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How Long In The Fog?


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I know how hard this is and how it just makes your head and mind swirl around looking for answers. My Bob is gone just six months and some days it still doesn't feel real. I still find only those who have lost their spouse are the ones who truly understand. I even think some who have think I should move on faster. They evidently grieve differently than I or maybe they didn't share the same love I did with my husband. I totally understand how you don't need to have a medical report yet. Maybe someday you will. Maybe you never will want to. Your mother-in-law lost a son, you lost your husband. I think those are very different losses. I still can't look at Bob's death certificate closely. I don't want to see it. I have to get one out now and then when I need to provide it for some reason. It gives me a stomach ache. I guess I know he is gone but I don't want him to be gone. Yes I know he is with me but I want him with me.

I hope your coworker finds his pen. I understand how important that must have been to him. I'm glad you work with such good people. I'm sure that helps a lot. I returned to work briefly. I am having problems with my back and unable to work right now due to the pain. I could probably do a few hours but that is all I can stand being upright for now, then I have to lay down. I work with just a few people. When I am at work I am by myself. We just have one person on at a time. It is a ten hour day and you don't close for lunch or anything. We just go in the back and eat. I really enjoy my job, taking reservations over the phone and checking people in and out. I look forward to being able to return.

Bob's birthday and our wedding anniversary was in the beginning of the month. We would have been married 39 years. It was so hard. Bob loved his birthday. He was like a child when it came to gifts. He would love to guess what it was. Shaking it and squeezing it. He made it so much fun, (I enjoyed his birthday so much more than my own). He was always thrilled no matter what it was. I can still see that face light up and the big smile. He loved cards. He loved getting them but also loved giving them. There was always a funny one and a lovely meaningful one. The meaningful one always seemed to hit home. He also would write something in them. I found the ones from our last anniversary. He had written how he hoped we had many more years together and also thanked me for taking such good care of him all these years. What a treasure and a blessing I had in him and what a treasure I found those cards. I had to put them away for now, it is just too overwhelming. But is have them to cherish for years to come. My dear sweet man.

Bob was in the Navy for seven years. He was in the Korean war. He was on two different destroyers. We attended reunions every year. They have them in different cities, always with a ship you can tour. Bob was first stationed and home based in Norfolk Virginia. He loved the Navy and loved serving his country. At our home in New York a flag flies high atop a pole with a light shining on it at night. He always did what he could for veterans today. He belonged to several Veterans organizations. He was Commander of his chapter for a time. When he passed away his Chapter sent me a beautiful bible with a lovely inscription noting his service to his country. He would just love it. It is put away, another cherished keepsake I am unable to look at right now. Bob was cremated and I have his ashes in a beautiful wooden box urn. Bob was an avid hunter all his life so the urn has a scene of a deer in the woods, etched into the wood. He would love this too. It really is beautiful. It is in the bedroom next to a nice picture of him standing with Zach. I set aside some of his ashes. Some I will spread in the back field of our home. Some I am sending to Norfolk for Naval burial at sea. They will take them out with a ship that is being deployed. I received his American flag. They will raise his flag on the ship, Chaplin will conduct service and they will return the flag to me along with the date and coordinates of the service. He would be so very proud. I still have to mail this all to Norfolk. For some reason I have been unable to do it. I have everything in the box to mail it. I haven't sealed the box yet. I have to get some flowers to enclose. I want a rose from me and one from Zach. I keep moving the box from the couch to the chair. I am hoping I get this out this week. This is my goal.

We all grieve differently. I forgive those that don't see it, don't see my pain. I don't care if they don't understand. I don't have to explain it to anyone. I am broken hearted. No one can fix this. I have to have faith. I will not move on but I can move forward. I don't know what lies ahead. I just take one day at a time and don't think about the future. I am grateful I can come here and share my feelings when I am able to. I know I gain some validation to my feelings when I read other's posts. I hope you do as well. I wish I could make this all better for you but I can't. We have to remember what others have said. They have been through this and they are still here. We will be ok. You will be ok. Just not right now, not tomorrow. I keep you in my prayers. I wish you peace and comfort.

