Shock And Awe

[iPraiseHim]

Eleven days ago, On February 16th at 5 pm, I came home from work to discover my sweet precious wife, Rose Anne, died while I was at work. She had medical issues but nothing in life prepared me for this. She had her headlight on and the pulse/oz on her finger. She switched over to the portable tank, Which I know had at least 1 hour of oxygen left. I thought maybe our home lost power so that is why she switched over. The Pulse/oz meter was still on but it flat-lined. She had a calm peaceful look on her face and she looked like she was getting some peaceful sleep finally. I called out to her, and screamed, " O God, not today!" but she didn't answer.

Nothing in my life had prepared me for this. We were married for over 25 years and inseparable since we met almost 26 years.we are the best of friends, dear companion and exquisite lover. I called 911 and the emergency crew came and confirmed what I already knew. It took the funeral home three hours to pick up her body. Now she is gone and I will never get to talk to her see her smiling face and just enjoy each others presence. In an instant I am single again and alone. There is much more to this story of our life.

We are blessed to be strong believers in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. The pastor, church and many friends have come along side. I will share more as my heart can release it and give everyone more background as to her health condition. Rose Anne has been on dialysis for the last year along with many other complications from Diabetes. I did everything I could to be at her side; to help her,;take care of her, shop, cook, clean; and help her get dressed and get into the car because she was getting weaker and weaker each day. We had the memorial service for her today and many friends and family came to pay their respects. The pastor did a wonder job of sharing Rose Anne's life.

So here I am trying to figure out how to live without my beloved, Rose Anne. Thinking about it takes my breath away. I only average 1/2 to 2 hours a sleep a night now and have lost my appetite for food. I want her to come back and be together now but that is not reality. And I really don't know how I am going to live a life without her. I love her so much. I have never been so anxious to get to heaven to see Jesus and my sweetheart. Well, I am going to try to get some rest and will fill you in on the other details of our situation. Thanks all for listening. Shalom

[R.Everit55]

Please accept my sincere sympathies on the loss of your beloved wife. I can whole heartedly relate. I lost my beloved wife 49 days ago last night to many health issues... But the cause was ALS. We were together 34 yrs since meeting in college. I am struggling so much right now. So my words may be few but my heart is with you. I read your post with tears. Because my heart heard and felt your broken heart. It's all new and fresh. And the future is so seemingly impossible to see. I know. I know. So many others here know. We are all on different journeys... Different time periods, yet we all feel the same thing... Grief of overwhelming proportions. We have a 27 yr old son and two grandsons 9 and 6. They are my world. They are what keeps my heart beating. I pray that you have family and that you are not alone. Though you have lost your heart, your partner, your beloved sweetheart... I know... And alone seems to be the overwhelming feeling, even when others are with us. You aren't alone here. So many here will hear and listen and understand. Please be gentle with yourself. Please concentrate on keeping hydrated, getting little meals in, and rest as much as possible... I know so well that sleep is so rare. My heart offers you prayers of comfort. I'm so very sorry.

Peace to your broken heart...

Butch

[kayc]

No matter how many times I hear this story, it never fails to hit me. I know the feeling of shock and disbelief...and the feelings that follow...aloneness, panic, fear. Just today my scripture was "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 I have always been an avid pray-er with strong faith, but I found it hard to pray and my faith felt shattered in the months after my husband died. I say "felt" because it was intact, I was just unable to...I don't know, maybe think. I felt I couldn't reach God, but I emerged from that. Just don't be surprised if you don't seem yourself for a while. You'll be okay, just not the same. I know you don't feel like eating, drinking, but do so anyway, it's your best chance for being able to process all of this and make it. Do take care of yourself. I hope your church family surrounds you. In the days to follow, I hope you'll continue to come here and let your feelings out, it's good to give voice to what is going on inside. How long before you have to go back to work?

You'll find compassion and understanding here. This place saved my life nearly ten years ago when my husband died unexpectedly.

[enna]

So many of us have been where you are. I am so very sorry that you are dealing with the loss of your beloved wife, Rose Anne.

One thing that I have found to be very helpful to me was to write in my journal about what I was going through those early days. My heart was so heavy that I could not share my feelings, but I could write. Most times I wrote to my Jim as if he were in the same room with me. I would even carry on a dialog as though he were still with me. His comments to me were as real as if he really was sitting with me. This gave me comfort. The forty years that we were married he knew me more than anyone and his responses to me showed that.

Today (33 months later) I still have “conversations” with him, but they are more about what I am doing to continue on without him. I know that he would want me to be happy and to live life as we were doing together so that is what I’m choosing to do.

