Losing My Grandma Very Soon

[sjg333]

Hi, I don't expect anybody to read or reply to this I just want to get some feelings out I can't anywhere else.

My grandma was diagnosed with ovarian cancer only about 2 months ago (If that), she was told her tumor was blocking some of her organs and she would need surgery which would only be a day thing. She went for her day surgery about 2 weeks ago, it was unsuccessful and she was kept in hospital up until now. They have reattempted her surgery 3 more times since, all unsuccessful. Tonight my grandad called crying saying that her tumor has spread even more, is blocking many vital organs so they're attempting emergency surgery on Tuesday, but that they aren't expecting her to make it even until then and if she does it is likely she won't make it through the surgery.

I'm not particularly close to my grandma but I love her a lot, she is not my biological grandma as my grandad remarried from my mums, mum but they married when I was still a baby (I'm now 21) and I consider her very much my own grandma. I'm REALLY close to my grandad, he's been a father figure to me my whole life, I see him almost daily, he used to look after me while my mum worked when I was little and I've always gone to watch him and his friends play snooker every week. It's been soooo hard seeing him upset and alone in his house while grandmas been in hospital. I've only ever seen him cry once in my life, we're not the kind of family to talk about feelings and emotions so it's really difficult.

My grandma is genuinely the bravest and loveliest lady I've ever known! She's a devout Christian, she's always re-reading the bible, goes to church weekly and always listening to praise music. I'm not religious myself but I'm open to all ideas of religion and afterlife etc. I think knowing she has such a strong 'relationship' with god and her belief is so strong makes things a little easier, if that's what she believes then I believe she will be where she wants to be. But it's still gonna be so so hard! I've been fortunate to never lose anybody before, I don't know how to handle it! My grandma is so lovely, I've never heard her say a bad word about anybody, even when there's been conflicts and fall outs within the family, she's never spoken badly of anybody. She has the loudest and most infectious laugh I've ever heard, my grandad is so deeply in love with her and her him that my heart is breaking for him!

I've been spending even more time than usual with him, but I have no idea how to support, comfort and be there for him now we have this terrible news. Everytime I've been to his house I've wanted to burst into tears because it seems so big and lonely without my grandma there but I've just kept repeating in my head 'don't cry don't cry don't cry' and managed to hold it in until I'm alone, but now I just don't know. I know he will cry in front of me and break down and refuse my company and probably stop eating too.... I know it's all coming but I just can't prepare!

[enna]

My dear one, you will find that you have come to a place that listens and allows you to be heard. I am so very sorry to hear of this situation with your grandma. This must be a very hard time for everyone. Your love for her comes through in your writing. You do not have to worry about how you can support your granddad ~ just be with him when you can and please don’t hold your tears back. Tears are a sign of love…Come here and talk about the love you have for both of them.

Sending you hugs and praying for your family.

Anne

[kayc]

I am so sorry your grandma is going through all of this, and all of you with her. It sounds like she is prepared and that is a consolation. Just being there for your grandpa and being willing to listen and care is what he needs most from you, just spending time with him as he will undoubtedly miss her and feel lonely. It is okay to cry...okay for you, okay for him. You don't say how old you are but if you go to school, you might want to consider talking with the school counselor, that is what they are there for. She is your grandma, whether by genetics or marriage, all the same, and it's understandable that you will miss her.

Maybe if you offer your grandpa a glass of water or a small bit of food, it would remind him to eat, when the time comes. When my husband passed away, I didn't feel like eating and forgot to drink, so my daughter followed me around with food/water and reminded me, I ate and drank bits when she urged me to.

I don't think anyone can ever quite be prepared to lose someone they love, even when you think you are, it seems so final when it comes. We will be here if you choose to post again.

[LadyCarrie]

Hi,

I am so sorry to learn of the serious issues regarding your grandma’s health. I’m sorry you and your loved ones are hurting so badly. Anne is right in saying that your love for her comes through in your writing. We have biological relatives, and we can have relatives of our heart. We get to choose the ones of our heart (these are particularly special). Your grandma is one of your heart.

You said that your grandma is a devout Christian. I am a Christian also, and have a close relationship with Jesus Christ, as does your grandma. I understand her use of the word “relationship,” for that is just what it is – a close friendship. Because of this relationship, your grandma is indeed comforted by knowing that at the moment of her death, when she is absent from her body, she will be in Heaven with her Lord. Her spirit will be there waiting for her beloved husband. I tell you this in hope you can take comfort in knowing how she feels, and what she expects in her afterlife.

I join Anne and Kay in telling you that it’s all right to cry. It has been said that tears are a type of praying also, especially when we have no words with which to express what we’re feeling in our heart.

Take care of yourself and your grandfather. Your just being with him will be a great comfort to him. You are a good and caring granddaughter, and I’m sure they are proud of you.

Carrie

[sjg333]

Thank you all for your lovely replies.... It means a lot!

It has been a while since I started this thread but at the same time it has flown by too. My grandma was too weak to make the surgery so they didn't even attempt it... She was offered a place in a hospice or care at home and she's chosen to be at home. Literally every day now I'm there, she's so skeletal which is scary, she was always a small lady but now she is unrecognisable and this week we've been told she has just days left with us.

My grandma can't speak much now, and today when I went in she couldnt remember who I was, which was scary. She has a hospital bed in the house but can't move from it, and is being fed just soup and ice cream by my grandad and having to sip water through a baby beaker.

My grandad is an absolute trooper!! He has family with him daily but he's chosen to be alone at night with her rather than having care nurses there, as he wants to sleep next to his wife and if he chose to have the nurses there at night he would have to sleep in the spare room... But I am worried she will pass during the night and my grandad will panic, although at the same time I think he would also like having that private time to himself... I don't know.

Every day he plays the song they've chosen for her funeral, and today he wrote her a letter that he's going to place in her coffin with her, he's asked all his visitors today to read it, I think sharing these things is comforting to him Wheras a lot of people I imagine would rather keep stuff like that private, anyway, it's a lovely letter and I've told him it's beautiful and she will love it.

He talks with my grandma about 'when they meet again' and they've planned on going on a lovely long walk together in the afterlife... I think that's because my grandma has been saying for days now she wants to go out, but she physically can't, so he has been telling her they will go for their walk together in the future.

Today has been a bad day, grandma has been choking on every sip of water, like I mentioned she didn't know who I was, and she also kept talking about her dog 'dennis' who passed away about 8 years ago now, so it is only a matter of time until she joins him I think....

Thank you again for the support on this site, and sorry to have babbled on, it's really helpful to me to write it all down though instead of keeping all these thoughts to myself!!

[kayc]

I'm sorry you're all going through this, I know how hard it is. My mom got like this but she didn't get to stay in her home, she had dementia and had to be on 24/7 lockdown. In the latter days she shrunk to nothing and it was really hard to watch.

I'm glad your grandma has faith. It sounds like she has one foot on the other side, esp. if she's seeing Dennis, sometimes the end is kind of that way. My heart goes out to you.