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How Long In The Fog?


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It is very hard being in a crowd of people when you feel alone in your grief. It takes more out of us than we can muster.

You mention art work...what do you do (art wise)? I make cards, that's my creativity, I've been doing it for 29 years, now that the kids are grown and gone, my "family room" is now my craft room. I wish it wasn't so visible as that's where people enter the house, but I don't want to be in a back room that's cold and has bad lighting. Besides, no one ever comes here so I might as well enjoy my house as I want to. I do stamping, die cutting, and use every medium I can think of...even dryer lint. :) It's fun to be creative. George wouldn't want me to stop, he loved my cards. He used to sit and watch me. He said I looked my happiest. I was my happiest being with him.

I hope you can get some time off work...doing extra things on the weekend can be exhausting and you have all you can do to just get through the day as it is. YOU should get your attention first. I hope you sleep well tonight!

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Dear Kay,

Long ago I caught a craft show about using paint chips that you get in a hardware store. Well, I created a simple piece with squares of various colors. Well I kept getting inspired to make more intricate designs, then I added monograms. I would practice on a design, make as a gift for someone to work out the design. I would use pieces of wallpaper to create the color palate. I loved doing it. I would be in my studio frequently. And like your George, Mark would come in and watch me working, look over my shoulder at a new piece. He would just be so into it with me. He would talk to people at the craft shows we would go to about how hard I worked on each piece (though it never felt like work). The last show we did was a disaster. It was outside and it was windy and many of my pieces got damaged - my work is framed. Once we got the dogs, and getting them adjusted to living with us took so much time, I wasn't able to go and sit in the studio and try and get creative. Now with Mark gone, I just don't have the desire to be creative. I understand your being happy in your creating; I was too. And being creative and being with Mark REALLY made me happy.

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After George died, a couple of ladies at my church asked if they could come up one night a week and have me teach them how to do stamp art. They came for a year. It was later that I realized it was for me, not them. It's very easy to lose interest in something you loved doing, when going through grief. Another fellow stamp artist friend of mine, when her husband passed away, she never did it again, sold all her supplies. It's kind of sad. Teaching those ladies kept me at it, although I go in spurts with it.

Do you have a picture you could show of a sample of your work?

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I am attaching a picture of my artwork. I haven't worked in my studio for a long time. Having three dogs made it difficult to give time to concentrating on a piece. Mark used to love watching me in the studio, and he would sometimes stand by my shoulder and tell me "I can see it already". Even though he was a mechanic, he had the soul of an artist. He loved to tinkle away on a piano keyboard, find beauty in a piece of wood, and would watch "chick flicks" with me. He was good at being a guy, but he was so soft inside. I feel like there is a big hole in my soul, and most of the time I feel shaky, though I move along on autopilot. I read a book lately where the author told how her and her husband were described, PhyllisandBob. Well, that was us; MarkandMaryann. post-17192-0-34089900-1426596685_thumb.jpost-17192-0-84530800-1426596694_thumb.jpost-17192-0-66564800-1426596706_thumb.j

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Ooh, I love the one on the left with the focal point. Do you make your own mats? I have a mat cutter but haven't used it in a long time because of my carpal tunnel, George used to do it for me. I keep it in case I have one I really need to do, but most of the time it's shelved.

My husband was also soft inside. He was a romantic, and loved music, had a wide array of eclectic taste in it! He didn't have artistic ability although he had a deep appreciation for it and was a master welding fabricator, the best! He looked like a big tough guy, and could be if he needed to be, but inside he was so soft...

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I love it. They are beautiful. What a great idea. I hope you will be able to return to your passion some day. I know how difficult it is to do things now. I find I still can't read. I can't seem to concentrate that long. It is not what Bob would want and I am sure my mind will get better over time. Right now we still can just take one day at a time and remember and be grateful for what we have shared with the one person who became our whole life. I can smile through my tears. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shalady

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Shalady,

I have had that problem too. I can't tell you how many books I have started and not finished in the years since George died. It's too bad, it'd be a great activity now that I'm retired and living alone. All of my life "before" I was an avid reader, usually had a couple of books going at a time, and would average reading at LEAST one or two a week! This is the first year I remember finishing a book, albeit a short simple one. I still struggle with it...I lose interest and it has nothing to do with how well written the book is or how interesting the content...it's my focus. I find I do better with shorter things...Guideposts, Reader's Digest, the newspaper, etc. I have a book with a collection of dog stories I'm making my way through. I can read a chapter and put it down for a month and it doesn't hurt anything because each chapter is a different story. I hope someday I can get back to being an avid reader but after ten years...I don't know that it will happen.