In your own time, you will begin to recall all the wonderful memories you have of your Rose Anne. Please share with us when you are able to. Now you need to just allow yourself to grieve. Be where you are and know that this is your journey and you will do it the way you need to. This is a journey that you will take one hour, one day at a time. I am glad that you found this place. Those who come here understand and we are here to listen.

Anne

[iPraiseHim]

PART TWO- After three hours the funeral home finally picked her but the didn't want me in the room to see or hear since she was sitting and they needed her to lie down. I have a vivid imagination but I know it was necessary. After they left, I went and turned off the oxygen concentrator and noticed that the hose come off that connected from the concentrator. My wife managed to get back to her chair switch to the portable tank. So right up to the end she tried to fight to live. I believe the combination of Low blood pressure while standing (70/45) and no oxygen for a period of time until she switched over was too much for her body. She was so tired of getting sicker and sicker and weaker and weaker. I wished I was there to be help her like I did two other times but I accept the fact that it was God's time to call her home. I miss her presence, her touch, her conversations and prayers. I have muscle ache issues and she helped to wrap a bandage around my arm and shoulder. I feel lost, abandoned and alone. We when we were almost 33. I was single and lonely for so long. Now I'm single again. I don't regret a single moment with her. I love here with all my heart. She always accepted me as I was and love me. Tomorrow will be two weeks since she went to be with the Lord.

I told her I don't what I would do If she died while I was away working. She said, " Don't worry, it won't be that easy for me" She always expects long drown out trials.

I am having to learn how to live by myself again. My wife could not lay down in a bed but slept in a Lazy Boy Chair for the last three years. I missed from bed a long time ago. Diabetes attacked her libido 8-9 years ago. I was doing all the shopping, banking, income, washing, cleaning, so I know what to do in those areas. I just miss her so deeply. The pain is so intense that if I dwell there it could take me to place I don't want to go again. I was in a severe depression for several years before we met. By God's grace I sought help and with medicine and therapy learned how to cope and what signs to watch for.. I am reading a book, " A Grace Disguised" by Gerald L. Sittser It is difficult to read a t times but it helps. also a blog lost-without-her.com It helps to read about others that are going through grief. My pastor, family and friends are supportive.

I still go from, this is only a bad dream, to what do I do now. I planned to be with my wife in our golden retirement years but this feels more like heavy metal. I 'm thankful for this place where i can share what is in my heart and just get it out. Up until two months ago I was always eating too much. We enjoyed eating all kinds of foods together. I started eating more moderately and lost 30 lbs in two months prior to FEB 16th.. In the past two weeks I've lost another 8 lbs. Just like when we first met, we lost our appetite. And I am having difficulty sleeping now. I did get almost 4 hours sleep last night. But, I have been averaging 2 hours a night. I have a full work schedule this week which helps me to get out of the house. I'm also working on finally getting our house in order because I let it go to take care of my beloved.There are more parts to share but this is all I can mentally handle right now. Thanks everyone for listening. Shalom

[kayc]

This is a very hard time for you...those early days are, so much to process and take in. So much adjusting to do. So much missing them. I'm glad you are able to write what you are going through, it helps. Have you thought about talking to your doctor about a temporary sleep aid? It's hard to work when you're only getting 1-2 hours sleep a night...much less drive. Dangerous! Be careful to eat and drink, not good to lose too much too fast.

Do you have anyone with you (kids, family, friends?) right now?

Please try to take care of yourself.

[iPraiseHim]

I slept over 4 hours last night and hopefully will do better tonight. I'm very leery of sleeping pills as I believe it was a contributing factor in my Mom's health declining. However I will try some natural alternatives. I live alone now but my Sister and Dad are only 20 minutes away and I speak to them daily. I appreciate your concern and I am making sure I eat enough to sustain me. Thank you!

[LadyCarrie]

Hi,

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I don't have advice, but I just want you to know that I'm reading what you are writing, and that my heart hurts for you. I am a Christian also, and I will pray for you.

Blessings,

Carrie

[kayc]

Try making bedtime a ritual, going to bed at the same time every night, having some sleepy time tea, playing soft music, etc. Perhaps even showering beforehand, which is relaxing. Four hours is really good for no further out than you are, keep trying to get a good night's sleep, it'll come eventually, at least some of the time if not all of the time.

[iPraiseHim]

On advice, I called my Dr. and he prescribed a light sedative. The last two nights I have slept over 7 hours. I will get into a sleep routine again as someone suggested. The range of emotions and feeling is just overwhelming. But I will strive to face it one day at a time. I thank everyone for listening and caring. Good night. Shalom

[kayc]

I am so glad you got some sleep finally! This is hard enough to deal with without trying to do so without sleep. I hope you continue coming here and posting.