Shalady

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I don't know how, I cried myself to sleep the night of my first birthday without him...it didn't help that none of my friends/family remembered. George would always make a big deal of it, so it was a stark contrast afterwards. I try to make plans now, but you're right, it's not the same. I talk to him. I remember things he gave me over the years. I look at his picture.

I hope your friend finds his pen. :(

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Dear Shalady & Kay,

Thank you for all your kind words. I hope some day to be able to reciprocate, and to help those who find themselves in my shoes. I try not to let myself be self-absorbed. I know people mean well when they say things like, "Mark wouldn't want to see you so sad, he wouldn't want to see you hurting." Well, he was my husband, and he had seen me hurt. Just this time he isn't here in person. He was the one who brought me the most comfort, because I know how deeply he loved me. And I let him comfort me, because I deeply loved him. We understand the pain, and fear, and hurt of losing the one person who brought light to our lives. When I made my new start in Houston some 13 years ago, I got all the things in my life in order. I stood on my own two feet, found a job, made a life and then waited for the one thing that would make it complete. Someone to love me, and that I could love in return unconditionally. I never had to convince Mark to accept my love; I was patient and let him see it for himself. I knew I loved him the first night we met; actually I knew before we "actually" met. Mark and I met one afternoon in a Yahoo chatroom. We chatted about a month before we actually met in person, although we were merely minutes from each other. Since he was cautious when it came to matters of the heart, it was the best way to get to know each other. That first meeting just confirmed what I already knew. The day he proposed to me, my heart soared higher than anytime before. I knew what it felt to be complete, and I never have looked back. I see a similarity in all of us; we loved our husbands with everything we had. We have the kind of love some people never achieve. And when it is taken, there are NO WORDS to describe it. Mark was my everything, and I know I was his, too. And that was all we needed in the world.

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In less than three months it will be ten years for me, so I'm doing okay...as good as it gets anyway! But that first year truly was hard. A lot of people think when they make it through the first year, they will be okay the second year...not so much! The second year is different, but there are still a lot of adjustments the second and third years. And we all process it all at different paces. We have to realize it takes what it takes and that's why we can't accept people's judgment who think we should be over it by now or moved on. It doesn't work that way.

George wouldn't want me hurting either but being as he can't do anything about it, he would be the first to understand. That man was so understanding, it's no wonder I loved/love him so much!

Like you, our wedding day was the happiest day of our lives! The look on George's face, he was beaming! He had a "gotcha!" look...I think he'd been so afraid something would happen to stop that special day from coming about, he just looked truly relieved. They say it's normal to feel anxiety before your wedding day, not us! We were nothing but blissful!

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I have agreed to a luncheon with some of my staff friends on Monday for my birthday. I knew it would be coming. We always do a birthday luncheon for people in our department. I just hope it doesn't get overwhelming, but will deal with it if it does. Mark always tried to make my birthday so special. I know that everyone here at work is looking for ways to help, and I am very touched by it. I try not to look beyond today, except for things I know I have to take care of. I have the next three Wednesdays planned; day off work and seeing my grief counselor. Keeping my schedule consistent helps me a lot, too. I found out this morning I missed a payment on one of my credit cards; I had written down an amount in my datebook and I thought I had paid it; I guess I wrote it down to work it into my budget and did not actually go online and make the payment. I wondered why I was getting all these calls from a number I did not recognize. I went ahead and now paid it off, so I will have one less thing to keep track of. Once again it comes back to the fog I seem to be in so much of the time. I do good with my work tasks, but I basically do the same thing everyday and could do it in my sleep. I can't be my old self right now; I am still learning who I am now. I know Maryann hasn't changed; but Maryann is DIFFERENT now. I was listening to the radio and they were talking about a contest for a Disney vacation. I had so wanted to go to Disney with Mark; he was such a kid at heart and would have LOVED it there. There are so many things I had wanted to do with him; I really can't think about what my life will be like without him. I am still trying to understand how he could be so alive one moment, and then gone. I understand the biological reasoning - he had a heart attack. On the way to the hospital that morning, it never entered my mind that he wouldn't survive. How does one accept that?

