Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

How Long In The Fog?


Recommended Posts

Why is it that I seem most overcome when I am sharing my feelings and thoughts with others? I have my own moments when something hits me, or brings about a memory. I emptied out the dresser that held Mark's clothes. They are now in various piles. The items to donate are easy; he would want to share with people who could use or need. It is the items that are not suitable for donation; I cannot toss his old work socks in the trash. When someone asks how I am doing, I am honest. Sometimes when I begin to expand on it, I feel my lower lip tremble and try to keep my composure. Why is it the sharing that causes that?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think as we share our feelings, and talk or write about them, we become more in touch with our inner selves, and with the feelings in our hearts. As we focus on how we feel, the emotional energy rises from where it has been stored. As we allow ourselves to open and feel a bit more, while we are talking or writing about it, we feel more and we begin to cry or have another response.

I also think that is why journaling, sharing here around our healing fire, and seeing a grief counselor or support group (or both) can be so very helpful: we are then in situations where it is acceptable, safe, and encouraged to be in touch with our feelings. When I journal, I don't need to worry about what others think about my tears or laughter. Yesterday, I was feeling very sad, so I opened a box of books, and found one of my favorite photos of Doug in the box -- Doug in his elf hat, outside trimming a bid ponderosa pine with oversized Christmas decorations, which we found at some store. He was having a lot of fun, and I took a photo of the day, with him there, smiling at me, almost laughing. I forget sometimes what a wonderful and delicious spark we shared. Seeing the photo reminded me not only of very happy times, but also how much I miss Doug's physical presence in so many ways. I smile and long for him at the same time. And it makes the emotions well up and warm my heart and fill the emptiness. And so the tears flow at the longing and sense of loss, and also with gratitude for our life and love.

I think that is what happens to us when we can be open enough to let feelings -- and it could be grief, joy, anger, or delight -- flow through us and be released. And I think writing and talking are two of the best, most effective, ways to release our feelings.

That is why this forum is so precious. Here, we can feel, share with others, allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable, and know that we are safe. As we feel safe, supported, understood, and accepted, we are able to open more, and in doing so over time, we begin to feel a transformation as the pain becomes softer as our days begin to balance with more peace and contentment, and less pain and grief.

Take your time sorting and clearing. Do those things as you feel comfortable doing them. If you find you are having strong emotional aftershocks, perhaps it would be good to wait a couple of days, then go back and do a little more. Many of us find that we need more time to clear things, and that when we do, we need to take it in very small doses. I have not cleared out all of Doug's closet and it has been three years. I am not pushing myself at all. When I feel inspired, I take out a couple of things. Let your heart set your pace.

Stay in touch with your beautiful feelings. They will help to guide and direct you through this grief journey.