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Thank you both. I mentioned that to my counselor; the lack of focus and being able to concentrate for too long. I told her I would read something and not be able to remember it at all. She said a good trick is to read it out loud. It helps you connect in two different ways. I am doing okay at work because I basically do the same thing over and over again; some things the same everyday, some things every month. They aren't difficult tasks, and I have done them for so long now, they are ingrained in me, so it isn't real difficult. But if someone comes in and wants something more than that; perhaps a billing issue, or need help pulling numbers or need something corrected, then it gets more difficult. So many days my emotions are strong before I even walk out the door, and it doesn't take much during the day to bring them full swing. Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable being so emotional. I will get up and go to the restroom, or walk down the hall. I haven't asked for any special treatment at work, but am really wanting to take more time off; cut back on the days I work using sick days. I am nervous about approaching my boss and HR regarding it. I LOVE my job, but weekends don't seem to be long enough time away. Some morning after I don't sleep well I just want to stay in bed for as long as possible. Having to deal with three dogs, it takes a lot of my time and before I know it I need to get myself out the door, when I would rather stay there and just sit. I am VERY hard on myself and am still trying to convince myself that what I have gone through is a REAL BIG deal. There is a part of me that is like a drill sergent...get up, get moving...get over it....MOVE MOVE MOVE.

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I don't know if any of you can do this, but here's a suggestion for something that really, really helped me a lot the first couple of years:

Get funny, decent, happy movies, G or PG, so as not to stress your psyche. While you watch them, do some light floor work like lifting your legs, doing soft crunches. Then, stand up and lift light free weights. If you don't have weights, use small cans of food. I have used cans of diced Italian tomatoes on occasion. :) When I would get tired, I'd sit down and sip water or tea, and then, later in the movie, I'd do a little more exercise. It made me feel a LOT better, and I did not need to leave home or even go outside to move, get some laughter going, and hydrate myself all at once. I also carried a sketch book with me and would sometimes stop and draw something simple, like a leaf or a bare tree. After your movie is over, stretch, and hug yourself may times for being such a good caregiver to your precious self. :)

Doug was a total softie inside as well. Tough guy, but completely gentle and kind. Shy, actually. I think that makes our loves even more special -- that we loved men who were tender and loving, soft and vulnerable. It gave each of us a chance to really feel open and safe with them. That is a great gift.

Oh, another good thing about watching some soft and funny movies, is that many of them have cathartic moments when I would simply sit and cry, wail, sob, tears falling all around, and just let myself move into the pain and acknowledge how hurt I felt.

It is very hard to concentrate. The easiest way I have found to distract myself and to lose myself in the story is with movies, where I can still move around and do not need to retain much at all.

I hope this helps a little.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I do like to watch soft and funny movies. The first year I couldn't watch t.v. or dvds at all. It was something we'd done together. But I do now.

I loved my job and was able to concentrate on it after George died, but the first month I caught myself making mistakes...something I'd never done, it's like my brain wasn't working right. I guess it was jolted.

I hope HR understands and lets you have more time...this is no easy thing to go through.

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I had a breakdown this morning. I can't find a place where I am comfortable, that feels right. At home I am irritated and at work I don't feel good either. I am very good at my job, but if anything besides just my job duties comes up, I feel irritated. I know I am relied on, and I like that. But I jumped right back into things after Mark died, and haven't really stopped since. I don't feel any joy in anything right now. I just don't feel like I have any control over anything. This scares me.

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I feel like this sometimes too. I had it happen last week. I was just angry at everything. My anger was not directed at Bob, as I heard so many say. They say they are angry at their loved one for leaving. I know I am not angry at Bob, it was not his fault. It is just anger. I guess it must be part of the grieving. For me it lasts a couple of days and then goes away. I have had it several times in the last two months. I also felt just like you, no joy in anything and no control over things. Wow, you are so validating my exact feelings. I thought for me it was because I am stuck at home, unable to work my part time job. I have three bulging discs and a tear in my hip joint. I don't know how it is for you, but I hope like me the feeling just passes, kind of like it just has to run its course. I would say it might return. It is very frustrating. We just have so much time on our hands. The time we would spend with our loved ones. Nothing can fill that void. Nothing takes away that pain. I keep a nice picture of Bob on my dresser. He has a big smile on his face. I smile when I see it and at the same time I feel a knife in my heart. I am so sorry. Maybe you could take a couple of days off from work. I am sure they would understand. Maybe you could visit a quiet park or go somewhere you and Mark went together. I don't know if it would help. Bob loved to go to Cracker Barrel. We have two of their rockers on our porch in New York. One day I went there and had lunch, just like we used to. Then I went outside and sat on a rocker. I sat there for a while, just thinking. I even would rock the chair next to me with my hand. It made me cry a lot but it also warmed my heart. Sounds so crazy but whatever works. I hope you can work through this especially difficult period. I hope you don't feel so scared. Your feelings are so normal to me. I try to remember Bob is always with me. I really believe that. Yesterday I saw a beautiful red cardinal. I took that as a sign to remind me of his presence. I hope you feel better soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shalady