By the way, the pen that had been missing for my friend here at work was found. His grandson had hid it. I knew it was someplace safe.

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Maryann, I'm so glad your friend found his pen! I never got to go to Disneyland with George either, we'd wanted to, our lives just got cut short so fast, a lot of things were left undone that we'd planned to do. :( I wanted to go on the Pirates of the Caribbean with him. I remember the one time I went to Disneyland, I wished I had someone I loved to go on that with...I finally got the love of my life, but we never got to make it down there.

I hope you have a good birthday, Monday, and I'm so glad the people you work with care about you and want to remember you on your special day. It's very hard when no one seems to care any more.

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Having a tough morning. The emotions were waiting for me when I got up. So I decided to indulge them and I went out and sat in the car and listened to Jimmy Buffett, Mark's favorite singer. Now I have brought them to work with me. Yesterday was 16 weeks he is gone. Not sure why I continue to mark it as weeks and not months. When I was at my counseling session the other day, I made a comment that I cannot believe it has been 16 weeks; it feels like time hasn't moved at all. The outside world is zipping on by and I feel in the same place. My mother-in-law finally got her autopsy report. She got a copy for me, which I have not taken out of the envelope, and I may never read it. But she has asked me twice already if I have read it...she wanted to discuss it. I don't want to read it and know what they did to his body after I said my goodbye. Just reading the death certificate is too much at times. Yesterday I composed a letter to send to the insurance company about the policy that never was. I am having someone who writes legal documents go over it. I don't know if it is going to do any good; I'm not sure if I am up for a big fight. I just miss him so much and nothing is going to help that...not an insurance policy or a birthday wish. My only wish would be to have Mark back. Everything else is a mute point.

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I do understand your not feeling up to a fight...could you turn it over to a lawyer and let him/her do the fight for you? It seems unfair what they did to you!

I'm sorry you're having a tough morning. (((hugs)))

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Well, I got my first "it's time you moved one" today. My first thought was REALLY? I came home from work exhausted from trying to keep my emotions in check long enough to get my work done. I will have a couple short weeks coming up because our center closes some days for Passover. Friday nights used to be the time of the week Mark and I enjoyed. There will be a big family dinner on Easter Sunday; I haven't seen much of Mark's family since he died. Still not sure I am going. Right now is not the day or time to make that decision. I have to get through my birthday first.

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Dear Maryann,

I have been following your posts, but have not had time or energy to be in touch lately. But today, I wanted to reach out to you and first, wish you a birthday with more peace and love than you have been able to feel for a while. It is so hard to sort our emotions when we are feeling that our world is out of tune that I don't know how we have all managed to make it day to day.

I agree with Kay that you may need to turn this insurance issue over to an attorney. You have more than enough to do to keep making it day to day right now.

You wrote:

"When I was at my counseling session the other day, I made a comment that I cannot believe it has been 16 weeks; it feels like time hasn't moved at all. The outside world is zipping on by and I feel in the same place."

. . . and I think everyone here can relate to that sense of time stopping. We barely notice the changes that happen with time, partly perhaps because we are so completely overwhelmed with the loss that our own sense of time has been suspended. I have a hard time believing it has been three years since Doug left. So much of the time it feels as though he has just stepped out and will be back soon. Only recently am I beginning to have peace with his leaving, his absence, and my carrying on this solo life. I don't think I have moved on much. Doug's things are still in his closet. I have sorted less than a fourth of his papers that I need to sort. Occasionally, I still see something I want to get for him at the grocer's or when I am at his favorite hardware store. Many days, I feel that Doug is still at the very center of my life and while it is a comfort, it also tells me that this is where I am right now—loving him in spirit, and missing his presence, although it has been three years. Sometimes, even after three years, time stands still.