[iPraiseHim]

On Monday will be three weeks since my wife died. I keep hoping it was a bad dream and everything would go back to the way it was. I miss her and don't want to think of a life without her. I know I am selfish but I just want to be back together again. Life continues to grind on without her but it just feels hollow and empty. It's time to take another sleeping pill and face all this again tomorrow. Some one asked me what do I do for fun? What a funny question??? I work and take care of the home, cars, etc and go to church. Good night!

[feralfae]

I am so very sorry you have lost your wife. Nothing can prepare us for such a tremendous time of grief, pain, and being off balance. I know your heart is broken, and that you are grieving and missing your Beloved every minute, while you are also feeling numb and lost in a fog of grief.

I am glad you are getting some sleep, at least.

Yes, I know that life feels hollow and empty. Your pain and grief are probably about all you can feel right now. Many people are in shock at such times, and although we function and walk around and talk to people, our lives are really very empty and hollow.

And it takes a while before we begin to feel life again.

Right now, you need to be sure you are getting enough sleep (I think you are, but naps are also good when you can find the time) that you are eating healthy foods and eating routinely. Also, we must stay well hydrated and be sure to take time to focus our need to sit quietly and grieve. If you have not yet located a grief counselor, maybe it is time. Have you found any local grief support groups you might join?

Do you have friends and family around to give you emotional support? I imagine your church is a true help now, and that they are helping you through these days. I am glad you have a church community to hold you and keep you in prayer and surround you with loving comfort. I hope you are getting a lot of support there.

I am glad you found this place, even though I am sorry for the reason you had to come here. Many people here will share and listen, comfort and help to carry the burden of your grief.

Please do take care of your physical health, and let us know how you are doing with finding some grief support through counseling, groups, your church, family, or any of the other places we find emotional sharing.

Peace to your heart as you make this grief journey. We are here with you.

feralfae

[kayc]

What you do for "fun"??? At this stage? Wow! People don't think sometimes.

What you are feeling is to be expected...we know that hollow and empty feeling. It took me quite some time before I could begin to think of facing life, it's just so shocking at first.

I hope you sleep well tonight.

[iPraiseHim]

I'm still having trouble sleeping at times. With a friends help I was able to repair my gutters. I 'm back to work. but my life still feels unsettled. I miss my beautiful wife. Everything about us is now just history and memories. I miss her in the now. Some days I can do okay but if I think about her or something reminds me it puts me back in that sad state. I love her so much and now I grieve her so much. i know God is in charge and has called her home but life was so much better with here than without her. my heart still aches for her. I don't know to get over her and move on with life. On the surfaces everyone thinks I'm doing better, look better, etc...Several people say "be Strong" I'm just trying to focus on Christ , less about me. I still miss us! I feel selfish because my wife is much better now. I better get some sleep. sweet dreams

[shalady]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 38 years in September. Your feelings are all so normal. I have the same ones. It is okay to feel unsettled, sad, devastated. You were married 25 years. You have lost your life partner. Of course you feel this way. I still take it one day at a time. I still have not returned to work. People think I am doing okay and look better, but we both know we are not better, not doing okay. I will never get over this. I never thought of what you said about feeling selfish, but I also wish my Bob were here, to make things better. I also know he is much better now, in Heaven. Yes God is in charge and he will give us strength when we need it. You do need to focus on you. You need to take care of yourself, let yourself grieve. You don't have to move on, just move forward when the time comes. We need not rush this. It will be a long journey. We are here to listen. I can not give you advice but I can tell you I am going through this too and truly understand your sorrow. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shalady

[kayc]

I'm glad you got your gutters repaired. That's one of the things I have a hard time with...home repairs. I don't have $ to hire someone for everything but this was something George handled and I don't have a clue how to do. I try to deal with one thing at a time and pray for God to show me what to do. I'm facing a difficult decision right now that I'm praying for guidance about.

I hope you were able to sleep last night. I know how hard it is to learn to do life on our own, the missing them never stops. How are you doing at work? I caught myself making mistakes when I went back (I only had two weeks off), things I'd never have done! It shows what my state of mind was.

I don't think we "move on" with life so much as have to incorporate all of the changes into our life. We are still the same person but we're forever changed as a result of what we've experienced. We have so many adjustments to go through! So much to learn to cope with. It all comes together, but it took me a very long time...everyone's time table is different. It takes as long as it takes.

When we're grieving, it IS all about us, out of necessity, for survival. It helps to try to focus outward based, as you say, focusing on Christ. Some have found volunteering helps, it gets us out of "our" world and into the bigger picture. I'm Treasurer for our church, in the choir, on Morning Worship Team, and help at the Senior Site twice a week. It gets me out, around others, and helps to focus on something other than my aloneness. It also gives some sense of purpose. I retired 1 1/2 years ago...I hadn't planned on it this early, but my job was cut again and I'd already spent a year look for a new job to no avail, so I decided to call it good. When I was working full time it helped occupy my mind and give me purpose, but when I retired, without George, I had a lot of adjusting to do...something that those who were retired when their spouse died, had already gone through. Everyone's journey is unique.