*<twinkles>*

fae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

fae, so aptly put, nothing more I can add!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tomorrow I am going to see a grief counselor for the first time. I am not sure what to expect, but I scheduled it at the end of my work day. I did not think it wise to try and return to work afterwards. The director of the place I work for took it upon himself to check into it on my behalf. Because of the suddenness of Mark's dying, he was and is concerned for my well-being. I just had time off last week, but so many times I wish I could stay longer in my "cocoon" at home. I'm trying not to stress out about insurance things; I am waiting to hear about a payoff for our car; been waiting since I started it the end of December. Even Honda Finance called because they had not heard anything more about it. I am also having to begin a fight for life insurance policy. I took out a policy for Mark in September; but I did not submit the eligibility paperwork (I also never got a reminder about it). They were taking my payments out of my paycheck (which they gave back to me). I spoke to an attorney who said I should file under errors and omission. I was so proud of myself because I had done that and had a policy for Mark...then to be told 4 days after he died that there was no insurance due to clerical errors. So now I am going to try and see if it will happen. I am slowly getting the medical bills taken care of. Every day I don't get bad news in the mail, I feel better. Yesterday was a meltdown day; I was exhausted by the time I left work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's good to know that you've decided to see a grief counselor, my dear, as I think you'll be very glad you did. Since you're not sure what to expect, you may find this article to be of help ~ Scroll down to the section entitled Finding Professional Help, which describes what effective grief counseling entails ~ and be sure to check out some of the Related Articles you'll find listed at the base: Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Perhaps a lawsuit...a jury might be more inclined to find in your favor, particularly since they took your $ and didn't remind you they still needed something. I looked into getting life insurance on George just a couple weeks before he died but they changed the premium greatly from what they'd quoted me due to his Diabetes, which they knew about when they quoted me, so I didn't get it...I had no idea he would die! it was something I put off because it made me mad they didn't honor their previous quote. How I wish I'd acted on it later on!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had my first session with my grief counselor. I woke up at 2:30 this morning not remembering what she told me to give myself permission to do besides breathe. I guess I am having a hard time allowing myself to feel what I have gone through is a big deal. And that 3 months is not a long time when it comes to what I have been through. I hear the word trauma, but don't feel that is what I have experienced. I see stories of such tragedies in the world and to me that is what I define as a trauma. I don't want to think I feel sorry for myself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maryann, I am glad to went a grief counselor. I have not, but will continue to try to find one. I have heard it is a very good thing. You have been through so much, the hardest thing you will ever have to face, at least it seems that way to me. I think sometimes we think of ourselves as being so strong. I have come to know it is okay if I am not strong right now. I am a strong person but this takes more strength than I have to give right now. I don't know if we feel sorry for ourselves or confuse it with our grief. I feel as though I have been cut in half and that half is gone forever. As if I have to grow that back some how. It seems too much to accept. I will be coming up on six months soon. I now feel kind of numb again and very weepy, more than ever. Bob would not want me to give up so I keep going for him. I miss him down to my core. He was my whole world for 40 years. We would have been married 39 years two days ago. I have no advice to offer you, just can let you know I feel your hurt, I hear your pain and I embrace you. Let yourself cry, let yourself grieve. Do only what you can. Be good to yourself. I hope the grief counselor is able to help you. I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am here for you along with everyone here. Peace and comfort to you.

Shalady

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Or sometimes we are stronger than we FEEL. It's okay to let others do for us, to cry, to feel depleted...all of that is natural under the circumstances.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all for your continued support. I have always been of the mindset of working towards a goal. Working in the accounting world, most things are black and white. There are rules and procedures to follow and there are outcomes and consequences. The vastness of what is normal in regards to grief is a HUGE grey area, something that is hard for me to deal with. If you cannot judge where you ARE, how do you know when you are improving, or completing? I am still understanding that 3 months out is NOT a long time in the scheme of things regarding grief.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And being black and white, like my son (an engineer), you feel more comfortable if you can control something...this you can't control. It's hard!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just had a terrible scare. I couldn't find my little Max. I went out in the yard to call him in and I couldn't find him. I became hysterical, as close to a panic attack as I have ever been. He was hiding in the garage. I became a basket case. Now I am completely exhausted. It was like losing a piece of Mark again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh yeah, I completely understand! It's why I can't sleep tonight...my Arlie is limping again. We do worry about them!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today feels like one of those days I just want to curl up in a ball. I came into work because I know there are things that need to be done and I don't want to be one of those employees who just drops the ball. I can feel my emotions just under the surface. I just want to put my head down on my desk. Once again I am in that place where I can't believe Mark is gone and facing life without him seems like a struggle. I miss telling him about my day when work is over, I miss discussing what to have for dinner, I miss his presence in my life. I'm so afraid that people are going to get tired of hearing that and me sounding like a broken record. I know it is not realistic to hide away from the world, but that is how I feel today.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Maryann,

It is normal, healthy, and very usual for us to want to curl up in a ball some days.

As you feel your emotions just under the surface, I hope you have time to make a few notes about your feelings and thoughts. Later, when you get home and have some time that can be devoted to "just being" for the day, it might be nice to read those notes, think about them, let yourself feel while you are in the peace and safety of your home, and then spend a while writing in your journal.

When do you see your grief counselor again? I ask because I think it will help you to sort, hold, acknowledge, and then release some of your pain. You have been through what could be called a devastating emotional trauma, and although no one has hit you or injured your body, your heart has been broken with the loss of Mark. That is a huge trauma. Trauma is not just about physical injury. Some of the hardest trauma to heal is psychic, emotional, or psychological trauma. I think losing our Beloved is traumatic. How could it not be? Our very lives, to their most primary foundations, have been altered, and I don't think anyone can be prepared for that emotional amputation.