Be very gentle and patient with yourself. Be around people who care for you and are compassionate toward you. If you can, ask for help with the legal matters, papers, anything that makes you feel nervous or over-burdened. And if I did not want to talk about the autopsy report, I'd gently and kindly tell my MIL that I need to wait until my heart is healed more, and that I will let her know when I am ready to talk about it. I would be nice but firm about it. One of the things I wish I had understood better was the necessity to protect my emotional balance from being overwhelmed. Many days, it was all just too much, too fast.

I am so very happy for you that you have a loving and supportive group around you at work. I know that helps. I think one thing we need most is the comforting understanding and concern of others around us when we are in grief's pain and trauma.

Take care of yourself on every level—physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual. I hope you can find some funny warm movies to watch, and I hope you are able to read some of the articles on how we move along on this grief journey. Come here whenever you need to share. Time does move on, but the Love endures.

We are here for you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Dear Maryann like Fae I have been around here three years and like her I haven't replied to you yet. I tend to post on Living with Loss. I know what it's like to lose a sense of time passing. In fact despite the fact I did so much in the first year after my Pete died (I had to help with her little baby born the day before) i can't really remember that year nor do I wish to. All you can do is plod on, doing your very best. You will find kindred spirits here. Jan

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Maryann, if it is any consolation I am at the six month period and I am having just a terrible time. I am crying all the time. I miss Bob so much I can't stand it. I was doing better last month than now. It is just a roller coaster of emotions we are on and will be for some time. I don't listen to people when they talk about moving on. I don't want to associate with those that are not understanding. It makes me feel worse. I would rather be by myself than to be with uncaring people. I have my moods and people have to understand that or I just walk away. I have so much love for my husband and that will always be. I know he loves me too and that is what I hang on to. I don't know what I would do without my loving lab Zach. This morning I was crying and he went and brought me one of his toys. He is so intuitive and aware of my feelings. They really are man's best friend. I do hope you are feeling a little better. Just take one day at a time. Take care of yourself. You are so important and you should treat yourself that way, just as Mark would have. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shalady

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Maryann,

I feel angry when I hear someone use the term "move on" in conjunction with losing someone you love, as if we are supposed to forget it ever happened! As if we should move away from the person nearest and dearest to us! As if it didn't matter. They're crazy! Insensitive at best. I know it's because they haven't been in our shoes, have no clue what they're talking about. And I wouldn't wish it on them, I really wouldn't...well, maybe just for a moment so they could know how I feel, but not permanently because we all know what hell this can feel like. I am sorry you experienced those thoughtless remarks. It's okay to tell someone "Grief is not something you 'move on' from, but rather something we evolve through and I'm doing it in my way and at my pace, thank you."

It's hard to remember a lot about those first few months, they are a blur, I was definitely in a fog, I remember my feelings...anxiety, fear, alone, frantic, I remember pacing, but beyond that it's hard to recall much. There's no way you could "move on" if you wanted to! I will never "move on" from George, he is still the love of my life. You can ask anyone who has had a new relationship following their spouse's death and they will tell you that even then they still love their late spouse and will never forget them, it doesn't work like that. We eventually learn to live in the now and be more present for it but in those early days/months/years, it's hard to do that, it takes time to transition from what was to what is, let alone fully appreciate today, it honestly takes the most effort I've ever made at anything.

Oh Shalady, how sweet! Dogs are so precious, I just love them! I really feel they were God's finest gift to us. They are such a comfort and an encouragement! Arlie will look at me thoughtfully and then give me a kiss just when I need it most. Some people are all squeamish, "Oooh, dog germs!" but not me, it's in how you view them, if you view them as slobbery germy creatures, that's all you'll feel, but if you realize what precious creatures they are, how thoughtful and sweet, how loving, how perfect for our needs, that is what you will reap from them! Arlie has been the light of my life and joy in my soul in these last six years and I don't know what I'd have done without him.