It's quite normal to wish they were here, and yet at the same time be glad they're out of their suffering and struggle. It's the juxtaposition that we're in!

[iPraiseHim]

Checking in. It has been 50 days since my wife, Rose Anne, suddenly passed away. I have been working on taking care of myself, moderate meals, good sleep patterns, and just getting up each day, to work, take care of business, pursuing the insurance company and healthcare marketplace to resolve my insurance issues. I think I'm having a good day and then a down day follows. The simplest of things can set me back, i was working yesterday and when I heard a certain song it reminded me that my wife is not hear anymore. I didn't like being single before and I still don't like now. But I'm not ready to date either. I can not imagine loving another woman the way I love my wife of 25 years. Mentally, I cannot understand how that is going to work out in the future. But, i don't like thinking of being alone for another twenty years either! I have read several books on grief now and it does help. I've also started writing letters to my wife. I'm taking life one day at a time and doing my best to live in the present. I am invited to a social group on Thursday night. Hopefully, they are not all couples. I'm trying to venture out.

[kayc]

You are doing the best you can under the circumstances. It's easy to feel it's not enough, but it hasn't been very long either. It's normal to have good days followed by bad days or have something just hit you out of the blue. This is hard to adjust to! You are doing the journey though, and you deserve a pat on the back for it, it's not for the faint hearted, that's for sure. I wouldn't worry about the next 20 years or dating, just get through today as best as you can and continue to be patient, understanding and loving of yourself. I hope all goes well with your social group...if it doesn't work you might table it for a while and try again when you've had more time to process your grief. It's good to get out and not isolate yourself, but sometimes being around gaiety can be hard too.

[iPraiseHim]

Today has been eight weeks since my wife passed away. It hit me very hard today and it still takes my breath away and makes it difficult to work. One of my clients dogs, passed away 10 days ago. He was 11 years old, and i would see him and play with him every two weeks when I would clean their home. It's another reminder for me that everything in this world dies sooner or later.

On a lighter note, I went to the social (potluck ) gathering and found out that we, (my wife and I), knew about two-thirds of the people there. They were kind with their expressions of love and compassion. They knew Rose Anne when she was lively and vibrant. Her charisma always filled the room and everyone soon became her friend. One person said, "out of all the couples I know, you two seemed to be genuine soul mates and truly in love with each other." Then another lady, sang the most beautiful song, "Does Jesus Care". Sounded like angels singing! They meet every week so I have rearranged my work schedule so I can attend. My wife and I, co-led this group with another couple 15 years ago. I feel like I am back home and loved. On Thursday, April 16th, it will be two months since my sweetheart went to be with the Lord. Shalom

[kayc]

I am glad you have this group. I love that song (Does Jesus Care), I can imagine how it touched your heart. It feels good to hear others acknowledge and comment on your relationship, it was the same with George and I.

[iPraiseHim]

I am having a real tough day today. Tomorrow will be two months since my wife died. Thinking about it still takes my breath away. I thought i was doing better. coping better but some of the decades old feeling of depression is trying to creep back in my life now. I really don't like being lonely and alone. In my job, I work alone. Just a sad time right now. There is a care group meeting tomorrow night. Hopefully, something to look forward to. I still don't like all these bad feelings either. Shalom

[Dew's Girl]

I am so sorry that yesterday was particularly difficult. I hope today is better. Grief seems to come in waves from behind. It's hard to anticipate when the next one will roll past. You are in my thoughts.

-Amy

[kayc]

I hope your group meeting goes well tonight and you get some comfort being around others going through this. Two months is too soon to feel better, we have ups and downs for a long time. Knowing that is to be expected, I hope you can be easy on yourself and understand you really are doing your best to cope with this tremendous loss that you're left to deal with. My heart goes out to you.

[iPraiseHim]

The meeting last night was good. It is not a grieving group it is a christian fellowship group. I arrived early so I had a chance to visit with a dear friend who lost her husband eight years ago. He died suddenly in his sleep. She knew Rose Anne so we reminisced of happier ties when my wife was more vibrant and healthy. She says she still thinks of her husband every day. And she reminded me how we both know were genuinely loved by our spouses. It is a good memory. I'm feeling more detached today because of another person that we connected because of grief but they decided to withdraw contact for awhile. I was able to eat on of "our favorite meals" today. It was the first time I felt like I wanted to eat this meal since my wife died. My life still just feels off kilter. I'm still missing my wife so much! I wonder if I will ever feel "normal" or just not grieving most every day. Loneliness is bad. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!