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Kay, it is good to know I am not alone in the lack of concentration. I have found reading aloud helps, I do that with paperwork I need to do. I don't know if I could read a book that way. I used to love to read too, miss it now. The short story idea sounds good. I love dog stories too. I have many James Herriot books. He is an English vet and writer. I also hope I will get back to it one day. You used the word focus, that describes it perfectly. Lack of focus. I hope Arlie is doing well now. I am taking Zach to have his nails clipped and get weighed today. He will love the ride in the car. With my back injured, driving is very hard for me so he is missing his car rides.

Shalady

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I have all of the James Herriot books, they're favorites!

It's common to not feel that comfort zone or joy when you've had such a traumatic loss. At work I was busy, which was a distraction, but it was hard to do my job right after he died, my brain wasn't at its best. At home I was so aware of his absence and I felt frantic and unable to sleep. I tried distracting myself from my grief as it felt unbearable, but that didn't work because I still had to face it head on, it doesn't go away, it waits to be dealt with. It hasn't been until I was able to grieve properly that I have found any comfort in my home.

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This just seems to be a recent thing for me. I am not sure if the trigger was attending the craft show on Sunday. But each day since then I have had a hard time. I spoke with my HR person, and she is going to see about getting approval at least for the next 3 Wednesdays to use sick days, and have that be the day I go to my counselor. My counselor has suggested maybe taking an anti-anxiety or anti-depression medication, but I am nervous about that. I seem to be one of those people who is REALLY hard on myself, not giving myself a break. I am sure that is not helping my grief process. The last few days I haven't felt like doing ANYTHING except watch tv.

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I feel somewhat better today. I had a friend stop over yesterday when I got home from work. I still find myself trying to stifle my emotions when around people. Yesterday morning I reached a breaking point where I couldn't any longer. I feel more relaxed knowing I have a few days off coming up. I need my job for obvious reasons, but also it gives me something to focus on. Sometimes it is hard being around so many people, but I can always go somewhere to escape it if it is too much. I also need to try and not allow people to put pressure on me to be "OK". I know I am going to be okay; right now I don't FEEL okay. My emotions change so quickly. Why is it that when someone comes to give me comfort, or I even THINK about something comforting that is said, or read something that touches on dealing with grief and emotions are expressed I feel my own emotions surface? Sometimes all it takes is a hug from someone, and my eyes fill with tears and I begin to try and choke back the emotions?

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Oh, yes, I know that feeling, of having even a tender, caring look from someone and how it can cause a grief release. I think it is because we are just barely coping early on, for at least the first couple of years or so, for me. I think partly it was relief that someone cared enough to reach out, and then, there was the relief that they seem to give a message that is it okay to feel what we feel, and to express it, even if our culture trains us to hide, smother, dampen, or ignore our grief.

Good for you for noticing what is going on. It is a true emotional roller coaster, isn't it? And I think one of the most important things we can do is to honor our emotions as they surface, and acknowledge them, even if we feel that we need to do it privately. But it helps so very much to have someone who is emotionally supportive open their hearts, and to give us permission to feel what we are feeling, and to express it. We need that comforting feedback about where we are as well, I think.

Dear heart, you are "OK" no matter what. Grief is normal, healthy and a part of being human, and you are doing it very well, I think. Keep honoring your need to vent, your need to express how you feel, and your need to let the emotions surface when you feel it is a safe and good time to do so. Coming here really helps, because here, you can share your feelings, and we not only understand, but we support you on your journey. Just remember that it is a roller coaster, and feelings will shift faster than a speeding car on the outside curve of the ride. I think our job is to honor the journey and our emotional shifts along the way. It helps that you have so much self-awareness.

Keep honoring your heart,

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I hope you will give yourself permission to not feel okay, because it's normal! Try to be kind and nurturing to yourself, just as your husband would have been...just as you would be to him. I'm glad you'll see a counselor. Maybe you could give the medicine a try for six weeks and see how it goes? It takes up to a month to take full effect, so you kind of have to give it more than that to know. Sometimes you can notice a difference within a week or two.

