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How Long In The Fog?


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I am grateful to work where I do. I have been here going on 13 years, and it is like family. When Mark and I got married (at this very location), my co-workers represented my family. Mark has a large family; 9 brothers and sisters. I had already posted this morning that it was the anniversary for one of Mark's brothers yesterday and they posted pictures from their wedding 21 years ago. It just caused me to cry last night, and still this morning. I work with a great bunch of folks. When Mark got rushed to the hospital, I had 4 co-workers with me when I went to make the arrangements for Mark's cremation. I had a friend from work take me to follow the ambulance that morning. In fact, they took up a collection to pay for the cremation. Staying focused comes and goes, but I am in an office area that doesn't get a lot of outside traffic. I can be in my cubicle and work to focus on my job, and also work on grieving. I really wanted to stay home today; I have enough sick time to take the time, but I will be off most of next week on vacation, so I decided to come in and keep working.

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I was working in a cubicle without much traffic either excepting some coworkers, it was my favorite job of all time, I was sorry to see the company go out of business a few months later. :(

What do you have planned for vacation?

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Nothing special. There are so many things around the house that still need done. We were never able to take vacations because of Mark's work schedule (he was a mechanic on commission). Financially I not really able to travel, plus with three dogs to take care of, it is easier to stay home. I never minded because I love our house and everything about taking care of it. There are many things I still need to go through; I am trying to clear out the garage. Mark's brother comes over and takes care of the yard. This is my favorite time of year here in Houston. It remains pretty cool during the day, and a little chilly at night. It won't be long before the heat is back. I am originally from up north in PA. Mark was born and raised in Texas. We had always talked about going back to PA. He wanted to see where I grew up. There were so many parts of my life he couldn't share in except through my sharing of memories. I would like to spend some time in my studio (I do artwork with paint chips), but my focus is just not there. Cleaning doesn't take much focus. I do it until I get tired, then I stop.

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Thinking of you, hoping things are going as well as they can, and that you honor where your focus needs to be, and your own need for compassion and gentle care.

It is time to take very good care of yourself. Maybe you can have some "stay-cation" days at home, just playing with your fur babies and watching happy films, or what ever makes you happy. My favorite "stay-cation" day is tea, maybe a G/F scone, a good book or film, maybe give myself a pedicure, maybe send a couple cards to friends, and not answer the telephone. I often make it here to the forum to visit, however. :)

I am glad Houston is still bearable. Those humid summers can drain all my energy, or did when I was in that region. Here in Montana, it is snowing right now, big, fluffy flakes. :) * * * (those are snowflakes) :)

Be kind and gentle yourself, take time to rest and relax, stay hydrated, and know that we honor and welcome your desire to share. We are all here to listen and share.

Blessings,

fae

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I know how difficult these days can be. A vacation at home sounds like a good thing. As Faye said just spending time playing with the dogs and doing whatever makes you feel good. I find music is the best for me. I also got the journal to write down my feelings. I hope you will be able to get some much needed rest and try to relax. I find I do feel better when I accomplish things such as cleaning out a cabinet or drawer. I hope you find some comfort in whatever you do. Just remember to take care of yourself.

Shalady

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Bob and I went to Montana three times. We loved it. We have a black lab and we found a brewery/bar and the name of the place and the name of the beer they made was Black Dog with a picture of a black lab on the label. They also had the dog there all the time. He was beautiful. Bob loved going there. We never wanted to move there because our house is in a mountain with much wildlife around, but no elk, so we were satisfied. Montana is really such a beautiful place though. The mountains are spectacular.

Shalady

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Mark was a boy scout and made many trips as a scout. He loved nature and the mountains. In fact, I have a picture of El Capitan that he took and had enlarged...I found it among some of his things. He talked about taking me to Texas Hill Country. He traveled to most of the parts of Texas. I guess I am feeling cheated about all the things we didn't get to do. Yesterday was bad. There is a small part of me that doesn't want to go on without him, that if I found out I had some bad illness I wouldn't want to fight. But each day I get up, get ready for work, do my job, move myself along to the next day. I know you have to create a new "normal". Isn't 11 weeks a long time to be feeling like this?

