just don't care at all. What's worse is having the days just blend together with nothing to even look forward to. I used to care about the weekends, now there is nothing. 

Also, you are not being overly sensitive and 11 months is no time at all. I just feel we are pressured to "get back to normal" but it's impossible. At this point I don't care about what friends I lose because I can't paint a smile on for their sakes because it will make me lose what sanity I have left. Take as much time as you need. 

[Froggie4635]

They say that physical activity is good for getting rid of frustration and anger.  It has never been my strong suit, to say the least.  This morning was the first time I sat and asked Mark "How could you leave me."  I know he did not LEAVE me, and I know it was NOT his choice.  My mind understands this; my heart cannot.  I've been outside chopping down the overgrown ginger plants that block my view of the fence across the back of my property.  The reason why I want to unblock my view is that I have three dogs and I want to see what they see when they go running towards the fence.  It needs to be replaced; there are posts and slats that have rotted due to sitting in excess rain water over the many years BEFORE we bought this house.  It didn't help that pervious tenants had big dogs who jumped and tore up this said fence.  So I was out chopping away at anything that was alive and growing.  Then I sat down and cried.  I miss Mark so much.  Not because he used to take care of all these things; but because I enjoyed watching him as he did them.  He was so good at it.  He knew where to cut and what to chop.  He could fix something in the blink of an eye.  He took care of me; not that I need a lot of caring.  And I was thankful; always.  They say I should look upon the time I had him with me and be grateful.  I guess on some level at some point, we all took for granted that we would have all the time we wanted with them.  I don't look at any time I had with Mark wasted time.  I was WITH him, on every level...in the moment, enjoying being in his presence. So much so that when he was out of the room for too long, I walked to see where he was.  My soul just wanted as much of him as I could get.  Maybe somewhere inside I knew I wasn't going to have him for too long.  I've never been a needy person, or an obsessive person, or an easily jealous person.  But from the moment we met, my soul wanted to be with his soul.  Soulmates.

[Gwenivere]

You so perfectly said how I feel about Steve.  I now do the things he did in the yard or other tasks we split.  I miss that we shared these things and complimented each other in caring for our home we made.  I've done some of the outside work and while gratifying at the moment, it would vanish once my mind put it together that I was doing his job.  How he liked doing that for the dogs and me.  He took care of me too and loved doing that and I did for him.  We knew we were independent competent people so it was not a needy thing, it was because we wanted to.  I also knew very shortly after I met him that he was the one.  It took several years before we made that commitment.   I actually thought it would never happen as we were such free spirits.  When he did ask to marry I thought it was a joke.  Actually, he didn't ask, he said we might should since neither of us were going anywhere without the other.  When he got sick he really went out if his way to tell me daily what I meant to him knowing he would not be able to do that for long.  I sometimes think it made this harder to lose him.  I knew he loved me as a soulmate, but to hear it and feel it when he cried feeling like he was abandoning me is now etched in my heart forever.  There are days I almost wish I hadn't met him, but that is only because the pain is too much.  My life was sculpted by all we did, good and bad.  I don't even want to know who I would have been had he not been in my life.

[debi.williams]

Maryann, I echo everything you say and Gwenivere. My husband was good at all that stuff too and he enjoyed it. We too complimented one another and were true partners and soulmates.  

I too think  on some subliminal level we both knew we were not destined to grow old together. Not for us a final sunset. Because, we had found each other and recognised each other's soul and cherished each other almost as if each day was our last.

He will be forever 49 years old. And me? Who knows, I just know that with every gray hair I get, his will remain black and glossy and beautiful. 

I found this below and it hit home hard. I realise that HE DID spend the rest of HIS life with me, I just don't get to spend the rest of mine with him and my heart is shattered. The only positive is that he has been spared from this eternal grief.

[Gwenivere]

Debi, that is so true and sometimes it takes someone else to bring it to light as you did with our post.  Steve did get to spend the rest of his life with me.  He got his wish.  I have to keep going into time til mine ends, but alone.  When I think of him, I see him in my minds eye in his prime.  He was 62 when he died, but I see him as about 40.  Don't know why.  I do know I never want to envision him as he was the last few years of his life when he was ravaged by disease.  But his personality was still strong and those last years I miss his really enjoying the now knowing it was running out.  He did so many things to stay as happy as he could and make it that way for those around him.  If only I could do that, but I can't right now.  I have moments of engagement with the world, but most of the time I don't fit anymore.  I stay in touch with people, but I have so little to give.  That is the part of me that left with him.  I'm told it will come back, but not the same as we are all finding out.  Never in a million years could I have imagined this.  

[Guest]

It is good to see my grief painted with a new brush.  I am happy that Deedo was able to spend the rest of her life with me.  Now if I can figure out the rest of my life without her.