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Thank you both so much. It is hard because there are no set rules for grieving, but it is so helpful to have voices of reason and experience to help me know I am on the right track, that it's ok, no matter what I am feeling. Sometimes you have to just embrace that it just "IS". The one person I knew I would find comfort in is gone. We were so open with each other; we were honest in a supportive way. I think back to the time I lost my dad. I got a phone call very early in the morning; in fact I missed the first call. When I got the second call, we were both very awake and knew getting a call at that hour was not good news. I remember walking back to bed, and Mark putting his arms around me and he just kept saying "I'm so sorry". He wanted to go home with me to attend the service, but we weren't married and he couldn't get the time off, or really afford the flight. He paid for my ticket. I remember coming back and my plane got routed to a different Houston airport and I was just a mess. I called him and he said "Don't worry". When I got to the airport and I was walking to baggage claim, I called him and was so upset. He said, "Just look up", and I could see him standing there waiting for me to get there. At that time in my life, I never felt more loved than I did at that very moment. I miss him so very much.

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Even though it was a sad time, what a wonderful memory of a caring man! I love the "Just look up." and there he was, waiting for you. It is easy to see why you miss him so much, and why your love endures.

fae

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What a sweet man! I'm so glad you had him in your life. I see why you miss him so much.

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At my session yesterday, my counselor told me that the big boss where I work called her because he wanted an update on how I was doing. She reassured me that it was merely out of concern and that she would give him an answer that she felt would not invade my privacy or her ethics. I guess because I went to the HR person requesting some days off because I was having a hard time. I should feel good about him being so concerned but I am also feeling nervous because it is my job. She also pointed out to me a Freudian slip that occurred. We were talking about me not expecting Mark to die when I was on my way to the hospital that morning. I ended up saying "I didn't survive" instead of "he didn't survive". It was my first real awareness and understanding of experiencing a trauma. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around it.

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Wow, I've never heard of a boss calling a counselor for a report on an employee! That seems rather invasive. I hope your counselor assures him that you are right where you should be in your grief journey. I also hope your job is patient and understanding. Yes, unfortunately, jobs are needed. I lost mine a few months after George died (it went out of business) and I can't tell you how hard that time was, esp. not having George there to encourage me through it. It was at the beginning of the recession but before they recognized it as such and all they gave was six months unemployment...I had no savings to tide me over, I'd remortgaged my house to pay George's hospital, doctor, and ambulance bills.

It's right though, that we don't survive when they die...it's a new person, so to speak, as we are never the same again. We are still us, but not the same.

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Kay,

Where I work is a non-profit community center and we work in conjunction with other social service agencies to help; I have been here for 13 years. We are a very tight knit group. It was actually the person in charge of running the center that inquired with the counselor; it had been their suggestion for me to see this particular counselor and yes, she was going to give the message that I was doing exactly what I need to be doing. I think the inquiry was more to see if they are all doing enough to help me, and if there are any other ways that can be supportive. I think maybe the fact that I asked for some additional time off that might have created the worry, and the fact that I have had some really bad days this week. I know I have maintained my work level, and continue to show up each day. I believe I pushed myself the last couple weekends to try and be more like I used to be and pitch in and be a part of things; but I think it was too much too soon.

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It's one of those early morning wake ups. I tried to stay in bed so as not to wake the dogs and have my day start earlier than I really want it to. But my mind is now awake. Even at 15 weeks, I keep asking the question, how can this be happening. How can Mark be gone? My mother-in-law has been continuing to ask me if I have checked on the autopsy report. I'm not sure why she feels it necessary to have it. Did she think there was something that could have been done? I'm not sure if I am ready to have a medical report about Mark. Maybe it is part of her grieving process to know. All I know and understand is that he is no longer here. People keep telling me I should feel comfort in the fact that he is still with me in spirit. Right now, that is not enough for me. He had such a presence in my life; even when we were not in the same bed; I knew he was just down the hall; I would hear him snoring. I haven't had any dreams of him yet.

I have many people at work who I have a fondness for. And I like to find ways to let them know. I had Mark make a special pen for one of them. I see this person frequently because our departments work together a lot. I would see the pen in his pocket and know how much he appreciated it. Well, he sent out an email on Friday that he had misplaced this pen. I know it is really bothering him that is it misplaced. I know it was special to him. Especially now.

I know people are concerned for me. They are not sure how they can help me. I am still not in a place to know what it is I need. The only thing I truly want, no one can give me. Even after almost 4 months, I just want to have Mark back. My birthday is coming up, and I am dreading it. I really can't remember anything specific about past birthdays; what gift he gave me, or what we had for dinner. But this year I know one thing; Mark won't be here and so I don't really even want it to come. I always enjoyed and appreciated everyone else's efforts for my birthday; the lunches with co-workers; the birthday cards and well-wishes. But it was having Mark with me that was always the greatest gift. He was what I waited my whole life for and I felt blessed every birthday. He was always my birthday gift, my anniversary gift, my Valentine gift, my Christmas gift. He was all I ever wanted, and now he is gone. How does one handle this?

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