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No, not at all, I still have many bad days. It is five months for me and it still rips my heart out. Everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way. There is no time limit here. Remember what everyone here expresses, it will get better. How long it will take we do not know. I still take one day at a time and do not worry about tomorrow. I try to accomplish things at whatever pace I can. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself, you need and deserve it. Grieving takes so much out of us. We have to make sure we take time for us. I hope you find some comfort. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shalady

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Thank you, Shalady. I have always had a hard time being good to myself. Mark and I were each others cheerleaders. When he was down, I worked to lift him up. And he would do the same for me. When he would tell me "I'm so glad you're here, I'm so glad you said yes" (when he proposed), I felt all warm inside. I had finally found someone who accepted me, and loved me unconditionally. And I did the same for him. Marriage is all about good and bad, accepting those things and not trying to change them. Getting married at a later age, we both had been through all the stupid stuff and came out the other side. We knew who we were, and that is what made our marriage so wonderful. He took good care of me. I was a completely independent woman before we married, but all that time I was biding my time until I could find someone who would share my life and I wouldn't feel so alone. Mark always felt lost; while he was biding his time and feeling alone, he had resigned himself that he would spend the rest of his life alone. I came along and he started to have hope. I was very good at loving him. And now I need to be good at loving me.

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My son always dreamed of Montana...I think he'd be very happy there, but alas his job and new home are in Oregon. He'd love the wildlife and the beauty!

Froggie, that one statement is the very thing all of us who have lost a spouse need to learn the most...George was very good at loving me, now it's up to me to love myself. When I retired, I became much better at self care, something my doctor wanted me to do. I recently was offered a part time job (minimum wage) and have decided to turn it down...after taxes, gas, loss of benefits, I wouldn't be money ahead, but I wouldn't have the time I do now for self care, and I find it important. It's also important to me to have time to spend here, and time to spend with my pets. I wouldn't be able to be at the Senior site any more, and I enjoy going there and getting to know the other seniors there. We have to do what's best for us, isn't anyone else that's going to do it!

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Is it a bad idea to actively look at or listen to things that I know will make me cry and hurt? I am reading many different books on grieving and loss of a spouse and I think I have gotten to the point of over saturation. It's hard that there are no set "rules" for grieving. I am a black and white person...grey areas give me problems. It is why I took a job in accounting; no grey areas. There are set procedures and anything that is different from the procedures can get you into trouble (with auditors). I think I am doing pretty well. There is part of me that wonders what is down the road, but I know I shouldn't place that kind of pressure on myself. The moments that catch me about the future, I don't like, for Mark will not be a part of it, at least in the same way as before. I feel cheated about that. When I get in my most emotional moments, all I can find myself saying is "I hate this" over and over again. I don't want to become one of those people that gets avoided because of my grieving. I read so many posts and see that there are people who have things worse than me, are suffering so much more and dealing with so many more things. Since I was the one who took care of the finances, I am not struggling with that (except for waiting for word about the insurance to pay off the car). I have a fellow widow (becoming a wonderful friend) at work who is dealing with the suicide of her spouse, and the problems being created for her by his family. But as all the books state, this is MY grieving, personal to me and I shouldn't try to lessen its importance. I have had people tell me that Mark wouldn't want me to be sad, but that is not true. mark knew how much I loved him and would know how I would hurt. He knew, because I always told him, that he was my star, my partner, my cowboy. We both appreciated each other and were thankful EVERY DAY that we were brought together. When the thought pops into my head that he is gone and my life will have to be different, I try to make it go away quickly, because some times it is like a white hot touch and I repel from it. I am still the same caring person I was before, and I do find moments where I can be funny and help someone to laugh, sometimes through the tears. I did truly love my life, but at this time that has changed. I love my job, my friends, my doggies, my family - that has not changed. I feel so sorry for the hurt that so many people on this forum are experiencing. But for now, it is hard to see beyond the pain I am feeling. I appreciate all the kind words I read, and hope one day to be able to add some words of wisdom along with all those who are here. I am still trying to gain my footing and put together the pieces of my life. I haven't quite found the method that works just yet...scotch tape and glue won't fix this. But I am thankful to have a place to write my feelings down. My journal at this time is mostly just automatic writings, things that come into my head, but I am continuing to do it. Learning to give myself time and love are challenging, but I have never run away from a challenge in my life and I won't start now.

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You've asked "Is it a bad idea to actively look at or listen to things that I know will make me cry and hurt?" and as I read the rest of your post, I think you've already answered your own question, my dear. Only you can know what brings you comfort.

Sometimes we need to look at or listen to things that will help us get in touch with our pain, precisely because doing so can be an effective way of releasing that pain. See In Grief: Coping with STUGs (Sudden Temporary Upsurges of Grief)

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Thank you, Marty. When writing, sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. I guess I need to allow myself, to give myself permission that it is OK to do what I need when I need it and not wait for other's permission. I have always had issues with acceptance, placing so much importance on pleasing others. It becomes ingrained in you the older you get (at least in my case). I guess it is even a stronger desire now due to the instability I feel. I worked hard my adult life to find that inner security and confidence. If I hadn't had it, I would have NEVER been able to move from my home in PA to Houston without even a job. I made my life here, and had the self-confidence to allow someone into my life to love me. And when I did, my self-esteem grew by leaps and bounds because Mark believed in me as much, or maybe more than I did. Now that he has gone, it is almost like starting over.