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When I moved to Texas over 13 years ago, I did so to find a new life. I had taken care of my mom for over 12 years after her stroke, right up until she died from lung cancer. I stayed with my dad for a few years to make sure he was okay. We never talked about his feelings about losing Mom, and I regret that now. He wasn't much of a talker, but now I know how very much he was hurting. I am very similar to my dad in that I most times are very quiet, don't like to make waves; like to keep things as peaceful as possible. My mom was tough on him, but she was awful to me most of my life. I think I learned about love by protecting my dad. When I finally went out on my own, I blossomed. If the person I was in high school would meet the person I am now, it would be an amazing meeting. I am proud of the person I have become. And becoming that person made it possible to find the one person who could help me continue on my journey of self-improvement. The one thing always missing from my life was someone I could give all the love I saved up inside, and that was Mark. Mark was a broken person when I found him. He was convinced he was going to live the rest of his life alone. So I took all that love I had inside and gave it to him, and watched HIM blossom. He still struggled, and would sometimes fall back into that darkness. But the difference was that now he had my hand to hold on to so that he didn't slip away. I miss being able to hold that hand now. I remember when my Annie died and he just held me so very tight and cried along with me. When you marry, your two hearts become one; and now that has been ripped apart. I was a strong person when I met Mark, but he helped me to become stronger, and I gave his life peace. He loved being married and his wedding ring was his most cherished possession. I felt the same way, and now I wear his ring on top of mine. I was the one who put it on his hand, and I was the one who took it off. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember the tears in his eyes when I walked up to him at the ceremony. Since my father was passed away, I walked myself down the aisle part way, and he walked up to meet me and we walked the rest of the way together...holding onto his hand. How can a memory that made me so happy, bring such a pain? He was like my "drug"...he made me feel so good and my heart just leaped when he came in the room. I know what they meant by your heart skipping a beat. There wasn't anything else I needed in my life. Once we bought our home, that was all I needed. My life was content. Now I walk through our home and ask "Why?". I know he would never leave me and that his spirit is here, but right now that doesn't ease this pain.

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When George and I were married, we performed a private ritual that had tremendous meaning for us. We had two champagne glasses with two doves and a heart on them, each with some water in them. We had a third champagne glass with two hearts on it. We each poured our water into the third glass to symbolize our being joined together, never to be separated, just as water once mixed cannot be separated out again when it's joined together. Even death cannot separate our hearts as we are one. We may "part" for a time, but our love remains and we are forever a part of each other, having influenced each other so profoundly in our time together. We have shared our innermost thoughts with one another, our dreams and aspirations, our history, how we are. We have shared experiences and memories that have further solidified us together. A new way of life began the day we were married. We were to each other what no other ever had been or could be. It was as if we were made for each other and that was evidenced by the way we clicked when we met, our tremendous communication, our connection. Some people never get to experience this, and I am so thankful we were blessed with the gift of each other.

I cannot ease your pain but I can tell you I understand and feel it with you.

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Dear Maryann,

Thank you for the beautiful recounting of your life, and especially your marriage and life with your wonderful Mark. I completely understand about feeling that you life has been ripped apart. I think we all have that feeling. I have heard it called an amputation, an gaping hole deep within our hearts, and of half of who we are being pulled away. I think when we feel pain while we are remembering happy times, it is because we are slowly accepting that those memories are what will sustain us now. Things have changed. Life had changed. But then, we remember that the Love is still there, and we go on. Each day, we have no idea what is before us. Yet, each day is a gift, and the beautiful memories we have are a gift as well. I still dry when I remember our wonderful times, our marriage, our love, and our sense of adventure which we shared to the fullest.

Yes, I think when we are with our Beloved, our hearts do leap and dance in joy. Yet, it is difficult to feel their strong love when we are grieving their absence with our whole bodies. It takes time to adjust, at the level of our cells, to this absence, to the closeness and flow of love that we share between us. It takes a while for our bodies to change their normal reactions and sense of being in a space with another whose trust and love we have completely integrated into our being.

And that is as it should be. The time is different for each person, but it does take time. And as our bodies are making some adjustments, our hearts and minds must make adjustments as well. Here, around our healing fire, we share with each other what we have learned about how to care for our bodies, and to make those emotional adjustments that help us to go on.

Yes, I am sure that Mark is there watching over you and sending you a lot of love. We are here for you as well.