For the first many, many months after Doug left, I walked around in a fog, some days hoping that G*d would find a way to take me, too. It hurt more than I could have ever imagined. Losing our Beloved is terribly painful. I know you are feeling that pain, and for you, it is fresh and sharp. We are forever changed by this loss. Our lives, how we see the world, and how we see ourselves is forever changed. Eventually, after we have healed enough, we find that we can live with the change, and that perhaps we can even begin to shape the changes to make a new life for ourselves. You will know when it is time, and it will take a while.

I am so glad you are able to write about your pain and sense of loss. I hope you can be as compassionate with yourself, as loving and tender with yourself, and as gently patient with yourself, as you would be with the one you most love. And for now, that someone is You, dear heart. You have healing to do, and no, you do not sound like a broken record. You sound like a normal healthy person expressing her grief and pain in healthy ways. We are here to acknowledge and validate your pain, because we have all walked where you are walking now. This grief path is not easy, but it is healing.

Keep coming here and writing. Be compassionate with your grieving heart and your sense of longing. Facing life without our Beloved is a struggle, and that is another reason we are gathered here: to help each other as we struggle to make sense of it all, to find a new way of being, and to find our way to make it in this new life.

I am glad you are honoring how you feel today, and that you are sharing here. It takes a while—and that varies for each of us—but the pain does get softer, and the way gets easier, and we begin to be able to feel life again. Right now, you are just holding on, and that is where you need to be.

I am sending {{{HUGS}}} and healing thoughts to you this morning, as the birds sing outside and the sun promises that Spring is only weeks away. This is a long note, but I hear you and I can feel the depths of your pain and loss, because I have been there. Be gentle and patient with yourself. You are a precious Spirit, and right now, you need all the loving compassion you can give to yourself.

My prayers and healing thoughts are with you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We won't tire of hearing anything that is on your heart...we feel the same way. I'm sorry you're having to struggle through work when you probably want to just stay home and bury your head under the covers. We've all had days like that. I hope you get done what you must and then can come home and take care of yourself. Be very patient and understanding of yourself, try not to worry about other people's expectations of how you deal with your grief, this is about you and how you are feeling, what you are experiencing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today will be my second session with the grief counselor. It kind of adds stress to my day scheduling it. I don't drive, so I have to make arrangements to go home at lunch to let my dogs out, because my appointment is after work at 4 pm and I don't want them to have to wait. I have to arrange a ride to the session and then be picked up. I know people do not mind doing it for me, but I don't want to become a burden. I have a car sitting in my driveway, but cannot drive it as of now. It is my intention to learn how to drive, and then get myself and the car insured. Mark would always bring me to work on his way, and then pick me up coming back. I worked a longer day, because he would go home at lunch and take care of the dogs. I was comfortable with my life the way it was. I prefer staying in my house. If I get offers to get out, I will normally take them; mostly for the company. I'm afraid maybe I watch too much tv in the evening. I have committed myself to attend a craft show at my place of work. I haven't worked in my studio in a long time; before Mark died, I was always so busy with the three dogs, my concentration was absent and there was always so much housework to do. I have all my pieces stored away from the last time Mark and I attended a craft show. The event on Sunday is being held in the auditorium; the same auditorium in which we got married in 2009. The night of Mark's birthday (Dec. 2), we were there setting up decorations for the staff luncheon. Mark always would lend a hand and the next day (the day before he died) he was beaming because he was SO PROUD of me and how successful the event was. Even that evening at dinner with his mom, he was still talking about it and was so proud of me. His mom told me he came to her that night, put his arms around her and told her he loved her. Mark was not real demonstrative with his family in that respect. She told me that after he died. So many times when he would pick me up from work, if the auditorium was open, he would walk in there. I would follow and he would say. "I can't believe this is where we got married. You made it look so beautiful." And then he would kiss me. He was my biggest cheerleader, would always be so enthusiastic about each new piece I'd create. And I did the same each time he created an item...be it a pen, or a keepsake box. He handiwork is everywhere in the house, and at my desk. I miss his presence in my life almost every minute of the day. I never thought my life could feel so empty. My dogs are wonderful company, but it is not the same as having my husband. I waited so long to have him; it just doesn't seem fair. I know I didn't do anything wrong; I know he didn't do anything wrong. I know it happened, though I don't really think about why. I know I won't get an answer, so why aggravate myself by asking. I am taking tomorrow off, so I can get things prepared and get my head in a good place.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know how hard this is. My Bob passed away six months ago today. I still cant believe it. I hope your grief counselor can help you sort your feelings. I am glad you have the dogs to keep you company. I know my Zach fills much of my time and gives me a lot of love. I still take one day at a time. I don't think ahead. It is good you have lots of family and are close. I know it isn't fair. We miss them so much and always will. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shalady