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If you are concerned that you are giving place to sadness too much, perhaps you could try setting aside a set time for grieving in which to think about things, cry, etc...when that time is up, get up and occupy yourself with something else. Maybe try 1/2 hour a day, it may change with time. I've heard of this method before, it's worth consideration.

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I understand, dear one. I know it seems impossible to believe right now, because the world as you knew it turned completely upside down when your beloved Mark died ~ but you still are that same person, with that same self-confidence, along with all the other strengths and qualities that have gotten you where you are today. When we're in the throes of grief, feeling the instability, confusion, uncertainty, shock, numbness and all the rest that comes with it, we find it difficult if not impossible to remember who we used to be, much less who we are now or who we will become in the future. But trust me, at your very core, you are still YOU, and you can do this. And no one here expects you to do it all alone.

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Froggie, you are right not to put pressure on yourself. As Marty said, your world has been turned upside down. We share the same feelings. I just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers as you are on this journey. I hear you when you speak about whether Mark would want you to be sad. I don't think our spouses would want us to be sad but maybe they understand we are. My Bob would not ever want me to suffer. I am so glad this is me and not him, I would not want him to be lost like this. With all the love then comes the pain and tears. I just hang on to the love we shared and still go one day at a time and don't focus on the future yet.

Marty, once again thank you for your words of wisdom. You have such a way of guiding our thoughts down the right path. I too will read STUG later.

Shalady

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I understand a big part of the grief journey is talking...talking about Mark, talking about my feelings, talking in general. Sometimes there are such strong emotions that come from those conversations, times when my voice breaks and I fight to break down. Is this all because the hurt is still so fresh? Is it because I haven't let out my emotions enough? When someone asks to hug me and when I do, I feel the emotions rushing to the surface. I understand that whatever I experience is normal, but is this a part of it?

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Try not to worry about whether you're doing your grief "right", your responses and experiences are normal. We all handle it differently, but many the same way as you are. Of course the grief is fresh and raw. You are going to feel hyper sensitive right now. Be very patient and understanding with yourself.

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Today is 12 weeks Mark is gone. I spent the morning burning cds for Mark's siblings with songs I gave to Mark when I realized how much I loved him...songs that spoke to me of how he made me feel and how I hoped I made him feel. Mark was the first person to tell me that I sang beautifully. I did not have the most wonderful childhood, and did not grow up in a family that made me feel loved. Mark grew up in a household FULL of love and I am witness to it every time I am around his siblings. Mark was a wonderful man, although he had his demons and fought them to his dying day. But I saw beyond all of them. Mark had so much love inside him (just like I did) and wanted so much to share it with someone. He brought love and comfort to my life; and he had an unending supply of both. He always made me feel better when I was scared or hurt or feeling unappreciated. As much as I loved him, I guess I did take things for granted' I thought I would have many, many days to help him feel loved and to have that feeling returned. I remember the day he proposed to me. He had been so ill with the flu, and I wasn't sure in the morning if he would remember what he had done, so I asked him if he did. Of course he did, and he then did it again, this time getting down on his knee and asked me again. Every time I would get a little irritated with something he did, he would grin and say, "Remember, you said YES. Twice" and then I would laugh. I remember the tears in his eyes when he saw me for the first time on our wedding day. I remember him squeezing my hand when my voice began to shake during our vows. How he loved the word "husband". He was so very content being married. The song we danced to at our wedding was "Walk Through This World with Me". He picked it because he was so very happy he had found someone and he wanted the world to know. I was so very lucky. We found that true, true love that so few will ever know. We would always talk about being married, and how we were lucky to know who we were and that alone would make our marriage strong. We never tried to change each other, we were honest with each other and we accepted each other. We didn't find those little insecurities in each other and pick at them when we were unhappy with ourselves. We were real at all times. We held each other up in the times we felt weak. We reveled in the times each of us succeeded and we celebrated being in love. I still felt like a newlywed, and that was because of Mark. I believe I was born to love him. And I see now the road I had to take to get there. There was a driving force, circumstances that brought it all about. And now it hurts so badly that now it is over, at least part of it. I know I will always have his love. But it hurts so much that I will never feel his hand in mine again, see his playful glance across the table. Right now it feels like so much was stripped from my life and it still takes my breath away. I sometimes want to scream to all those people who take for granted that they will have another day...I can testify that I was one of those. I thought we had all the time in the world. In a second, everything changes and it won't ever be the same. I miss my cowboy.

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I love the story "Remember you said YES, twice!" Memories like this are so special and are part of what our relationship is made of. As you share about your husband, your marriage, it comes out, how special a relationship you shared. It was like that with us too. We continue to love and hold the memories in our hearts, to pull from, whenever we're needing a "dose". :wub:

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