Peace to your heart, and

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Just came from afternoon at mother-in-law's. Mark's brother came to pick up collection of pens that Mark made that are being given as groomsmen gifts for his nephew's wedding in a couple weeks. It felt somewhat bittersweet to see them going. I know his nephew will make sure his guys know how very special the pens are. I am now at that point where I don't want to part with Marks' things anymore.

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I understand. You can take your time with letting go of things, it's up to you, in your full control. It took me 9 1/2 years to give George's best friend his fishing hat...he had tears in his eyes when I gave it to him. I always meant to give it to him, I just hadn't been ready to part with it before...he understood.

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I have a hard time going through Bob's things too. There are some that are easier to let go, clothes I know someone can be using. Some things I will probably never give away. Some shirts I loved to see him in will stay, I think someday I can put them on and just get comfort from them. His leather vest which he loved with the veteran and other patches is such a big reminder of him. Then there are some things I haven't even been able to go through. I don't care how long it takes. One day at a time. Then there is everything in our home in New York. I cant even think about that right now. I want to give some special things to some special people as a gift to them for being such a gift to Bob, for returning the love and friendship, the sense of family to him.

What a generous heart you have to give the pens for such a special event in nephew's life. I am sure he will be proud when he passes along the fact that Mark crafted them himself, also a special part of Mark sharing the day. If you don't want to part with anything else just don't. You will know when the time is right and it may never happen. There are things I have no intention of giving away. We were married 38 years, a lifetime of sweet memories. I never thought about or ever imagined life without him. It is so overwhelming. I just sit and shake my head sometimes.

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Dear Shalady,

Thank you for you wise words. I have all kinds of emotions going on today. I got in to work and there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a card signed by all my co-workers. I have been emotional since I woke up. I am trying to look at today as a special day for me...but it is all so overwhelming. I know people are not going to want to see me upset, but all the emotions are all merging together. I am so thankful to be around people who are kind and understanding and I know it is hard for them to see me upset. But the person I loved the most isn't here to give me my birthday kiss and so it is all so bittersweet. Like you said, it is unimaginable to think of the rest of my life without Mark.

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Somehow I am finding this day more emotional than my anniversary. When I started going through Mark's stuff, I would do a box at a time. The stuff in the garage was mostly stuff he collected before we met, and it wasn't as hard. I would pull certain things out, like anything he had written or maybe a playbill from something he attended. I cleared out a chest of drawers, because I want it out of my house. It belongs to his family and his mom asked me to make sure I put in my will that it stays in their family. Well, I would rather they take it NOW. I took all of his things and sorted them and most are sitting in storage bags until I know for sure what to do with them. I did wash up his t-shirts that will go into the memory quilt, but I can't seem to cut them up for preparation right now. The pajama's he had on the day he died are still in the hospital bag they gave me and they are in a drawer in the bedside table. I haven't even touched them. The shower he used is still the same; all his stuff is on the bathroom vanity - razors, cologne, his brush. I went through the disks with pictures from our wedding to find ones I hadn't seen in a while. So many with him smiling. He didn't like having his picture taken (neither do I), so I have so few. I was able to save the voicemail message from his phone, so I can hear his voice. As some of the fog lifts, I can remember it. I know he wouldn't want me to feel so sad, that he would want me to go on and be happy; but he would also know the pain I am experiencing. I know he would be the first one to want to comfort me. It is almost like all the love and caring that everyone is pouring on to me today just hurts.

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MaryAnn, Happy Birthday. I'm sorry you didn't have a good day. It was nice of your friends to get you flowers. I am glad you are taking your time going through things. There is no rush. A little at a time. How nice you are putting things aside for a quilt. It is all so much to process. I wish it could be easier for you but it can't right now. This is the hardest thing we ever have to go through. On these special days our emotions are all over the place. Sometimes we think we are ok only to have a person's words open the floodgates. Anything can trigger it and it can come from anywhere. As we have learned here it won't always be this difficult. The pain will ease. We just have to take one day at a time for now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shalady

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