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your post sounds like it could have been written by me...ten years ago. George was my biggest fan, he used to love watching me make cards (he said I made "happy sounds" when I did it. I asked what he meant and he said, "Oh you know, like humming and whistling and stuff.") It also took years for us to find each other...we knew each other 6 1/2 years, were only married 3 years 8 months. I felt gypped, we should have had years left together! We had such love for each other, he'd have done anything in the world for me....just like you and Mark. I also learned it did no good to ask why, I didn't get answers anyway, I don't try to find meaning in why he died, it just happened and I'm left to deal with it.

When you start to learn to drive, imagine Mark sitting right next to you, cheering you on He'd be so proud of you! I believe they are cheering us on. I long more than anything in the world to have my George back, but I still have to deal with life alone. Right now I have something bid I'm going to have to deal with and I don't want to. I feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I wish George was here to talk it over with, but he isn't. I just feel so tired. But somehow, we get by, we do what we need to do.

And today I am sick, I had to cancel plans to see my sisters and daughter today (our first time in five months). I canceled plans to attend a CCF luncheon tomorrow for which I was to make a salad, and the guest speaker is the daughter of an old friend, she grew up in my old church. I won't get to be there to do the morning worship Sunday, or choir practice. I'm hoping I'll be well by Monday to do the treasury at church as I will need to pay some bills.

Somehow we're getting by.

I hope your session goes well and you are able to get home and let your dogs out when you need to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kayc,

I am so sorry you are ill and are now disappointed about the change in your plans. I have never really liked change, unless I was the one who was instigating it. Right now your body is telling you it needs care. Plenty of fluids, and rest. I'm still getting the grasp of counseling. Since no one can tell you how long grief will last, and it isn't like you can set up a timeline to "finish the project". I am dealing with the understanding that I suffered a trauma, and my therapist says I am really too hard on myself. I am supposed to focus on breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. Sounds elementary, doesn't it? Something so simple, but in a fog, it is really all I can focus on right now.

I went outside because I heard my Hannah barking a really scary bark. I looked over the neighbors fence and saw a possum. I quickly called all three into the house, and went to go back inside when I saw something moving on the small junk tree that had grown. It was a baby possum, struggling to hold on to the small branch. He was making a sound and shivering. I grabbed a pole that was close by, and gently put it near the baby until it clung on, then cautiously pointed the pole towards the ground, where I figured the mama was waiting (I couldn't see through the fence). I hope they are all reunited, but I will need to keep a closer eye on my dogs now. I came inside and wished that Mark was here to share in this experience. I really hate this, so very much.

Take care, Kay. Feel better

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How sweet of you to rescue a baby possum! I dislike possums, not sure why but they look like overgrown rats and they used to be mean to a cat I adopted. I prefer it if they stay in their territory and don't venture onto mine. :) But all baby animals are cute, no matter what they are.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am practicing my breathing. Today I attended the Spring Fling event at my place of work. I committed before Mark died; so I followed through. I hated it. I didn't want to talk about my artwork. I always did the shows with Mark; he helped with the setup, and gave me suggestions. He loved my art. Today I just sat there. It wasn't an artsy crowd. It was a long day. I came home feeling exhausted;as the day went on, I got cranky and then I started crying and feeling all alone. I took a small picture of Mark with me. It was uncomfortable being in a large room with so many people. It is hard feeling the things I am feeling. So many things at one time;not sure what should get my attention first.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...