It's Been 8 Months Since My Mom Died And I'm Losing It!

[kayc]

Mommy's girl,

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. I'm glad you've found help in counseling. I lost my mom to Dementia (she also had Leukemia) in August, but it plagued her much longer. She was in Stage 3 when we had to place her in a Dementia Care Facility. I think we always miss our moms but I'm very glad my mom doesn't have to suffer any more.

[Hooverla]

Thank You for the anniversary wishes! I have to admit I am starting to feel very anxious. The pollen count is terrible and so I am finding it hard to breath with my seasonal allergies. This makes me anxious and with the trip approaching, It hit me yesterday. Not to mention this is the week leading up to Easter and so far I haven't handled the holidays well. Plus my mother in law won't stop hounding me with questions about how we plan to celebrate it this year. I've tried to stay occupied and not think about it. The subconscious mind is a crazy thing.

On top of that I haven't flown in awhile and all of the anxiety "what if's" are starting.

My husband is so understanding! I shared my fear of ruining our trip and how I wanted to remember this with good memories. Not ones of me freaking out on the plane or becoming ill. He says whatever happens, happens and it will all be okay either way. I LOVE him.

All I can force myself to do is live in the moment and try not to think to far ahead. Enjoy each minute without fearing the next. This is life. Live it!

I've always been nervous flying. This is not a new feeling so I need to not link it to a new panic attack. It's all normal.

Thank you all for listening and allowing me an outlet. I'm sure I will be fine. My mom would be happy for me and want me to have fun.

I'm not sure what lies ahead but I will update as time permits.

[kayc]

Could you take something to help you with flying? A fear/anxiety of flying is common.

Maybe you could tell your MIL you aren't up to celebrating Easter this year, and if you change your mind at the last minute, you'll let her know.

[Mommy's girl]

I have traveled extensively throughout the world with my mom despite our thirty year age difference. I guess I have an old soul and my mom was young at heart so we balanced each other. My biggest hurdle now is to travel by myself (until I find someone who I want to travel with.) I have traveled a lot on business alone but leisure travel is something entirely different. I don't have a fear of flying, having gone skydiving in the past. I have spent months planning and thinking about where to go on my first solo trip. Iceland is my first pick. I find the Northern Lights spiritual and Iceland's rugged beauty and interplay of fire and ice intriguing.

Instead of placing so much stress on myself thinking about the big trips -- I decided I needed a smaller one to get my feet wet. I have not taken a vacation since 2012 when I went to the Nederlands, Belgium, and Luxembourg with my mom. Not too far from my house is Mercy Center (a place offering spiritual and meditative retreats organized by the Sisters of Mercy.) I went to high school taught by sisters of the Presentation so I feel calm, comfortable, and at home in a private sanctuary. I am spending my first night there this week to sit quietly, meditate, pray, and take the time to walk the grounds and labyrinth. I'll probably go again for a few more times until I feel emotionally ready to travel to Iceland. I know there will be times in the future which will bring a pang in my heart because my mom isn't physically there to share in the experience. Those times will take the greatest strength for me to get through. (I remember crying a lot when I finished e-filing my mom's last and final tax return in 2014! Imagine crying over a tax return, and she had a refund!) I can laugh about it now. Someday I know all of my past tears will turn into moments of laughter.